Find peace.Find happiness.Find yourself

Tag: awareness (Page 1 of 8)

Observe vs. Absorb

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling emotionally drained, like you’ve taken on someone else’s stress, anger, or sadness? If you’re in a helping profession, a leadership role, or even just a deeply empathetic person, this experience is probably all too familiar.

Recently, my therapist shared a concept with me that hit home in a big way: Observe vs. Absorb. As someone who has always carried the weight of others’ emotions, taken on guilt that isn’t mine, and felt responsible for everyone else’s happiness—often at the expense of my own—this idea challenged the way I show up for others and, more importantly, for myself.

At its core, this concept is about how we engage with the emotions of those around us. Instead of absorbing their feelings—internalizing their stress, frustration, or sadness—we can observe them. When we absorb, we make their emotions our own, often leading to defensiveness, burnout, or misplaced guilt. But when we observe, we create space to understand, validate, and respond with clarity rather than reaction.

And as my therapist put it, “You don’t take in ANYTHING that belongs to someone else, and no matter how big and bad their storm is raging- you just hold fast as a safe space.”

Why We Absorb

For many of us, absorbing emotions is an automatic response. We might do it because we care deeply and want to help. Some of us feel responsible for fixing things. We may have been raised in environments where emotions were contagious. And sometimes, we struggle with boundaries—where defining where we end and others begin is a real challenge.

Picture yourself as a sponge. At first, we take on small amounts of “water” (other people’s stress, sadness, or frustration). Over time, we get heavier and heavier, holding onto “water” (emotions) that was never ours to carry. Eventually, we become so heavy and saturated that we start to spill over—whether in the form of exhaustion, resentment, or emotional burnout. Instead, we want to see ourselves as an anchor – We hold space for everyone to have their own feelings. We can hold the boat and help strategize their problem.

Choosing to Observe

Observing doesn’t mean we stop caring. It means we witness someone’s emotions without making them our own. It allows us to recognize and acknowledge emotions without being consumed by them. It helps us to stay present without reacting with defensiveness. When we observe, we can respond with empathy rather than absorption, support rather than self-sacrifice.

How to Shift from Absorbing to Observing

  • Pause and Name It – When you feel yourself absorbing someone’s emotions, pause and acknowledge it: I see they’re upset. I don’t have to take that on.
  • Stay Grounded – Take a deep breath. Plant your feet on the floor. Remind yourself that their emotions belong to them, not you.
    (I wrote another blog around this concept here.)
  • Validate Without Owning – You can acknowledge someone’s emotions without taking them in: “I hear that you’re frustrated. That sounds really tough.” This shows understanding without internalizing their feelings.
  • Ask, Don’t Assume – Instead of mirroring their emotions, ask what they need: “How can I support you?” This shifts the focus from reaction to intention and helps the other person clarify what they truly need.
  • Set an Emotional Boundary – Imagine a protective shield around you. Visualize emotions passing by you instead of through you. This practice helps me stay grounded and creates an invisible barrier, giving me the awareness to respond intentionally rather than react emotionally.

The Freedom in Observing

When we practice observe vs. absorb, we free ourselves from emotional exhaustion. We maintain compassion without becoming overwhelmed. And most importantly, we show up in a way that is healthier for both ourselves and the people we care about.

Viktor Frankl once said,
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

This space is where observation lives. Instead of instantly reacting—absorbing someone’s frustration, sadness, or anger—we can pause. We can recognize that their emotions are theirs, not ours. And in doing so, we gain the freedom to choose how we engage, how we support, and how we protect our own peace.

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”

-keep shining
Find me: FacebookInstagramPinterestLinkedIn

Rewrite The Plot

I was scrolling down the inevitable black hole of TikTok the other day when I heard something that stopped me in my tracks:

“If you were the main character in a movie about your life and there was an audience watching the movie, what would the audience be screaming at you to do?”

