Category: Self Development (Page 9 of 13)

Free Yourself From Guilt

April 3, 2017 / MelKai23 / 1 Comment

Can I tell you what is thee biggest waste of time in our lives?

Feeling guilty.

We all do it, we all waste time regretting bad decisions, and we all beat ourselves up. We replay the same stories in our minds and lose any kind of self compassion for ourselves we once had.

But how detrimental is this mindset? We should never be treating ourselves this way. We must love ourselves whole heartedly before we can do any good for others in this world. But, I have good news for you…

I am freeing you from all your guilt, right here, right now. Yes, me. I will give you one piece of advice that will change your life forever as long as you listen to and believe it is true (and it is, trust me).

There is no need to feel guilty if you consciously realize that you made a mistake, and you have learned from this experience. If you know what you have done is wrong and it conflicts with your morals and conscience, you have already learned and know that you will not repeat the same mistake. Thus, there is no need to hoard guilt when your conscience already knows that you’re going to do better next time. You do not need to feel guilty about mistakes that were lessons learned and ways in which you will improve as an individual. Torturing yourself does not make you a better person, but learning will.

I think the concept of guilt is a significant issue in our society. For example, telling our children that they are naughty when they make a mistake can affect their personal idea of who they are. If we often scold children for doing something bad, they start to think they are bad…Turning their guilt into shame. The difference being guilt the mindset of, “I did something bad”, whereas shame becomes, “I am bad”. See where I’m going with this? You are not your actions, and your actions do not define who you are as a person.
Do not let your guilt eat you up so much that it turns into shame, which then affects your view of yourself. It is with shame that we start to feel less self-compassionate and more unhappy.

The guilt you have does not need to define you, and don’t let it. You make mistakes, you do bad things…And you know what that makes you?..
.
.
….HUMAN.

-keep shining

A Simple Bowl of Chili….

February 1, 2017 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Do you ever have one of those weeks where nothing goes your way? Like the entire universe is against you and laughing at you…
I was having quite a pity party last week. I was not feeling the best, worked long hours, traveled a lot for work, and had numerous unpredictable mishaps. Not to mention, when you feel you’re having a bad week it seems you stub your toe on every corner, bite your tongue a few times, and don’t seem to get quite enough sleep. You name it, and I was complaining about it.
This happens to us all from time to time, doesn’t it? We just get in this rut of ‘life is hard’ and ‘I can’t even”. But I will tell you about an experience I had last week that totally changed my mindset. It was a great reminder that life really isn’t all that bad.

We had a youth event at my place of employment last week where homeless youth could come in for a hot bowl of soup and a free haircut. Amongst the youth walked in a 52 year old homeless man who had a long ponytail and looked disheveled. But one thing I noticed about this man is that he was in great spirits.
He stated that he heard we were giving free haircuts today, and of course we welcomed him openly to the event regardless of his age.
Along with getting a free haircut, this man grabbed himself a hot bowl of chili and started eating in our conference room. I walked into the conference room to say hi and have a conversation with this man, however I felt awkward staring at him while he ate. A coworker suggested I grab a bowl of soup and sit down with him, so I did just that.
Now trust me when I say that this man did not come up for air when he spoke to me. All it took was me sitting next to him with a bowl of chili for the flood gates to be opened. It took patience and some active listening from me to sit through this man’s unending and repetitive stories for an hour, but I tell you it was the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. It was a beautiful thing to witness unfold.

The art of listening is so powerful, and not something we utilize often enough as a society. We would gain so much from being able to listen to others, and not just listen to them but also hear what they are saying.
The reason I was able to be such a good listener that day is because I knew that this man probably hadn’t had a single person listen to him in a very long time. He was alone, homeless, and an addict who was working towards becoming healthy again. All it took from me to make sure this man felt heard and loved that day, was to listen. And how simple is that? The simple act of listening and allowing someone to feel heard is so ridiculously powerful. Yes, it took an hour out of my day to do so, but what better way to spend that hour than to be sure you’re making a difference in someone’s life who is less fortunate than you. I have a warm home to return to, I know I will have food in my belly, and I know I have a huge support system of people who I can turn to. One hour is not so bad when you think about all the great things you have in your world.

Amongst being homeless and disheveled, this man was grateful, he was cheery, he was warm, he was harmless. Once I started listening to him, I did not even see what was on the surface. I only saw his great spirited attitude. Once we give someone a chance, rather than focus on judging at first glance, we can learn so much.
Without any prompting, he told me about where he was from, his past, his addiction, his health, his life goals, and his art that he is so passionate about. After he left, one of my coworkers said to me, “Wow, you did such a great job listening to that man, I would not have been able to do that”. That is when it dawned on me that it is really difficult for us in this society to take time out of our day to listen instead of talk. But not only to listen, but to hear what is being said….To take what is being said and apply it to our lives in order to better people. It truly is a difficult task that takes some humility and discipline to accomplish. But by doing this, we gain so much, and unfortunately it is so overlooked.

