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Category: Self Development (Page 1 of 14)

Boundaries or Brick Walls?

We love a good boundary—especially because we know how hard they are to set in the first place. Boundaries are growth. Boundaries are healing. But if we’re being really honest… sometimes what we call a “boundary” is just a nicely worded way of saying, “No thanks, I don’t trust people anymore.” Or, “I’ve been burned too many times to let anyone in.” A wall with polite grammar is still a wall. Statements like these sound wise, maybe even empowered, but deep down it’s not always about peace—it’s about protection.

And while it might start as a survival strategy, it can quietly become a pattern of isolation we forget how to undo. We stop letting people get close—not because we’ve healed, but because we’re still afraid. We call it a boundary, but really, it’s a brick wall we’ve learned to live behind. We tell ourselves we are “protecting our energy”, but is that really the case?

This doesn’t just show up in our personal lives—it happens at work, too. Maybe you’ve been talked over in meetings one too many times, or trusted the wrong person with the right idea, and now your “boundary” is silence. Maybe you’ve been carrying more than your share for far too long and burnout has crept in—so now, pulling back feels like the only option. You start declining invites, turning off your camera, or keeping things surface-level. And frankly, you’re exhausted.

And that’s where boundaries get tricky: the intention might be care and self-preservation, but the impact can be disconnection.


✦ Wall or Boundary?

On the surface, they can look the same. But there’s a difference in the why behind them.

  • A boundary is rooted in self-awareness, communication, and a desire for healthy connection.
  • A brick wall is built from fear, past wounds, and a need for control or self-protection at all costs.

One brings peace. The other brings isolation.


✦ Why We Build Walls (and When That’s Okay)

All walls aren’t inherently bad; they can be necessary and warranted. Walls protect you during times where we are just trying to survive out here.

When you’ve seen too much, been overworked, dismissed, manipulated, gaslit, or walked all over, a wall can be a lifeline. It’s a “Do Not Disturb” sign when your nervous system is fried, personally or professionally.

But here’s the thing: walls are meant to be temporary and situational, rather than a full-on brick wall that is applied to all aspects of life. What protects you during survival mode can start to isolate you in healing mode. And that’s when you need to pause and check in:

  • Is this still serving me?
  • What is the actual purpose?
  • Does this wall prevent harm – or connection?
  • Is it keeping me from being successful, present, or fully seen?

✦ Brick Walls in Disguise

Typically, walls sound like:

  • “I just tend to shut down when I am overwhelmed.”
  • “I cut people out at times. It’s a me thing, not you.”
  • “I just cut people off when they act up. No time for nonsense.”
  • “I’m busy. Always. Perpetually busy.”
  • “People always leave, so I don’t get close anymore.”

These may feel empowering and self-respecting in the moment, but often, it is an avoidance strategy. It feels easier and safer. And while boundaries say, “I care about this connection enough to show up honestly within my limits” walls say, “Nope, I’m out.”


✦ So What Is a Boundary, Really?

A boundary says:

  • “I value this relationship enough to be clear about what I need.”
  • “Here’s how I can stay regulated and connected to myself while still being in relationship with you.”
  • “I’m not punishing you—I’m protecting my peace and letting you know how to be part of my life in a healthy way.”
  • “I love and appreciate my work, but I am more effective when I set limits.”

Boundaries require clarity, conversation, and vulnerability.
Walls require nothing—because they don’t allow anyone close enough to listen anyway.


✦ When Brick Walls Turn Into Shame

Sometimes, our brick walls aren’t just about fear. Brick walls can turn into guilt, leading to shame and pushing us further into isolation.
We feel guilt for needing space from our jobs. Guilt for not showing up for those we care about. Guilt for not being “over it” already…
…Shame for not feeling grateful enough, healed enough, “chill” enough. Not feeling ready enough to re-engage; ready enough to work harder.

And so, instead of setting clear boundaries with honesty and compassion, we ghost. We vanish. We overcompensate or shut down. We develop unhealthy coping strategies. We try to protect ourselves, but at the cost of connection and the ability for others to depend on us.

The guilt that comes with setting boundaries is real. I’ve had to unlearn the idea that needing space means I’m letting people down—because loving others and loving my work doesn’t mean I have to be available 24/7.
That’s especially tricky when your profession revolves around caring for others… and you have a deeply ingrained habit of over-functioning and people-pleasing (me!). But I’ve learned that setting healthy boundaries doesn’t make me less committed—it actually helps me stay present instead of disappearing or spiraling.

Still, I check in with myself:
Is this boundary giving me space to breathe… or is it a wall I’ve built to avoid something?


