Tag: love (Page 4 of 4)

Relationships with a Capital R

December 2, 2016 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

There are very few things in life that are more important than relationships. That is because relationships are the basis of our lives. They help define who we are, make us whole, and are the most crucial way in which we function as a society. Relationships are how we learn about ourselves and those around us. Without them, we are missing out on a major part of our ongoing development. And, honestly, relationships just make us happy. They reassure us of who we are and motivate us to become better people.

Below are some ‘Relationship Rules’, as I like to call them, that I want to share with you.

<3 Loyalty and Respect are not updates to a relationship, they are a requirement to a relationship
YES! Write this one down, people!
As I am sure most of us do, I often get frustrated with myself when I recall the unfortunate things I put up with in my former relationships- whether boyfriends, friends, coworkers, etc.. However, if it weren’t for those unhealthy happenings in my relationships I would have never learned to speak up for myself the way I do now. I would not nearly be as confident in or as happy with the person I am today if it weren’t for a lot of what I experienced in my former relationships. We can all look back and find things we learned from those who we allowed to treat us poorly, no matter how unfortunate or icky those memories may be. But, that is why Loyalty and Respect are a must in every relationship you encounter and find value in. These two traits are invaluable and will get you very far in life. I cannot express enough on the importance of Loyalty and Respect. If you have these two things in your relationships, you are on a happy and healthy track. And if we are loyal and respectful, others will gravitate towards us and be much more likely to display the same in return.

<3 Far too many people are looking for the right person instead of being the right person
On our wedding day, my husband and I had a reading in our ceremony that we fell in love with. The last line of it states, “it is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner”. I will never forget that line. It is a good reminder to let our guards down in order to love those around us, and look in the mirror rather than point fingers. We all want so badly to be understood, but we forget to be understanding. Being the right person helps to hold ourselves accountable in our relationships. We can only expect from our partner what we are providing in return. It is equal give and take that makes the world go ’round!

<3 Tell people how you feel
Feelings are gooooooood! And men, even better when you can express your feelings confidently (aka- it is okay to cry!). We are all entitled to our own feelings, express them! It feels so good to not build everything up inside. Your feelings matter and may make a huge difference in your or someone else’s life if you learn to express them. It is so good to practice being honest with ourselves and others. We feel a certain way for a reason, own it. Be open to exploring why you feel a certain way to help learn more about yourself. The more we understand our reactions, triggers, and emotions, the happier and more knowledgable we become, and the more relief we feel by expressing ourselves. It also helps to understand the emotions and reactions of others around us. Not to mention we will be more satisfied and comfortable in our relationships.

<3 Be prepared for disappointment
My mother always told me that everyone in my life will disappoint me at some time or another, and I have remembered this throughout the years. It helps to prepare me for the moments when people do disappoint me in my life. No matter how close we think we are in some relationships, people will always hurt and disappoint us. And there will be times where we will hurt and disappoint others, too. No one is perfect and people make mistakes. The mistakes that are made is what can be hurtful at times, and it is up to us to decide whether the disappointment is worth mending in that relationship, or moving on with our lives. Some friendships are in our lives for a short time and are not meant to last forever, and that is okay. However, it is also up to us to forgive those who have disappointed us to help us practice humility and acceptance of others.
The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for. Bob Marley

<3 What people think of you is none of your business
Oh how accurate this is! Nothing is more stressful, hurtful, or frustrating than hearing the negative things people have said about us. But honestly, what is the point of caring? You know who you are, that is what matters. Any why put ourselves through the hurt of having to know what people have said about us? Other people’s opinions and statements are not our business, even if they are about us. People are all entitled to their thoughts and opinions. And you know what? There is nothing we can do about that. Let’s all try to focus more on the areas of life we can control rather than worrying about others’ thoughts and opinions, which we will never be able to manipulate.

<3 You don’t need 2 million friends
It seems to me that the older people get, the more they value having just a few really close friends. Having a ton of friends is exhausting, and it takes a lot of time! Personally, I enjoy having a small friend circle as I can better focus on the relationships that mean the most to me. I can spend more time with those who are equally invested in my friendship as I am in theirs. These are the people that are less apt to hurt us and more able to be trusted. I find so much more value in my friendships as my circle gets smaller, and I am so grateful for that.

And when it comes to relationships, actions speak louder than words, people!

-keep shining

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Tips to Communicating Effectively

February 16, 2016 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

This week, I want to provide four quick and easy skills for interacting with others. These four simple skills will make a world of difference in the conversations and arguments you will have, and I am excited to share them with you!
There are times in our interactions with others where we get upset, defensive, argumentative, and frustrated. Unfortunately, it’s going to happen to the best of us. However, there are ways to better interact and be aware of how we are communicating to help keep the conversation at a civil, calm level of discussion and reasoning. It’s inevitable that we are going to argue with our family, our spouse, our best friend, our boss….But how can we do it in a way where we will be heard, and more able to hear what others are saying to us? I know for myself I find it difficult to be willing to listen when I am in a defensive state of mind. All I am thinking about is what I want to say next rather than trying to listen to what is being said. This is really counterproductive in any type of relationship.
Try these four skills:

Use ‘I feel’ statements. ‘I feel’ statements is a skill used to calmly tell someone what we are thinking in a way that includes our feelings, which in turn helps the other person understand where we are at emotionally, and why we may be reacting a certain way.
For example, let’s say in a conversation with your significant other they raise their voice before saying, “Ugh, you’re pissing me off and you’re not listening to a word I am saying!”. How would this make you feel? I can feel my blood boiling just thinking about it! How would this not be helpful, and how would you respond? You may say something impulsive and hurtful which leads to more arguing and hurt feelings on both sides. Also, this does not resolve anything.
Now, how much easier would it be for you to respond if your significant other instead said “I feel hurt and frustrated when you do not appear to be listening to me when you are on your phone.”? A touchy topic can be more calmly discussed and resolved if approached by using “I feel ____ when you _______ ” statements.
Think of a time you were interacting with someone which turned into an argument, and you felt really defensive. Why were you feeling defensive in that moment? What was said to you that upset you? Also think of a time that you really upset someone else during a conversation which turned into an argument. Why were they upset with you? Could using an ‘I feel’ statement have assisted in the situation?
Do not name call, and do not raise your voice. Sounds easy enough, right? But we all know this is easier said than done sometimes. All I can say here is try really hard to focus on the way we speak to others. So much greatness can be accomplished if we focus on resolving an issue rather than adding fuel to the fire. Some thoughts are better left unsaid, and keeping a calm demeanor is respectful and will be well received. Plus, we really don’t want to hurt the ones we care about which is exactly what we are doing by name calling and getting loud. Remind yourself that you are on the same team as that person, and want the same end goal. You would not be spending time having this conversation or argument if you did not feel value in continuing a relationship with that person.
Do not use statements with the words ‘always’ and ‘never’. Another situation which will cause us to get really defensive really fast. ‘Always’ and ‘never’ should not be used in conversations or arguments because, simply, it is not true.
It’s okay to get upset at your husband for rarely taking out the trash. But, approaching him with saying “you never take out the trash!” will trigger him to think of all the times he has taken out the trash and think you do not notice. ‘Always’ and ‘never’ are bold words, and hearing them can be really discouraging. Try avoiding ‘always’ and ‘never’, and add in an ‘I feel’ statement to ensure the conversation goes smoothly.
Agree to disagree. At the end of the day, sometimes it is okay to accept that we are not on the same page, and it may stay that way. We all know that people do not always agree on everything, and everyone’s perspectives are different. It is okay to hear each other out and learn from one another while understanding that you are not going to change each other’s minds. To be able to ‘agree to disagree’ is a skill, and is not always easy to do.
Listening is huge when it comes to ‘agreeing to disagree’. We must listen to and try to understand others’ perspectives even when we disagree. It takes discipline and patience to listen when we do not want to. However, in doing so it helps us to become more open-minded individuals. Being open-minded is helpful in our work and our relationships with people, and helps in our understanding for people and their life choices, beliefs, and circumstances. And who wouldn’t want to be a more understanding and open-minded individual?!

If you just communicate, you can get by. But if you communicate skillfully, you will work miracles.
-keep shining

Being Selfish Is Not Selfish

December 8, 2015 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

I know that you have heard me say it before, but I want you to know some really good news!!! Are you ready for it? Here it goes….

It is okay to be selfish sometimes.

Isn’t that relieving?! Knowing that you can focus on yourself and your own needs, and not have to feel guilty about it?

For the sake of this blog I like to refer to selfishness as ‘self-interest’ because it has a much more positive tone to it. So, why is it so important to be self-interested? And how can we be self-interested without feeling guilty?

Answer me this…How productive are you when you are exhausted, upset, rushed? How involved and focused are you on your work, family, and other obligations when you are experiencing those symptoms I just listed? How are you able to fully invest in those obligations when you are not fully invested in yourself, first and foremost?

Do this exercise for me real quick: Come up with a list of things you can do for self care, because to be self-interested means you have to take care of yourself. What are some goals you can set for yourself to be sure you’re giving yourself enough ‘me time’, and how will you hold yourself accountable for reaching that goal? For example, one of my self care goals is to get a manicure every 3 weeks 🙂 I schedule my next appointment while I am at the salon so I know for sure that I will continue my self care and not forget about it. Although this act of self-interest costs money, there are many self-interest options that do not cost anything, such as taking a bath, going for a walk, calling someone you’re close to, listening to music, etc.

Each day ask yourself two things: 1. What would be the most loving action I could take for myself today? 2. What would be fun for me today?
Put these questions in your phone as an alarm, or write yourself a sticky note and place it somewhere you will see it each and every day.

Self-interest helps to clear our minds and feel rejuvenated. It helps me focus on myself, and what I need to do for me in order to focus on my other obligations. We need that ‘breath of fresh air’ sometimes, that break, that moment of selfishness to feel ready to take on the next challenge that comes our way. I know for a fact that I am much more empathetic, patient, and happy helping others at work every day when I also remember to help myself.