How often do we just wait our turn to speak next? Not listening to the one currently with the microphone, but just waiting our turn to say what we think needs to be said. How often do we have a question or thought while someone is speaking, and then make that our focus rather than continuing to hear what that person is saying? All to often, this is how we communicate in our society, thus not leaving any room to grow and learn as individuals. It is through others that we learn about humility, acceptance, and diversity. And I was so grateful to have that opportunity on the day that I met the 52 year old homeless man in great spirits.

When asked if my cup is half full or half empty, my response is always that I am grateful to have a cup ~

-keep shining
(Don’t forget to ‘like’ and share my Facebook page and posts at www.facebook.com/secretsofsw/ )

A Letter To My Self Esteem….

December 27, 2016 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

I am going to pick your brains today and ask you to read this statement, and think about whether or not you agree –In a world that profits from our self doubt, loving ourselves is a defiant act. Once you decide if you agree, think about how unfortunately true this is for us as society, both males and females.

All the diets, all the fads, the workout routines, the health shakes…. We have grown this industry so magnificently because of our continuous self doubt, self hate, and self consciousness. Of course, these businesses have also saved people’s lives, pushed people to healthier lives, and helped them lose unhealthy weight. But how powerful it must be for the health/wellness industry to know that as long as our body image continues to suffer, they are in business. As long as social media pushes perfection as reality, our self-esteem suffers and we continue to doubt ourselves.

You see, under the ‘chub rub’ between my thighs, beneath my tummy fat that jiggles when I run, and aside from the little fat roll that is created by my bra strap, is a very healthy woman. A woman who loves healthy proteins, who loves fruits and vegetables, and loves working out. A woman who does enjoy a beer from time to time, fast food, and sugary treats, but cannot enjoy these things without a little guilt sneaking in reminding me that when I eat this I will not be perfect. Underneath what you see on the surface is a woman who works hard and plays hard, and is grateful for her life. But through her constant self doubt, she forgets about this other healthy and happy side that does not need the world to reassure or judge her based on how she looks.

But how can we feel good about ourselves when we are constantly reminded of how we are supposed to look through social media and what is considered beautiful in society? That constant reminder that to be beautiful means we need to be unrealistically perfect. This makes me sad not only for myself, but for all men and women striving for this unrealistic view of beautiful. There is nothing beautiful about being perfect. Perfect is boring, and it’s impossible.

When I research and find that being 145 pounds at 26 years old is almost considered overweight, I get discouraged. I know how healthy, muscular, and curvy I am, but some days that is not enough. How can that be, though, that I’m 145 pounds and almost considered overweight, for someone who spends 5 days a week doing vigorous workouts and enjoys my protein shakes and spinach? Through the constant reminders of what beautiful is supposed to look like, I forget about the beauty of who I am sometimes…. a lot of the times. And I bet many of you have had these same thoughts and questions.

I want you all to remember:

Understand that what social media portrays is typically unrealistic. It is airbrushed, it is fake, and it is too perfect. We all know this, so we can all push back on this need to be perfect! Our significant others all know this too and do not expect perfection from us. A positive partner will want us to feel good about ourselves and be healthy.
Quit reading the magazines, the fad diets, and trying to look like perfection. This is stressful and reassures our inability to be as perfect as society tells us to be. Do not strive to look like a celebrity, strive to look like YOU!
Do what makes you happy, and ask yourself if you are living a realistic lifestyle. Can you maintain your diet and exercise? It is healthy, and do you feel good about it? It’s okay to enjoy some carbs, candy, and beer sometimes, we all deserve a break.
Feel sexy. What can you do that makes you feel like the sexy little sex kitten that you are?! Is it wearing lingerie, even if you’re the only one who sees it? Is it working out? Do this whenever possible, and tell yourself how beautiful/handsome you are!
There is nothing sexier than someone who is confident in the bedroom, and looks do not need to dictate your attitude in the bedroom.
Focus on your accomplishments. Remind yourself every day of what your accomplishments are, and what you’re internally proud of.
Spend time with supportive people…. This is huge! Having supportive, loving, and healthy people in your life will provide a more positive outlook on life.
You have to put the work in. If you do want change, and you do want to be healthier, it takes some work. You must be willing to change parts of your lifestyle, and you must be patient through the process. It is hard! Physically, mentally, and emotionally hard.
What is love? Is it looks, is it materialistic things? Of course not! You did not come to love your friends and significant other because of how they look, it is because of who they are. And people love you for who you are, and not how you look.
Know that you’re enough. You are good enough for you! You do not need to prove yourself to anyone. You do not need to impress anyone but yourself. BeYOUtiful.

