SECRETS OF A SOCIAL WORKER

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Tag: relationships (Page 3 of 4)

Tips to Communicating Effectively

February 16, 2016 / / 0 Comments

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This week, I want to provide four quick and easy skills for interacting with others. These four simple skills will make a world of difference in the conversations and arguments you will have, and I am excited to share them with you!
There are times in our interactions with others where we get upset, defensive, argumentative, and frustrated. Unfortunately, it’s going to happen to the best of us. However, there are ways to better interact and be aware of how we are communicating to help keep the conversation at a civil, calm level of discussion and reasoning. It’s inevitable that we are going to argue with our family, our spouse, our best friend, our boss….But how can we do it in a way where we will be heard, and more able to hear what others are saying to us? I know for myself I find it difficult to be willing to listen when I am in a defensive state of mind. All I am thinking about is what I want to say next rather than trying to listen to what is being said. This is really counterproductive in any type of relationship.
Try these four skills:

  1. Use ‘I feel’ statements. ‘I feel’ statements is a skill used to calmly tell someone what we are thinking in a way that includes our feelings, which in turn helps the other person understand where we are at emotionally, and why we may be reacting a certain way.
    For example, let’s say in a conversation with your significant other they raise their voice before saying, “Ugh, you’re pissing me off and you’re not listening to a word I am saying!”. How would this make you feel? I can feel my blood boiling just thinking about it! How would this not be helpful, and how would you respond? You may say something impulsive and hurtful which leads to more arguing and hurt feelings on both sides. Also, this does not resolve anything.
    Now, how much easier would it be for you to respond if your significant other instead said “I feel hurt and frustrated when you do not appear to be listening to me when you are on your phone.”? A touchy topic can be more calmly discussed and resolved if approached by using “I feel ____ when you _______ ” statements.
    Think of a time you were interacting with someone which turned into an argument, and you felt really defensive. Why were you feeling defensive in that moment? What was said to you that upset you? Also think of a time that you really upset someone else during a conversation which turned into an argument. Why were they upset with you? Could using an ‘I feel’ statement have assisted in the situation?
  2. Do not name call, and do not raise your voice. Sounds easy enough, right? But we all know this is easier said than done sometimes. All I can say here is try really hard to focus on the way we speak to others. So much greatness can be accomplished if we focus on resolving an issue rather than adding fuel to the fire. Some thoughts are better left unsaid, and keeping a calm demeanor is respectful and will be well received. Plus, we really don’t want to hurt the ones we care about which is exactly what we are doing by name calling and getting loud. Remind yourself that you are on the same team as that person, and want the same end goal. You would not be spending time having this conversation or argument if you did not feel value in continuing a relationship with that person.
  3. Do not use statements with the words ‘always’ and ‘never’. Another situation which will cause us to get really defensive really fast. ‘Always’ and ‘never’ should not be used in conversations or arguments because, simply, it is not true.
    It’s okay to get upset at your husband for rarely taking out the trash. But, approaching him with saying “you never take out the trash!” will trigger him to think of all the times he has taken out the trash and think you do not notice. ‘Always’ and ‘never’ are bold words, and hearing them can be really discouraging. Try avoiding ‘always’ and ‘never’, and add in an ‘I feel’ statement to ensure the conversation goes smoothly.
  4. Agree to disagree. At the end of the day, sometimes it is okay to accept that we are not on the same page, and it may stay that way. We all know that people do not always agree on everything, and everyone’s perspectives are different. It is okay to hear each other out and learn from one another while understanding that you are not going to change each other’s minds. To be able to ‘agree to disagree’ is a skill, and is not always easy to do.
    Listening is huge when it comes to ‘agreeing to disagree’. We must listen to and try to understand others’ perspectives even when we disagree. It takes discipline and patience to listen when we do not want to. However, in doing so it helps us to become more open-minded individuals. Being open-minded is helpful in our work and our relationships with people, and helps in our understanding for people and their life choices, beliefs, and circumstances.  And who wouldn’t want to be a more understanding and open-minded individual?!

