Tag: love (Page 1 of 4)

Words.

February 9, 2024 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves, starting in grade school. In fact, I would argue that words are the most powerful weapon we have access to, and we carry it with us at all times.
Words can be the fixer of all things and can also be the reason someone can’t seem to make it through life. Our words matter, they have meaning, they are impactful, and it is our responsibility to use them wisely.

I recently heard a speech given by Mohammed Qahtani where he stated, “Words have power. Words are power. Words could be your power. You can change a life, inspire a nation, make this world a beautiful place. Isn’t that what we all wanted? Your mouth can spit venom, or it can mend a broken soul.”

I rewatched that speech numerous times, reflecting on moments in my life where words truly changed my trajectory…Times when words broke me down, but also the times when words impacted me so greatly that they are a major reason for my happiness.

There is one memory that I immediately thought of when listening to Mohammed’s speech that changed my perspective on words, kindness, and how the two together can literally change someone’s life.
Several years ago, I would guess about 2018, I met with someone interested in the anti-human trafficking movement who requested a meeting with me. Let’s call her, Jane Doe (I know, I lose points in creativity here, but just stick with me!). When Jane and I met, I immediately recognized her from about 20 years earlier in middle school. When we introduced ourselves and sat down, I said to her, “hey, aren’t you Jane Doe?!” She looked at me, shocked and a little embarrassed/uncomfortable and responded with, “yeah, but how do you know me and know my last name? I haven’t used that last name in a very long time.” I explained to her that I knew her from middle school prior to her moving. She told me she was surprised I remembered her, and she went on to explain she felt unlikeable and that no one really saw her. She then talked about a basketball game she saw me at after she had moved…”Hey, are you the Melissa who looked at me, smiled and waved, and said Hi Jane at that basketball game?”…
After we reminisced on that moment from 20 years prior, we went on to talk about why she moved away and changed her last name, and some of the trauma in her life at that time.

The point of this short story is not to give myself a pat-on-the-back or any kudos. It’s to show the power of words, literally one word…hi. HI. Just simply acknowledging someone with one word made them feel seen, likeable, and a moment worth remembering. We talked about how that moment impacted her, which shocked me, because it did not feel like I did much.
She remembered that moment. We both remembered that moment. It was 20 years ago, and she remembered me, a middle schooler, just smiling and using the word hi. During that time in her life, she felt invisible, unimportant, and abused. She did not have friends or a healthy support system, and simply having someone display kindness towards her with a simple “hi” made such an impact on her life that 20 years later she still randomly remembered some girl named Melissa showing her kindness at a basketball game.

Our meeting, which was supposed to be about anti-trafficking work, impacted the both of us in ways we did not expect, and we were purposefully brought together again. It will always stick with me. We do not always get to know what impact our words have on people and I was grateful for the opportunity to see her again.

Long story short, do not underestimate the power of words. Not only do they convey meaning and purpose, but they are how we express ourselves to others and how we find connection. Each one of us can reflect on many times in which words hurt us, changed our lives, or made us the happiest we could have ever been. It’s important to remember those experiences and understand that it is each of our responsibilities to choose words wisely. Simply saying to someone you love them, are proud of them, care about them, believe in them, or see their potential can change their lives. And apparently, so can simply just smiling and saying hi.

Don’t ever diminish the power of words. Words move hearts, and hearts move limbs. ~

-keep shining

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Lettin’ er Go

August 20, 2022 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Let me put this bluntly; Not everyone who hurts you cares…
Ouch, that stings. I know.
And nothing is more painful or frustrating than spending our time ruminating on our hurt when we know the person who has caused it is not one bit concerned…Why don’t they care? What did I do to deserve this? I did not see this coming. Why haven’t they said sorry, or reached out? Why can’t I just let this go? Why did they hurt me?

We taint incredible life moments when we spend all our time thinking about someone irresponsibly hurting us. Thinking about why they did it, why they don’t seem to care or acknowledge…We lose sight of special moments when we focus on being befuddled by their actions, often missing out on being in the moment because we are stuck desperately trying to piece everything together to make sense of it. So why can’t we let it go, and how do we?

