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Tag: love life (Page 7 of 11)

Secrets of a Social Worker

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Having to constantly remind yourself that you have done your best
Even though that suicidal client made you second guess
Blaming you for their problems and the reason they will die
But then the next day they stop by your office just to say hi
Trying to convince that client that she has many strengths
But she tells you the tan line from her watch is the best she can name
Then opening up Facebook and seeing that she’s passed
Depression got the best of her and was the reason she’s laid to rest

It’s the letters and calls of the clients who you never thought cared
Telling you you’re the best thing that’s happened to them and the reason they’re still here

Having to stay strong when sitting across from the person talking about their rape
That they’ve been trafficked for years but people call her a whore and point the blame
She is crying to you saying she had no other way
Because her parents weren’t there and she had nowhere to stay
But that charming man offered her a bed and some love and affection
Then she wakes up to realize she was assaulted and he gave her an infection

It’s the little boys you just met who call you mom
So you break down afterwards debating if you can adopt

The four-year-old girl who says she hates cops
and you try to convince her they are safe and that’s part of their job
But to her they were evil as they constantly came to her home
Because her mother used drugs and sold dope
So now she shutters under the blankets each time someone comes to the door
She screams bloody murder and immediately hits the floor
No amount of therapy or comfort makes it stop
She will never feel safe and will forever hate cops

It’s the cutter you found on the floor covered in her own blood
Then calling her dad who says he won’t pick her up
he’s burnt out and he’s done
Trying to convince her life is worth it
But she’s been beaten down too many times and told she’s worthless
Then leaving that day with a trauma-filled brain
But it’s your birthday that night so you fake a smile and choke down your cake

The hyper-vigilance constantly haunting you
Looking around wondering who plans to buy a 14 year old girl to bring back to their hotel room

Being scared to walk alone in the parking lot at night
Knowing that you upset a client who may have a knife

Having to kick that guy out of treatment for his failed urine test
Even though you know he needs you more than the rest
But you have to follow rules as that is what’s ‘best’
but that night you are restless
He won’t ever know how much you cared
and that you really wanted to be there

The dreadful news that another one has died
Lost their precious life to suicide
And asking yourself what you could have done to change their mind

It’s watching foster children suffer through night terrors and missing their mom
You advocate and fight but can’t send them home
So you hug them tight and hope they make it
To not be the majority who drop out of school and never feel like they fit

The boy who tells his mom to fuck off in group therapy
that he hates her and she doesn’t amount to anything
She breaks down because she can’t take the pain
And you’re supposed to know the right thing to say

People reminding you to practice self care
But what does that even mean
When you break down in tears and wake up from those awful dreams
No amount of bubble baths, gym sessions, or journaling will make that better than it seems

But through the turmoil and struggle
You can’t help but be thankful
For the lives you have ‘saved’ and the people who know you care
For the ones that make you smile and realize life isn’t fair

That’s why we help one another
And pick each other up
Because fairness doesn’t exist but through love we know we have done enough

Knowing that you have given some lives just a little glimmer of hope
Becoming so resilient and being able to cope

Sometimes it’s hard but it’s worth it when you meet that little girl
Who reminds you that you’ve been helpful and made a huge difference in her world

That is why we do it each and every day
We smile through the tears and tell ourselves that we will be okay
To be strong and empathetic because they have it worse than you
With patience and acceptance, you make a difference
through and through

 

-keep shining

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The Gift Of Giving…To Yourself.

