Tag: confidence (Page 1 of 3)

Tokens

March 1, 2026 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve lived my life. Not the resume version or the LinkedIn bio. Not the “licensed social worker, consultant, speaker” version.

I mean the actual life…
The constant growth.
The marriage and divorce.
The rebuilding.
The falling in love again.
The advocating hard.
The motherhood chapter.
The nights I lay awake wondering if I asked for too much.
The business risks.
The big move across the country.
The moments I felt powerful.
The moments I felt small.

And I tend to categorize all of it…
This was a success.
That was a mistake.
This made me look strong.
That took too long.
This made me look foolish.

But recently I heard this philosophy:
With every life experience you have, you receive a token. Good, bad, or indifferent, everything you do gains another token.

You travel the world? Token.
You run a marathon? Token.
You get married? Token.
You get divorced? Token.
You build a company from scratch? Token.
You love someone deeply and it doesn’t last? Token.
You get fired? Token.
You become a parent? Token.
You go bankrupt? Token.

The idea here is life and our experiences do not need to be “right” or “good” to receive a token.

I’ve worked in spaces where there is a lot of pressure, and the stories are heavy. When you sit with enough trauma, you start to understand something about being alive: safety is never guaranteed, time is never guaranteed, outcomes are never guaranteed. The cards we are dealt are sometimes unfair, and the only thing that’s guaranteed is that you are here, in this moment, having an experience.

I think for a long time, I was trying to manage and categorize my experiences instead of living them. I am still guilty of doing this sometimes, trying to avoid the “wrong” tokens, because of course we want to avoid looking foolish or avoid a heartbreak. And I definitely try to avoid instability or big mistakes. But when we live like that, we just collect fewer tokens.

And then I heard about the Black Coffee Theory:
You walk into a coffee shop wanting a latte, but instead of ordering it, you say, “I just don’t want black coffee.”
The barista looks at you, confused. “Okay… but what do you want?”
“I just know I definitely don’t want a black coffee”.
The barista is still confused, and as she is making drinks for others, she is trying to recall your order. And what is the only thing she can recall? A black coffee.
So guess what lands on your table?

What you get is what you keep talking about and focusing on, and this is how most people are living their lives:
I don’t want to be in another relationship where I feel alone.
I don’t want to struggle financially.
I don’t want to feel invisible.
I don’t want to burn out.

It sounds self-aware, evolved, and even a bit protective. But when you focus your energy on what you’re trying to avoid, that is all you notice. You don’t actually move toward something new, and you miss your chance to collect another token.

There were seasons where I was so focused on not repeating past pain or mistakes that I never fully articulated what I actually wanted instead. I knew I didn’t want emotional inconsistency. I didn’t want chaos or instability. I didn’t want to feel like I had to prove my worth or shrink for others or stay somewhere that was not the right fit for me.

But what did I want?
Stability.
Reciprocity.
Ease.
Fun.
Love.
Excitement.
Success.
Confidence.

Being more aware of this has made me realize the difference between saying, “I don’t want chaos,” and “I want steadiness”, because one is defensive and one is directive.

For a long time, I would say things like, “I don’t want to struggle forever,” or “I don’t want to feel like this every day.” But I rarely said things like, “I want overflow. I want expansion. I want to be highly visible. I want a successful career. I want consistent happiness.” Because saying what you don’t want feels safer; it doesn’t expose your desire or risk disappointment. And for some reason, it feels arrogant or self-serving to talk this way; it feels vulnerable to speak our desires out loud. But why should it? Why is desire something we don’t think we deserve, or need to feel embarrassed about? By acknowledging our desires, we avoid stagnation. Sure, we still go through some painful times and gain a token we may not have wanted, but here’s the intersection I’m finally understanding:

Collecting tokens requires courage and ordering what you actually want requires confidence. Because when you decide that every experience is a token, even the painful ones, you stop trying to edit and categorize your life. You stop pretending certain chapters shouldn’t have happened and you stop attaching shame to the parts that didn’t work out.

That divorce? Token.
That relationship that cracked you open? Token.
That season of financial uncertainty? Token.
That bold decision to leave something stable? Token.

These examples are not proof you failed; they are proof you lived. And once you accept that, once you stop fearing the “bad” tokens, you’re free to order your coffee differently. You’re not trying to outrun anything anymore or live in this negative bubble. You’re not standing at the coffee counter anxiously saying, “Just not that again.” You’re saying, clearly, “This is what I want.”

I want depth without instability.
I want impact and softness.
I want success that doesn’t cost me my nervous system.
I want love that feels safe and expansive at the same time.
I want wealth without apology.