✦ How to Know Which One You’re Building

Ask yourself:

  • Does this create more peace or just distance?
  • Am I avoiding a conversation I need to have—with others or myself?
  • Is this coming from my healed self… or my hurt one?
  • Am I protecting my peace or avoiding something?
  • If I could guarantee my safety, would I show up differently? (re-read this one three more times)

Sometimes a wall can feel like a win—because you don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t feel misunderstood, and you create a reason not to show up. But healing doesn’t happen in isolation; you can’t grow when you avoid.


Walls are easier. Boundaries are braver.

Walls say: “I’ve been hurt, and I won’t let that happen again.”
Boundaries say: “I’ve been hurt, and I’m learning how to be safe while staying connected to myself, my job, and others.”

It’s okay to have a season of walls. But don’t forget you deserve to live a life where you can breathe, connect, and trust again.

Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is – and how to knock respectfully. ~

-keep shining
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New Wins, Old Worries

So, you finally get the thing you asked for…

The job.
The relationship.
The move.
The baby.
The opportunity.

The version of life you once laid in bed praying for, aching for, fighting for.

And suddenly… you notice something unexpected.

Maybe you’re not as happy as you thought you’d be.
Or you feel oddly anxious, unsettled, heavy.
Like something isn’t quite right, but you can’t put your finger on it.

You start to question everything:
Am I good enough for this?
What if I mess it up?
Do I even deserve this?
Is this really what I wanted?

And then comes the mental spiral—the relentless reel playing in your head:
Did I say too much in that meeting?
Should I have worded that email differently?
Do they think I’m too much? Too quiet? Not enough?
Am I in over my head?
Did I make a mistake? Do I regret this?

You overanalyze. You replay every interaction. You carry invisible weight on your shoulders, trying to make sense of it all.

And just when you think you’ve hit your breaking point, that voice shows up—the shame whisper:
“You should feel grateful. This is what you wanted, remember?”

If we are being honest, getting what you wanted doesn’t always feel the way you thought it would…And that is okay. Sometimes we hit milestones or reach goals and still feel… off. You think you should feel proud, accomplished, grateful. And maybe you do — but underneath that? A tight chest. Second-guessing. Impostor syndrome. A weird ache you can’t explain.

You’re not broken. You’re not ungrateful. You’re just human.

You can want something deeply and still feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of it.
You can be grateful and terrified at the same time.
You can step into the life you asked for and still find yourself grieving the version you left behind—the one with more sleep, fewer expectations, less pressure, more space.

“Sometimes the greatest thing you can do is sit with your discomfort and not let it define you.”

Sometimes overthinking becomes the way we try to manage that discomfort.
We micromanage what we say, how we show up, how we’re perceived—anything to feel a bit more in control. And when we’re not picking apart ourselves, we start picking apart the situation, the people, the possibilities, the worst-case scenarios.

I think this is where we get stuck:
We don’t always realize when we’ve moved from processing into spiraling. Or we avoid as much as possible and aren’t honest with ourselves; we start to feel pretty lonely.

At first, it starts small—just a few second guesses here and there. But when we keep stuffing those thoughts down (avoid) because we feel ashamed, or ungrateful, or embarrassed, they start to fester. Maybe we’re afraid to admit that something doesn’t feel quite right, that it’s harder than expected, or that it’s simply not what we imagined. Maybe being honest feels scary—because honesty makes it real.

Here’s what I’ve learned (and get slapped in the face with every once in a while):


Let’s talk about that title for a second.

New Wins, Old Worries.
When you really sit with it, “old worries” might not be entirely accurate. The worries aren’t always old in the literal sense — they might be new reactions to new roles, or evolved anxieties showing up in familiar patterns. But what does feel old is the cycle: the self-doubt, the overthinking, the pressure to feel only gratitude.

And often, that “old worry” is guilt. Or shame.
The stuff we’ve been conditioned to feel anytime our gratitude isn’t loud enough to silence our struggle.
The message we absorb — sometimes subtly, sometimes directly — is: If you’re lucky, you shouldn’t feel anything but lucky.

So while the specifics may be fresh, the emotional experience has a “here we go again” familiarity.

Overthinking is often a sneaky form of self-protection.
It gives us the illusion of control. We think that if we replay something enough times, we can prevent future pain or dissect where it went wrong. But really, we’re just reinforcing our fear and causing unnecessary stress. All of this ruminating becomes pretty exhausting and time consuming.