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I’ll be honest, the this time of year is really difficult for me. Along with all the parts I look forward to around the holidays such as gift-giving, parties, paid time off, traditions with family, and Christmas treats also comes a caseload of clients that doubles in size overnight. Every year I tell myself I will be stronger, I tell myself that it will get better, and remind myself that I can’t save the world; I can’t bring the world home with me for Christmas. But, every year I still break down and cry…A lot.
The holidays are usually a time that I reflect on the clients I have had the privilege to work with over the years. I recall their stories, and I remember that many of them do not have the opportunity to receive or give gifts, to go to parties, to take off work, to spend time with family, or to have a warm meal to eat….
I have mourned with kids in psychiatric facilities whose family did not visit them over Christmas. I have been a shoulder to cry on for a man who had no one to spend the holidays with, and was too embarrassed to tell anyone about it. I have tried to find the silver lining for the girl who told me that she has never opened a Christmas gift in her life. And I continuously work with individuals whose behaviors escalate around the holidays due to the trauma they’ve endured, and then watching as those around them lose empathy because they do not understand it.
I can’t keep up with the demands of the job because I cannot make people’s pain disappear, and the holidays alway remind me of that. It’s hard for me to look forward to time with my own family when I spend the days leading up to the holidays in constant crisis mode with my clients who have been sexually assaulted, physically and emotionally abused, and have nowhere to go. I struggle to leave work at work and take a break because I know someone might need me, and I can’t be there for them…This is called secondary trauma, or compassion fatigue, if you will, and it can affect any one of us at any given time. We take on our clients’ problems and stress, we let their stories affect our personal lives,  we develop our own triggers, we become hyper-vigilant, and ultimately we burn out. That’s why people who work in the helping profession often have a high turnover rate…we give too much of ourselves.
I always ask myself whyWhy do I get to look forward to the holidays when it brings so much pain to some people? I get mad that the world isn’t fair and get discouraged because there is nothing I can do to change that. At the end of the day,  I always remind myself that I have done my best, but sometimes telling myself that isn’t enough to make the pain and frustrations dissipate. It isn’t enough to ‘leave it at the door’ when I get home because I am still empathizing with those less fortunate than myself. If I only had a nickel for every time someone asked me how I take care of myself with such an intense job, I think I’d have enough money to buy every client plenty of gifts to go around! That being said, the way I get by each holiday and stay sane is to take care of myself and keep my compassion fatigue in check. Regardless of your field of world and how stressful or enjoyable your job may be, we all need to take care of ourselves and be sure we put ourselves first sometimes.
Here are some quick and easy ways I do that:

1. Check In…. I check in with myself every day; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I tune into how tense I am, what is causing me stress and/or joy, how tired I am, what I am thinking about, etc… Just check in and take a pause. Know where you are at and be mindful of yourself, first and foremost. This can take no more than 5 minutes, but it ensures that each day you don’t forget about yourself and become mindful of how you feel. This helps me approach each day more thoughtfully and think about myself throughout the day, which is easy for me to forget to do.
Click here for another perspective on checking in.

2. Be Kind… Not only to others, but to yourself. Be easy on yourself. Know that you are working hard. We get ridiculed enough in this society as it is, the least you can do is be nice to yourself and give yourself a compliment now and again. You  can always find something positive to say about yourself, and make it a daily habit. It’s easier to be kind on the outside when we are first kind on the inside. And I find myself more kind to others when I am first kind to myself. By being more kind to myself, I have actually found that mean/rude people don’t bother me as much; I am nice to people even when they aren’t nice to me. And sometimes that is just what they need because clearly they’re having a worse day than I am.

3. Focus on what is in your control… As you could have guessed, I can’t bring all of my past and current clients home with me for the holidays. Clearly, that is out of my control. I need to remind myself of the actions I have taken to try and produce the best outcome, but the outcome itself isn’t something I can predict. The holidays may bring extra frustrations or unpredictability, but it does no good to be upset over something I cannot do anything about.
When things arise that cause anxiety and frustration, just check in and ask yourself what about that situation you’re able to change, do it, and leave the rest behind.

4. Take Breaks… Let me spell it out for you, PTO…P-A-I-D   T-I-M-E   O-F-F. I know it’s hard to imagine, but the world will still revolve in your absence. People will get by if you’re not there. You earned time off, take it. We all need breaks. If we don’t take breaks we are burning ourselves out and that only affects the people around us, and the clients we are trying to serve. We cannot be our best selves in the work place if we are not taking breaks. Life is more than just working all the time. Try to rid yourself of the guilt because if you aren’t your best self for you, you sure as heck can’t be for anyone else. Breaks help give us some clarity and relief. Enjoy that vacation in Hawaii!

