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Category: Relationships (Page 1 of 3)

Observe vs. Absorb

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling emotionally drained, like you’ve taken on someone else’s stress, anger, or sadness? If you’re in a helping profession, a leadership role, or even just a deeply empathetic person, this experience is probably all too familiar.

Recently, my therapist shared a concept with me that hit home in a big way: Observe vs. Absorb. As someone who has always carried the weight of others’ emotions, taken on guilt that isn’t mine, and felt responsible for everyone else’s happiness—often at the expense of my own—this idea challenged the way I show up for others and, more importantly, for myself.

At its core, this concept is about how we engage with the emotions of those around us. Instead of absorbing their feelings—internalizing their stress, frustration, or sadness—we can observe them. When we absorb, we make their emotions our own, often leading to defensiveness, burnout, or misplaced guilt. But when we observe, we create space to understand, validate, and respond with clarity rather than reaction.

And as my therapist put it, “You don’t take in ANYTHING that belongs to someone else, and no matter how big and bad their storm is raging- you just hold fast as a safe space.”

Why We Absorb

For many of us, absorbing emotions is an automatic response. We might do it because we care deeply and want to help. Some of us feel responsible for fixing things. We may have been raised in environments where emotions were contagious. And sometimes, we struggle with boundaries—where defining where we end and others begin is a real challenge.

Picture yourself as a sponge. At first, we take on small amounts of “water” (other people’s stress, sadness, or frustration). Over time, we get heavier and heavier, holding onto “water” (emotions) that was never ours to carry. Eventually, we become so heavy and saturated that we start to spill over—whether in the form of exhaustion, resentment, or emotional burnout. Instead, we want to see ourselves as an anchor – We hold space for everyone to have their own feelings. We can hold the boat and help strategize their problem.

Choosing to Observe

Observing doesn’t mean we stop caring. It means we witness someone’s emotions without making them our own. It allows us to recognize and acknowledge emotions without being consumed by them. It helps us to stay present without reacting with defensiveness. When we observe, we can respond with empathy rather than absorption, support rather than self-sacrifice.

How to Shift from Absorbing to Observing

  • Pause and Name It – When you feel yourself absorbing someone’s emotions, pause and acknowledge it: I see they’re upset. I don’t have to take that on.
  • Stay Grounded – Take a deep breath. Plant your feet on the floor. Remind yourself that their emotions belong to them, not you.
    (I wrote another blog around this concept here.)
  • Validate Without Owning – You can acknowledge someone’s emotions without taking them in: “I hear that you’re frustrated. That sounds really tough.” This shows understanding without internalizing their feelings.
  • Ask, Don’t Assume – Instead of mirroring their emotions, ask what they need: “How can I support you?” This shifts the focus from reaction to intention and helps the other person clarify what they truly need.
  • Set an Emotional Boundary – Imagine a protective shield around you. Visualize emotions passing by you instead of through you. This practice helps me stay grounded and creates an invisible barrier, giving me the awareness to respond intentionally rather than react emotionally.

The Freedom in Observing

When we practice observe vs. absorb, we free ourselves from emotional exhaustion. We maintain compassion without becoming overwhelmed. And most importantly, we show up in a way that is healthier for both ourselves and the people we care about.

Viktor Frankl once said,
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

This space is where observation lives. Instead of instantly reacting—absorbing someone’s frustration, sadness, or anger—we can pause. We can recognize that their emotions are theirs, not ours. And in doing so, we gain the freedom to choose how we engage, how we support, and how we protect our own peace.

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”

-keep shining
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When you love yourself…

  • You smile more often
  • Your taste in people will change
  • You say no
  • You do not listen to outside opinions
  • Your confidence is your best friend
  • Your success matters more than how much you weigh
  • You are less stressed
  • You focus on your purpose
  • You understand your passions
  • You see the world through a positive lens
  • You are less judgmental
  • You gain self awareness
  • You leave toxic relationships behind
  • You are grateful for the little things
  • You trust the process
  • You do not let the expectations of others define you
  • You put yourself first
  • Your mindset evolves
  • Your values and goals begin to change
  • You are able to be vulnerable
  • You set boundaries
  • Your self care becomes a priority
  • You see yourself for you who are
  • You seek more opportunities
  • You learn to accept helpful criticism and apply it
  • You prioritize the health of your body and soul
  • You love unconditionally
  • You are living

-keep shining
(Click here to learn how to celebrate yourself)

