Tag: balance (Page 1 of 2)

Boundaries or Brick Walls?

June 6, 2025 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

We love a good boundary—especially because we know how hard they are to set in the first place. Boundaries are growth. Boundaries are healing. But if we’re being really honest… sometimes what we call a “boundary” is just a nicely worded way of saying, “No thanks, I don’t trust people anymore.” Or, “I’ve been burned too many times to let anyone in.” A wall with polite grammar is still a wall. Statements like these sound wise, maybe even empowered, but deep down it’s not always about peace—it’s about protection.

And while it might start as a survival strategy, it can quietly become a pattern of isolation we forget how to undo. We stop letting people get close—not because we’ve healed, but because we’re still afraid. We call it a boundary, but really, it’s a brick wall we’ve learned to live behind. We tell ourselves we are “protecting our energy”, but is that really the case?

This doesn’t just show up in our personal lives—it happens at work, too. Maybe you’ve been talked over in meetings one too many times, or trusted the wrong person with the right idea, and now your “boundary” is silence. Maybe you’ve been carrying more than your share for far too long and burnout has crept in—so now, pulling back feels like the only option. You start declining invites, turning off your camera, or keeping things surface-level. And frankly, you’re exhausted.

And that’s where boundaries get tricky: the intention might be care and self-preservation, but the impact can be disconnection.

✦ Wall or Boundary?

On the surface, they can look the same. But there’s a difference in the why behind them.

A boundary is rooted in self-awareness, communication, and a desire for healthy connection.
A brick wall is built from fear, past wounds, and a need for control or self-protection at all costs.

One brings peace. The other brings isolation.

✦ Why We Build Walls (and When That’s Okay)

All walls aren’t inherently bad; they can be necessary and warranted. Walls protect you during times where we are just trying to survive out here.

When you’ve seen too much, been overworked, dismissed, manipulated, gaslit, or walked all over, a wall can be a lifeline. It’s a “Do Not Disturb” sign when your nervous system is fried, personally or professionally.

But here’s the thing: walls are meant to be temporary and situational, rather than a full-on brick wall that is applied to all aspects of life. What protects you during survival mode can start to isolate you in healing mode. And that’s when you need to pause and check in:

Is this still serving me?
What is the actual purpose?
Does this wall prevent harm – or connection?
Is it keeping me from being successful, present, or fully seen?

✦ Brick Walls in Disguise

Typically, walls sound like:

“I just tend to shut down when I am overwhelmed.”
“I cut people out at times. It’s a me thing, not you.”
“I just cut people off when they act up. No time for nonsense.”
“I’m busy. Always. Perpetually busy.”
“People always leave, so I don’t get close anymore.”

These may feel empowering and self-respecting in the moment, but often, it is an avoidance strategy. It feels easier and safer. And while boundaries say, “I care about this connection enough to show up honestly within my limits” walls say, “Nope, I’m out.”

✦ So What Is a Boundary, Really?

A boundary says:

“I value this relationship enough to be clear about what I need.”
“Here’s how I can stay regulated and connected to myself while still being in relationship with you.”
“I’m not punishing you—I’m protecting my peace and letting you know how to be part of my life in a healthy way.”
“I love and appreciate my work, but I am more effective when I set limits.”

Boundaries require clarity, conversation, and vulnerability.
Walls require nothing—because they don’t allow anyone close enough to listen anyway.

✦ When Brick Walls Turn Into Shame

Sometimes, our brick walls aren’t just about fear. Brick walls can turn into guilt, leading to shame and pushing us further into isolation.
We feel guilt for needing space from our jobs. Guilt for not showing up for those we care about. Guilt for not being “over it” already…
…Shame for not feeling grateful enough, healed enough, “chill” enough. Not feeling ready enough to re-engage; ready enough to work harder.

And so, instead of setting clear boundaries with honesty and compassion, we ghost. We vanish. We overcompensate or shut down. We develop unhealthy coping strategies. We try to protect ourselves, but at the cost of connection and the ability for others to depend on us.

The guilt that comes with setting boundaries is real. I’ve had to unlearn the idea that needing space means I’m letting people down—because loving others and loving my work doesn’t mean I have to be available 24/7.
That’s especially tricky when your profession revolves around caring for others… and you have a deeply ingrained habit of over-functioning and people-pleasing (me!). But I’ve learned that setting healthy boundaries doesn’t make me less committed—it actually helps me stay present instead of disappearing or spiraling.

