SECRETS OF A SOCIAL WORKER

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Tag: communication

Love To Last A Lifetime….

May 24, 2017 / / 0 Comments

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We learn a lot through relationships and dating, whether about ourselves or what we look for in a partner. I have accumulated different ‘rules’, if you will, to hold true to with love and relationships that I have found super helpful over the years.
Take a peak at these tips, considerations, and things to keep in mind!

Do not hold back. Communicate- even when uneasy or tough. The best way to heal and understand is to get it all out there. To get it off your chest and get the closure you want/need. Don’t torture yourself with the ‘what if’s’ and the unknowns. Be bold, ask questions, and be honest with your feelings. 

Don’t pretend the person you’re with is what you really want. Sometimes we settle, sometimes we allow the current relationship to continue even when we know it’s not all that we are looking for. This is a mistake that may last you a lifetime. Be honest with yourself if something is missing in your relationship and decide if it’s worth sticking around for, or worth exploring other options. You deserve a lifetime of happiness, and hurting someone in the process is tough. But sometimes that is the only option we have to ensure we are doing what is best for ourselves. Being selfish is hard, but when it includes our long term happiness we have to think selfishly sometimes. 

You can’t convince people to love you. No one will love you bc you want them to; it has to move freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.
Just because someone is head over heals in love with you does not mean they are ready. They can love you in ways that you’ve never felt love, but that does not mean they are ready to be with you. You cannot stick around for this. Whatever their reason, do not ever feel the need to motivate someone to meet you where you’re at. You should never have to convince someone to be ready and work towards love. There is someone else for you that is ready, and the love you find with them will be even more extraordinary than the last. 

You can miss someone but still understand that you deserve better. I LOVE this statement, and wish my 19-year-old-self would have known this. You can differentiate between missing someone and wanting to be with someone; there is a difference and we can continue to move forward each day even when we miss someone. Do not let your brain consume you with thoughts of being with someone that does not deserve you. It’s normal to miss people who come and go into our lives, but there is a reason they are no longer present. Remember the good times, but keep on movin’.

Stop rushing. Not only are you looking for a life partner, but also finding a best friend. Take time to really get to know someone and do not focus on the title of a relationship all the time.
Also, the saying ‘you find someone when you least expect it‘ is so true! When we change our focus onto ourselves; our confidence, our own self worth, our identity…that is when relationships happen and that special someone finds us. You need to find yourself before rushing into finding another person to make you happy. Get to know yourself before trying to get to know someone else. S-L-O-W  D-O-W-N.

Quit name calling and say sorry when you need to. Fights will be had, frustrations arise, disagreements happen. All of that is normal in relationships. But nothing good comes from name calling, swearing, or yelling. This only escalates the situation, and honestly it’s just disrespectful. Take a step back if you feel things getting too escalated. Otherwise all we are doing is hurting one another and not solving any of our problems. And if we do get to this point, take ownership and apologize. Meaningful apologies go a long ways, and it helps us learn humility in the process.

Stop trying to change people. What is it about your partner that you are trying to change? Is it a significant issue that will continue to affect your relationship? Or is it something you can overlook? News flash: We cannot change people. Do not waste your energy fighting this.
People naturally change within their relationships based on what they learn from their partner and how they grow together. However, there are certain parts of who we are that are unchangeable. Find out if it’s worth sticking around for or if the issue is too big for you to overlook. Sometimes we try to change people and it may work for a certain amount of time, but typically they go back to who they are. Quit fighting over it, stop trying to make someone something they are not, and decide if this relationship is worth your effort. 

Quit putting their needs before your own. It’s a team effort. Quit bending over backwards to make things work. Are you putting in the same amount of effort as your partner, or are you a one man team? Are they texting/calling you and initiating dates? Are they making time in their life for you? It’s exhausting to put forth all the effort, and it isn’t fair. Find someone who wants to be a team with you.
Finding a partner is all about team work. Even if you are fighting with your partner the goal is the same, which is to choose each other. So even during rough times or arguments, remember that you’re on the same team and fighting for the same thing; to be together. 

