Category: Relationships (Page 2 of 2)

Relationships with a Capital R

December 2, 2016 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

There are very few things in life that are more important than relationships. That is because relationships are the basis of our lives. They help define who we are, make us whole, and are the most crucial way in which we function as a society. Relationships are how we learn about ourselves and those around us. Without them, we are missing out on a major part of our ongoing development. And, honestly, relationships just make us happy. They reassure us of who we are and motivate us to become better people.

Below are some ‘Relationship Rules’, as I like to call them, that I want to share with you.

<3 Loyalty and Respect are not updates to a relationship, they are a requirement to a relationship
YES! Write this one down, people!
As I am sure most of us do, I often get frustrated with myself when I recall the unfortunate things I put up with in my former relationships- whether boyfriends, friends, coworkers, etc.. However, if it weren’t for those unhealthy happenings in my relationships I would have never learned to speak up for myself the way I do now. I would not nearly be as confident in or as happy with the person I am today if it weren’t for a lot of what I experienced in my former relationships. We can all look back and find things we learned from those who we allowed to treat us poorly, no matter how unfortunate or icky those memories may be. But, that is why Loyalty and Respect are a must in every relationship you encounter and find value in. These two traits are invaluable and will get you very far in life. I cannot express enough on the importance of Loyalty and Respect. If you have these two things in your relationships, you are on a happy and healthy track. And if we are loyal and respectful, others will gravitate towards us and be much more likely to display the same in return.

<3 Far too many people are looking for the right person instead of being the right person
On our wedding day, my husband and I had a reading in our ceremony that we fell in love with. The last line of it states, “it is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner”. I will never forget that line. It is a good reminder to let our guards down in order to love those around us, and look in the mirror rather than point fingers. We all want so badly to be understood, but we forget to be understanding. Being the right person helps to hold ourselves accountable in our relationships. We can only expect from our partner what we are providing in return. It is equal give and take that makes the world go ’round!

<3 Tell people how you feel
Feelings are gooooooood! And men, even better when you can express your feelings confidently (aka- it is okay to cry!). We are all entitled to our own feelings, express them! It feels so good to not build everything up inside. Your feelings matter and may make a huge difference in your or someone else’s life if you learn to express them. It is so good to practice being honest with ourselves and others. We feel a certain way for a reason, own it. Be open to exploring why you feel a certain way to help learn more about yourself. The more we understand our reactions, triggers, and emotions, the happier and more knowledgable we become, and the more relief we feel by expressing ourselves. It also helps to understand the emotions and reactions of others around us. Not to mention we will be more satisfied and comfortable in our relationships.

<3 Be prepared for disappointment
My mother always told me that everyone in my life will disappoint me at some time or another, and I have remembered this throughout the years. It helps to prepare me for the moments when people do disappoint me in my life. No matter how close we think we are in some relationships, people will always hurt and disappoint us. And there will be times where we will hurt and disappoint others, too. No one is perfect and people make mistakes. The mistakes that are made is what can be hurtful at times, and it is up to us to decide whether the disappointment is worth mending in that relationship, or moving on with our lives. Some friendships are in our lives for a short time and are not meant to last forever, and that is okay. However, it is also up to us to forgive those who have disappointed us to help us practice humility and acceptance of others.
The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for. Bob Marley

<3 What people think of you is none of your business
Oh how accurate this is! Nothing is more stressful, hurtful, or frustrating than hearing the negative things people have said about us. But honestly, what is the point of caring? You know who you are, that is what matters. Any why put ourselves through the hurt of having to know what people have said about us? Other people’s opinions and statements are not our business, even if they are about us. People are all entitled to their thoughts and opinions. And you know what? There is nothing we can do about that. Let’s all try to focus more on the areas of life we can control rather than worrying about others’ thoughts and opinions, which we will never be able to manipulate.

<3 You don’t need 2 million friends
It seems to me that the older people get, the more they value having just a few really close friends. Having a ton of friends is exhausting, and it takes a lot of time! Personally, I enjoy having a small friend circle as I can better focus on the relationships that mean the most to me. I can spend more time with those who are equally invested in my friendship as I am in theirs. These are the people that are less apt to hurt us and more able to be trusted. I find so much more value in my friendships as my circle gets smaller, and I am so grateful for that.

And when it comes to relationships, actions speak louder than words, people!

