SECRETS OF A SOCIAL WORKER

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Safe Word

July 10, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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As a parent /care giver, we know teenagers can be difficult, that is no secret or surprise. We worry about teenagers and the decisions they make. It is stressful!
As a teenager, life is challenging. You’re trying to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and what choices you want to make in life. And at times, you make choices based on what your friends want and not necessarily what feels right to you.

I am sure everyone has a few situations they look back on with some regret, or knowing it was wrong. However, because our peers did it or pressured us into doing it we felt obligated. It was the “cool” thing to do, so of course we wanted to fit in!
So, how can we help? As caregivers and parents, what are some tips/tricks we can utilize to ensure our teens and children stay safe? There seems to be nothing that works at times as teens will want to be independent, and of course think we are the worst people on the face of the earth! Teenagers do know everything and have every answer, as you know 😉

I just have one simple trick to share today, and that is the create a “safe word” with your teen or child. You and your teenager can come up with a word together. Once a word is decided upon, this can be used in numerous different situations your teen is not comfortable in. For example, let’s say your teenager is at a friend’s house and the friends are doing something that makes your teen feel unsafe or uncomfortable. The teenager can text you their safe word. As a parent or caregiver, we can then call our teen telling them we need to pick them up for whatever reason we make up. This is just one example of how a “safe word” can be used.

Some people may think why not just call your parent and tell them to come get you?. Well, let’s be honest, how many teenagers are going to tell their friends they do not feel safe and want to leave? Not many.

“Safe word” also assists in helping you and your teen communicate. Start by thanking them and praising them for using the safe word (refer back to my Relationship vs. Repair blog), and then talk about what happened, or how to avoid dangers in the future.

This simple technique can also be used for children to ensure their safety. Just like you would with a teenager, you and your child create a safe word together. For this next example, let’s say the safe word you and your child created is bubblegum.  Example: Let’s say you are having neighbor Joe pick your child up from daycare because you work late. Joe has to tell your child the safe word, bubblegum, before your child will go with neighbor Joe. Let your child know to never leave with any adults unless the adult knows to say the word bubblegum. Make sense? Now, our  job as parents is be sure to tell neighbor Joe the safe word prior to picking up our child 🙂

Simple, but effective!

Safety is important. Do not feel ridiculous for wanting to double, or triple check, that your teen/child is safe. You are entitled to those feelings as a parent, and it is important that we know our children are safe.

-keep shining

Relationship before Repair

July 1, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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Relationship before Repair

This concept is SO important when forming and continuing relationships- positive and long lasting relationships. But let me tell you, it’s not easy. So what does this mean exactly?

Relationship before Repair means to focus on your relationship and connections with someone before repairing a problem or issue, or correcting someone due to a mistake that was made.

Here is a helpful example:

Let’s say you have a teenager. Let’s say this lovely, polite teenager decides not to come home for their curfew. When would a teenager do such a thing?! I can hardly imagine it 🙂

So, your child is not home and does not answer your calls. You’re worried, stressed, frantic, upset, disappointed. And in the midst of all your understandable flight of emotions, your lovely, polite teen comes through the door 2 hours after curfew.

What do you do?

I can tell you in that moment I would have a few choice words to say and send them straight to their room while I decided their fate! However, is this method really helpful in that moment? What will that teach your teen?

This is where we remember Relationship before Repair.

How much more memorable and meaningful would it be to focus on your relationship in that terrifying yet frustrating moment? When your teen comes through the door, wouldn’t it be better to first hug them and tell them how happy you are that they are safe and at home? To tell them how much you love them and how worried you were. And thanking them for coming home.

What would that tell a child? What does that teach them?

Imagine how much this concept can help your relationship with teens, with children, with coworkers, with significant others….

Think about what’s really important in these situations, and where the focus needs to be in these intense moments. Because honestly, amidst all your anger and frustration is relief. Relief that your child is home and is safe. In that moment, that should be our focus.

