{"id":1718,"date":"2026-03-01T14:40:49","date_gmt":"2026-03-01T20:40:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/swsecrets.net\/?p=1718"},"modified":"2026-03-02T08:12:42","modified_gmt":"2026-03-02T14:12:42","slug":"tokens","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/swsecrets.net\/?p=1718","title":{"rendered":"Tokens"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Lately, I\u2019ve been thinking a lot about how I\u2019ve lived my life. Not the resume version or the LinkedIn bio. Not the \u201clicensed social worker, consultant, speaker\u201d version.

I mean the actual life…
The constant growth.
The marriage and divorce.
The rebuilding.
The falling in love again.
The advocating hard.
The motherhood chapter.
The nights I lay awake wondering if I asked for too much.
The business risks.
The big move across the country.
The moments I felt powerful.
The moments I felt small.

And I tend to categorize all of it…
This was a success.
That was a mistake.
This made me look strong.
That took too long.
This made me look foolish.

But recently I heard this philosophy:
With every life experience you have, you receive a token. Good, bad, or indifferent, everything you do gains another token.

You travel the world? Token.
You run a marathon? Token.
You get married? Token.
You get divorced? Token.
You build a company from scratch? Token.
You love someone deeply and it doesn\u2019t last? Token.
You get fired? Token.
You become a parent? Token.
You go bankrupt? Token.

The idea here is life and our experiences do not need to be “right” or “good” to receive a token.

I\u2019ve worked in spaces where there is a lot of pressure, and the stories are heavy. When you sit with enough trauma, you start to understand something about being alive: safety is never guaranteed, time is never guaranteed, outcomes are never guaranteed. The cards we are dealt are sometimes unfair, and the only thing that\u2019s guaranteed is that you are here, in this moment, having an experience.

I think for a long time, I was trying to manage and categorize my experiences instead of living them. I am still guilty of doing this sometimes, trying to avoid the “wrong” tokens, because of course we want to avoid looking foolish or avoid a heartbreak. And I definitely try to avoid instability or big mistakes. But when we live like that, we just collect fewer tokens.

And then I heard about the Black Coffee Theory:
<\/strong>You walk into a coffee shop wanting a latte, but instead of ordering it, you say, \u201cI just don\u2019t want black coffee.\u201d
The barista looks at you, confused. \u201cOkay\u2026 but what do<\/em> you want?\u201d
“I just know I definitely don’t want a black coffee”.
The barista is still confused, and as she is making drinks for others, she is trying to recall your order. And what is the only thing she can recall? A black coffee.
So guess what lands on your table?

What you get is what you keep talking about and focusing on, and this is how most people are living their lives:
I don\u2019t want to be in another relationship where I feel alone.
I don\u2019t want to struggle financially.
I don\u2019t want to feel invisible.
I don\u2019t want to burn out.<\/em>

It sounds self-aware, evolved, and even a bit protective. But when you focus your energy on what you\u2019re trying to avoid, that is all you notice. You don\u2019t actually move toward something new, and you miss your chance to collect another token.

There were seasons where I was so focused on not repeating past pain or mistakes that I never fully articulated what I actually wanted instead. I knew I didn\u2019t want emotional inconsistency. I didn\u2019t want chaos or instability. I didn\u2019t want to feel like I had to prove my worth or shrink for others or stay somewhere that was not the right fit for me.

But what did <\/em>I want?
Stability.
Reciprocity.
Ease.
Fun.
Love.
Excitement.
Success.
Confidence.

Being more aware of this has made me realize the difference between saying, \u201cI don\u2019t want chaos,\u201d and \u201cI want steadiness”, because one is defensive<\/strong> and one is directive.<\/strong>

For a long time, I would say things like, \u201cI don\u2019t want to struggle forever,\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t want to feel like this every day.\u201d But I rarely said things like, \u201cI want overflow. I want expansion. I want to be highly visible. I want a successful career. I want consistent happiness.\u201d Because saying what you don\u2019t want feels safer<\/em>; it doesn\u2019t expose your desire or risk disappointment. And for some reason, it feels arrogant or self-serving to talk this way; it feels vulnerable to speak our desires out loud. But why should it? Why is desire something we don’t think we deserve, or need to feel embarrassed about? By acknowledging our desires, we avoid stagnation. Sure, we still go through some painful times and gain a token we may not have wanted, but here\u2019s the intersection I\u2019m finally understanding:

Collecting tokens requires courage and ordering what you actually want requires confidence. Because when you decide that every experience is a token, even the painful ones, you stop trying to edit and categorize your life. You stop pretending certain chapters shouldn\u2019t have happened and you stop attaching shame to the parts that didn\u2019t work out.

That divorce? Token.
That relationship that cracked you open? Token.
That season of financial uncertainty? Token.
That bold decision to leave something stable? Token.

These examples are not proof you failed; they are proof you lived. And once you accept that, once you stop fearing the \u201cbad\u201d tokens, you\u2019re free to order your coffee differently. You\u2019re not trying to outrun anything anymore or live in this negative bubble. You\u2019re not standing at the coffee counter anxiously saying, \u201cJust not that again.\u201d You\u2019re saying, clearly, \u201cThis is what I want.\u201d

I want depth without instability.
I want impact and softness.
I want success that doesn\u2019t cost me my nervous system.
I want love that feels safe and expansive at the same time.
I want wealth without apology.<\/em>

That is your coffee order. And the real growth isn\u2019t about becoming someone new; it is about integrating both ideas:
1. Life will hand you experiences you didn\u2019t plan for. Some that will stretch you, humble you or undo you. They are not detours or proof you failed. They are tokens, AKA evidence that you lived fully instead of cautiously.
2. And then, with everything those experiences taught you, you stop organizing your future around what you\u2019re afraid of and start organizing it around what you actually want. You get to decide what you are moving towards.


All that being said, I don\u2019t try to plan out my tokens anymore. Because even the ones that humble me, expose me, or the ones that hurt me built the person who can now walk into the coffee shop and say without hesitation what it is that I want. And that does not make me entitled or naive. I just now know the difference between a black coffee and a latte.

And I\u2019m done pretending I don\u2019t have a preference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2013 keep shining
Find me: Facebook<\/a>, Instagram<\/a>, Pinterest<\/a>, LinkedIn<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Lately, I\u2019ve been thinking a lot about how I\u2019ve lived my life. Not the resume version or the LinkedIn bio. Not the \u201clicensed social worker, consultant, speaker\u201d version. I mean the actual life…The constant growth.The marriage and divorce. The rebuilding.The falling in love again.The advocating hard.The motherhood chapter. The nights I lay awake wondering if I asked for too much.The business risks.The big move across the country. The moments I felt powerful.The moments I felt […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1724,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[342,1],"tags":[33,604,537,440,44,140,105,67,97,74,86],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/swsecrets.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1718"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/swsecrets.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/swsecrets.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/swsecrets.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/swsecrets.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1718"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/swsecrets.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1718\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1728,"href":"http:\/\/swsecrets.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1718\/revisions\/1728"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/swsecrets.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1724"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/swsecrets.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1718"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/swsecrets.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1718"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/swsecrets.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1718"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}