Still, I check in with myself:
Is this boundary giving me space to breathe… or is it a wall I’ve built to avoid something?

✦ How to Know Which One You’re Building

Ask yourself:

Does this create more peace or just distance?
Am I avoiding a conversation I need to have—with others or myself?
Is this coming from my healed self… or my hurt one?
Am I protecting my peace or avoiding something?
If I could guarantee my safety, would I show up differently? (re-read this one three more times)

Sometimes a wall can feel like a win—because you don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t feel misunderstood, and you create a reason not to show up. But healing doesn’t happen in isolation; you can’t grow when you avoid.

Walls are easier. Boundaries are braver.

Walls say: “I’ve been hurt, and I won’t let that happen again.”
Boundaries say: “I’ve been hurt, and I’m learning how to be safe while staying connected to myself, my job, and others.”

It’s okay to have a season of walls. But don’t forget you deserve to live a life where you can breathe, connect, and trust again.

Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is – and how to knock respectfully. ~

-keep shining
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Treat Yo’ Self

August 9, 2020 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

When is the last time you celebrated yourself?
Told yourself that you’re proud?
Gave yourself a compliment?
Told someone about a recent success of yours?

We are pretty incredible, yet we always find ways to downplay our accomplishments, or find our flaws rather than focus on all we bring to this world.
Why are we embarrassed to celebrate ourselves? We practically despise recognizing our successes, or God forbid, talk about any of our skills or positive attributes. It makes us uncomfortable to put ourselves first when we should be recognizing how bad*ss we are.
You are unique. Your contributions, in whatever form they are, matter. You are worth celebrating. Therefore, treat yo’ self! Do not let yourself fall into the trap of believing that it’s not okay to talk about, celebrate, or recognize yourself. I think one of the biggest mistakes we make and one of the deepest pains we feel is when we deny our own positive attributes and accomplishments because we believe it is for the benefit of everyone else’s comfort. And that is simply not true. We are worth celebrating, and we must take some time to treat ourselves for all that we are.

Here are some ways I try to celebrate myself…

Affirmations
I know, this first one is super ‘social workey’, but it is true and is a hugely underutilized self care technique.
What do you want in your life, what do you desire, how do you want to feel, what do you want to believe to be true, and what do you want to remind yourself of every day? The answers to these questions can be found through daily affirmations. Write down a few goals you have for your life, what you want to see happen, and be specific. Or tell yourself a few things each day that make you feel good, proud, happy, sexy, successful…whatever it is you want to believe and remind yourself. Affirmations can simply be an acknowledgement of all the good that you are, and visualizations for what you’d like to see happen.
If this is challenging for you, just Google ‘affirmations’. There are many websites to help you understand and incorporate this into your every day life.

Give Yourself Permission
To do whatever it is you want. Take a break, say no, put yourself first, skip the gym, change plans…It’s going to be OKAY. Can’t we all just make it socially acceptable to give ourselves permission, and everyone else be understanding of that?! Cut yourself some slack, take a breather, and give yourself permission to look after you. This can also be giving yourself permission to love your body, forgive your mistakes, trust yourself, and let go of anything that no longer serves you.
Recite this sentence right now and see what comes to mind; I give myself permission to _________.
Doesn’t that feel GOOD?!

Allow Yourself To Give AND Receive
Yes, I know, how dare the thought come into my mind to tell you it’s okay to receive. How dare I suggest that we deserve to be complimented, to be given gifts, to be offered help. *GASPS*
Reread this sentence a few times…You are not taking away from anyone else by receiving. We can give and receive equally, and you accepting the giving side of others does not mean you’re selfish. In fact, by being open to receiving you are bettering yourself and those around you because you are more balanced. You must have both in your life to be the best you that you can be. Life will eat you alive if all you do is give to others.
We have all experienced relationships where someone would just take from us. We also have all experienced relationships where someone would refuse to ask for or receive help. These relationships are draining, and frankly annoying. Do not be this person (yes, I am talking to you, KAREN!), and also do not accept relationships that simply take from you. This is an area where you can give yourself permission to remove toxic relationships from your life.
Accept compliments, accept gifts, accept help, accept love. And also give because you enjoy it and it makes you feel good.

Take Opportunities
Guess what? You are worthy of all the opportunities that come your way; take them. You deserve it. Opportunities fall in your lap because they are absolutely meant to. And if you missed one, do not fret, there will always be more if you believe that you deserve them and open yourself up to experiences. By utilizing affirmations and finding balance, I can assure you opportunities will seem to start falling out of the sky. You are worthy of all the good that comes your way.