Oof. Gut punch. Because let’s be honest—most of us would be yelling something, or perhaps many things…It could be something gentle, like “Dude, put down your phone and be present.” Or maybe other, louder things, like “STOP PRIORITIZING PEOPLE WHO DO NOT PRIORITIZE YOU” or, “QUIT THAT JOB AND BE HAPPY!”

And let’s not even start on those horror movie moments, when you know what’s coming, and you’re practically begging the character, “Don’t go in there!” But they always do. Every. Single. Time.

I sat with it for a minute; if my life was playing out on screen, what would I be yelling at myself?

I’d probably be gripping the armrest and thinking, “Please don’t say yes to that thing you don’t have time for.” I’d be whispering to my friend next to me in the theatre, “Why doesn’t she stand up for herself?!” I’d be going mad when they (AKA, me) hesitate on something they know deep down they want, yelling, “Just freaking do it already!”

And here’s the thing—if we can see it so clearly from the outside, why is it so hard to change from the inside?

Maybe it’s because we’re too close to our own stories. We excuse our own patterns because they feel familiar. And we forget that, unlike a movie, we actually can rewrite the next scene.

So, here’s my challenge for you (and for me):

1. Figure out what you’d be yelling.

What’s the one thing (or things) you wish your past self would have done differently? What’s the pattern that keeps playing on repeat? What’s the decision that—if this were a movie—you’d be watching, shaking your head, already knowing how it ends?

As you reflect, resist the urge to beat yourself up… Regret is a trap—one filled with shame, guilt, and endless bargaining that leads nowhere but frustration. I have never believed in the idea of regret because there’s no point in dwelling on what’s already happened, but there is value in looking back with clarity. Not to ruminate, but to recognize. Not to stay stuck, but to step forward with a new perspective.
“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”

2. Decide if you want the movie to take a plot twist.

If you keep watching yourself make the same choices, ending up in the same situations, it’s worth asking—do you want the story to stay the same, or is it time for a shift? Patterns don’t break on their own, and nothing changes until you decide to change it.

This isn’t about flipping your life upside down overnight, but about recognizing that you’re not stuck in a predetermined storyline. You get to decide whether this remains a cycle of missed opportunities and frustration or becomes the turning point where things finally shift. This does not have to be the cautionary tale you thought it was—maybe this is the part where everything starts to change, or at least some parts.

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

Here’s the thing about change and taking risks: the unknown will always feel uncomfortable, but staying in the same loop just because it’s familiar isn’t safe—it’s just stagnant. Those of you who read my blogs regularly know how much I encourage this. Instead of wondering what could be, what if you actually experienced it? Take a moment to journal about the decisions you’ve been avoiding or the ones you make begrudgingly; talk it out with someone you trust and visualize what the sequel to your life’s movie would look like if you finally went for the plot twist…

What would happen if you bet on yourself?

3. Start acting like the main character you’re rooting for.

The one who sets boundaries, chooses joy, and stops giving second chances to things that don’t deserve them. The one who stops letting fear hold them back. The one who finally realizes that their worth was never in question and who has the confidence they always envied in others. It’s your movie, so you get to decide.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

At the end of the day, no one wants to watch a movie where the character stays stuck. The best ones are where they finally get it. Where they make the move, take the risk, say the thing, and step into something better… Doesn’t that feel good?

And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be the character who makes it to the happy ending than the one who has people throwing popcorn at the screen, yelling, “Come on. You know better!”

So, what’s your movie moment? What’s the thing you know you’d yell at yourself? Maybe today’s the day you finally listen and take the first step.

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.”

-keep shining
Find me: FacebookInstagramPinterestLinkedIn

Authenticity

Accurate – Reliable – Genuine – Aware
These words describe authenticity, which is the true definition of being who we are. By being ourselves, we gain so much. And when we can focus on what we gain from being authentic, we can finally stop focusing on what we risk losing. (Hint: nothing.)

