We love a good boundary—especially because we know how hard they are to set in the first place. Boundaries are growth. Boundaries are healing. But if we’re being really honest… sometimes what we call a “boundary” is just a nicely worded way of saying, “No thanks, I don’t trust people anymore.” Or, “I’ve been burned too many times to let anyone in.” A wall with polite grammar is still a wall. Statements like these sound wise, maybe even empowered, but deep down it’s not always about peace—it’s about protection.
And while it might start as a survival strategy, it can quietly become a pattern of isolation we forget how to undo. We stop letting people get close—not because we’ve healed, but because we’re still afraid. We call it a boundary, but really, it’s a brick wall we’ve learned to live behind. We tell ourselves we are “protecting our energy”, but is that really the case?
This doesn’t just show up in our personal lives—it happens at work, too. Maybe you’ve been talked over in meetings one too many times, or trusted the wrong person with the right idea, and now your “boundary” is silence. Maybe you’ve been carrying more than your share for far too long and burnout has crept in—so now, pulling back feels like the only option. You start declining invites, turning off your camera, or keeping things surface-level. And frankly, you’re exhausted.
And that’s where boundaries get tricky: the intention might be care and self-preservation, but the impact can be disconnection.
✦ Wall or Boundary?
On the surface, they can look the same. But there’s a difference in the why behind them.
- A boundary is rooted in self-awareness, communication, and a desire for healthy connection.
- A brick wall is built from fear, past wounds, and a need for control or self-protection at all costs.
One brings peace. The other brings isolation.
✦ Why We Build Walls (and When That’s Okay)
All walls aren’t inherently bad; they can be necessary and warranted. Walls protect you during times where we are just trying to survive out here.
When you’ve seen too much, been overworked, dismissed, manipulated, gaslit, or walked all over, a wall can be a lifeline. It’s a “Do Not Disturb” sign when your nervous system is fried, personally or professionally.
But here’s the thing: walls are meant to be temporary and situational, rather than a full-on brick wall that is applied to all aspects of life. What protects you during survival mode can start to isolate you in healing mode. And that’s when you need to pause and check in:
- Is this still serving me?
- What is the actual purpose?
- Does this wall prevent harm – or connection?
- Is it keeping me from being successful, present, or fully seen?
✦ Brick Walls in Disguise
Typically, walls sound like:
- “I just tend to shut down when I am overwhelmed.”
- “I cut people out at times. It’s a me thing, not you.”
- “I just cut people off when they act up. No time for nonsense.”
- “I’m busy. Always. Perpetually busy.”
- “People always leave, so I don’t get close anymore.”
These may feel empowering and self-respecting in the moment, but often, it is an avoidance strategy. It feels easier and safer. And while boundaries say, “I care about this connection enough to show up honestly within my limits” walls say, “Nope, I’m out.”
✦ So What Is a Boundary, Really?
A boundary says:
- “I value this relationship enough to be clear about what I need.”
- “Here’s how I can stay regulated and connected to myself while still being in relationship with you.”
- “I’m not punishing you—I’m protecting my peace and letting you know how to be part of my life in a healthy way.”
- “I love and appreciate my work, but I am more effective when I set limits.”
Boundaries require clarity, conversation, and vulnerability.
Walls require nothing—because they don’t allow anyone close enough to listen anyway.
✦ When Brick Walls Turn Into Shame
Sometimes, our brick walls aren’t just about fear. Brick walls can turn into guilt, leading to shame and pushing us further into isolation.
We feel guilt for needing space from our jobs. Guilt for not showing up for those we care about. Guilt for not being “over it” already…
…Shame for not feeling grateful enough, healed enough, “chill” enough. Not feeling ready enough to re-engage; ready enough to work harder.
And so, instead of setting clear boundaries with honesty and compassion, we ghost. We vanish. We overcompensate or shut down. We develop unhealthy coping strategies. We try to protect ourselves, but at the cost of connection and the ability for others to depend on us.
The guilt that comes with setting boundaries is real. I’ve had to unlearn the idea that needing space means I’m letting people down—because loving others and loving my work doesn’t mean I have to be available 24/7.
That’s especially tricky when your profession revolves around caring for others… and you have a deeply ingrained habit of over-functioning and people-pleasing (me!). But I’ve learned that setting healthy boundaries doesn’t make me less committed—it actually helps me stay present instead of disappearing or spiraling.
Still, I check in with myself:
Is this boundary giving me space to breathe… or is it a wall I’ve built to avoid something?
✦ How to Know Which One You’re Building
Ask yourself:
- Does this create more peace or just distance?
- Am I avoiding a conversation I need to have—with others or myself?
- Is this coming from my healed self… or my hurt one?
- Am I protecting my peace or avoiding something?
- If I could guarantee my safety, would I show up differently? (re-read this one three more times)
Sometimes a wall can feel like a win—because you don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t feel misunderstood, and you create a reason not to show up. But healing doesn’t happen in isolation; you can’t grow when you avoid.
Walls are easier. Boundaries are braver.
Walls say: “I’ve been hurt, and I won’t let that happen again.”
Boundaries say: “I’ve been hurt, and I’m learning how to be safe while staying connected to myself, my job, and others.”
It’s okay to have a season of walls. But don’t forget you deserve to live a life where you can breathe, connect, and trust again.
Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is – and how to knock respectfully. ~
-keep shining
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