Tag: boundaries

Boundaries or Brick Walls?

June 6, 2025 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

We love a good boundary—especially because we know how hard they are to set in the first place. Boundaries are growth. Boundaries are healing. But if we’re being really honest… sometimes what we call a “boundary” is just a nicely worded way of saying, “No thanks, I don’t trust people anymore.” Or, “I’ve been burned too many times to let anyone in.” A wall with polite grammar is still a wall. Statements like these sound wise, maybe even empowered, but deep down it’s not always about peace—it’s about protection.

And while it might start as a survival strategy, it can quietly become a pattern of isolation we forget how to undo. We stop letting people get close—not because we’ve healed, but because we’re still afraid. We call it a boundary, but really, it’s a brick wall we’ve learned to live behind. We tell ourselves we are “protecting our energy”, but is that really the case?

This doesn’t just show up in our personal lives—it happens at work, too. Maybe you’ve been talked over in meetings one too many times, or trusted the wrong person with the right idea, and now your “boundary” is silence. Maybe you’ve been carrying more than your share for far too long and burnout has crept in—so now, pulling back feels like the only option. You start declining invites, turning off your camera, or keeping things surface-level. And frankly, you’re exhausted.

And that’s where boundaries get tricky: the intention might be care and self-preservation, but the impact can be disconnection.

✦ Wall or Boundary?

On the surface, they can look the same. But there’s a difference in the why behind them.

A boundary is rooted in self-awareness, communication, and a desire for healthy connection.
A brick wall is built from fear, past wounds, and a need for control or self-protection at all costs.

One brings peace. The other brings isolation.

✦ Why We Build Walls (and When That’s Okay)

All walls aren’t inherently bad; they can be necessary and warranted. Walls protect you during times where we are just trying to survive out here.

When you’ve seen too much, been overworked, dismissed, manipulated, gaslit, or walked all over, a wall can be a lifeline. It’s a “Do Not Disturb” sign when your nervous system is fried, personally or professionally.

But here’s the thing: walls are meant to be temporary and situational, rather than a full-on brick wall that is applied to all aspects of life. What protects you during survival mode can start to isolate you in healing mode. And that’s when you need to pause and check in:

Is this still serving me?
What is the actual purpose?
Does this wall prevent harm – or connection?
Is it keeping me from being successful, present, or fully seen?

✦ Brick Walls in Disguise

Typically, walls sound like:

“I just tend to shut down when I am overwhelmed.”
“I cut people out at times. It’s a me thing, not you.”
“I just cut people off when they act up. No time for nonsense.”
“I’m busy. Always. Perpetually busy.”
“People always leave, so I don’t get close anymore.”

These may feel empowering and self-respecting in the moment, but often, it is an avoidance strategy. It feels easier and safer. And while boundaries say, “I care about this connection enough to show up honestly within my limits” walls say, “Nope, I’m out.”

✦ So What Is a Boundary, Really?

A boundary says:

“I value this relationship enough to be clear about what I need.”
“Here’s how I can stay regulated and connected to myself while still being in relationship with you.”
“I’m not punishing you—I’m protecting my peace and letting you know how to be part of my life in a healthy way.”
“I love and appreciate my work, but I am more effective when I set limits.”

Boundaries require clarity, conversation, and vulnerability.
Walls require nothing—because they don’t allow anyone close enough to listen anyway.

✦ When Brick Walls Turn Into Shame

Sometimes, our brick walls aren’t just about fear. Brick walls can turn into guilt, leading to shame and pushing us further into isolation.
We feel guilt for needing space from our jobs. Guilt for not showing up for those we care about. Guilt for not being “over it” already…
…Shame for not feeling grateful enough, healed enough, “chill” enough. Not feeling ready enough to re-engage; ready enough to work harder.

And so, instead of setting clear boundaries with honesty and compassion, we ghost. We vanish. We overcompensate or shut down. We develop unhealthy coping strategies. We try to protect ourselves, but at the cost of connection and the ability for others to depend on us.

The guilt that comes with setting boundaries is real. I’ve had to unlearn the idea that needing space means I’m letting people down—because loving others and loving my work doesn’t mean I have to be available 24/7.
That’s especially tricky when your profession revolves around caring for others… and you have a deeply ingrained habit of over-functioning and people-pleasing (me!). But I’ve learned that setting healthy boundaries doesn’t make me less committed—it actually helps me stay present instead of disappearing or spiraling.

Still, I check in with myself:
Is this boundary giving me space to breathe… or is it a wall I’ve built to avoid something?

✦ How to Know Which One You’re Building

Ask yourself:

Does this create more peace or just distance?
Am I avoiding a conversation I need to have—with others or myself?
Is this coming from my healed self… or my hurt one?
Am I protecting my peace or avoiding something?
If I could guarantee my safety, would I show up differently? (re-read this one three more times)

Sometimes a wall can feel like a win—because you don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t feel misunderstood, and you create a reason not to show up. But healing doesn’t happen in isolation; you can’t grow when you avoid.