That is your coffee order. And the real growth isn’t about becoming someone new; it is about integrating both ideas:
1. Life will hand you experiences you didn’t plan for. Some that will stretch you, humble you or undo you. They are not detours or proof you failed. They are tokens, AKA evidence that you lived fully instead of cautiously.
2. And then, with everything those experiences taught you, you stop organizing your future around what you’re afraid of and start organizing it around what you actually want. You get to decide what you are moving towards.

All that being said, I don’t try to plan out my tokens anymore. Because even the ones that humble me, expose me, or the ones that hurt me built the person who can now walk into the coffee shop and say without hesitation what it is that I want. And that does not make me entitled or naive. I just now know the difference between a black coffee and a latte.

And I’m done pretending I don’t have a preference.

– keep shining
Find me: Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn

Rewrite The Plot

February 23, 2025 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

I was scrolling down the inevitable black hole of TikTok the other day when I heard something that stopped me in my tracks:

“If you were the main character in a movie about your life and there was an audience watching the movie, what would the audience be screaming at you to do?”

Oof. Gut punch. Because let’s be honest—most of us would be yelling something, or perhaps many things…It could be something gentle, like “Dude, put down your phone and be present.” Or maybe other, louder things, like “STOP PRIORITIZING PEOPLE WHO DO NOT PRIORITIZE YOU” or, “QUIT THAT JOB AND BE HAPPY!”

And let’s not even start on those horror movie moments, when you know what’s coming, and you’re practically begging the character, “Don’t go in there!” But they always do. Every. Single. Time.

I sat with it for a minute; if my life was playing out on screen, what would I be yelling at myself?

I’d probably be gripping the armrest and thinking, “Please don’t say yes to that thing you don’t have time for.” I’d be whispering to my friend next to me in the theatre, “Why doesn’t she stand up for herself?!” I’d be going mad when they (AKA, me) hesitate on something they know deep down they want, yelling, “Just freaking do it already!”

And here’s the thing—if we can see it so clearly from the outside, why is it so hard to change from the inside?

Maybe it’s because we’re too close to our own stories. We excuse our own patterns because they feel familiar. And we forget that, unlike a movie, we actually can rewrite the next scene.

So, here’s my challenge for you (and for me):

1. Figure out what you’d be yelling.

What’s the one thing (or things) you wish your past self would have done differently? What’s the pattern that keeps playing on repeat? What’s the decision that—if this were a movie—you’d be watching, shaking your head, already knowing how it ends?

As you reflect, resist the urge to beat yourself up… Regret is a trap—one filled with shame, guilt, and endless bargaining that leads nowhere but frustration. I have never believed in the idea of regret because there’s no point in dwelling on what’s already happened, but there is value in looking back with clarity. Not to ruminate, but to recognize. Not to stay stuck, but to step forward with a new perspective.
“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”

2. Decide if you want the movie to take a plot twist.

If you keep watching yourself make the same choices, ending up in the same situations, it’s worth asking—do you want the story to stay the same, or is it time for a shift? Patterns don’t break on their own, and nothing changes until you decide to change it.

This isn’t about flipping your life upside down overnight, but about recognizing that you’re not stuck in a predetermined storyline. You get to decide whether this remains a cycle of missed opportunities and frustration or becomes the turning point where things finally shift. This does not have to be the cautionary tale you thought it was—maybe this is the part where everything starts to change, or at least some parts.

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

Here’s the thing about change and taking risks: the unknown will always feel uncomfortable, but staying in the same loop just because it’s familiar isn’t safe—it’s just stagnant. Those of you who read my blogs regularly know how much I encourage this. Instead of wondering what could be, what if you actually experienced it? Take a moment to journal about the decisions you’ve been avoiding or the ones you make begrudgingly; talk it out with someone you trust and visualize what the sequel to your life’s movie would look like if you finally went for the plot twist…

What would happen if you bet on yourself?

3. Start acting like the main character you’re rooting for.

The one who sets boundaries, chooses joy, and stops giving second chances to things that don’t deserve them. The one who stops letting fear hold them back. The one who finally realizes that their worth was never in question and who has the confidence they always envied in others. It’s your movie, so you get to decide.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

At the end of the day, no one wants to watch a movie where the character stays stuck. The best ones are where they finally get it. Where they make the move, take the risk, say the thing, and step into something better… Doesn’t that feel good?

And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be the character who makes it to the happy ending than the one who has people throwing popcorn at the screen, yelling, “Come on. You know better!”

So, what’s your movie moment? What’s the thing you know you’d yell at yourself? Maybe today’s the day you finally listen and take the first step.

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.”

-keep shining
Find me: Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn

Shame.