Celebrate Yourself
Yes, it’s okay to celebrate YOU. Sometimes it can be as little as buying your favorite coffee after you kicked a** at work, or simply because you feel you deserve a little self love and enjoyment of the little things in life…What are things you can do to remind yourself of how awesome you are? How can you celebrate yourself and make it a part of your routine?
This is different for everyone. It can be that coffee treat now and again, it can be to share your awesomeness with someone close to you, it can be to write it down, or it can be to share it widely on social media. The sky is the limit to how you celebrate your life, but always, ALWAYS, make time for this. If you do not acknowledge why you are here, then what is the point of living? You are here for a reason, celebrate that! Shout it from the rooftops if ya want, hunny!

Be Thankful
I know, this sounds obvious, but we overlook it often. If you find all the things going right each day, it brings about more abundance in your life. If you notice all the positivity that surrounds you, you’ll continually start to focus on all the good. Don’t you want to wake up and enjoy each day?
It is easy for us to point out and focus on the few setbacks we experience each day, and we always find something to complain about. If we focused half of that energy on seeing how 99% of our day is actually going well, we would be happier, plain and simple. It can be as little as finding a convenient parking spot, and taking a second to acknowledge how grateful we are. It can be to think about or write down 10 things we are thankful for today, and do this every morning or evening. It can be to smile at the thought of having your health, your family, a stable job, a lake home, an easy day at work, hitting all the green lights on your drive, receiving a compliment, eating a good meal, getting a good grade, receiving a gift…These are things that happen to us every day that we lose an opportunity to celebrate because we overlook. Amidst the chaos and tough times, there is so much to be thankful for!
(If you need some motivation and reminders, check out my Happy Things Thursday posts!)

Find Balance
Work is great because it provides us a sense of purpose and direction, but it is not the most important thing in our lives. If we have tunnel vision only looking towards the value of the dollar and our work ethic, we are missing out on what life is truly about. Our successes should just be a portion of life, as we are not here to work hard and die. It is upsetting to me to watch so many people going through life this way; wanting to work too hard now to play later in life. But what about the fact that we can have both, now and later on? We cannot give work all of our best effort if we do not stop to have fun and take a break once in a while. It is not good for our mental health as this is where we get bitter towards work. Do not let this happen…Not only do you start to burn out from your career, which you worked so hard to achieve, but you start losing interest in everything outside of work too. We start to hoard guilt over not working and being productive 24/7, and then feel anxious anytime we try to relax.
Repeat after me, it’s okay to waste time.
Say whaaa?! Yes, we can do nothing AND benefit from it. It restores us and gives us a brain break. We benefit from checking out from life, because it’s all about balance. Just like we need to give AND receive, we need to work AND play because this is when we can truly be our best selves. We cannot inhale without exhale; we need both to breathe. We cannot get to our destination if we don’t stop AND go; we need both to drive safely.

Life is incredible when we ease up, celebrate who we are, find purpose through our work, be grateful, accept kindness from others, and jump at new opportunities. Oh ya, and watch some Netflix and eat the damn donut…You know, treat yo’self.

When you celebrate yourself, you celebrate life~
-keep shining

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Leave The Driver’s Seat

November 27, 2017 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

All of us want some element of control in our lives. We try to plan out that five-year check list. We try to prepare for each day, every interaction, etc. However, all of us could use a lesson in letting go….We need to let go. We need to trust that things will work out the way they’re meant to, and that by letting go life will bring us to where we are needed most. It doesn’t matter how much we try to plan and control, there is always a chance it won’t work out. Life often has different plans for us than we have for ourselves, and that’s just the way it goes!

~Not being in control isn’t the same as being out of control.

