Tag: compassion fatigue

When Helping Hurts: Vicarious Trauma in Frontline Work

December 8, 2025 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

If you’ve spent any amount of time working with clients, survivors, or on heavy cases, whether as a social worker, advocate, law enforcement officer, medical professional, military personnel, or part of a multidisciplinary team, you already know this truth:

The work changes you.

Sometimes in beautiful ways. And sometimes in ways we don’t recognize until the weight becomes too much.
This is where vicarious trauma begins to take root.

It’s the subtle accumulation of the stories we hear, the pain we witness, the crises we respond to, and the bravery we hold space for. It’s the cost of caring deeply in careers where the need never slows down.

Having spent fifteen years in social work and nearly a decade specifically in human trafficking response, I’ve seen how quietly vicarious trauma can grow…not because we’re weak, but because we’re human. We care about safety, justice, and the wellbeing of the people we serve. Of course, their pain affects us. Seeing the worst of the world impacts us, no matter how skilled or committed we are. We are humans before we are professionals.

I was never taught about these impacts in school. No one warned us about the toll the work could take. It wasn’t until I stepped fully into the trafficking field that I saw how deeply the work was affecting me and my colleagues, the ones who started avoiding going home, drinking more, battling anxiety, becoming quieter, or slowly disengaging from clients and cases they once poured themselves into.

What Vicarious Trauma Is (and Isn’t)

People often lump everything under “burnout,” but these experiences are different. We can experience both of them (and all of the terms below), but the causes and impacts are not the same.

Vicarious Trauma

A cumulative shift in how we view the world, ourselves, and others, caused by ongoing exposure to trauma.

Think:

“Why am I suddenly more on edge?”
“Why do I distrust people more?”
“Why does the world feel less safe than it used to?”

Vicarious trauma is about worldview shifts, not just fatigue.

Secondary Traumatic Stress

Sometimes used interchangeably with vicarious trauma, but slightly different. Secondary trauma is an acute reaction to hearing traumatic material, mirroring PTSD symptoms.

Think:

intrusive thoughts
difficulty sleeping
hypervigilance
emotional numbing

Secondary trauma can come from a single and intense case, but overtime we are traumatized secondarily from all of the work we do.
For me, sometimes changing my child’s diaper becomes a big, emotional task due to the invasive thoughts I may have during a seemingly normal parenting moment. Witnessing and hearing about child trafficking/online exploitation and seeing those images and videos provides space for intrusive thoughts, which can start to impact daily functioning.

Burnout

Rooted in systems and workload, not trauma exposure. Most of us experience burn out on top of the other impacts that come directly from other people’s pain.

Think:

exhaustion
cynicism
feeling ineffective
being overworked and underpaid
loss of motivation

Burnout can happen in any job. It does not need to come from the high-stress, high-pressure and trauma-exposed work we do. And in fact, most of us probably have been burnt out of a job that had nothing to do with this type of work.

Compassion Fatigue

What happens when empathy meets chronic overload. It’s the emotional residue of caring for others without replenishing ourselves.

Over time, constant self-sacrifice can exhaust our capacity for compassion. We start to predetermine outcomes, disconnect from the “why,” and lose sight of the purpose that once drove us. The definition is literally in the term “compassion fatigue” which is also known as empathic strain.

Moral Suffering

Moral suffering happens when we are forced to navigate situations that violate our values, ethics, or sense of what is right. There are more specifics to this when we look into moral injury (a term that came from the military) and moral distress (a term from the medical field).

It happens when:

a trafficking survivor returns to their trafficker
the system fails again
charges are dropped
services are limited
a child is sent back into an unsafe environment
your team or agency restricts what you know is needed
a supervisor requests that you act in a way that conflicts with your belief system
you carry responsibility without having any power
moral and ethical conflict during deployments, including witnessing harm, being unable to intervene, or carrying responsibility for life-or-death decisions that have no “right” answer

Moral suffering shows up as:

anger
helplessness
guilt
grief
frustration toward systems
shame for not being able to “fix” it

And deeply, quietly, it can make us question ourselves:
Am I doing enough?
Why am I part of a system that keeps failing people?
How do I keep showing up when this feels so wrong?

Unlike compassion fatigue, which drains emotional energy, moral suffering strikes at the core of who we are: our values, integrity, justice, and hope.
For many of us, this is the deepest wound of all.

Why Frontline Responders Are So Vulnerable

The trafficking field is uniquely intense as are many other areas of frontline work. Our cases and clients aren’t navigating just trauma, they’re navigating:

complex victim–offender relationships
chronic exploitation and long histories of harm
systemic failures
stigma and misunderstanding
retraumatizing legal processes
cycles of running, returning, and surviving
experiences tied to military service, such as identity shifts after discharge, or difficulty reintegrating into civilian systems

We see the gaps. We feel responsible. We witness the darkest parts of humanity, and our nervous systems absorb far more than we realize.