-keep shining

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Tips to Communicating Effectively

February 16, 2016 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

This week, I want to provide four quick and easy skills for interacting with others. These four simple skills will make a world of difference in the conversations and arguments you will have, and I am excited to share them with you!
There are times in our interactions with others where we get upset, defensive, argumentative, and frustrated. Unfortunately, it’s going to happen to the best of us. However, there are ways to better interact and be aware of how we are communicating to help keep the conversation at a civil, calm level of discussion and reasoning. It’s inevitable that we are going to argue with our family, our spouse, our best friend, our boss….But how can we do it in a way where we will be heard, and more able to hear what others are saying to us? I know for myself I find it difficult to be willing to listen when I am in a defensive state of mind. All I am thinking about is what I want to say next rather than trying to listen to what is being said. This is really counterproductive in any type of relationship.
Try these four skills:

Use ‘I feel’ statements. ‘I feel’ statements is a skill used to calmly tell someone what we are thinking in a way that includes our feelings, which in turn helps the other person understand where we are at emotionally, and why we may be reacting a certain way.
For example, let’s say in a conversation with your significant other they raise their voice before saying, “Ugh, you’re pissing me off and you’re not listening to a word I am saying!”. How would this make you feel? I can feel my blood boiling just thinking about it! How would this not be helpful, and how would you respond? You may say something impulsive and hurtful which leads to more arguing and hurt feelings on both sides. Also, this does not resolve anything.
Now, how much easier would it be for you to respond if your significant other instead said “I feel hurt and frustrated when you do not appear to be listening to me when you are on your phone.”? A touchy topic can be more calmly discussed and resolved if approached by using “I feel ____ when you _______ ” statements.
Think of a time you were interacting with someone which turned into an argument, and you felt really defensive. Why were you feeling defensive in that moment? What was said to you that upset you? Also think of a time that you really upset someone else during a conversation which turned into an argument. Why were they upset with you? Could using an ‘I feel’ statement have assisted in the situation?
Do not name call, and do not raise your voice. Sounds easy enough, right? But we all know this is easier said than done sometimes. All I can say here is try really hard to focus on the way we speak to others. So much greatness can be accomplished if we focus on resolving an issue rather than adding fuel to the fire. Some thoughts are better left unsaid, and keeping a calm demeanor is respectful and will be well received. Plus, we really don’t want to hurt the ones we care about which is exactly what we are doing by name calling and getting loud. Remind yourself that you are on the same team as that person, and want the same end goal. You would not be spending time having this conversation or argument if you did not feel value in continuing a relationship with that person.
Do not use statements with the words ‘always’ and ‘never’. Another situation which will cause us to get really defensive really fast. ‘Always’ and ‘never’ should not be used in conversations or arguments because, simply, it is not true.
It’s okay to get upset at your husband for rarely taking out the trash. But, approaching him with saying “you never take out the trash!” will trigger him to think of all the times he has taken out the trash and think you do not notice. ‘Always’ and ‘never’ are bold words, and hearing them can be really discouraging. Try avoiding ‘always’ and ‘never’, and add in an ‘I feel’ statement to ensure the conversation goes smoothly.
Agree to disagree. At the end of the day, sometimes it is okay to accept that we are not on the same page, and it may stay that way. We all know that people do not always agree on everything, and everyone’s perspectives are different. It is okay to hear each other out and learn from one another while understanding that you are not going to change each other’s minds. To be able to ‘agree to disagree’ is a skill, and is not always easy to do.
Listening is huge when it comes to ‘agreeing to disagree’. We must listen to and try to understand others’ perspectives even when we disagree. It takes discipline and patience to listen when we do not want to. However, in doing so it helps us to become more open-minded individuals. Being open-minded is helpful in our work and our relationships with people, and helps in our understanding for people and their life choices, beliefs, and circumstances. And who wouldn’t want to be a more understanding and open-minded individual?!

If you just communicate, you can get by. But if you communicate skillfully, you will work miracles.
-keep shining

Safe Word

July 10, 2015 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

As a parent /care giver, we know teenagers can be difficult, that is no secret or surprise. We worry about teenagers and the decisions they make. It is stressful!
As a teenager, life is challenging. You’re trying to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and what choices you want to make in life. And at times, you make choices based on what your friends want and not necessarily what feels right to you.

I am sure everyone has a few situations they look back on with some regret, or knowing it was wrong. However, because our peers did it or pressured us into doing it we felt obligated. It was the “cool” thing to do, so of course we wanted to fit in!
So, how can we help? As caregivers and parents, what are some tips/tricks we can utilize to ensure our teens and children stay safe? There seems to be nothing that works at times as teens will want to be independent, and of course think we are the worst people on the face of the earth! Teenagers do know everything and have every answer, as you know 😉

I just have one simple trick to share today, and that is the create a “safe word” with your teen or child. You and your teenager can come up with a word together. Once a word is decided upon, this can be used in numerous different situations your teen is not comfortable in. For example, let’s say your teenager is at a friend’s house and the friends are doing something that makes your teen feel unsafe or uncomfortable. The teenager can text you their safe word. As a parent or caregiver, we can then call our teen telling them we need to pick them up for whatever reason we make up. This is just one example of how a “safe word” can be used.

Some people may think why not just call your parent and tell them to come get you?. Well, let’s be honest, how many teenagers are going to tell their friends they do not feel safe and want to leave? Not many.

“Safe word” also assists in helping you and your teen communicate. Start by thanking them and praising them for using the safe word (refer back to my Relationship vs. Repair blog), and then talk about what happened, or how to avoid dangers in the future.