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A Letter To Yourself

Dear Self,
I am sorry. I am sorry for being so hard on you. I am sorry for not accepting you just the way you are. For not loving you the way you deserve to be loved. For not taking care of your needs, and putting others first. I am sorry for letting opinions outside of your own dictate your life and your future. I am sorry for suggesting you be sad all by yourself rather than sharing that sadness with the world. I am sorry that I make you fear judgment from others instead of letting yourself shine. I am sorry that I don’t encourage you to be true to yourself but rather make you worry about people not understanding you. I am sorry that I do not give you the time you need to heal. That I expect you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps when you do not have any boots. I am sorry for not allowing you to cry on my shoulder and not allowing you to be vulnerable. I am sorry that sometimes I do not trust your judgment, even though deep down I know you’re right. I am sorry for expecting you to be perfect and allowing the portrayal of perfection in our society to ruminate in your mind. I am sorry that I do not remind you of how brave, resilient, and pretty you are. I am sorry that I make you feel as though you cannot make mistakes or take any risks. I am sorry for not allowing you to be honest with yourself in difficult moments. You do not deserve any of this, and you need to know that I see you trying. And because of that, you deserve happiness. You deserve happiness because of who you are…Because you are incredible, you are extraordinary. You deserve happiness because life should be more than pretending to be perfect. You deserve happiness because your flaws are beautiful. But most importantly, you deserve happiness just because. And I am so sorry that I have made you feel as though you are not worthy of this.

-keep shining
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Connection vs. Attachment

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Throughout our lifetimes we have numerous relationships that come and go. With each relationship we encounter, we development ourselves further. We learn more about who we are through others. We discover what it is we want in a friend and in a life partner through connection and attachment, and we further develop our own values and morals based on our interactions with those we surround ourselves with.
It’s no secret that relationships are both tough and life changing. They offer so much to us; relationships are the basis of human life. We are completely motivated by our desire for human interaction. Everything we think revolves around the impact it’ll have on our relationships. It’s the interactions with those around us that create a feeling of wholeness; our desire for human connection makes up the entirety of our lives.

As I previously stated, relationships come and go. It’s the ‘go’ part that gets tough, but it’s also the ‘go’ that creates resiliency within ourselves. It changes us, makes us stronger, and gets us one step closer to solidifying what kinds of relationships we want to surround ourselves with. The ‘go’ is typically the break up, or the decision to end a friendship. These are the rough patches that cause pain, and take a lot of time to heal and move on from. It’s not easy. It’s hard to let go of people we feel attached to, partly because we devote a lot of our time to the attachments we have with people. But to be attached isn’t necessarily what we want in a relationship…

Connection gives you power, attachment sucks the life out of you.

Let me further explain….

I was recently educating high school students on healthy relationships. We were discussing what makes a relationship unhealthy, and one student mentioned being “attached at the hip”.  This made me think about the meaning behind the phrase “attached at the hip” and where it came from.  After giving it some thought, it dawned on me that there is a huge difference between connection and attachment, but often times we combine them to be one in the same.

We all witness or personally experience those relationships that just go through the motions, or settling, as some would say. It’s being too comfortable, being too content and not knowing how to leave because you’ve formed an attachment to their presence… Like we do not know how to move on because we have developed an attachment to having that person around, and we fear what people will think if we stray from the ‘norm’ or what they were expecting from us.  This is attachment.  We attach to people and do not know how to function without them, regardless of whether or not it is healthy or what we really want.
To attach means to join together or fasten to something. For example, we attach to our phones because we have developed a habit; a feeling of not being able to get by each day without it in our presence and constantly in reach. A habit of just having it around and knowing it will be there. We always know where our phones are at any minute….Now how unhealthy does that sound when we say that about relationships?

What we really mean to be seeking when we form an attachment to someone is a connection. Connection is unconditional love. It’s an unexplainable bond to someone, sometimes unexpected. Ever hear or use the phrase, ‘we just clicked’ or, ‘we just connected’?
It’s an understanding of someone that supersedes the other relationships in our lives. Sometimes it is the feeling of knowing someone despite not spending a lot of time with them. It can be finishing each others sentences, or being able to feel what the other person feels; being able to read the other person. It is a feeling of knowing….You just get each other, and sometimes it’s hard to put that into words. It’s sharing our true selves, our deepest secrets, without fear of the other person judging. It’s feeling complete, understood, and allowing each other to make mistakes. It’s being away from each other and having trust that your connection is strong enough to endure turmoil, and confident enough to overcome differences. Finding connection is powerful; it gives us confidence.
Connection is having common interests.
Our minds are wired to connect to people, we need it…We crave it. There is nothing more satisfying than finding connections with people and exploring them. To expand ourselves by interacting with others on a deeper, more meaningful and whole level. We are happy when we are connected.

Take some time to dissect your relationships. Be honest with yourself; there is nothing to fear. Ask yourself the tough questions. Yes, we will have superficial relationships in our lives, most relationships we have  are superficial…or ‘surface-level’. Sometimes we just attach to people based on outer circumstances. But you have choice in the matter, you have the ability to come and go in people’s lives. You decide why you want to move on or stick around. You choose what it is you’re seeking in your relationships, and what you ultimately want for your life. Go after it.

~Maybe it’s not about the length of time you’ve known someone, maybe it’s about instant recognition on an unconscious level…Connection doesn’t care what society tells us, your Soul will be pulled to the place it belongs.

-keep shining

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