With today’s societal norms and expectations, we miss out on getting to know ourselves. Social media, expectations, and how we judge ourselves hinder us from getting to know who we are and being proud of it. By being authentic to who we are, we are more realistic, we stand up for what we believe in, we accept ourselves and others, we are thoughtful, and we feel free to express our emotions. Authentic people know what motivates them and are open to learning from mistakes. Doesn’t that sound nice? To simply release the need to look to others for approval because we do not need it. We do not have to be confused about who we truly are or want to be. We do not hide from expressing ourselves and we don’t judge others as much. Authenticity is total alignment with our values, beliefs, and psychological needs.

So why is this so scary?

Authenticity comes with self-discipline; we have to create a sense of balance and be open to self-reflection. It is to identify all aspects of ourselves and align with those things. But we fear judgment from others and honest conversations with ourselves because we live in a society where perfection and “fitting in” outweigh realism. We do not feel safe, whether in our own bodies or around others. We are overwhelmed with self-doubt and self-consciousness because authenticity can be a daunting and intimidating task…What happens if my values and beliefs go against the grain? Who will support me, who will laugh at me? Furthermore, we may have been conditioned to repress our true selves, whether we grew up in an abusive or unsafe home, a judgmental environment, or remain in a place where our emotions are unacceptable.

What can we do about it?

When you are yourself, others are better able to find you…If you pretend to be someone else, people can’t see you for who you are.” (Speak by Tunde Oyeneyin)

For me, mindfulness plays a huge role: Being mindful about how certain topics and conversations make me feel, being mindful of my own words and actions and understanding where they come from. I also try to be mindful of who/what I surround myself with, and why. I pay attention to how I feel in circumstances where I speak my truth, and I pay attention to the actions of people who I spend my time with – Do I align with them? “When you speak your mind, it’s like waving a flag people can see from a distance. Some will see it and say, ‘No, thanks, that’s not for me’, but I guarantee you the people in the back of the line, those people will see it and know to come.” Speak by Tunde Oyeneyin)

I also encourage people to explore their shame. After many years in social work, I find that shame is the most dangerous of emotions. I have an entire post dedicated to this topic and you can read it here.
Discovering where your shame comes from and releasing it can drastically increase your sense of self. Remove what no longer serves you – shame will absolutely torture you but has no purpose. Once you can release what is holding you back, you will be at peace and find it easier to be authentic.

Define what authenticity is for you. Or think of someone you find authentic and ponder what it is about them that you admire. What would help you feel more authentic, and how can you practice those behaviors? Discovering these behaviors may help you make decisions you have been avoiding for a while or finding the confidence to take the next step. Authenticity comes down to the awareness of your realness. All of your thoughts, behaviors, actions and inactions are already authentic to who you are as a person. It really just boils down to expression, honesty and awareness, whether with yourself or those around you.
(Psychology Today has several great articles on authenticity if you want to explore this topic further.)

Discover what you value and get involved. Whether you value leadership, independence, giving back, or things that you care about such as nature or art, find ways to act on them.

Lastly, reflect on decisions before you finalize them. Understand why you chose to make a decision (or not) and how it conflicts or coincides with your belief system. Acknowledging any fear or excitement behind decisions help us align closer with our sense of self.

And remember…you were born to be real, not to be perfect.

-keep shining

Find me:
Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn

Words.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves, starting in grade school. In fact, I would argue that words are the most powerful weapon we have access to, and we carry it with us at all times.
Words can be the fixer of all things and can also be the reason someone can’t seem to make it through life. Our words matter, they have meaning, they are impactful, and it is our responsibility to use them wisely.

I recently heard a speech given by Mohammed Qahtani where he stated, “Words have power. Words are power. Words could be your power. You can change a life, inspire a nation, make this world a beautiful place. Isn’t that what we all wanted? Your mouth can spit venom, or it can mend a broken soul.”

I rewatched that speech numerous times, reflecting on moments in my life where words truly changed my trajectory…Times when words broke me down, but also the times when words impacted me so greatly that they are a major reason for my happiness.