This simple technique can also be used for children to ensure their safety. Just like you would with a teenager, you and your child create a safe word together. For this next example, let’s say the safe word you and your child created is bubblegum. Example: Let’s say you are having neighbor Joe pick your child up from daycare because you work late. Joe has to tell your child the safe word, bubblegum, before your child will go with neighbor Joe. Let your child know to never leave with any adults unless the adult knows to say the word bubblegum. Make sense? Now, our job as parents is be sure to tell neighbor Joe the safe word prior to picking up our child 🙂

Simple, but effective!

Safety is important. Do not feel ridiculous for wanting to double, or triple check, that your teen/child is safe. You are entitled to those feelings as a parent, and it is important that we know our children are safe.

-keep shining

Relationship before Repair

July 1, 2015 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Relationship before Repair

This concept is SO important when forming and continuing relationships- positive and long lasting relationships. But let me tell you, it’s not easy. So what does this mean exactly?

Relationship before Repair means to focus on your relationship and connections with someone before repairing a problem or issue, or correcting someone due to a mistake that was made.

Here is a helpful example:

Let’s say you have a teenager. Let’s say this lovely, polite teenager decides not to come home for their curfew. When would a teenager do such a thing?! I can hardly imagine it 🙂

So, your child is not home and does not answer your calls. You’re worried, stressed, frantic, upset, disappointed. And in the midst of all your understandable flight of emotions, your lovely, polite teen comes through the door 2 hours after curfew.

What do you do?

I can tell you in that moment I would have a few choice words to say and send them straight to their room while I decided their fate! However, is this method really helpful in that moment? What will that teach your teen?

This is where we remember Relationship before Repair.

How much more memorable and meaningful would it be to focus on your relationship in that terrifying yet frustrating moment? When your teen comes through the door, wouldn’t it be better to first hug them and tell them how happy you are that they are safe and at home? To tell them how much you love them and how worried you were. And thanking them for coming home.

What would that tell a child? What does that teach them?

Imagine how much this concept can help your relationship with teens, with children, with coworkers, with significant others….

Think about what’s really important in these situations, and where the focus needs to be in these intense moments. Because honestly, amidst all your anger and frustration is relief. Relief that your child is home and is safe. In that moment, that should be our focus.

Now I’m not saying we don’t discuss the issue with that teenager, and I’m not saying we do not ground them. Consequences for actions are necessary at times and issues need to be addressed, but there is no sense of making consequences if there is no connection or relationship established. I can assure you most teens will not listen if they do not have a positive connection with you, and most people will be on the defense regardless of whether or not they are at fault.

People want to feel loved even in their worst moments. It is times like this, when people know they mess up or know they are wrong, that they need you the most. This is where you can prove to them that you are there for them for the long haul. This is where you prove that your relationship with them matters. So much can be defined from these moments, and the response you will get from people may shock you. Now I am not saying it always works and that teen will never be late again, but they will remember what you said and how you handled the situation, and that is what matters.

We say a lot when we are mad, it’s human. And some of what we say in our moments of anger later comes back to haunt us. Sometimes we are so angry we don’t even remember saying what we say. Relationship before Repair keeps us in check and reminds us what is truly important in the heat of the moment. It reminds us that we need to focus on the love we have for one another and let our love help define and strengthen our relationships.

-keep shining

People vs. Behavior

May 12, 2015 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Never be mad at the person, but instead mad at their behavior.

Really think about that….This is something I literally remind myself every day, and I can tell you it has changed my life both personally and professionally.

Behaviors do not have to form people. Behaviors are things that people do- sometimes unnecessary, or inappropriate. But do not let the behavior interfere with the relationship you have with that person. Do not let the behavior interfere with the way you feel about that person, because behaviors and people are two different things.

Ever say or do something really embarrassing or rude, and wish you didn’t because people will think of you differently? Of course you have, and so have I. That is where this little trick comes into play. Make sense?

Remember that friend who blew you off for lunch the other day? That doesn’t define them as a person. You do not know what led to that behavior, and you know that person is your friend. But their behavior confused you, inconvenienced you, and honestly just pissed you off. However, their behavior and the emotions you feel twirling around because of that behavior do not have to reflect on who they truly are. People behave poorly, it happens. Not everyone can be as perfect as you are 😉

Find out what led to their behavior. Find out why they inconvenienced you or hurt your feelings, because with communication comes clarification.

To gain this kind of mindset is not easy. As I said earlier, I remind myself of this every day when I am hurt or upset by others. It will truly make a difference in how you perceive people, how you treat them, and your relationship with them. You can be the bigger person, I know you can!

The next time you’re hurt or upset by someone- ask yourself why. Is it because of who they are as a person, or because of their behavior?

-keep shining

Category: Relationships (Page 2 of 2)

Relationships with a Capital R

Safe Word

Relationship before Repair

People vs. Behavior

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