Many of us also entered this work with our own why: our own histories and passions, wounds, and lived experiences that make us both powerful and vulnerable.

Our brains don’t fully clock out, not at home, not in bed, not even when we insist we’re “fine.”

Boundaries are hard in this work, and so is shutting off what we can’t un-know about the world. The problem is, many of us stop enjoying life outside of work and the people we care about feel that shift, too. Without boundaries, we burn out faster. And at some point, we have to ask ourselves: Would I want to work with me right now? Would I want to be my own partner, my own child? What would it feel like to depend on me as a victim of a crime?

When we fail to set boundaries, we don’t just harm ourselves, we unintentionally impact everyone around us.

Signs You Might Be Carrying More Than You Realize

If any of these resonate, you’re not alone:

Feeling emotionally heavy after certain cases
Becoming more protective of your own children
Feeling numb or detached
Difficulty trusting people
Intrusive thoughts and/or nightmares
Guilt taking time off
Constantly feeling “on alert”
Less capacity for relationships or hobbies
Feeling responsible for things outside your control
Self-medicating with drugs or alcohol (oftentimes starting subtly and increasing over time)
Overworking to avoid thinking about the work

These are not personal failures. They are warning lights; your body asking you to pay attention.

The Work Changes Us, So We Must Change How We Care for Ourselves

You cannot sustain this work if you refuse to care for yourself. I know how hard self-care feels in this field because the work never sleeps, and boundaries feel impossible. But if we don’t learn to care for ourselves, we move through life as traumatized little worker bees. And that is no way to live. We have to believe this stuff works.

Self-care is not indulgent. It is not fluffy, and it is certainly not something to feel guilty for. It is professional responsibility.

Here are some non-negotiables:

1. Build a routine.

Use habit stacking to pair an automatic habit like brushing your teeth or driving to work with something new.
Take five minutes after your first cup of coffee to meditate or check in with your family for a few minutes before the day gets hectic. Take time on the drive to work for silence, thinking about three things you are grateful for today. Do a body scan when you crawl into bed each night to check in with your physical self and ensure you are relaxed.

2. Stay connected to your “why”.

Purpose should motivate (not drain) you. Ask yourself: What is my purpose? What is my role today?
Spirituality often supports this. We lose ourselves in the work, and sometimes we forget to look for the higher powers we believe in to help ground us. Reconnect with your spiritual side and tap into your purpose through the things that give you hope.

3. Create boundaries that are actually boundaries.

Real boundaries say, “No, I can’t take another case today.”
Turn off notifications. Leave the work phone at home when you take vacation.
But also ask yourself: Why is this boundary hard? What fear does it bring up?

For me, it was fear that someone would be harmed if I didn’t respond, or that people wouldn’t depend on me anymore. So if you feel similarly to this, how can we move through some of this and start prioritizing ourselves? If we are not well, how can we help those who turn to us when they need it most? As we are reminded on every single flight, we must place the mask on ourselves before assisting others.

4. Lean into peer support.

The number one thing I hear across the nation is that people isolate when the work becomes too much or too heavy.
That is the moment connection matters most. Figure out how to tap into your circle of support, social hobbies, and colleagues who can be your sounding board.

Isolation fuels burnout but connection buffers it.

5. Normalize talking about the impact of the work.

We lose more colleagues to emotional injury more than physical danger.
Create spaces, at work and at home, where talking openly is safe and expected. The quickest way to make change is the normalize the experience and support one another as we move through it. We are all impacted differently from the work due to our own traumas, triggers, life experiences, current stressors and more. We cannot compare each other but we can be part of the change we need to ensure we are not losing another person to the hardships of the work.

The world is safer with us in it. Staying well is how we ensure it stays that way.

6. Stop glorifying self-neglect.

Exhaustion is not a badge of honor and we need to stop wearing it like one. How can we make adjustments? How do we remember that life is worth living? We are here to enjoy it, not suffer each day in silence.

7. Do something every week that you look forward to.

Movement.
Creativity.
Hobbies.
Friends.
Rest.
Joy.

These are survival strategies.

The Bottom Line

Vicarious trauma isn’t a sign that you’re “not cut out for this work.”

It’s a sign that you are deeply, beautifully human in a field that asks more of us than most people will ever understand.

The goal isn’t to avoid being impacted. The goal is to be impacted in a sustainable way; to allow the work to shape us without shattering us.

Those of us in the trenches deserve to stay whole.
We deserve to stay grounded.
We deserve to stay well.
And we deserve to have a full life outside the work.

Because the work is too important to lose the people doing it.