Walls are easier. Boundaries are braver.

Walls say: “I’ve been hurt, and I won’t let that happen again.”
Boundaries say: “I’ve been hurt, and I’m learning how to be safe while staying connected to myself, my job, and others.”

It’s okay to have a season of walls. But don’t forget you deserve to live a life where you can breathe, connect, and trust again.

Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is – and how to knock respectfully. ~

-keep shining
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Rewrite The Plot

February 23, 2025 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

I was scrolling down the inevitable black hole of TikTok the other day when I heard something that stopped me in my tracks:

“If you were the main character in a movie about your life and there was an audience watching the movie, what would the audience be screaming at you to do?”

Oof. Gut punch. Because let’s be honest—most of us would be yelling something, or perhaps many things…It could be something gentle, like “Dude, put down your phone and be present.” Or maybe other, louder things, like “STOP PRIORITIZING PEOPLE WHO DO NOT PRIORITIZE YOU” or, “QUIT THAT JOB AND BE HAPPY!”

And let’s not even start on those horror movie moments, when you know what’s coming, and you’re practically begging the character, “Don’t go in there!” But they always do. Every. Single. Time.

I sat with it for a minute; if my life was playing out on screen, what would I be yelling at myself?

I’d probably be gripping the armrest and thinking, “Please don’t say yes to that thing you don’t have time for.” I’d be whispering to my friend next to me in the theatre, “Why doesn’t she stand up for herself?!” I’d be going mad when they (AKA, me) hesitate on something they know deep down they want, yelling, “Just freaking do it already!”

And here’s the thing—if we can see it so clearly from the outside, why is it so hard to change from the inside?

Maybe it’s because we’re too close to our own stories. We excuse our own patterns because they feel familiar. And we forget that, unlike a movie, we actually can rewrite the next scene.

So, here’s my challenge for you (and for me):

1. Figure out what you’d be yelling.

What’s the one thing (or things) you wish your past self would have done differently? What’s the pattern that keeps playing on repeat? What’s the decision that—if this were a movie—you’d be watching, shaking your head, already knowing how it ends?

As you reflect, resist the urge to beat yourself up… Regret is a trap—one filled with shame, guilt, and endless bargaining that leads nowhere but frustration. I have never believed in the idea of regret because there’s no point in dwelling on what’s already happened, but there is value in looking back with clarity. Not to ruminate, but to recognize. Not to stay stuck, but to step forward with a new perspective.
“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”

2. Decide if you want the movie to take a plot twist.

If you keep watching yourself make the same choices, ending up in the same situations, it’s worth asking—do you want the story to stay the same, or is it time for a shift? Patterns don’t break on their own, and nothing changes until you decide to change it.

This isn’t about flipping your life upside down overnight, but about recognizing that you’re not stuck in a predetermined storyline. You get to decide whether this remains a cycle of missed opportunities and frustration or becomes the turning point where things finally shift. This does not have to be the cautionary tale you thought it was—maybe this is the part where everything starts to change, or at least some parts.

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

Here’s the thing about change and taking risks: the unknown will always feel uncomfortable, but staying in the same loop just because it’s familiar isn’t safe—it’s just stagnant. Those of you who read my blogs regularly know how much I encourage this. Instead of wondering what could be, what if you actually experienced it? Take a moment to journal about the decisions you’ve been avoiding or the ones you make begrudgingly; talk it out with someone you trust and visualize what the sequel to your life’s movie would look like if you finally went for the plot twist…

What would happen if you bet on yourself?

3. Start acting like the main character you’re rooting for.

The one who sets boundaries, chooses joy, and stops giving second chances to things that don’t deserve them. The one who stops letting fear hold them back. The one who finally realizes that their worth was never in question and who has the confidence they always envied in others. It’s your movie, so you get to decide.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

At the end of the day, no one wants to watch a movie where the character stays stuck. The best ones are where they finally get it. Where they make the move, take the risk, say the thing, and step into something better… Doesn’t that feel good?

And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be the character who makes it to the happy ending than the one who has people throwing popcorn at the screen, yelling, “Come on. You know better!”

So, what’s your movie moment? What’s the thing you know you’d yell at yourself? Maybe today’s the day you finally listen and take the first step.

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.”

-keep shining
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Ten Thoughts for Self-Reflection

July 16, 2023 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

The grass is not always greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it.
The quality of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
“No” is a full sentence.
Overthinking makes you a prisoner, being present sets you free.
We don’t learn by doing, we learn by reflecting upon what we’ve done.
Life is only a reflection of what we allow ourselves to see.
You are the only person you need to be good enough for.
Attract what you expect. Reflect what you desire. Become what you respect. Mirror what you admire.
Once you have learned and accepted all of your flaws, no one can use them against you.
Do something today that your future self will thank you for.

-keep shining

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