Now I’m not saying we don’t discuss the issue with that teenager, and I’m not saying we do not ground them. Consequences for actions are necessary at times and issues need to be addressed, but there is no sense of making consequences if there is no connection or relationship established. I can assure you most teens will not listen if they do not have a positive connection with you, and most people will be on the defense regardless of whether or not they are at fault.

People want to feel loved even in their worst moments. It is times like this, when people know they mess up or know they are wrong, that they need you the most. This is where you can prove to them that you are there for them for the long haul. This is where you prove that your relationship with them matters. So much can be defined from these moments, and the response you will get from people may shock you. Now I am not saying it always works and that teen will never be late again, but they will remember what you said and how you handled the situation, and that is what matters.

We say a lot when we are mad, it’s human. And some of what we say in our moments of anger later comes back to haunt us. Sometimes we are so angry we don’t even remember saying what we say. Relationship before Repair keeps us in check and reminds us what is truly important in the heat of the moment. It reminds us that we need to focus on the love we have for one another and let our love help define and strengthen our relationships.

-keep shining

What I Have Learned About Addiction….

June 15, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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One area of work I particularly have a lot of interest in and have learned a lot about is addiction. There are a lot of opinions out there on addiction, and I would like to share mine based on my experiences with addicts.

  • Addiction can be genetic, and this can come out in many different ways. The disease of addiction, as a whole, can be genetic. For example- let’s say my father is an alcoholic, that is his addiction. I am susceptible to any kind of addiction, not just alcoholism. So I may not drink alcohol but I am more opt to be addicted to porn, shopping, gambling, etc… Interesting, isn’t it?! Keep in mind, though, that there are many circumstances where an individual’s addiction does not stem from their genetics, but from the environment they are in.
  • Some addicts replace one addiction with another. Let’s say an alcoholic is trying to keep their mind off of walking down the block to their favorite bar. They may try doing something else to keep their mind off of it- like online shopping. So yes it’s great that they are not drinking, as that is super challenging itself, however, a new addiction then takes over. This is common with smoking. I have seen a lot of alcoholics be successful in discontinuing their habit, but start smoking cigarettes to help ease the stress they are feeling.
  • Praise addicts for their sobriety! Whether it’s 1 day or 10 years that is something to be proud of! Any amount of time sober is difficult and deserves to be recognized. Don’t get upset with yourself or someone you know who stays sober for 2 weeks and then “slips”. Two weeks is a step in the right direction. Be proud.
  • Recovering addicts must focus on themselves, which to us may appear to be, well, selfish. In my opinion, recovering addicts are recovering for their whole life. Personally, I do not believe people are no longer addicts even if they are sober 20 years. Addiction is a disease of the brain and recovering addicts need to be conscious of their decisions to not trigger themself to want to break their sobriety. In recovery, people need to really focus on what triggers them(certain people, places, smells, etc) . You may have a friend with an addiction who no longer wants to hang out, or often takes charge of what your plans are. They are not trying to be rude or bossy. It’s because their recovery must come first. Their life cannot be fulfilled if they are using, so making the decisions themselves and focusing on their own needs is the best way for them to ensure they are not going to use.
  • Addiction is a disease of the brain. This is not a choice, people! Chronic addicts are working around the clock to get that next high. They are constantly thinking about how to get their next fix because the disease tells their brain and body they need it. That’s exhausting work, 24 hours a day. What addict would want to choose their addiction over their family? They wouldn’t. They have a disease and need help. Let me tell you that it is heartbreaking watching addicts go down a path where they are more opt to loose their job or family, and other valuable things. If addicts could function without their brains telling them they need something, they would rarely choose to lose the things that mean the most to them.
  • Chronic addicts often lie, a lot. Lying and addiction go hand-in-hand. When I have worked with addicts in the past, they typically would say their family knew if they were using again because they started again with the lies. Addicts will typically want to hide their using, so lying becomes the only way they know how to communicate. It almost acts as a second addiction, and is very hard to break. Addicts want to protect themselves from the consequences of their actions. Lying may assist is helping addicts feel in control because they have manipulated others into believing them. Typically, lies also are ways in which addicts stay in denial. A lot of times they are trying to convince themselves more than they are trying to convince us.
  • Withdrawals are extremely painful and exhausting. Take the worst flu you’ve ever had a times that by 100, seriously. It’s unimaginable . And speaking of withdrawals, the only drug you can die from strictly through the withdrawal process is alcohol which makes quitting cold turkey really difficult and potentially dangerous. This is not to be confused with an overdose as most drugs can cause death with an overdose.
  • People never believe me when I tell them you can experience withdrawals from weed, but it’s true. Or how about caffeine? I bet if you tried stopping caffeine for a week your head would hurt constantly during the weaning process! Caffeine and weed do cause withdrawals and you are able to become addicted. Yes, weed is an addictive drug. Sorry to all you “green” folks out there- it’s true. Your mind and body crave the stuff just like any other drug. I have worked with numerous individuals who needed rehab for weed and it is a difficult, long process for them.
  • One thing I always recommend for addicts or family members of addicts is to take things slowly. Even thinking about a full day- taking things 24 hours at a time- may feel impossible to an addict. That can be overwhelming and scary. Sometimes, addicts need to take one minute at a time and just focus on each minute specifically. That is okay! Help them in the process. If they are making steps to change that is a huge step in the right direction. Help guide them in that direction and be a positive support. They need encouragement and love, and will appreciate it! Patience is key in this step.
  • Behind addiction is typically a lot of hurt. Many addicts start using for a reason, sometimes not even knowing why until they dig a little deeper into their past. Some addicts use their addiction as a self-medication technique. Whether they want to forget about something that happened, avoid a situation, avoid their feelings, etc. Drugs and alcohol, and other forms of addiction, can be a great self-medicator and it quickly becomes an addiction before one may even realize it.