-keep shining

Find me: Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn

Compassion: A Life Story Interview of Melissa Williams

December 18, 2019 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Emma Pranger
INQ 100
Dr. Knutson
12/3/19

I met Melissa Williams on a freezing November morning, as she led me through a maze of hallways to her office in the Rape and Abuse Crisis Center. As I walked in, I noticed the neatly arranged pictures on the corkboard behind the computer, the arrays of neatly stacked binders, and the well-maintained pencil cup, and felt a pang of guilt for the mess that was my workspace back home. Just as I was about to comment on the nature of her office she apologized for the mess, as she had only taken the job a few months prior and had yet to get organized. Capable and driven as this remark might suggest, it is Ms. Williams’ compassion that truly makes her remarkable. The story she told me is a testament to her resilience, her commitment to her profession, and the kindness she brings into her interactions with others. These characteristics are both caused by underlying factors in her life, and by her natural character.
Melissa Williams is the prevention education supervisor at the Rape and Abuse Crisis Center in Fargo, North Dakota. Williams is deeply passionate about her vocation. When speaking about her current role at the Rape and Abuse Crisis Center, she stated: “I get to be the person that gets people to talk about things that need to be talked about. I love that challenge every single day and I love creating new challenges like that for the purpose of educating people to become better humans” (Williams).
Ms. Williams grew up in a stable, two parent home with her two older sisters. She spent her early youth in Fargo, North Dakota, until she moved to Linton, North Dakota at age nine. During her youth, she was “very active”, participating in “a lot of sports”, and “focused a lot on school” (Williams). Overall, Ms. Williams believes she is “very fortunate in the upbringing that [she] had as a child” (Williams). However, it was not without challenges. After moving to Linton, Ms. Williams became the target of peer bullying. She attributed her experience partly to the dynamics of being the “new kid” in a small community (Williams). Additionally, because of the school’s small size, she couldn’t avoid her bullies. She stated: “If I was struggling with someone I played a sport with I had to be their teammate every single day” (Williams). Ms. Williams’ experiences are consistent with observed patterns of bullying in small, midwestern schools. These are characterized by victimizing “new kids” and by victims having difficulties avoiding bullies (Oliver et al. 418).
Ms. Williams’ experiences with bullying caused her to develop coping mechanisms. She developed a “protective mode”, where she would defensively lash out at others. She explained: “I kind of had this wall of like, I have to protect myself, and so part of that was being mean back to them… or kind of having an attitude because that was how I protected myself” (Williams). For Ms. Williams, it became difficult to confine this defensive attitude to her interactions with her bullies. Her tone with her family at home became uncharacteristically aggressive and irritable, as she struggled to shut off her “protection mode” when she was safe at home (Williams).
However, despite these tendencies, Ms. Williams’ remained a warm and caring person. Her kind personality caused her to gain the acceptance of many of her peers, as evidenced by her selection as prom queen her senior year, an experience she describes as “very special”, because it served as evidence of this acceptance (Williams). Mrs. Williams’ generally friendly and non-judgmental attitude can be partly explained as a method for coping with bullying. Tennant et al. showed that victimized children who in turn participate in bullying behavior have higher levels of depression and anxiety, and are prone to low self-esteem. On the other hand, victims who engage in mostly defender-type behavior (this encompasses direct intervention in observed bullying, but extends to reaching out to others, and being present for those in need) have lower levels of depression and anxiety, and have higher self-esteem (5). Ms. Williams’ commitment to helping others, in addition to being a manifestation of her caring nature, may have served as a coping mechanism for her own trauma.
Ms. Williams moved to Moorhead when she graduated high school to continue her education at MSUM. The bullying behavior that she had experienced in high school ended with the transition, as she was able to take advantage of the larger pool of peers to avoid negative individuals. She explained: “in college if I didn’t like someone, I didn’t have to be around them if I didn’t want to, so I think there was more flexibility in where I spent my time and who I spent my time with” (Williams). However, some of the psychological effects of bullying persisted. Ms. Williams became “self-conscious about [her] personality” (Williams). In her head, Ms. Williams noted, she was still “very sure of who [she] was”; an “independent… blunt, assertive person” (Williams). However, she was “very filtered” and about how she spoke, and carefully managed how she would be perceived by others (Williams). Existing literature on bullying indicates that the psychological effects of bullying are long-lasting, commonly continuing until late adolescence/early adulthood (Arseneault et al. 722). This filtering behavior might be attributed to tempering behavior that could lead to social backlash from peers, in an effort to avoid further victimization.