There is one memory that I immediately thought of when listening to Mohammed’s speech that changed my perspective on words, kindness, and how the two together can literally change someone’s life.
Several years ago, I would guess about 2018, I met with someone interested in the anti-human trafficking movement who requested a meeting with me. Let’s call her, Jane Doe (I know, I lose points in creativity here, but just stick with me!). When Jane and I met, I immediately recognized her from about 20 years earlier in middle school. When we introduced ourselves and sat down, I said to her, “hey, aren’t you Jane Doe?!” She looked at me, shocked and a little embarrassed/uncomfortable and responded with, “yeah, but how do you know me and know my last name? I haven’t used that last name in a very long time.” I explained to her that I knew her from middle school prior to her moving. She told me she was surprised I remembered her, and she went on to explain she felt unlikeable and that no one really saw her. She then talked about a basketball game she saw me at after she had moved…”Hey, are you the Melissa who looked at me, smiled and waved, and said Hi Jane at that basketball game?”…
After we reminisced on that moment from 20 years prior, we went on to talk about why she moved away and changed her last name, and some of the trauma in her life at that time.

The point of this short story is not to give myself a pat-on-the-back or any kudos. It’s to show the power of words, literally one word…hi. HI. Just simply acknowledging someone with one word made them feel seen, likeable, and a moment worth remembering. We talked about how that moment impacted her, which shocked me, because it did not feel like I did much.
She remembered that moment. We both remembered that moment. It was 20 years ago, and she remembered me, a middle schooler, just smiling and using the word hi. During that time in her life, she felt invisible, unimportant, and abused. She did not have friends or a healthy support system, and simply having someone display kindness towards her with a simple “hi” made such an impact on her life that 20 years later she still randomly remembered some girl named Melissa showing her kindness at a basketball game.

Our meeting, which was supposed to be about anti-trafficking work, impacted the both of us in ways we did not expect, and we were purposefully brought together again. It will always stick with me. We do not always get to know what impact our words have on people and I was grateful for the opportunity to see her again.

Long story short, do not underestimate the power of words. Not only do they convey meaning and purpose, but they are how we express ourselves to others and how we find connection. Each one of us can reflect on many times in which words hurt us, changed our lives, or made us the happiest we could have ever been. It’s important to remember those experiences and understand that it is each of our responsibilities to choose words wisely. Simply saying to someone you love them, are proud of them, care about them, believe in them, or see their potential can change their lives. And apparently, so can simply just smiling and saying hi.

Don’t ever diminish the power of words. Words move hearts, and hearts move limbs. ~

-keep shining

Find me:
Instagram, FacebookTwitterPinterest, LinkedIn

Running on Empty

Have you ever been afraid of stopping because you don’t know if you’ll ever be able to get back up?
Yeah, me too. It’s called distraction, anxiety, fear, avoidance, whatever it is that you are scared to face if you just stop…To stop means to rest, and when we rest we are flooded with the thoughts and responsibilities that we put on the back burner. And once we recognize the thoughts and responsibilities we avoid, we then know we have to either do something about them or let it eat up space in our brains. The busyness allows us to excuse the need to make changes. And conversely, because we are constantly on the go, there is a fear that we may enjoy the stopping and are unsure how to pick back up again once we allow ourselves to come down from all the chaos. We fear enjoying the breather, because what happens when we have to pick back up again and be who everyone expects us to? It can feel terrifying to allow ourselves to be relaxed and happy when we think it is temporary.
COVID has exacerbated this process as it has forced us to stop, which I think is part of the reason we are seeing an increase in people’s deterioration of mental health, and/or breakthroughs and realizations.  COVID has forced us to pause parts of our lives and face the reality of why we kept running on empty for so long…

We have to start seeing our reality for what it is. There is no magic wand that will make what is not working start miraculously working. When we constantly run, we think we are outrunning our reality when we are really just avoiding and prolonging the inevitable. The inevitable may be coming to terms with fears of being alone, or starting over, not yet finding our purpose, knowing we need to stand up for ourselves, or not being happy with our current situation. The inevitable may also be needing to leave a job or a relationship, telling someone no, hurting someone’s feelings, making a decision that impacts others…The list goes on and on.