The transition into something new is harder than people admit.
You don’t just snap into your new role or identity overnight. There’s an adjustment period—an awkward, tender in-between filled with discomfort, doubt, and identity shifts. There’s even grief—because even good things bring change, and change brings loss.

Feeling conflicted doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful.
You’re allowed to hold multiple truths at once. You can feel proud and panicked, excited and exhausted, fulfilled and still quietly wondering what comes next. Human emotions are messy and layered. Let them be.

Sometimes, your brain is just trying to keep you safe.
If you’ve experienced trauma or instability, joy might feel like a setup. You brace for disappointment because that’s what you’ve been conditioned to expect. And in that tension, self-sabotage can sneak in—we’d rather blow it up ourselves than wait for it to fall apart. At least then, we’re in “control”.

You’re not on everyone else’s mind as much as you think.
Seriously. They’ve moved on from that moment. You can too. And if they haven’t? That’s about them. Life gets a little lighter when you stop making yourself small just to fit inside someone else’s opinion. You don’t owe anyone a performance, but you do owe it to yourself to take up space in your own life—to prioritize your peace, your needs, your growth.

The problem isn’t the thought—it’s what we do with it.
It’s okay to have a weird, anxious, uncertain thought. But the second we start thinking about our thought – dissecting it, assigning meaning to it, and making it mean something about who we are… that’s when we spiral. Thoughts aren’t facts. They’re not predictions. They’re just thoughts. Let them pass through you, not define you.


So What Can You Do?

Name it. (sometimes, even out loud)
“This is fear talking.”
“This is overthinking.”
“This is my brain trying to protect me.”
Labeling the experience gives us a bit of distance. It disarms the story.

Get out of your head and into your body.
Move. Stretch. Breathe. Step outside. Drink some damn water. Interrupt the spiral.

Talk it out.
Say the thing out loud to someone safe. Sometimes all it takes is hearing yourself to realize the thought doesn’t have power over you anymore or that is okay to be honest. Talking it through with someone supportive in your life can bring some relief, clarity and comfort.

And remember:
You are not behind, you are not wrong, you are not a bad person.

Transitions are tender. They are messy and hard and beautiful. They force us to meet ourselves in a new way. That process is sacred. Let it take the time it needs.

You didn’t make a mistake. Maybe it’s not what you imagined, but that doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice. Every experience—yes, even this one—is a teacher. Let it shape you. Let it stretch you. Let it clarify what you want next.

Be kind to past-you. That version of you who wanted this? They believed in your ability to carry it. Maybe it’s not what you pictured, but you made it here. You kept going. Give yourself grace.

So yeah—maybe you’re overthinking.
Maybe you’re struggling to enjoy the very thing you once begged for.
Maybe you’re quietly wondering why it doesn’t feel easier, better, more fulfilling.

But please remember this:

You’re not broken.
You’re not ungrateful.
You’re not the only one.

You’re just human, adjusting to the weight of growth.

Take a deep breath.
Feel it.
Let it pass.

And when in doubt—come back to the present.
There’s still life happening here, too.


“Becoming isn’t easy. It’s just worth it.”

-keep shining
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Rewrite The Plot

I was scrolling down the inevitable black hole of TikTok the other day when I heard something that stopped me in my tracks:

“If you were the main character in a movie about your life and there was an audience watching the movie, what would the audience be screaming at you to do?”

Oof. Gut punch. Because let’s be honest—most of us would be yelling something, or perhaps many things…It could be something gentle, like “Dude, put down your phone and be present.” Or maybe other, louder things, like “STOP PRIORITIZING PEOPLE WHO DO NOT PRIORITIZE YOU” or, “QUIT THAT JOB AND BE HAPPY!”

And let’s not even start on those horror movie moments, when you know what’s coming, and you’re practically begging the character, “Don’t go in there!” But they always do. Every. Single. Time.

I sat with it for a minute; if my life was playing out on screen, what would I be yelling at myself?

I’d probably be gripping the armrest and thinking, “Please don’t say yes to that thing you don’t have time for.” I’d be whispering to my friend next to me in the theatre, “Why doesn’t she stand up for herself?!” I’d be going mad when they (AKA, me) hesitate on something they know deep down they want, yelling, “Just freaking do it already!”

And here’s the thing—if we can see it so clearly from the outside, why is it so hard to change from the inside?

Maybe it’s because we’re too close to our own stories. We excuse our own patterns because they feel familiar. And we forget that, unlike a movie, we actually can rewrite the next scene.

So, here’s my challenge for you (and for me):

1. Figure out what you’d be yelling.

What’s the one thing (or things) you wish your past self would have done differently? What’s the pattern that keeps playing on repeat? What’s the decision that—if this were a movie—you’d be watching, shaking your head, already knowing how it ends?