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. ~

-keep shining

Tips to Communicating Effectively

February 16, 2016 / / 0 Comments

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This week, I want to provide four quick and easy skills for interacting with others. These four simple skills will make a world of difference in the conversations and arguments you will have, and I am excited to share them with you!
There are times in our interactions with others where we get upset, defensive, argumentative, and frustrated. Unfortunately, it’s going to happen to the best of us. However, there are ways to better interact and be aware of how we are communicating to help keep the conversation at a civil, calm level of discussion and reasoning. It’s inevitable that we are going to argue with our family, our spouse, our best friend, our boss….But how can we do it in a way where we will be heard, and more able to hear what others are saying to us? I know for myself I find it difficult to be willing to listen when I am in a defensive state of mind. All I am thinking about is what I want to say next rather than trying to listen to what is being said. This is really counterproductive in any type of relationship.
Try these four skills:

  1. Use ‘I feel’ statements. ‘I feel’ statements is a skill used to calmly tell someone what we are thinking in a way that includes our feelings, which in turn helps the other person understand where we are at emotionally, and why we may be reacting a certain way.
    For example, let’s say in a conversation with your significant other they raise their voice before saying, “Ugh, you’re pissing me off and you’re not listening to a word I am saying!”. How would this make you feel? I can feel my blood boiling just thinking about it! How would this not be helpful, and how would you respond? You may say something impulsive and hurtful which leads to more arguing and hurt feelings on both sides. Also, this does not resolve anything.
    Now, how much easier would it be for you to respond if your significant other instead said “I feel hurt and frustrated when you do not appear to be listening to me when you are on your phone.”? A touchy topic can be more calmly discussed and resolved if approached by using “I feel ____ when you _______ ” statements.
    Think of a time you were interacting with someone which turned into an argument, and you felt really defensive. Why were you feeling defensive in that moment? What was said to you that upset you? Also think of a time that you really upset someone else during a conversation which turned into an argument. Why were they upset with you? Could using an ‘I feel’ statement have assisted in the situation?
  2. Do not name call, and do not raise your voice. Sounds easy enough, right? But we all know this is easier said than done sometimes. All I can say here is try really hard to focus on the way we speak to others. So much greatness can be accomplished if we focus on resolving an issue rather than adding fuel to the fire. Some thoughts are better left unsaid, and keeping a calm demeanor is respectful and will be well received. Plus, we really don’t want to hurt the ones we care about which is exactly what we are doing by name calling and getting loud. Remind yourself that you are on the same team as that person, and want the same end goal. You would not be spending time having this conversation or argument if you did not feel value in continuing a relationship with that person.
  3. Do not use statements with the words ‘always’ and ‘never’. Another situation which will cause us to get really defensive really fast. ‘Always’ and ‘never’ should not be used in conversations or arguments because, simply, it is not true.
    It’s okay to get upset at your husband for rarely taking out the trash. But, approaching him with saying “you never take out the trash!” will trigger him to think of all the times he has taken out the trash and think you do not notice. ‘Always’ and ‘never’ are bold words, and hearing them can be really discouraging. Try avoiding ‘always’ and ‘never’, and add in an ‘I feel’ statement to ensure the conversation goes smoothly.
  4. Agree to disagree. At the end of the day, sometimes it is okay to accept that we are not on the same page, and it may stay that way. We all know that people do not always agree on everything, and everyone’s perspectives are different. It is okay to hear each other out and learn from one another while understanding that you are not going to change each other’s minds. To be able to ‘agree to disagree’ is a skill, and is not always easy to do.
    Listening is huge when it comes to ‘agreeing to disagree’. We must listen to and try to understand others’ perspectives even when we disagree. It takes discipline and patience to listen when we do not want to. However, in doing so it helps us to become more open-minded individuals. Being open-minded is helpful in our work and our relationships with people, and helps in our understanding for people and their life choices, beliefs, and circumstances.  And who wouldn’t want to be a more understanding and open-minded individual?!