5. Cry… I hate crying. I hate it. And I do not do if often, so when I do I know that it’s needed. And every time I break down I feel better. We have emotions, people! We always get mad and embarrassed with ourselves for feeling the way we feel rather than just accepting it and letting it flow. You can’t control your emotions, but you can control how you react to them.
We have to get our feelings out and be honest with ourselves. Not only does it feel better and help us come to terms with things, but it brings a sense of relief. And it ensures you that you won’t go and unexpectedly word vomit your emotions onto someone else.
Click here to read another one of my blogs on this topic.

6. Decide what self care means to you…. In my trainings, when I ask people what self care means to them, often they say things like taking a bath, going on vacation, getting their nails done, going hunting, etc.. But self care is SO much more than that. Really ask yourself what self care means to you, it’s more than just this surface-level stuff. Dig deeper, there’s always more we can be doing for ourselves to ensure our happiness and health is where it needs to be. My self care absolutely includes vacations, getting my nails done, playing basketball, etc.. But it also includes all of the helpful tips above plus many more.
One of my favorite self care exercises is what I simply refer to as happy thoughts. Sometimes it is easy to let negativity sink in without even recognizing it. It’s these times when we don’t give ourselves enough credit and say something hurtful about our character or our physical appearance. So, when that happens I practice what it referred to as ‘thought stopping’ in the social work world, and replace those icky thoughts with one of my handy dandy happy thoughts I keep stored away.

We all have tough days, and we need to be easier on ourselves in order to get through them. A little gratitude, kindness, and self love can go a long way.

If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete ~

-keep shining

For additional holiday blog posts, click here and keep scrolling.

Happy Things Thursday

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1. Random smiles from strangers.

2. Adopting a pet.

3. Coming home to a package on your doorstep you forgot you ordered.

4. The smell of Subway.

5. Finding gift cards you forgot you had stashed away.

6. Dog kisses.

7. Refurbishing old furniture.

8. The tummy tickling feeling in your gut when driving down a steep hill.

9. Good hair days.

10. Getting your rental deposit money back after moving out of a rental property.

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-keep shining

Yes People

Why is it that we want to please others more than ourselves? That we cancel our own plans to take on the extra work shift we are too mentally exhausted to handle. That we agree to help a friend instead of going to that movie we were looking forward to…..I’ll tell you why, it’s because we live in a world full of Yes People, and I can almost guarantee you’re one of them.

Yes People put others before themselves; they live for second place. Yes People believe that in order to have a fulfilled life, they must sacrifice for others and be in a constant state of giving back.
So what if I told you I think this way of life is total b.s.?

Riddle me this: How are we supposed to be helpful to others, sacrifice our own wellbeing, and be in a constant state of giving if we aren’t mentally sound, or emotionally and physically healthy? How are we supposed to live a happy life if we forget to put ourselves first rather than let ourselves go for the betterment of others?
The answer? We can’t. But the unfortunate thing is we do it constantly. We live in a society that puts more meaning and emphasis on always giving to others rather than to ourselves. We live in a time where we feel guilty if we say no, we feel guilty if we take a break, and we feel guilty if we do something nice for ourselves for once. And you know what else? We judge and get upset with those who say no to us rather than being understanding of their busy world and respecting their decision.

Over the past couple months I have made a point to say no every now and again, and after a few practice rounds I can tell you it has been amazing. Not only do I feel happier and more relaxed, but when I do say yes to others I actually mean it. My yes’s have become more genuine, and I have more energy to engage myself in whatever ‘yes’ it is that I am focusing on. I no longer feel guilty when I say no because I know that by saying no to others, I am saying yes to myself, and I value my own self worth. I listen to my body when it tells me to take a break, and by doing so it has made me a better person to those around me. Therefore, by saying no I truly am working on being a better person for those times that I agree and say yes.
Don’t get me wrong, I am still a constant people pleaser whether in regards to my work life or my friends. It is something I continue to work on, and I know a few coworkers who would argue that I still give way too much! But it is all about baby steps, so I would challenge you to start somewhere too. Here is an example….
A few weeks ago I started to play the piano again. It has been years since I have played piano but often times I told myself I wanted to. However, I let work and other obligations that I constantly said yes to to get in the way of doing what I wanted to do, literally for the past few years. So in order to practice saying no, I took time one day to sit down at my keyboard and start playing. I told myself to just give it 20 minutes of my day and take a break from other obligations I prioritized. I ended up spending hours playing the piano that day, and I haven’t stopped since. It was then that I realized that other obligations were not as important as me enjoying myself that day.
Before  that day I would have said I was too busy, that I didn’t have enough time. But now, I miraculously have found time for music again, and it’s because I make the time. I prioritize the time. I value the time…My time. And you know what else? It has made me so happy! Music is a great release for me, it’s a great distraction, and it’s something I am passionate about. I had completely forgotten how it made me feel to play and sing.
We should never give up the things we love. Make time for them by saying no, you Yes Person you!