If you just communicate, you can get by. But if you communicate skillfully, you will work miracles. 
-keep shining

 

You Know You’re A Social Worker When…

December 1, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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  • You often hear people say “I do not know how you do your job”.
  • You do not hesitate to discuss child abuse during supper time.
  • You spend more than half your days doing paperwork.
  • Daily you use the words ‘assessment’, ‘appropriate’, and ‘intervention’.
  • You have to explain  over and over again that social workers do not just take kids from their home.
  • You have had more than 1 job to pay the bills.
  • You often use the statement “so what I hear you saying is…”
  • You know the latest jargon for drugs, how to get them, and their cost.
  • You rarely work with men.
  • You know many social workers who change career paths.
  • Staying at a job for 2 years is a long time.
  • Your phone number may be unlisted for legitimate reasons.
  • Having lunch uninterrupted is practically a miracle.
  • The term ‘budget cut’ is familiar to you.
  • You cannot imagine working with numbers.
  • You have had clients that like you a little too much.
  • You’ve been cursed at and/or threatened on many occasions and it doesn’t scare you.
  • Your job orientation includes self defense.
  • You have the most interesting stories to tell your friends.
  • Your parents do not know half of what you have dealt with at work each day.
  • You know all the excuses clients use for a failed drug test.
  • You are familiar with the term ‘positive reinforcement’.
  • You are on edge and busiest around the holidays because of the increase in client behaviors.
  • You focus on relationships in every aspect of your life.
  • You are on high alert when you hear parents yelling at their kids in the grocery store.
  • You can’t imagine leaving your career because of the rewards that come with helping others.
  • You love what you do because of the relationships you form with people.
  • You are more self aware and have become a better person.
  • You have formed many great memories and know that what you do makes a difference in people’s lives.

 

 

Safe Word

July 10, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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As a parent /care giver, we know teenagers can be difficult, that is no secret or surprise. We worry about teenagers and the decisions they make. It is stressful!
As a teenager, life is challenging. You’re trying to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and what choices you want to make in life. And at times, you make choices based on what your friends want and not necessarily what feels right to you.

I am sure everyone has a few situations they look back on with some regret, or knowing it was wrong. However, because our peers did it or pressured us into doing it we felt obligated. It was the “cool” thing to do, so of course we wanted to fit in!
So, how can we help? As caregivers and parents, what are some tips/tricks we can utilize to ensure our teens and children stay safe? There seems to be nothing that works at times as teens will want to be independent, and of course think we are the worst people on the face of the earth! Teenagers do know everything and have every answer, as you know 😉

I just have one simple trick to share today, and that is the create a “safe word” with your teen or child. You and your teenager can come up with a word together. Once a word is decided upon, this can be used in numerous different situations your teen is not comfortable in. For example, let’s say your teenager is at a friend’s house and the friends are doing something that makes your teen feel unsafe or uncomfortable. The teenager can text you their safe word. As a parent or caregiver, we can then call our teen telling them we need to pick them up for whatever reason we make up. This is just one example of how a “safe word” can be used.

Some people may think why not just call your parent and tell them to come get you?. Well, let’s be honest, how many teenagers are going to tell their friends they do not feel safe and want to leave? Not many.

“Safe word” also assists in helping you and your teen communicate. Start by thanking them and praising them for using the safe word (refer back to my Relationship vs. Repair blog), and then talk about what happened, or how to avoid dangers in the future.

This simple technique can also be used for children to ensure their safety. Just like you would with a teenager, you and your child create a safe word together. For this next example, let’s say the safe word you and your child created is bubblegum.  Example: Let’s say you are having neighbor Joe pick your child up from daycare because you work late. Joe has to tell your child the safe word, bubblegum, before your child will go with neighbor Joe. Let your child know to never leave with any adults unless the adult knows to say the word bubblegum. Make sense? Now, our  job as parents is be sure to tell neighbor Joe the safe word prior to picking up our child 🙂

Simple, but effective!

Safety is important. Do not feel ridiculous for wanting to double, or triple check, that your teen/child is safe. You are entitled to those feelings as a parent, and it is important that we know our children are safe.

-keep shining

Relationship before Repair

July 1, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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Relationship before Repair

This concept is SO important when forming and continuing relationships- positive and long lasting relationships. But let me tell you, it’s not easy. So what does this mean exactly?

Relationship before Repair means to focus on your relationship and connections with someone before repairing a problem or issue, or correcting someone due to a mistake that was made.

Here is a helpful example:

Let’s say you have a teenager. Let’s say this lovely, polite teenager decides not to come home for their curfew. When would a teenager do such a thing?! I can hardly imagine it 🙂

So, your child is not home and does not answer your calls. You’re worried, stressed, frantic, upset, disappointed. And in the midst of all your understandable flight of emotions, your lovely, polite teen comes through the door 2 hours after curfew.

What do you do?