If you just communicate, you can get by. But if you communicate skillfully, you will work miracles. 
-keep shining

 

Relationship before Repair

July 1, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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Relationship before Repair

This concept is SO important when forming and continuing relationships- positive and long lasting relationships. But let me tell you, it’s not easy. So what does this mean exactly?

Relationship before Repair means to focus on your relationship and connections with someone before repairing a problem or issue, or correcting someone due to a mistake that was made.

Here is a helpful example:

Let’s say you have a teenager. Let’s say this lovely, polite teenager decides not to come home for their curfew. When would a teenager do such a thing?! I can hardly imagine it 🙂

So, your child is not home and does not answer your calls. You’re worried, stressed, frantic, upset, disappointed. And in the midst of all your understandable flight of emotions, your lovely, polite teen comes through the door 2 hours after curfew.

What do you do?

I can tell you in that moment I would have a few choice words to say and send them straight to their room while I decided their fate! However, is this method really helpful in that moment? What will that teach your teen?

This is where we remember Relationship before Repair.

How much more memorable and meaningful would it be to focus on your relationship in that terrifying yet frustrating moment? When your teen comes through the door, wouldn’t it be better to first hug them and tell them how happy you are that they are safe and at home? To tell them how much you love them and how worried you were. And thanking them for coming home.

What would that tell a child? What does that teach them?

Imagine how much this concept can help your relationship with teens, with children, with coworkers, with significant others….

Think about what’s really important in these situations, and where the focus needs to be in these intense moments. Because honestly, amidst all your anger and frustration is relief. Relief that your child is home and is safe. In that moment, that should be our focus.

Now I’m not saying we don’t discuss the issue with that teenager, and I’m not saying we do not ground them. Consequences for actions are necessary at times and issues need to be addressed, but there is no sense of making consequences if there is no connection or relationship established. I can assure you most teens will not listen if they do not have a positive connection with you, and most people will be on the defense regardless of whether or not they are at fault.

People want to feel loved even in their worst moments. It is times like this, when people know they mess up or know they are wrong, that they need you the most. This is where you can prove to them that you are there for them for the long haul. This is where you prove that your relationship with them matters. So much can be defined from these moments, and the response you will get from people may shock you. Now I am not saying it always works and that teen will never be late again, but they will remember what you said and how you handled the situation, and that is what matters.

We say a lot when we are mad, it’s human. And some of what we say in our moments of anger later comes back to haunt us. Sometimes we are so angry we don’t even remember saying what we say. Relationship before Repair keeps us in check and reminds us what is truly important in the heat of the moment. It reminds us that we need to focus on the love we have for one another and let our love help define and strengthen our relationships.

-keep shining

People vs. Behavior

May 12, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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Never be mad at the person, but instead mad at their behavior.

Really think about that….This is something I literally remind myself every day, and I can tell you it has changed my life both personally and professionally. 

Behaviors do not have to form people. Behaviors are things that people do- sometimes unnecessary, or inappropriate. But do not let the behavior interfere with the relationship you have with that person. Do not let the behavior interfere with the way you feel about that person, because behaviors and people are two different things.

Ever say or do something really embarrassing or rude, and wish you didn’t because people will think of you differently? Of course you have, and so have I. That is where this little trick comes into play. Make sense?

Remember that friend who blew you off for lunch the other day? That doesn’t define them as a person. You do not know what led to that behavior, and you know that person is your friend. But their behavior confused you, inconvenienced you, and honestly just pissed you off. However, their behavior and the emotions you feel twirling around because of that behavior do not have to reflect on who they truly are. People behave poorly, it happens. Not everyone can be as perfect as you are 😉

Find out what led to their behavior. Find out why they inconvenienced you or hurt your feelings, because with communication comes clarification.

To gain this kind of mindset is not easy. As I said earlier, I remind myself of this every day when I am hurt or upset by others. It will truly make a difference in how you perceive people, how you treat them, and your relationship with them. You can be the bigger person, I know you can!

The next time you’re hurt or upset by someone- ask yourself why. Is it because of who they are as a person, or because of their behavior?

-keep shining

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