Last question: How many times have you taken on an extra shift at work, or spent time helping a friend move that it didn’t negatively affect you in some way? Now, I am not saying to never do those things because we all enjoy being good people and helping out now and again. But it is important to remember that by taking on too many of these things, we are not the only one who suffers. Those around us suffer too…..
Typically, we become too exhausted at work to give clients, customers, and patients our upmost respect and attention. Typically, we become so burnt out that spending time doing the things we love fall to the side which affects our mental health and happiness. How can we be providing the best service to those we work with and  be good friends if we are always tired and suffering? We take on extra things trying to be helpful, but with time it actually is a disservice to everybody around us because we are not our best, genuine selves.

So again, I challenge you to take baby steps…. Say no to that extra shift, and say yes to spending that time spoiling yourself.  Even if it’s ten minutes a day, start somewhere. Devote this time to an old hobby, or something new you want to learn or try. Those ten minutes can even be ten minutes of quiet time by yourself. You name it, you can do it when you practice saying no. You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no!

~ No is a complete sentence, it does not require justification or explanation. 

-keeping shining

 

 

Spring Cleaning For Your Brain

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Spring cleaning season has come and gone quickly this year, hasn’t it?  And decluttering our homes each spring feels good. But along with throwing away old clothes and cleaning out our kitchen cupboards, there are other ways in which we can declutter each spring, starting with your brain….

  • Stop thinking too much…  We let our minds get the best of us sometimes. If we want to declutter our brains and simplify our lives, we have to work on living in the now and what feels right. Quit hesitating, quit overanalyzing. We always want to predict the outcome and think through various scenarios, and we need to stop. ..Think less do more. A little impulsivity and spontaneity is what life is all about. Try to start leaving your comfort zone this summer! 
  • Surround yourself with people or that special someone who makes you a better person… Now that you’re done spring cleaning your home, clean out your friend circle this summer, and assess your current relationships. Do the people in your world bring out the best in you? Do they help you see a new perspective? Do they challenge you in positive ways? Whether friends or a significant other, ask yourself these questions. Some relationships are not meant to last forever, and that is okay. Focus on those who focus on you.
  • Quit feeling the need to defend or explain yourself to people… Life will continue to be exhausting if we live for others. Life will not feel worthwhile if we do not focus on our own wants and needs. How often are we scared of our choices or outcomes based on the concern of how we are going to look to others? How often do we stress over how we are going to defend our actions to others? But WHY do we torture ourselves this way? We do not owe anyone an explanation for our lives or our choices.
  • Forgive yourself for yesterday’s mistakes. We are a different person today than we were yesterday; we change a little bit each and every day. We have grown and learned since yesterday and are in a different mindset today. We cannot go through life focusing on what we could have done differently or beating ourselves up about things in the past. We cannot change yesterday’s mistakes or decisions. Today is a fresh start and a new perspective. Each mistake is a lesson learned, and some mistakes bring us down an even better path than we could have predicted for ourselves. 
  • Don’t ever forget that the best things in life are free. Memories, hugs, kisses, love, family, friends, smile, laughter, sleep…All FREE! Do not forget about all the non-materialistic things in life that make life worth living. Declutter your world and focus on the things that don’t take up any extra space. 

Embrace the glorious mess that you are ~
-keep shining

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