Let me put this bluntly; Not everyone who hurts you cares…
Ouch, that stings. I know.
And nothing is more painful or frustrating than spending our time ruminating on our hurt when we know the person who has caused it is not one bit concerned…Why don’t they care? What did I do to deserve this? I did not see this coming. Why haven’t they said sorry, or reached out? Why can’t I just let this go? Why did they hurt me?
We taint incredible life moments when we spend all our time thinking about someone irresponsibly hurting us. Thinking about why they did it, why they don’t seem to care or acknowledge…We lose sight of special moments when we focus on being befuddled by their actions, often missing out on being in the moment because we are stuck desperately trying to piece everything together to make sense of it. So why can’t we let it go, and how do we?
Here are my thoughts:
- It’s hard work, and it takes a lot of discipline and patience to get yourself there. One helpful statement I came across is, “when someone has a ‘problem’ with you and they don’t come to you with it, that is not your problem”. If they do not come to you to fix that issue, that is their problem. There is nothing for you to do. If you think they are having a problem or they are acting differently, it is their responsibility to come to you. It is their issue therefore if they’re not coming to you, let it go. You are not the one with the ‘problem’ which means no sweat off your back. We often ask ourselves what we have done wrong or hypothesize how can we fix it, when it is not our issue. Can you check in with them and ask? Sure, have at it. However, try to remind yourself that the issue lies within the other involved party as this takes some weight and frustration away. It is not solely your responsibility.
- Secondly, forgiveness does not have to mean you let someone off the hook for hurting you. It can simply mean you are moving forward, forgiving and releasing the pain so you do not sit in this icky space any longer. You can forgive the things that caused you pain, but you do not need to forget. You can remember how that person treated you so your future approach with them is different. For example, maybe I lend someone money who does not pay me back. I can forgive them so I do not hold onto the negative energy that does not serve a purpose to me, but you better believe I will not forget that and never loan them money again. Or perhaps you know a good friend of yours has lied to you and they are not coming clean. You may just choose not to trust them in the same way anymore and are more cautious about what you share…
We do not forget what happened, but we forgive in order to relieve ourselves of the anger. We give the other person power if we bathe in our feelings of resentment or anger. Release the energy from this and put it towards something more positive and worthy, perhaps.
- Sometimes, the people in our life are just selfish. You get to decide if you want to engage with that person or not. If you understand the person well, you may know that they only want to win, and that regardless of your feelings or responses to the pain they caused you, they will still end with the upper-hand and the last word. Selfish people just want what they want, and it’s important that we identify them so we can more easily move on without letting their hurt cause us to waste our time.
I can assume you are a caring, thoughtful, and nice person, and for those of us who are, we try SO hard to make things right and struggle to cut ties. It’s a blessing and a curse to be so incredibly kind, isn’t it?
It’s hard to spot these self-centered people sometimes until we get blindsided by their actions, and it stings. Start asking yourself questions to help cut those toxic ties:
- Why would they say/do that to me?
- What is their goal?
- What do I mean to them if they are treating me this way?
- What are they getting out of this?
- Sometimes people’s actions trigger us. Our past experiences and traumas, fears, wants and wishes, etc. can cause us to react more intensely to certain people or situations than what is typical for us. It’s important to recognize if this person’s actions are triggering something deeper within us so we can examine and understand that part of who we are and what we expect from those in our lives. If you find yourself really struggling to move forward from the human who mindlessly hurt you, ask yourself these questions:
- Why is this particular situation or person so difficult for me?
- What past experiences or circumstances, fears, or wants may be affecting my reaction?
- What were my expectations of this person who hurt me?
- Does this remind me of something I have been through?
- Do not assume. This one, my friends, is a difficult task. How many times do we think we know that someone is upset, or their tone was off, or “gee, I clearly rubbed them the wrong way”…All to find out that nothing was wrong at all? Or what if *GASPS* their demeanor had nothing to do with you but instead a completely separate situation? Shocking! Sometimes we get so caught up in making assumptions that we forget that those assumptions are not real. Who hasn’t gone into a total tailspin of fear or anger over something they later realized they were completely wrong about? *Raises hand* Guilty.
Maybe that is the whole reason you even decided to read today’s blog; you think someone is upset with you and you are unsure what to do about it. Ask yourself these questions:
- What led me to believe they would be angry at me, or would treat me this way?
- What facts do I have; how do I know this?
- Know that you deserve better. Remind yourself of all of your strengths, because they are endless. I know, this feels cringe-worthy…My gosh, how could we possibly think so kindly of ourselves?! But if we want to move past how someone treated us, we have to remind ourselves that we deserve better, and why. If that feels like a tough task to accomplish, lean on friends and family to help remind you.
Celebrating all the incredible things you bring to the table helps to empower you to move forward and be happy. Happiness is the greatest gift of this lifetime, after all, and we do not allow ourselves enough of it. We need to care more about ourselves than the people who mindlessly hurt us.
- And lastly…Bye FELICIA! Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Let it hurt
Let it bleed
Let it heal
And let it go