Recognize and appreciate hopelessness. I know this sounds silly, but once we are honest with ourselves and realize something is hopeless, we start to make changes because we know we have to. We can start becoming the person we know we are and strive to be…Once we release what is hopeless, we can put our focus on what is important now. Do not miss out on current potential because you’re avoiding change and holding onto what is hopeless.

Find balance. This is hard to do. People like to talk about self care as some fluffy term for drinking wine and taking baths. In reality, self care is discipline and coming to terms with your own sh*t. It is creating a work/life balance, and putting your needs first sometimes. It is having honest conversations with yourself, spending time alone with your thoughts, and then dealing with whatever it is you find.
You have to enjoy your life and the fluffy things, but you also need to hold yourself accountable, set boundaries, and take care of your body. Do not underestimate the power of proper exercise, diet, water intake, and sleep.
One exercise I recommend is “what is on your plate”. Draw a big circle and inside of it write down everything that is currently on your plate. On the outside of the plate, write down all of the things you want on your plate that you do not make time for. Then try to figure out how to rearrange it all…What are things you can take off your plate whether letting them go or delegating to someone else? What can you replace those things with that you want on your plate, such as more alone time, going to the gym, picking up a hobby, or focusing on an important relationship you’ve neglected? Just see what little things you can start to incorporate while simultaneously removing some of those hopeless responsibilities or random tasks that someone else can take on.

There are a lot of answers held within our bodies. Aches and pains and constant problem areas are usually telling us to pay attention to our somatic symptoms, as our emotional state directly correlates with our bodies. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, and body aches/pains and sensations are all connected; they all have influence over each other. The self care piece of this is to take time to do a body scan, discover and pay attention to problem areas, and then work through them. For example, lately I have had several headaches and stomach cramps. I know this is directly related to feeling frustrated and stressed, as I have come to realize that I clench my jaw when I am overwhelmed with things that frustrate me and cause me to feel stuck. Clenching my jaw gives me a headache which is my indicator that I am overwhelmed and distracted with intrusive thoughts. These thoughts give me stomach cramps because they make me anxious.
Moral of the story; do not ignore your body and simply accept the aches/pains, because it is truly trying to tell you something. Also, pay attention to when your body feels relieved and relaxed, and incorporate more of what causes those positive sensations into your life.

Communication with someone you trust is key. There is nothing more revitalizing than staying connected to others. Tell people how you feel, and use your support system when you need it. When we run on empty, typically the relationships we want the most suffer because we prioritize work and life stressors over them, thus becoming additionally stressed because we know we are neglecting those people. Do not let yourself lose those that mean the most to you because you prioritize the things that overwhelm you. Even if all you have time for that day is a phone call while driving to/from the gym or for five minutes before bed, find time for the people who make you feel good.
Also be sure you are choosing positive connections for communication. If we reach out to someone who is typically negative or toxic, this will not help uplift us when we are overwhelmed. Find people who are a positive impact on you, hold you accountable, are trustworthy, and support your life.

Silence is eye opening. I have said it before and I will say it again, add more silence to your life! We use noise as a filler to further distract ourselves when running on empty. Drive to/from work in silence, turn off the tv when you aren’t watching it, don’t listen to music when you shower…add in small bits of silence every day. This is when we can start to come to terms with what is draining us, what we are avoiding, what we are missing out on, and what it is we want for our lives. This is also where we get to know ourselves, and ensure we are checking in to put our happiness and goals at the forefront of our decisions. And doesn’t that sound nice?

“Every human has four endowments – self awareness, conscience, independent will, and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom…The power to chose, to respond, to change.” 

-keep shining

Find me:
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest

« Older posts