As you reflect, resist the urge to beat yourself up… Regret is a trap—one filled with shame, guilt, and endless bargaining that leads nowhere but frustration. I have never believed in the idea of regret because there’s no point in dwelling on what’s already happened, but there is value in looking back with clarity. Not to ruminate, but to recognize. Not to stay stuck, but to step forward with a new perspective.
“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”

2. Decide if you want the movie to take a plot twist.

If you keep watching yourself make the same choices, ending up in the same situations, it’s worth asking—do you want the story to stay the same, or is it time for a shift? Patterns don’t break on their own, and nothing changes until you decide to change it.

This isn’t about flipping your life upside down overnight, but about recognizing that you’re not stuck in a predetermined storyline. You get to decide whether this remains a cycle of missed opportunities and frustration or becomes the turning point where things finally shift. This does not have to be the cautionary tale you thought it was—maybe this is the part where everything starts to change, or at least some parts.

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

Here’s the thing about change and taking risks: the unknown will always feel uncomfortable, but staying in the same loop just because it’s familiar isn’t safe—it’s just stagnant. Those of you who read my blogs regularly know how much I encourage this. Instead of wondering what could be, what if you actually experienced it? Take a moment to journal about the decisions you’ve been avoiding or the ones you make begrudgingly; talk it out with someone you trust and visualize what the sequel to your life’s movie would look like if you finally went for the plot twist…

What would happen if you bet on yourself?

3. Start acting like the main character you’re rooting for.

The one who sets boundaries, chooses joy, and stops giving second chances to things that don’t deserve them. The one who stops letting fear hold them back. The one who finally realizes that their worth was never in question and who has the confidence they always envied in others. It’s your movie, so you get to decide.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

At the end of the day, no one wants to watch a movie where the character stays stuck. The best ones are where they finally get it. Where they make the move, take the risk, say the thing, and step into something better… Doesn’t that feel good?

And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be the character who makes it to the happy ending than the one who has people throwing popcorn at the screen, yelling, “Come on. You know better!”

So, what’s your movie moment? What’s the thing you know you’d yell at yourself? Maybe today’s the day you finally listen and take the first step.

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.”

-keep shining
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Authenticity

Accurate – Reliable – Genuine – Aware
These words describe authenticity, which is the true definition of being who we are. By being ourselves, we gain so much. And when we can focus on what we gain from being authentic, we can finally stop focusing on what we risk losing. (Hint: nothing.)

With today’s societal norms and expectations, we miss out on getting to know ourselves. Social media, expectations, and how we judge ourselves hinder us from getting to know who we are and being proud of it. By being authentic to who we are, we are more realistic, we stand up for what we believe in, we accept ourselves and others, we are thoughtful, and we feel free to express our emotions. Authentic people know what motivates them and are open to learning from mistakes. Doesn’t that sound nice? To simply release the need to look to others for approval because we do not need it. We do not have to be confused about who we truly are or want to be. We do not hide from expressing ourselves and we don’t judge others as much. Authenticity is total alignment with our values, beliefs, and psychological needs.

So why is this so scary?

Authenticity comes with self-discipline; we have to create a sense of balance and be open to self-reflection. It is to identify all aspects of ourselves and align with those things. But we fear judgment from others and honest conversations with ourselves because we live in a society where perfection and “fitting in” outweigh realism. We do not feel safe, whether in our own bodies or around others. We are overwhelmed with self-doubt and self-consciousness because authenticity can be a daunting and intimidating task…What happens if my values and beliefs go against the grain? Who will support me, who will laugh at me? Furthermore, we may have been conditioned to repress our true selves, whether we grew up in an abusive or unsafe home, a judgmental environment, or remain in a place where our emotions are unacceptable.

What can we do about it?

When you are yourself, others are better able to find you…If you pretend to be someone else, people can’t see you for who you are.” (Speak by Tunde Oyeneyin)

For me, mindfulness plays a huge role: Being mindful about how certain topics and conversations make me feel, being mindful of my own words and actions and understanding where they come from. I also try to be mindful of who/what I surround myself with, and why. I pay attention to how I feel in circumstances where I speak my truth, and I pay attention to the actions of people who I spend my time with – Do I align with them? “When you speak your mind, it’s like waving a flag people can see from a distance. Some will see it and say, ‘No, thanks, that’s not for me’, but I guarantee you the people in the back of the line, those people will see it and know to come.” Speak by Tunde Oyeneyin)

I also encourage people to explore their shame. After many years in social work, I find that shame is the most dangerous of emotions. I have an entire post dedicated to this topic and you can read it here.
Discovering where your shame comes from and releasing it can drastically increase your sense of self. Remove what no longer serves you – shame will absolutely torture you but has no purpose. Once you can release what is holding you back, you will be at peace and find it easier to be authentic.