So there you have it- things I have learned through working with addicts. Be kind, be patient. You cannot change an addict, they must want the change themselves. You cannot work harder than they do in their recovery, which is difficult for a lot of close family members and friends to accept.  When they come to the realization that they want to be sober it can be life changing, and they will need your support. Be the support they need.

-keep shining

“Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk”

June 1, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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It is okay to feel the way you feel. Sounds easy, right?! How often do we try to mask our feelings and emotions, or sweep them under the rug? And then how often does it come back to haunt us? For example, when you’re in an argument with someone and then “word vomit” takes over- you say everything that’s bothered you over the last 6 months, including the time your significant other left the refrigerator door open. Yikes! Rough, huh? Or when you hold in your feelings for so long that the smallest things set you off, like starting to cry because you dropped your full milk jug all over the kitchen floor (not that I’ve ever done this before…).
Why does this happen?! It’s because we bottle up everything and think we forget about it, but we don’t. The good news? ITS OKAY! You are entitled to your feelings and emotions. Don’t hide them, embrace them! Why are you feeling this way? Ask yourself that question, and know that it’s okay. There is a reason you are feeling this way so figure out why. It’s incredible and refreshing how much you’ll learn about yourself. The moment I began utilizing this tip I was so relieved. Not only will you learn about yourself, but you will be more open and accepting of other people’s emotions; you learn to become more insightful. You also learn to tell others that it is okay to feel the way they feel, and trust me, they will appreciate it. It will make others feel more comfortable opening up to you, and it helps them to feel “normal” and safe expressing themselves.
Overall, wouldn’t it be great to learn more about yourself? I have found that there is a certain pattern to my emotions, and certain things that bother me more than they should. Now that I am aware of that, I am able to talk about those emotions, and recognize when they are creeping up on me. I have learned to be honest with myself. Emotions and feelings are our body’s way of telling us something. Appreciate when your body signals that something isn’t feeling right and needs to be addressed. Be honest to and respectful of yourself. Listen to your body. Listen to your mind. After all, they’re the only ones you’ve got!

-keep shining

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