I’ve had a few people in my life tell me that I need to work on letting go of control. I struggled with that for some time, because how do you just let go? How can you just assume things will work out, and not feel the need to have control over the outcome? Then recently I heard the above quote not being in control isn’t the same as being out of control, and it all began to make more sense to me.
Letting go of control means being open to many outcomes. This kind of mindset is healthy and it helps us to stay present; it helps us to worry less because we aren’t so focused on ensuring things work out just the way we planned them to. Being out of control is so much different than that. Being out of control means not having conscious control over our behaviors; to be unruly or wild. These two concepts are polar opposites from one another, yet we combine them to mean the same thing. We combine the concept of letting go of the need to control with the concept of being out of control. We combine a healthy outlook on life to being unruly and ‘out of hand’.
Letting go is to accept the unknown. It means being less stressed and open to new and unexpected possibilities. And how exciting does that sound, if we are open to it?! There is no event or interaction in your life that you can have complete control over. Of course, sometimes this can be stressful and frustrating, but at the end of the day what option do we have? We need to loosen up our expectations as to how we look at the world and our ‘plans’. If we don’t loosen up, we give energy to things that are not in our control, and what a waste of time that is.
Sometimes letting go means that our life feels stagnant, but why do we always need things to be progressing or moving? Progress can be a stand-still. Being stagnant can be growth if we view it through a positive lens, and it can be an important piece of life we don’t want to miss out on. When we are constantly planning out the next thing and ‘controlling’ situations, we miss out on the ease and beauty within those stand-still moments. It’s these times where we have an opportunity to exhale and ‘just be’ for a while. Keep present, as everything happens there; only this moment truly counts. And quit panicking, progress can be stagnant but that doesn’t mean we aren’t moving forward.
There is no magic answer as to how to let go and make this an effortless habit. It is difficult for me every single day. But, remembering these little tidbits of positive reframing around our thoughts regarding control is a great first step. Acceptance is also key here. Accept the uncertainty of each day and the challenges it will bring. The challenges we face each day are what makes us resilient and what makes us better, more patient and appreciative people. Reminding myself of these things has reduced my stress and helped me to be more grateful in each present moment. Taking a step back, breathing, and enjoying life’s curve balls has made me a better friend, sister, daughter, coworker; the list goes on and on!
And just in case you forgot….Not being in control isn’t the same as being out of control.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
-keep shining

Eat The Popsicle That Turns Your Mouth Blue…

July 16, 2017 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Why is it that when we turn into full-time working, tax paying, house cleaning adults we forget to have fun? We take life too seriously and don’t laugh as much as we should. We lose our ability to be spontaneous and we forget the importance and excitement of being immature.
We were all kids once, and for some of us those are the best memories of our lives. We didn’t have an agenda, no ongoing stressors, and life consisted of having fun by using our imagination and acting impulsively. Being a kid consisted of enjoying the little things which made us happy. We were at our most simple and innocent selves.
The good news is we can still incorporate that mindset into our lifestyle as adults. We should never let go of our ‘kid-at-heart’ mentality. We all have a child inside of us that still wants to be carefree, laugh, and act immaturely. There is no reason we need to repress that kid inside, but instead should embrace what that brings out in us.
So how can we remember to play more and work less, you ask? Here are my thoughts…

First and foremost, don’t forget to do the things that brought you joy so many years ago. Whether you walk by a tree and have an impulse to climb it, or you want to eat the popsicle that will turn your mouth blue, paint a picture, or have an urge to dance in public…Do it! Those were the things that made us happy as kids, and we did them without thinking twice about it. As adults, we care too much about what others think of us, and focus too much on what needs to be done versus what we want to do.
Other areas we neglect as we get older is our creativity and imagination…. Creativity is why our world is so advanced, so never lose site of your imagination. Imagination is what helped you morph into the savvy, sophisticated human you are today. Our imagination is what motivated us to be creative, to make things up, to play things out, and to be curious. By using our imagination we learned about what we loved, what we were passionate about, and what we fantasized for our futures. We created so many incredible things by using our imagination; forts, drawings, silly jokes, games, lifestyles, costumes….The list goes on and on!
And in case you don’t recall…we forgot and forgave as kids. I do not ever remember holding a grudge against my sister when she forced me into blue jeans, frilly socks, and bows when all I wanted to wear were cowgirl boots and sweat pants (I screamed bloody murder every.single.time)…We moved on, and remembered the importance of still loving those in our lives who were important to us, even when they made us mad. As kids we did not judge people or talk badly about one another. We loved unconditionally, it was that simple.
And weren’t all of us annoyingly curious as kids? Always asking questions, and always exploring. Think about how much we learned by being curious and asking the “why’s” to everything adults said and did. But now that we are adults, we feel that asking a question makes us irrelevant or is something to be embarrassed about. We feel vulnerable when we ask questions and when we do not know the answers to everything. Asking questions and being curious is how we learned and grew as kiddos, and we cannot let our egos distract us from the importance of that. Nor can we judge one another for not having the answers. There truly is no such things as a stupid question, how would we know otherwise? There is so much truth to the simple saying, you don’t know what you don’t know.