Happiness is found when you stop comparing yourself to others~

-keep shining

*’Like’ and share my Facebook page for my posts! www.facebook.com/secretsofsw/

Happy Holidays To Me

December 6, 2016 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

When I began to write my holiday blog this year, I was really struggling. I was struggling because I didn’t want to write the same old stuff we always read; be thankful, be grateful, get in the holiday spirit, do for others, etc… I agree that all of this is great and wonderful, as I wrote about it last year (www.swsecrets.net/?p=3), but what else can we focus on this time of year that is equally as important but less talked about? I had to sit with this thought for a few days until I really started to notice one key part of this time of year we are missing the boat on….

OURSELVES! Yes, you! This time of year is typically focused on doing good for others, fundraising, donating our time and money, buying Christmas gifts, getting good discounts, feeling the holiday cheer, and being grateful for all we have in this life….But what about YOU? None of these things can happen without you.

This time of year is hectic, and by the time Thanksgiving gets here I can already tell I need a break, and I bet you all do too. And once Thanksgiving is over, you realize that life is not slowing down anytime soon. Now it becomes the time to give back, put up the holiday lights, make Christmas plans, start planning and prepping our meals and houses for guests, and start putting holiday work parties on the calendar. Can a get a ‘yikes’ one time?! Let’s all pump the breaks, people! Take time to and focus on you, your needs, and what you want to do during this hectic time of year. Pull back on your crazy schedule and the need to focus on others, because if we aren’t mentally healthy and personally ‘up to par’ then everything else in our lives will suffer a little bit. Everything else in our lives will feel a little more exhausting, stressful, and frustrating because we are forgetting to put ourselves first.

Be selfish. Be about you. This society focuses so much on doing good for others in order to live a fulfilling life. That is so true, but don’t we need to do good for ourselves and treat ourselves well before we can focus on those around us and their needs? I will give you a hint…..The answer to this question is YES.

I know you all can agree with me on this, but the bigger question is the how? How do we take time for ourselves without feeling guilty, without feeling like other things are not going to get done, and without creating that little anxiety in our bodies if we do not get every ‘t’ crossed and every ‘i’ dotted? Let me give you a few tips and tricks to get you started on your more beautifully selfish life.

First and foremost…. It is okay to say no. We do not constantly owe our time and energy to others, and we struggle to say no without coming up with a lie or excuse. But the unfortunate alternative is we say yes, roll our eyes, and start stressing about the things that will be put on hold because we said yes to someone else other than ourselves. Practice saying no. Challenge yourself. You can even practice now. Say it with me… NO NO NO.
Didn’t that feel good?
Plan activities to do alone, and put them in your calendar. Yes, do it….Let me challenge you with this question: Realistically, if you could do anything by yourself right now or this week what would it be? What is the first thing that comes to mind for you? Okay, great. Now write that down, plan it, and put it in your schedule. I can already hear the excuses because I make them all the time (I don’t have time, I have to clean my house, I already have a full week…The list goes on and on). But, I will politely remind you to put that ‘thing’ you thought of in your schedule…..
Didn’t that feel good? And doesn’t it make you smile?
It’s not always better to give than receive. We give so much of ourselves around the holidays, but at what point do we give to ourselves? At what point do we treat ourselves? At what point to we throw our hands in the air and surrender to everything that adds up on the never-ending-to-do list? Yes, it feels good to give to others whether through volunteering, our cooking/baking, or our gift giving. But the most important relationship you will have throughout life is with yourself, and you need to nurture it. Do not always feel that in order to be a good member of society means we have to take time to give back, spend all our hard earned money on food and gifts, and not take a minute of time to ourselves between Thanksgiving and Christmas. This holiday can be about you too, if you let it.
If you want to get take-out instead, then do it. If you don’t want to put lights up on your house or decorate head to toe, then don’t. If you don’t want to go caroling with your church group, then don’t. If you don’t want to participate in your work party’s Secret Santa exchange, that is okay….Whether or not you believe me, you have a choice, and you don’t have to do all of these things. And if you’re catching my drift, then you’ll realize that it goes back to saying no. There is too much to do this time of year, and it is up to you to recognize that and then prioritize. For example, this year I was to make the pie for Thanksgiving but I bought one instead. This year my husband and I decided not to buy Christmas lights for the house or buy each other gifts. And you know what? It felt good! Don’t be a superhero this holiday season, just do what it is that you want. After all, this is your holiday season too, not just everyone else’s. Take a breath and prioritize. Your holiday will be much more enjoyable if you’re relaxed.