Despite these psychological remnants of her prior experiences, college was a generally positive experience for Ms. Williams. It allowed her to become more self-assured, and to recognize that she is a “mature, independent person” and that she could “really depend” on herself (Williams). During this time, she also “ learned… how to be a good friend” (Williams). She attributes this largely to her prior experience with bullying. She explained: “Because of those experiences I had growing up I was like “I will never be these people.” I will never make someone feel the way I felt, and so I was really purposeful about my friendships coming first in my life” (Williams). This reaction to victimization categorizes Ms. Williams as a victim-defender, an attitude which might be best explained by her natural tendencies toward compassionate and understanding action.
College also allowed Ms. Williams to further develop her interest in social work. Academically, the collegiate setting offered more opportunities for hands-on work. There were “recommended hours for social work that you needed to do at different places” (Williams). Ms. Williams completed these hours at Planned Parenthood, the Juvenile Detention Center, and interned at Centre, Inc. These hours were so valuable to Ms. Williams because “nothing can compare to interning and being out in the field” (Williams). She explained: “it’s like I learned more interning for six months than I did in, like, the four years of schooling. Because it’s so different to talk about it and study it and learn it than you’re one-on-one with a client now, what are you going to do?” (Williams). In addition to new academic challenges, the new social environment in college allowed Ms. Williams to explore her passion for social work. The larger peer group in college allowed her to “find more like-minded people… because you can kind of pick and choose who you want to spend your time with” (Williams). The importance she chose to place on maintaining friendships also allowed her to affirm her passion for social work. She explained: “even people that I just met or just knew came to me… for help and so that helped me understand again more specifically what I wanted to do with my life in terms of social work” (Williams).
Although Ms. Williams knew when she left college that she wanted to go into social work, it was not entirely clear to her what area of social work she would pursue. Her first job when she left college was at Prairie St. Johns, where she ran the intense outpatient program for chemically dependent patients. A new college graduate, the responsibility of her new role was “really intimidating” (Williams). But rather than discouraging her, the pressure “helped [her] immensely to become more confident” in herself (Williams). After running the program for a few years, she received a recommendation from a friend to work at PATH, a treatment/foster care facility. She worked there for two and a half years, and “really enjoyed” the work (Williams). The switch was helpful for her because it allowed her to keep applying herself in new ways and learning new things. It was for this same reason that she ultimately left PATH, instead choosing to work with the North Dakota state government to coordinate statewide prevention plans and responses to human trafficking. She said working in a role of such authority helped her “learn an immense amount, not only about work and social work, but also just who [she] is” (Williams). Ultimately, she left that position for her current one because of her leadership position and the healthy workplace environment at the RACC.
Social work, however, is not without its risks. Working with victims of traumatic crime has mental health related ramifications, including susceptibility to compassion fatigue. Compassion fatigue, also referred to as secondary traumatic stress disorder (STSD), is a “set of observable reactions to working with people who have been traumatized” similar in nature to those exhibited by patients with post traumatic stress disorder (Administration for Children and Families). Left untreated, compassion fatigue can result in “problems with mental and physical health…and poor work performance” (Administration for Children and Families). Additionally, as individuals with STSD relate their secondary trauma to members of their support networks, they can unintentionally transmit this trauma to those closest to them, thus severely straining social relationships (Salston and Figley, 169). In the interview, Ms. Williams indicated her ongoing efforts to combat compassion fatigue in her life, asserting that while she “can take on a lot” and thus “[doesn’t] experience that a whole lot”, she must still remain vigilant of signs of compassion fatigue and practice healthy self-care, given that “you could spiral real fast if you don’t take care of yourself”(Williams).
Despite these struggles, Ms. Williams (and others vulnerable to STSD) are still able to find gratification in their work. While discussing her involvement in the anti-human trafficking campaign, Ms. Williams described her field work as follows: “The clientele in trafficking is and was and will be the hardest population I have worked with. And that’s only because of the complex trauma the amount of trauma that they’ve experienced… they’re my favorite population to work with, but by far the most challenging” (Williams). Ms. William’s ability to derive gratification out of working with challenging clients is a prime example of compassion satisfaction. Compassion satisfaction is defined as the “positive outcome from working with challenging patients” (Cetrano et al. 2). A number of factors can cause individuals to experience compassion satisfaction. One study of female psychologists working with sexual assault survivors found that 45% of participants reported enjoyable aspects of working with this traumatized population. The most common positive aspects reported were witnessing “client resiliency and personal growth”, and “a sense of importance of the services provided” (Schauben and Frazier, 51). Despite the emotionally strenuous nature of working with extremely traumatized populations, a significant number of social workers are still able to sustain compassion satisfaction.