Define what authenticity is for you. Or think of someone you find authentic and ponder what it is about them that you admire. What would help you feel more authentic, and how can you practice those behaviors? Discovering these behaviors may help you make decisions you have been avoiding for a while or finding the confidence to take the next step. Authenticity comes down to the awareness of your realness. All of your thoughts, behaviors, actions and inactions are already authentic to who you are as a person. It really just boils down to expression, honesty and awareness, whether with yourself or those around you.
(Psychology Today has several great articles on authenticity if you want to explore this topic further.)

Discover what you value and get involved. Whether you value leadership, independence, giving back, or things that you care about such as nature or art, find ways to act on them.

Lastly, reflect on decisions before you finalize them. Understand why you chose to make a decision (or not) and how it conflicts or coincides with your belief system. Acknowledging any fear or excitement behind decisions help us align closer with our sense of self.

And remember…you were born to be real, not to be perfect.

-keep shining

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Words.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves, starting in grade school. In fact, I would argue that words are the most powerful weapon we have access to, and we carry it with us at all times.
Words can be the fixer of all things and can also be the reason someone can’t seem to make it through life. Our words matter, they have meaning, they are impactful, and it is our responsibility to use them wisely.

I recently heard a speech given by Mohammed Qahtani where he stated, “Words have power. Words are power. Words could be your power. You can change a life, inspire a nation, make this world a beautiful place. Isn’t that what we all wanted? Your mouth can spit venom, or it can mend a broken soul.”

I rewatched that speech numerous times, reflecting on moments in my life where words truly changed my trajectory…Times when words broke me down, but also the times when words impacted me so greatly that they are a major reason for my happiness.

There is one memory that I immediately thought of when listening to Mohammed’s speech that changed my perspective on words, kindness, and how the two together can literally change someone’s life.
Several years ago, I would guess about 2018, I met with someone interested in the anti-human trafficking movement who requested a meeting with me. Let’s call her, Jane Doe (I know, I lose points in creativity here, but just stick with me!). When Jane and I met, I immediately recognized her from about 20 years earlier in middle school. When we introduced ourselves and sat down, I said to her, “hey, aren’t you Jane Doe?!” She looked at me, shocked and a little embarrassed/uncomfortable and responded with, “yeah, but how do you know me and know my last name? I haven’t used that last name in a very long time.” I explained to her that I knew her from middle school prior to her moving. She told me she was surprised I remembered her, and she went on to explain she felt unlikeable and that no one really saw her. She then talked about a basketball game she saw me at after she had moved…”Hey, are you the Melissa who looked at me, smiled and waved, and said Hi Jane at that basketball game?”…
After we reminisced on that moment from 20 years prior, we went on to talk about why she moved away and changed her last name, and some of the trauma in her life at that time.

The point of this short story is not to give myself a pat-on-the-back or any kudos. It’s to show the power of words, literally one word…hi. HI. Just simply acknowledging someone with one word made them feel seen, likeable, and a moment worth remembering. We talked about how that moment impacted her, which shocked me, because it did not feel like I did much.
She remembered that moment. We both remembered that moment. It was 20 years ago, and she remembered me, a middle schooler, just smiling and using the word hi. During that time in her life, she felt invisible, unimportant, and abused. She did not have friends or a healthy support system, and simply having someone display kindness towards her with a simple “hi” made such an impact on her life that 20 years later she still randomly remembered some girl named Melissa showing her kindness at a basketball game.

Our meeting, which was supposed to be about anti-trafficking work, impacted the both of us in ways we did not expect, and we were purposefully brought together again. It will always stick with me. We do not always get to know what impact our words have on people and I was grateful for the opportunity to see her again.

Long story short, do not underestimate the power of words. Not only do they convey meaning and purpose, but they are how we express ourselves to others and how we find connection. Each one of us can reflect on many times in which words hurt us, changed our lives, or made us the happiest we could have ever been. It’s important to remember those experiences and understand that it is each of our responsibilities to choose words wisely. Simply saying to someone you love them, are proud of them, care about them, believe in them, or see their potential can change their lives. And apparently, so can simply just smiling and saying hi.

Don’t ever diminish the power of words. Words move hearts, and hearts move limbs. ~

-keep shining

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