During these special times of year, take advantage of the opportunity you have to spend time with loved ones, have real conversations, and enjoy authentic moments.

-Happy Holidays and keep shining

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It’s A Good Week To Have A Good Week

September 12, 2016 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Self worth and positivity, baby, that’s where it’s at! Today’s post is all about these lovely things and how easy peezy it is to incorporate some self lovin’ and positive vibes into your every day routines. What a great way to start out the week!

Take vacations, take long vacations. None of this one-day-off junk! We all need extended time off to truly unwind and relax. Whenever I am on vacation, I find that it takes a few days for me to exhale and not think about the busy happenings of my everyday life. It is during these long breaks that we learn about ourselves, our hobbies, our minds, and what helps us to relax.
The person that you spend the most time with in your life is yourself, you better try to make yourself as interesting a possible. What do you love about yourself, outside of work? Taking time to explore yourself will help you find what makes you tick. It helps you find your self worth, and it takes more than a day of vacation to do so.
Live a ‘want to’ life. Do not go through life with the feeling of having to do everything. What do you want to do? How can you live a ‘want to’ life? Find a life worth living and never forget to do the things you enjoy. Our careers do not define us as people, and there are deeper levels and meanings to who we are. Find who you are. Find your self worth; what makes you feel valuable and unique to society? What areas of your life need to change in order to be the chooser of your own path? What makes you feel happy and fulfilled outside of work; what excites you?
Stop to smell the roses. Mindfulness, mindfulness, mindfulness…And in case you forget, here is one more mindfulness! The majority of my blogs have some aspects of being self-aware and appreciative of your surroundings. Be in the ‘now’ of your life, and if you cannot do so, then find someone or some thing that can help you achieve this.
“Stop to smell the roses” can be your reminder to live in the moment and enjoy your surroundings. What are you appreciative of and happy about right now? Be grateful for what you have every single day…even on your worst days.
Make a note to think about your roses every day. Are your roses good health, great family, and having a roof over your head…? Along with those marvelous things, I want you to dig even deeper. What are some great things you experience or have day to day that you overlook? To help you through the process, check out my Happy Things Thursday blogs!
Personally, I like to think about my roses each day before bed because it helps me to go to sleep on a positive note, and wake up feeling the same way.
It’s not about perfection, it’s about effort. That is how change and transformation happen. Give it your best shot, and at the end of the day that is all you can do. We aren’t perfect, and the more we strive to be, the more stressful and unhappy our lives become. Know that you have done your best, even if you’re the only one who notices that day. Focus on your efforts and strengths each day, as that is where the true beauty in who you are lies…This is how we create self worth. We cannot love ourselves if we don’t feel worth, and without self worth we cannot love ourselves. Be proud of your accomplishments and give yourself credit when it’s due.
Combined with the daily roses you’re going to acknowledge, try ending each day by recognizing your efforts and what you’re proud of…Go you!
Feel sexy. This goes for you too, men! It feels good to feel good! Do what makes you feel sexy- whatever that may be. We all gain confidence from feeling good. Love yourself and love your body. Be nice to yourself and use words of kindness-always. We all deserve a little sexy self talk, and sometimes we can just feel sexy for ourselves and not for anyone else.
It is possible to retrain our brains to focus more on our positive traits…to focus more on what we love about ourselves, no matter how much we have put ourselves down. Try to tell yourself each day why you feel good about YOU, which in turn helps you gain that self worth. Keep an ongoing list on your phone of what makes you so darn sexy, and keep adding to it. Then on those tougher days where you’re just not feelin’ it, you can pull out that list as a positive reminder.
To feel sexy helps us to feel confident and proud of who we are…Flaunt it!
Buy stuff and don’t feel guilty. We all deserve a little retail therapy once and a while, do we not? It is okay to treat ourselves to the occasional coffee, beer, new shoes, hunting equipment, house decor, etc. It is not going to break the bank to reward ourselves a little bit now and again. It feels good. And hey, we all work hard! All of our money cannot be designated for bills and ‘adulting’. We all deserve some ‘fun money’ now and again, don’t we?! Nothing feels better sometimes than a little materialistic lovin’.
And finally…..It’s a good week to have a good week. Every second, minute, hour, day, week, year, and life is up to us. How awesome is that? It is our choice to look at each week with excitement and opportunity in our eyes and in our hearts. It is up to us to find the good in each experience we encounter. Choose to have a positive mindset…Choose to be kind to yourself, and do not forget to have a good week!

There are two rules to success….
1. Don’t forget to be awesome
2. Follow rule #1

-keep shining

Category: Self Development (Page 9 of 13)

Free Yourself From Guilt

A Simple Bowl of Chili….

Happy Holidays To Me

It’s A Good Week To Have A Good Week

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