Ms. Williams is partly able to avoid compassion fatigue by framing her efforts to avoid burnout through the lens of her clients. She stated: “What I always remind people is that you are doing a disservice to the people you work with if you don’t put yourself first. Because if your mental health is struggling or you’re experiencing compassion fatigue or secondary trauma, your clients are going to feel that” (Williams). This is a mechanism used to overcome her tendencies to avoid taking time for self-care because she sees herself as less deserving of her own attention than her clients. She stated: “That’s another piece for me to learn, that’s hard for me to learn… is how do you put yourself first? …when you’re in a profession that is constantly giving, how do you give to yourself first” (Williams). This frame directly subverts this line of thinking by emphasizing the client’s wellbeing.
A number of environment factors also help Ms. Williams to experience compassion satisfaction in her current work. Research suggests that a key factor in reducing compassion fatigue and increasing compassion satisfaction is the quality of work and of the workplace environment (Cetrano et al. 8). Work intrusion on other areas of life is correlated with higher risk of compassion fatigue. When asked about her ability to separate her work and home lives, Ms. Williams responded that she is “pretty good at keeping it in check” (Williams). On the other hand, positive and supportive workplace culture and employee engagement has been found to correlate with higher levels of compassion satisfaction. Ms. Williams spoke highly of the Rape and Abuse Crisis Center. She said that what originally drew her to work in the center was that “the culture [t]here is so healthy” (Williams). According to Ms. Williams, the workplace at the RACC is characterized by “communication and consistency”, a staff which is “helpful and supporting of each other”, and an unwavering focus on the needs of the client. The healthy environment at the RACC is likely a contributing factor for Ms. William’s ability to derive compassion satisfaction from her work.
Ms. Williams’ spiritual beliefs may also help her to experience compassion satisfaction. Though her beliefs are not based in any major religious sect, she stated that she “certainly believe[s] in a higher power.” She believes in the concept that a person’s energy “cannot be dissipated”, and that the soul regenerates into a new life when the current one ends, taking with some of the lessons from this life. She also has faith in the idea that “things are put in [her] path because they’re supposed to be there” and that her soul has an overarching purpose in this life. According to Schauben and Frazier, spiritual beliefs can function as a form of coping mechanism for those at risk for compassion fatigue (52). This does not mean that Ms. Williams’ spiritual beliefs were constructed as part of a coping mechanism, merely that they may have some utility in this manner. Specifically, the idea that her soul was placed onto earth with a specific purpose helps to understand her deeply rooted conviction in her work.
Although much of this paper has been devoted to explaining how theoretical and external factors have influenced Ms. Williams’ experiences and attitudes, the role of character is also of importance, both in Ms. William’s choice to be a social worker, and also in her ability to derive compassion satisfaction from this work. Ms. Williams knew from a young age that she wanted to go into social work. Growing up, she was “always very open-minded…open to new perspectives and ideas and helping people no matter where they come from” (Williams). When she was in high school, she “always loved helping people and listening” and “always gravitated towards the hard topics… where other people were like ‘I can’t that’s too much for me’” (Williams). This compassion and drive to help others is a natural aspect of Ms. Williams’ character. And although there are aspects of Ms. Williams’ work environment that make coping with the stresses of her work more manageable, the joy and meaning that she derives from her work cannot be explained by theories. Her attitudes towards her work can be seen in the following quotation:
“You see the best and the worst in the world. Everyday. And it’s humbling, it makes you grateful for life, your life, and it makes you take a step back and look at the world. It has helped make me a better person. I am the most open-minded, non-judgmental person in the world and I love that about myself. It has helped me accept others for who they are no matter who they are or what things they have done, and I feel like people feel that from me… I want everyone to feel wanted” (Williams).
A supportive work environment, capacity to separate work from life, spirituality, and responses to childhood bullying have all played a role in making Ms. Williams capable of deriving meaning and gratification from work that can be challenging and distressing. The role of Ms. William’s character, however, cannot be overlooked. From a young age, Ms. Williams decided to dedicate her life to her profession and carry out that profession with great care. Her dedication to helping others is admirable and something everyone should aspire to.