Of course over time we have gained more responsibilities and stressors, but do not forget to be who you truly are. Who you are resides within the kid that lives in your heart; it’s where you came from, your passions, your curiosity, your endless love, your simplicity, your creativity and imagination. Our time is precious, and no day should go without doing something we love and being who we are. Make time to laugh each and every day, be impulsive, and eat that blue popsicle.

Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? ~

-keep shining

Love To Last A Lifetime….

May 24, 2017 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

We learn a lot through relationships and dating, whether about ourselves or what we look for in a partner. I have accumulated different ‘rules’, if you will, to hold true to with love and relationships that I have found super helpful over the years.
Take a peak at these tips, considerations, and things to keep in mind!

Do not hold back. Communicate- even when uneasy or tough. The best way to heal and understand is to get it all out there. To get it off your chest and get the closure you want/need. Don’t torture yourself with the ‘what if’s’ and the unknowns. Be bold, ask questions, and be honest with your feelings.

Don’t pretend the person you’re with is what you really want. Sometimes we settle, sometimes we allow the current relationship to continue even when we know it’s not all that we are looking for. This is a mistake that may last you a lifetime. Be honest with yourself if something is missing in your relationship and decide if it’s worth sticking around for, or worth exploring other options. You deserve a lifetime of happiness, and hurting someone in the process is tough. But sometimes that is the only option we have to ensure we are doing what is best for ourselves. Being selfish is hard, but when it includes our long term happiness we have to think selfishly sometimes.

You can’t convince people to love you. No one will love you bc you want them to; it has to move freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.
Just because someone is head over heals in love with you does not mean they are ready. They can love you in ways that you’ve never felt love, but that does not mean they are ready to be with you. You cannot stick around for this. Whatever their reason, do not ever feel the need to motivate someone to meet you where you’re at. You should never have to convince someone to be ready and work towards love. There is someone else for you that is ready, and the love you find with them will be even more extraordinary than the last.

You can miss someone but still understand that you deserve better. I LOVE this statement, and wish my 19-year-old-self would have known this. You can differentiate between missing someone and wanting to be with someone; there is a difference and we can continue to move forward each day even when we miss someone. Do not let your brain consume you with thoughts of being with someone that does not deserve you. It’s normal to miss people who come and go into our lives, but there is a reason they are no longer present. Remember the good times, but keep on movin’.

Stop rushing. Not only are you looking for a life partner, but also finding a best friend. Take time to really get to know someone and do not focus on the title of a relationship all the time.
Also, the saying ‘you find someone when you least expect it‘ is so true! When we change our focus onto ourselves; our confidence, our own self worth, our identity…that is when relationships happen and that special someone finds us. You need to find yourself before rushing into finding another person to make you happy. Get to know yourself before trying to get to know someone else. S-L-O-W D-O-W-N.

Quit name calling and say sorry when you need to. Fights will be had, frustrations arise, disagreements happen. All of that is normal in relationships. But nothing good comes from name calling, swearing, or yelling. This only escalates the situation, and honestly it’s just disrespectful. Take a step back if you feel things getting too escalated. Otherwise all we are doing is hurting one another and not solving any of our problems. And if we do get to this point, take ownership and apologize. Meaningful apologies go a long ways, and it helps us learn humility in the process.

Stop trying to change people. What is it about your partner that you are trying to change? Is it a significant issue that will continue to affect your relationship? Or is it something you can overlook? News flash: We cannot change people. Do not waste your energy fighting this.
People naturally change within their relationships based on what they learn from their partner and how they grow together. However, there are certain parts of who we are that are unchangeable. Find out if it’s worth sticking around for or if the issue is too big for you to overlook. Sometimes we try to change people and it may work for a certain amount of time, but typically they go back to who they are. Quit fighting over it, stop trying to make someone something they are not, and decide if this relationship is worth your effort.

Quit putting their needs before your own. It’s a team effort. Quit bending over backwards to make things work. Are you putting in the same amount of effort as your partner, or are you a one man team? Are they texting/calling you and initiating dates? Are they making time in their life for you? It’s exhausting to put forth all the effort, and it isn’t fair. Find someone who wants to be a team with you.
Finding a partner is all about team work. Even if you are fighting with your partner the goal is the same, which is to choose each other. So even during rough times or arguments, remember that you’re on the same team and fighting for the same thing; to be together.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. ~

-keep shining

Tag: balance (Page 1 of 2)

Treat Yo’ Self

Leave The Driver’s Seat

Love To Last A Lifetime….

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