I can tell you in that moment I would have a few choice words to say and send them straight to their room while I decided their fate! However, is this method really helpful in that moment? What will that teach your teen?

This is where we remember Relationship before Repair.

How much more memorable and meaningful would it be to focus on your relationship in that terrifying yet frustrating moment? When your teen comes through the door, wouldn’t it be better to first hug them and tell them how happy you are that they are safe and at home? To tell them how much you love them and how worried you were. And thanking them for coming home.

What would that tell a child? What does that teach them?

Imagine how much this concept can help your relationship with teens, with children, with coworkers, with significant others….

Think about what’s really important in these situations, and where the focus needs to be in these intense moments. Because honestly, amidst all your anger and frustration is relief. Relief that your child is home and is safe. In that moment, that should be our focus.

Now I’m not saying we don’t discuss the issue with that teenager, and I’m not saying we do not ground them. Consequences for actions are necessary at times and issues need to be addressed, but there is no sense of making consequences if there is no connection or relationship established. I can assure you most teens will not listen if they do not have a positive connection with you, and most people will be on the defense regardless of whether or not they are at fault.

People want to feel loved even in their worst moments. It is times like this, when people know they mess up or know they are wrong, that they need you the most. This is where you can prove to them that you are there for them for the long haul. This is where you prove that your relationship with them matters. So much can be defined from these moments, and the response you will get from people may shock you. Now I am not saying it always works and that teen will never be late again, but they will remember what you said and how you handled the situation, and that is what matters.

We say a lot when we are mad, it’s human. And some of what we say in our moments of anger later comes back to haunt us. Sometimes we are so angry we don’t even remember saying what we say. Relationship before Repair keeps us in check and reminds us what is truly important in the heat of the moment. It reminds us that we need to focus on the love we have for one another and let our love help define and strengthen our relationships.

-keep shining

Inspiration is Motivation

May 26, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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I want to share with you something I have been guilty of in the past, and something which may be beneficial to you in your relationships with those you care about.

Have you ever tried really hard to listen and be there for a friend when they are in a time of need? How nice of you! Friends like you are hard to come by- the ones who listen, can be trusted, and give their advice.

Have you ever told a friend,” I know exactly what you’re going through” to help ease the pain and help them to feel supported? I bet you have , and so have I…Many times. However, something I have learned through social work is to never say those words.

Why you ask?… Because it’s not true!!!!

Here’s an example- Let’s say both of us were dumped by our significant other, Johnny, unexpectedly. How great that we can be there for one another. However, we truly do not know what each other is going through. For starters, we process emotions and situations differently. I, for instance, like to stay in denial and distract myself from thinking about it (stupid, I know). But you may not be able to stop talking about it to the point of exhausting all of your friendships; people do not want to hear again that Johnny wrote on Sarah’s Facebook wall and you don’t know what to do about it! For the tenth time….Nothing, there is nothing you can do.

This one aspect alone makes a huge difference in what we are going through.

Also, what happened in the situation is different. Johnny did not dump you and I the same way or for the same reason. So saying “I know exactly what you’re going through” really isn’t the case. Telling someone “I am so sorry for what you are going through, it must make you feel ________” (fill in the blank) is much more comforting and supportive.

This whole concept may not seem like a big deal, and often times it isn’t. However, in my line of work the way you word things is crucial to your relationships with clients. Sometimes I only get one chance, if that, to connect with people. And yes, sometimes by saying something that minuscule can be a deal breaker. Talk about pressure, huh?!

Think about how many times the people I may work with have felt rejected, unheard, not understood in numerous situations they’ve been in. Constantly! Sometimes it’s more important just to listen and be there for them, not provide our words of encouragement, as sometimes that isn’t what they want. Ask the people you work with or are supporting what it is they want from you. Early on, they may deny wanting the help or truly don’t know what they want from you yet. That’s okay! Just be there. Sometimes being consistently in someone’s life and able to listen to them is enough. We don’t always need to think of something to say to make it all better- that doesn’t always work. It is up to that person to make changes to better themselves, and by you being there to help and support them is a bonus!

What helps me in these situations is to think about the word inspire. I want to help inspire that person, not solve their problem for them. The word inspire is really powerful. It means to encourage someone to a greater effort, to use enthusiasm in your interactions with others, and to be creative. To inspire someone is to help awaken a feeling in someone, and help them to become more insightful and aware of their own emotions and their own possibilities. People want to be inspired, some of them just don’t know it yet 🙂 And that is what you’re there for!

How can you inspire others?

-keeping shining

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