Works Cited
Administration for Children and Families. Secondary Traumatic Stress, https://www.acf.hhs.gov/ trauma-toolkit/secondary-traumatic-stress
Arseneault, Louise, et al. “Bullying victimization in youths and mental health problems: ‘Much ado about nothing’?” Psychological Medicine, vol. 40, no. 5, 2010, pp. 717–729. Cambridge University Press, doi:10.1017/S0033291709991383

Cetrano, Gaia, et al. “How are Compassion Fatigue, Burnout, and Compassion Satisfaction Affected by Quality of Working Life? Findings from a Survey of Mental Health Staff in Italy.” BMC Health Services Research, vol. 17, no. 755, Nov. 2017, pp. 1-11. SpringerLink, doi:10.1186/s12913-017-2726-x

Salston, MaryDale, and Charles R. Figley. “Secondary Traumatic Stress Effects of Working with Survivors of Criminal Victimization.” Journal of Traumatic Stress, vol. 16, no. 2, Apr. 2003, pp. 167-74. EBSCO, doi:10.1023/A:1022899207206

Tennant, Jaclyn E. et al. “Internalizing Problems of Youth Involved in Bullying via Different Participant Role Combinations and Gender.” School Psychology Review, vol. 48, no. 3, Sep. 2019, pp. 222-36. EBSCO, doi:10.17105/SPR-2017-0078.V48-3

Oliver, Ronald et al. “The Perceived Roles of Bullying in Small-Town Midwestern Schools.” Journal of Counseling and Development, vol. 72, no. 4, Mar. 1994, pp. 416-420. EBSCO, doi:10.1002/j.1556-6676.1994.tb00960.x

Schauben, Laura J., and Patricia A. Frazier. “Vicarious Trauma: The Effects on Female Counselors of Working with Sexual Violence Survivors.” Psychology of Women Quarterly, vol. 19, no. 1, Mar. 1995, pp. 49-64. SAGE, journals-sagepub-com.cordproxy.mnpals.net/doi/pdf/10.1111/j.1471-6402.1995.tb00278.x

Finding Peace Through Pain

December 9, 2018 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

The entire concept and culture around emotional pain completely fascinates me. We hurt a lot as humans; it’s a part of our growth and resiliency while we venture through life. And most of the pain we deal with day to day is our thoughts. What is fascinating to me is that we choose to let pain burden us, and because of that we experience things like confusion, irritability, difficulty concentrating, fear, anxiety, anger, rejection, humiliation, perceived failure, mood swings, guilt, shame, and self-blame (to name a few)…And to add to this long list, pain causes us to mentally rewind time, replay situations, ruminate, and wish for different outcomes. AKA-we are constantly and subjectively experiencing mental suffering. And do you know the worst part is? It’s addicting…

It’s easy for our minds to focus on and discuss the negative; what isn’t going well, what hurts, what upsets us, what we don’t like. Our minds are hardwired to have a stronger focus on and easier pull towards pain rather than happiness and optimism. It’s engrained into our cultures and entangled in our every day life to focus on negativity…It’s contagious to experience pain because it helps us relate to others and gives us something to talk about. We are motivated by pain and negativity, and we gravitate towards focusing on others’ pain and negativity more so than what is going well in their lives.

I am constantly being asked how I manage pain from my personal life experiences as well as the secondary trauma I acquire from helping those that have endured horrific pain. I did not realize how much pain could gradually seep into my life until working in a career filled with it. That being said, I have come to live by a few very important rules regarding pain and how I ensure it doesn’t control me…

First and foremost – every painful, broken piece of us doesn’t need to be analyzed, collected, or remembered… Some pieces need to stay lost because they don’t belong to us, they happened to us. Let the pieces go. Move forward, and do not hold onto these things. Do not claim the pain, just understand that it was an experience. And as hard as it is, do not tie emotion to it. It just is, and let it be just that.
Change your beliefs about the pain. We cannot experience love, humility, positivity without an understanding of gratitude. And without any pain, we would fail to see how great life can truly be. How can you look at the painful experience as a learning curve, or a helpful step in the right direction? What positives can come out of this pain? How can you change the belief about the purpose of the pain to help it motivate you?
Do not run away from pain, allow yourself to feel everything. Be present with your feelings, allow whatever it is that wants to come up to do so. Do not be embarrassed; purge the emotion. This is how we move forward, otherwise we stuff things deep inside to be dealt with later, on top of all the other pain we try to avoid. Embrace what you need to feel; it helps to understand and accept the pain… A very good tool for this is meditation.
Slow down. We cannot allow ourselves to feel if we are constantly going at a pace of 100 miles an hour. Give yourself time to breathe, and figure out how to move forward with these painful experiences. I am guilty of purposefully going 100 miles an hour so I do not have time to ruminate on pain… It’s how I distract myself, and it is not healthy. Take time to be with yourself, and work through the pain before it gets stuffed deep down to come up later. And trust me, it will come up later.
When you are right in the muck of your pain, ask yourself if there’s any piece of this that you can control. If the answer is no, you cannot control or change anything about this, then learn to let it go after you process through it. *Meditation is super helpful here also*. We cannot hold onto pain that serves us no purpose. If we can’t make any positive changes, and if the situation is not in our control, we must move on and move forward. What other option do we really have?
And lastly – how can you make your pain a part of you? Always remind yourself to use pain to your advantage. Remind yourself that pain makes you who you are, and it has helped to develop you into your current self…Your soulful, resilient self. And isn’t that a beautiful thing?