November 4, 2020 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

One of the worst moments of my life was winning the grand and oh-so-important title of Homecoming Queen. I know this sounds ridiculous, however there are two main reasons why this day sucked so royally…For starters, I had no idea until that moment how truly mean people could be. Even friends that I was used to having in my corner were not, and I was blindsided by this. It was a time in my life of being very hurt, confused, and emotionally drained. I knew back then that homecoming was not something people remembered or that even mattered after high school. And frankly, I did not care whether or not I ‘won’ anything like that. But winning was the best thing that could have happened to me, because experiencing this kind of hate made me realize how important friendship is. I recall telling myself that I would never make anyone feel the way I felt. I decided in that moment if I am anything in this life, it’s that I will be remembered as a damn good friend.
The second reason this day sucked was because people I was not close with at all or spoke to much were the ones that were there for me. I was so grateful for them, but immediately felt an intense amount of guilt for not noticing or spending more time with these people throughout high school. That guilt has carried into adulthood, and I sometimes find that the guilt starts trickling into the most damaging feeling of all; Shame.

One thing we know about guilt is that it co-exists with shame. I still have small, random moments of feeling shame over that experience in my life. My thoughts go something like this, “what kind of person was I that I did not thank them more for being so nice, or that I didn’t spend time with them? I wonder what type of person they think I am. Did I hurt their feelings? Did they regret being so nice to me?” …Isn’t this absolutely ridiculous? The shame I still hold onto for something so small and irrelevant upsets me.

We all do this. We feel badly for so many things we did or did not do, or messed up, or regret (guilt), and then start to allow that guilt to define the type of person that we are (shame). Guilt is the feelings associated with I did something bad (the behavior), whereas shame is the thought that I am bad (self worth). Often times our guilt turns into shame…But it is so important to separate our behavior from who we are as a person.

It’s also important to understand that guilt is how we feel we have affected others, whereas shame relates directly with our feelings/beliefs about ourselves. Guilt is where we feel responsible for something we did, and shame is the painful awareness we are flooded with when we feel we are ‘improper’ or are now damaged in some way. The feelings we get from chalking ourselves up to being ‘damaged’ can be so overpowering and painful that it fogs our ability to further develop our sense of purpose, confidence, and worthiness. Once we move past the healthy feelings of guilt (empathy and recognizing that we feel badly for hurting someone) and into this feeling of being less-than (shame) is when we stunt our ability to grow. It’s when we listen to the internal beliefs we have about ourselves…The little voice that says, “I knew you couldn’t do it”, “I knew you’d fail”, or, “no one will ever love you”.

I am surrounded by shame, not only because as a female it’s unfortunately such a societal norm to feel shame, but also working with victims who are often blamed for the abuse they have experienced…Being told countless times by society that they had a choice or ‘asked’ for it, or are questioned for their decisions. Through these victims, I continually see how much shame interferes with personal growth. It is devastating to watch shame take over someone’s whole being and sense of self, and cause them to continually face the downward spiral of self hate. This is where people feel unworthy, self-loathing, and a sense of not belonging. There is nothing productive about shame because it’s where we become self destructive, careless, and defeated.

Take-Aways:

It is so important to separate person from behavior. Labels lead to developing a sense of shame.
Surround yourself with people who do not judge, blame, or label.
Tell yourself you love yourself, daily, and why. If this is hard or awkward for you, I would challenge you to have an honest conversation with yourself and unpack that. Find where the why is and start to explore reasons to love who you are and what you bring to the table.
Be more aware of positive/negative self talk. When you mess up, do you say, “I should not have done that”(guilt), or, “I am not a good person” (shame)? Focus on your behavior and how to change/learn from that, but you do not need to correlate that with the kind of person you are.
Think about all of your positive qualities, and then think of your flaws. If it’s uncomfortable or difficult to think of your positive traits, and/or your flaws list is larger and easier to talk about, work on changing that. Life is too short not to love who you are and celebrate that each and every day.
Talk about it. We cheer on people around us when they are vulnerable, yet we don’t want to do it ourselves. It feels scary, foreign, or like people will judge us. But talking about it helps us recognize and work through it, gives the shame less power in our brains, and provides some relief. We continue to go down the rabbit hole in our heads when we stay silent.
Accept that you are going to mess up, hurt people, embarrass yourself…These are normal experiences and we will never outrun them.
Learn what your triggers are…What are some environments where that little voice likes to chime in? Prepare yourself for this and be vigilant about identifying the feeling before it expands.
Quit apologizing for everything. We say sorry for being who we are, or for things we have no control over. Focus on and work towards letting go of this habit.
Do not give shame space in your head. You are lovely, just the way you are, but the key is that you believe it too.

Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change~

-keep shining

Blogs about guilt:
Guilty Conscious
Free Yourself From Guilt
Color Outside The Lines

Find me:
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest

When you love yourself…

August 29, 2020 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

You smile more often
Your taste in people will change
You say no
You do not listen to outside opinions
Your confidence is your best friend
Your success matters more than how much you weigh
You are less stressed
You focus on your purpose
You understand your passions
You see the world through a positive lens
You are less judgmental
You gain self awareness
You leave toxic relationships behind
You are grateful for the little things
You trust the process
You do not let the expectations of others define you
You put yourself first
Your mindset evolves
Your values and goals begin to change
You are able to be vulnerable
You set boundaries
Your self care becomes a priority
You see yourself for you who are
You seek more opportunities
You learn to accept helpful criticism and apply it
You prioritize the health of your body and soul
You love unconditionally
You are living

-keep shining
(Click here to learn how to celebrate yourself)

Find me:
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest

Keep On Keepin’ On

June 28, 2020 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Quit ruminating. Quit dwelling. Quit over analyzing.
Stop wasting your time thinking about comments other people make.
Stop seeking out and valuing the opinions of others over your own.
And please, do not allow negativity to keep you from pursuing the path to being who you are.
It all sounds pretty easy when I say it like that, and wouldn’t it be great if it was? This is no simple task. We are groomed to fit into the bullsh*t box of society. We feel pressure to consider what everyone else says and thinks about us and our actions. We take others’ comments and criticism more seriously than we take our own guiding thoughts and intuition. We confuse our own judgement, self awareness, and dreams because we enmesh them with the world’s opinion and expectation of us.
Before giving into it, ask yourself a series of questions relating to the comments and opinions of others…
Is it helpful? Is it productive? Is it loving? Does it feel good?
AND
Does it cause self doubt? Second-guessing? Is it hateful? Does it trigger me?

The answers to these questions are very telling and insightful. Asking these questions reminds us that people can give unsolicited advice at anytime, oh and do they ever! These things make us feel bad. But WHY do we need to feel bad? Is their comment helpful and productive? Loving? Does it feel good? If not, let it go…
Drop it.
Throw it away.
Leave it behind.
Laugh it off.
Stomp on it.
Burn it.
Forget about it…
What good does someone else’s comments do in our brain, anyways? Why do we waste all of our time and energy on everyone else and put ourselves in the backseat? This is crap. We literally over analyze everything about ourselves because of the negativity in this world. We are addicted to approval and feedback. We care SO MUCH about the outside that we put all of our energy there. But what about the power and brilliance that resides within us? We care more about acceptance from others than we do about acceptance of ourselves.
Letting go does not mean to think about our kick ass comeback. Letting go does not mean to ‘show them’. It’s not about revenge or karma. It’s to totally and completely drop it; to not care. These other ways of moving on are a cop out because it’s easier to be spiteful as sometimes that feels good. Be better than spitefulness, because you are better than the negative state of mind. We get addicted to negativity, gossip, and judgement. We feed into this so intensely that we use it as a distraction and forget who we are. You do not deserve to be sucked into the negative comments and unsolicited advice because this is a waste of life. There is nothing to gain by responding to this negativity. Being able to move forward and not give it attention will leave your energy feeling light and happy. Plus, be proud of yourself for not stooping to that level, as this is where growth happens. It takes strength and humility to push back on the negativity. It teaches us about developing our own confidence and self worth, knowing we are above the rules and judgement of others. We can listen to our own guidance and be happy with what it provides to us. Be your own best friend and trust yourself. Change your narrative. It hurts to take it all in and it’s exhausting to let it ruminate, so leave what’s hurtful, mean, negative, and regressive behind, and show others how it’s done too.
Protect your heart because it deserves to be protected. People are vicious because it’s cheap and easy. That is why we need to take responsibility to leave the negativity, the harsh comments, and the temptation to fire back alone. It does nothing for us but keeps us in it. Life begins when we let go and find the confidence within ourselves to own who we are without the need for a rebuttal or rumination. What I want for you is to say how you feel, to make a decision, to post the selfie, to change your mind, to push back whenever you want to. Why? Because it’s your life and, oh yeah, because you can.

Keep on keepin’ on, dear, as you have a lot to offer this world if you allow yourself to dream without boundaries. To let go of the concern for the world and it’s opinion is the most freeing thing you can do for yourself. Be true to you, find peace in your own energy, and do not hang onto what does not serve you. There is no purpose in keeping it close…What has that ever done for you that’s productive and kind? Hurt leaves us lost and confused, but self love provides us with the confidence and strength to let it go. You can appreciate yourself for that, and know that you can do it.

Beauty begins in the moment you decide to be yourself~

-keep shining

Tag: confidence (Page 1 of 3)

Archives

Recent Posts

Recent Comments

Meta

Archives

Categories