Sometimes I feel guilty when I focus on myself, and I think that is pretty normal. But, by reminding myself that I am a better me when I am happy and give myself some time to breathe, I feel so much better about every other aspect in my life. You are helping others more-so by spending some time focusing on you as well. With a fresh mind, you can better help and be there for others. It is all about balance and giving yourself permission to love yourself.

I think society puts a lot of pressure on us to do for others, be helpful, focus on people’s needs and how we can better this world. Yes, all of these things are true and important, but we are forgetting to include ourselves in there! We cannot better the lives of others if we are not bettering ourselves. We are a society focused on external reward and praise for our actions. Those are great things, but they can be even greater if we remember to give ourselves a break sometimes.
Self interest = self respect.
Type ‘self-interest quotes’ into your search engine and view images to see all the negative ideas of self-interest that pop up. This is unfortunately a good example of why we are made to believe that being self-interested is frowned upon, and that is truly a misconception!

It is not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary.

Have I persuaded you yet?

-keep shining

Life’s Too Short

October 8, 2015 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

It’s true…. Life is WAY to short to be unhappy. Our days here truly are limited, so it’s really important that we make the most of it. We really do exhaust ourselves without even realizing it a lot of the time. From work loads that seem to follow us home, children and their busy schedules, laundry (my personal favorite), oh the list goes on and on!

During my travels to other countries, I have learned that we in the U.S. are really materialistic, hard working people. We work, a lot. We work hard, and we are constantly on the go. We spend hours upon hours working to afford that gorgeous $300,000 home, but never spend any time in that new home because we are always working! Ironic, isn’t it?

I remember hearing this question once and it has really stuck with me. I believe it went something like this… “The day when you are on your death bed, who do you want beside you? Your job, or your family and friends?” For me, this was really powerful. Where do you want to spend a lot of your time? Consumed by your work, or being happy spending time with those you love? Which one of those options will be there for you in your final days?

Now I am not saying work is not important. I love my job, and we need to work to meet our needs. But, to be happy means to find balance.

Where do we find balance? Where can we find some peace and happiness, and learn to do things for ourselves once in a while?

You’ve got to learn to make time to be happy! Do what you love, and love spending time with yourself. It’s so important to spend time by yourself and get to know the person you are. It is so important to love yourself before giving ourselves to everyone else. It is okay to be selfish sometimes!

Have you ever been asked the question what are the things you love most in your life? And how many times on our long list of things we love do we mention ourselves? Probably never! We need to love ourselves in order to be happy. And in order to be happy we need to take breaks from every day monotony to enjoy what we love. Make a list of things you want to make more time for, whether it’s watching a movie once a week or going on a trip. But, remember to put yourself at the top of that list and remember to spend time getting to know who you are.

What are things in your life (besides your charming self, of course!) that you love? What are things you wish you had more time for because they make you happy?

Make time for those things, and make time for yourself. Life is too short not to enjoy it.

‘It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness.’

-keep shining

I Am A Mother…But I Have No Children.

May 10, 2015 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

A special shout out to all moms today on this WONDERFUL holiday. Where would we be without all the fabulous mothers in this world? Thank YOU, moms, for all that you do. Please know that you are appreciated every single day.

Happy Mother’s Day!

I am a Mother…But I have no Children.

The word “mom”…What does it mean to you?

What does it mean specifically to a child?

“Mom” took on a whole new meaning for me once I began working more closely with children. I am not a mother, but have a wonderful one who I would argue is the best mom out there (I might be a little biased).

I have had the opportunity to work with some wonderful children in my career. And to my surprise, some of them call me “mom” early on working with them. I cannot tell you how rewarding, yet heartbreaking, yet disturbing it is to hear those words from children who I feel are still practically strangers to me. There were even times children have referred to me as “mom” in front of their biological mother- that will always take the cake for most awkward moment ever!

Since having the privilege to work more closely with children over the past 2 years, I have come to understand the word “mom” as this; someone who is consistently in your life, and who will be there when they say they will. Mothers care about you, they show you how it feels to be loved. They teach you right from wrong. They take you to appointments to ensure you’re healthy. They sing with you and play games.

I am not these children’s mother, but I do for them all the things the typical “mom” would do.

How fantastic is it that children who may have been neglected or lost a parent during any time of their lives still feel they have a mother? Because to a child, a mother does not have to just be the person who births you. Their innocent little brains don’t even understand that concept yet. To a child, mothers are simply the nurturing people in your lives that teach you about love. And it’s great that I can do that for them. (Not to take away from the importance of any biological mothers- they will always be the women who brought these wonderful children into this world).

Spending time with these children has given them the experience that every child should get to have; simply being loved.

So we can all be mothers to somebody, even if we biologically do not have any children. I have become a mother in my career, and even for how intimidating that may be at times it is SO rewarding. I have learned about what kind of mother I will be some day, and that having a mother is something every child deserves.

*For the sake of the holiday and my blog I have used the term “mom”, although this description of a mom pertains just as equally to any dads out there as well. We love you, dads, we didn’t forget about you!

Tag: love (Page 4 of 4)

Relationships with a Capital R

Life’s Too Short

I Am A Mother…But I Have No Children.

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