You are never more than one thought away from peace~

-keep shining

Insta, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter

Secrets of a Social Worker

January 27, 2018 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Having to constantly remind yourself that you have done your best
Even though that suicidal client made you second guess
Blaming you for their problems and the reason they will die
But then the next day they stop by your office just to say hi
Trying to convince that client that she has many strengths
But she tells you the tan line from her watch is the best she can name
Then opening up Facebook and seeing that she’s passed
Depression got the best of her and was the reason she’s laid to rest

It’s the letters and calls of the clients who you never thought cared
Telling you you’re the best thing that’s happened to them and the reason they’re still here

Having to stay strong when sitting across from the person talking about their rape
That they’ve been trafficked for years but people call her a whore and point the blame
She is crying to you saying she had no other way
Because her parents weren’t there and she had nowhere to stay
But that charming man offered her a bed and some love and affection
Then she wakes up to realize she was assaulted and he gave her an infection

It’s the little boys you just met who call you mom
So you break down afterwards debating if you can adopt

The four-year-old girl who says she hates cops
and you try to convince her they are safe and that’s part of their job
But to her they were evil as they constantly came to her home
Because her mother used drugs and sold dope
So now she shutters under the blankets each time someone comes to the door
She screams bloody murder and immediately hits the floor
No amount of therapy or comfort makes it stop
She will never feel safe and will forever hate cops

It’s the cutter you found on the floor covered in her own blood
Then calling her dad who says he won’t pick her up
he’s burnt out and he’s done
Trying to convince her life is worth it
But she’s been beaten down too many times and told she’s worthless
Then leaving that day with a trauma-filled brain
But it’s your birthday that night so you fake a smile and choke down your cake

The hyper-vigilance constantly haunting you
Looking around wondering who plans to buy a 14 year old girl to bring back to their hotel room

Being scared to walk alone in the parking lot at night
Knowing that you upset a client who may have a knife

Having to kick that guy out of treatment for his failed urine test
Even though you know he needs you more than the rest
But you have to follow rules as that is what’s ‘best’
but that night you are restless
He won’t ever know how much you cared
and that you really wanted to be there

The dreadful news that another one has died
Lost their precious life to suicide
And asking yourself what you could have done to change their mind

It’s watching foster children suffer through night terrors and missing their mom
You advocate and fight but can’t send them home
So you hug them tight and hope they make it
To not be the majority who drop out of school and never feel like they fit

The boy who tells his mom to fuck off in group therapy
that he hates her and she doesn’t amount to anything
She breaks down because she can’t take the pain
And you’re supposed to know the right thing to say

People reminding you to practice self care
But what does that even mean
When you break down in tears and wake up from those awful dreams
No amount of bubble baths, gym sessions, or journaling will make that better than it seems

But through the turmoil and struggle
You can’t help but be thankful
For the lives you have ‘saved’ and the people who know you care
For the ones that make you smile and realize life isn’t fair

That’s why we help one another
And pick each other up
Because fairness doesn’t exist but through love we know we have done enough

Knowing that you have given some lives just a little glimmer of hope
Becoming so resilient and being able to cope

Sometimes it’s hard but it’s worth it when you meet that little girl
Who reminds you that you’ve been helpful and made a huge difference in her world

That is why we do it each and every day
We smile through the tears and tell ourselves that we will be okay
To be strong and empathetic because they have it worse than you
With patience and acceptance, you make a difference
through and through

-keep shining

*Like and share Secrets of a Social Worker on Facebook for blog updates!

The Gift Of Giving…To Yourself.

December 21, 2017 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

I’ll be honest, the this time of year is really difficult for me. Along with all the parts I look forward to around the holidays such as gift-giving, parties, paid time off, traditions with family, and Christmas treats also comes a caseload of clients that doubles in size overnight. Every year I tell myself I will be stronger, I tell myself that it will get better, and remind myself that I can’t save the world; I can’t bring the world home with me for Christmas. But, every year I still break down and cry…A lot.
The holidays are usually a time that I reflect on the clients I have had the privilege to work with over the years. I recall their stories, and I remember that many of them do not have the opportunity to receive or give gifts, to go to parties, to take off work, to spend time with family, or to have a warm meal to eat….
I have mourned with kids in psychiatric facilities whose family did not visit them over Christmas. I have been a shoulder to cry on for a man who had no one to spend the holidays with, and was too embarrassed to tell anyone about it. I have tried to find the silver lining for the girl who told me that she has never opened a Christmas gift in her life. And I continuously work with individuals whose behaviors escalate around the holidays due to the trauma they’ve endured, and then watching as those around them lose empathy because they do not understand it.
I can’t keep up with the demands of the job because I cannot make people’s pain disappear, and the holidays alway remind me of that. It’s hard for me to look forward to time with my own family when I spend the days leading up to the holidays in constant crisis mode with my clients who have been sexually assaulted, physically and emotionally abused, and have nowhere to go. I struggle to leave work at work and take a break because I know someone might need me, and I can’t be there for them…This is called secondary trauma, or compassion fatigue, if you will, and it can affect any one of us at any given time. We take on our clients’ problems and stress, we let their stories affect our personal lives, we develop our own triggers, we become hyper-vigilant, and ultimately we burn out. That’s why people who work in the helping profession often have a high turnover rate…we give too much of ourselves.
I always ask myself why…Why do I get to look forward to the holidays when it brings so much pain to some people? I get mad that the world isn’t fair and get discouraged because there is nothing I can do to change that. At the end of the day, I always remind myself that I have done my best, but sometimes telling myself that isn’t enough to make the pain and frustrations dissipate. It isn’t enough to ‘leave it at the door’ when I get home because I am still empathizing with those less fortunate than myself. If I only had a nickel for every time someone asked me how I take care of myself with such an intense job, I think I’d have enough money to buy every client plenty of gifts to go around! That being said, the way I get by each holiday and stay sane is to take care of myself and keep my compassion fatigue in check. Regardless of your field of world and how stressful or enjoyable your job may be, we all need to take care of ourselves and be sure we put ourselves first sometimes.
Here are some quick and easy ways I do that:

1. Check In…. I check in with myself every day; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I tune into how tense I am, what is causing me stress and/or joy, how tired I am, what I am thinking about, etc… Just check in and take a pause. Know where you are at and be mindful of yourself, first and foremost. This can take no more than 5 minutes, but it ensures that each day you don’t forget about yourself and become mindful of how you feel. This helps me approach each day more thoughtfully and think about myself throughout the day, which is easy for me to forget to do.
Click here for another perspective on checking in.

2. Be Kind… Not only to others, but to yourself. Be easy on yourself. Know that you are working hard. We get ridiculed enough in this society as it is, the least you can do is be nice to yourself and give yourself a compliment now and again. You can always find something positive to say about yourself, and make it a daily habit. It’s easier to be kind on the outside when we are first kind on the inside. And I find myself more kind to others when I am first kind to myself. By being more kind to myself, I have actually found that mean/rude people don’t bother me as much; I am nice to people even when they aren’t nice to me. And sometimes that is just what they need because clearly they’re having a worse day than I am.

3. Focus on what is in your control… As you could have guessed, I can’t bring all of my past and current clients home with me for the holidays. Clearly, that is out of my control. I need to remind myself of the actions I have taken to try and produce the best outcome, but the outcome itself isn’t something I can predict. The holidays may bring extra frustrations or unpredictability, but it does no good to be upset over something I cannot do anything about.
When things arise that cause anxiety and frustration, just check in and ask yourself what about that situation you’re able to change, do it, and leave the rest behind.

4. Take Breaks… Let me spell it out for you, PTO…P-A-I-D T-I-M-E O-F-F. I know it’s hard to imagine, but the world will still revolve in your absence. People will get by if you’re not there. You earned time off, take it. We all need breaks. If we don’t take breaks we are burning ourselves out and that only affects the people around us, and the clients we are trying to serve. We cannot be our best selves in the work place if we are not taking breaks. Life is more than just working all the time. Try to rid yourself of the guilt because if you aren’t your best self for you, you sure as heck can’t be for anyone else. Breaks help give us some clarity and relief. Enjoy that vacation in Hawaii!

5. Cry… I hate crying. I hate it. And I do not do if often, so when I do I know that it’s needed. And every time I break down I feel better. We have emotions, people! We always get mad and embarrassed with ourselves for feeling the way we feel rather than just accepting it and letting it flow. You can’t control your emotions, but you can control how you react to them.
We have to get our feelings out and be honest with ourselves. Not only does it feel better and help us come to terms with things, but it brings a sense of relief. And it ensures you that you won’t go and unexpectedly word vomit your emotions onto someone else.
Click here to read another one of my blogs on this topic.

6. Decide what self care means to you…. In my trainings, when I ask people what self care means to them, often they say things like taking a bath, going on vacation, getting their nails done, going hunting, etc.. But self care is SO much more than that. Really ask yourself what self care means to you, it’s more than just this surface-level stuff. Dig deeper, there’s always more we can be doing for ourselves to ensure our happiness and health is where it needs to be. My self care absolutely includes vacations, getting my nails done, playing basketball, etc.. But it also includes all of the helpful tips above plus many more.
One of my favorite self care exercises is what I simply refer to as happy thoughts. Sometimes it is easy to let negativity sink in without even recognizing it. It’s these times when we don’t give ourselves enough credit and say something hurtful about our character or our physical appearance. So, when that happens I practice what it referred to as ‘thought stopping’ in the social work world, and replace those icky thoughts with one of my handy dandy happy thoughts I keep stored away.

We all have tough days, and we need to be easier on ourselves in order to get through them. A little gratitude, kindness, and self love can go a long way.

If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete ~

-keep shining

For additional holiday blog posts, click here and keep scrolling.

Tag: compassion fatigue

Archives

Recent Posts

Recent Comments

Meta

Archives

Categories