Here are my thoughts:

It’s hard work, and it takes a lot of discipline and patience to get yourself there. One helpful statement I came across is, “when someone has a ‘problem’ with you and they don’t come to you with it, that is not your problem”. If they do not come to you to fix that issue, that is their problem. There is nothing for you to do. If you think they are having a problem or they are acting differently, it is their responsibility to come to you. It is their issue therefore if they’re not coming to you, let it go. You are not the one with the ‘problem’ which means no sweat off your back. We often ask ourselves what we have done wrong or hypothesize how can we fix it, when it is not our issue. Can you check in with them and ask? Sure, have at it. However, try to remind yourself that the issue lies within the other involved party as this takes some weight and frustration away. It is not solely your responsibility.
Secondly, forgiveness does not have to mean you let someone off the hook for hurting you. It can simply mean you are moving forward, forgiving and releasing the pain so you do not sit in this icky space any longer. You can forgive the things that caused you pain, but you do not need to forget. You can remember how that person treated you so your future approach with them is different. For example, maybe I lend someone money who does not pay me back. I can forgive them so I do not hold onto the negative energy that does not serve a purpose to me, but you better believe I will not forget that and never loan them money again. Or perhaps you know a good friend of yours has lied to you and they are not coming clean. You may just choose not to trust them in the same way anymore and are more cautious about what you share…
We do not forget what happened, but we forgive in order to relieve ourselves of the anger. We give the other person power if we bathe in our feelings of resentment or anger. Release the energy from this and put it towards something more positive and worthy, perhaps.
Sometimes, the people in our life are just selfish. You get to decide if you want to engage with that person or not. If you understand the person well, you may know that they only want to win, and that regardless of your feelings or responses to the pain they caused you, they will still end with the upper-hand and the last word. Selfish people just want what they want, and it’s important that we identify them so we can more easily move on without letting their hurt cause us to waste our time.
I can assume you are a caring, thoughtful, and nice person, and for those of us who are, we try SO hard to make things right and struggle to cut ties. It’s a blessing and a curse to be so incredibly kind, isn’t it?
It’s hard to spot these self-centered people sometimes until we get blindsided by their actions, and it stings. Start asking yourself questions to help cut those toxic ties:
- Why would they say/do that to me?
- What is their goal?
- What do I mean to them if they are treating me this way?
- What are they getting out of this?
Sometimes people’s actions trigger us. Our past experiences and traumas, fears, wants and wishes, etc. can cause us to react more intensely to certain people or situations than what is typical for us. It’s important to recognize if this person’s actions are triggering something deeper within us so we can examine and understand that part of who we are and what we expect from those in our lives. If you find yourself really struggling to move forward from the human who mindlessly hurt you, ask yourself these questions:
- Why is this particular situation or person so difficult for me?
- What past experiences or circumstances, fears, or wants may be affecting my reaction?
- What were my expectations of this person who hurt me?
- Does this remind me of something I have been through?
Do not assume. This one, my friends, is a difficult task. How many times do we think we know that someone is upset, or their tone was off, or “gee, I clearly rubbed them the wrong way”…All to find out that nothing was wrong at all? Or what if *GASPS* their demeanor had nothing to do with you but instead a completely separate situation? Shocking! Sometimes we get so caught up in making assumptions that we forget that those assumptions are not real. Who hasn’t gone into a total tailspin of fear or anger over something they later realized they were completely wrong about? *Raises hand* Guilty.
Maybe that is the whole reason you even decided to read today’s blog; you think someone is upset with you and you are unsure what to do about it. Ask yourself these questions:
- What led me to believe they would be angry at me, or would treat me this way?
- What facts do I have; how do I know this?
Know that you deserve better. Remind yourself of all of your strengths, because they are endless. I know, this feels cringe-worthy…My gosh, how could we possibly think so kindly of ourselves?! But if we want to move past how someone treated us, we have to remind ourselves that we deserve better, and why. If that feels like a tough task to accomplish, lean on friends and family to help remind you.
Celebrating all the incredible things you bring to the table helps to empower you to move forward and be happy. Happiness is the greatest gift of this lifetime, after all, and we do not allow ourselves enough of it. We need to care more about ourselves than the people who mindlessly hurt us.
And lastly…Bye FELICIA! Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Let it hurt
Let it bleed
Let it heal
And let it go

-keep shining

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Happiness is Religion

April 13, 2021 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Life is too short.
We say this often in various situations, but how many times do we actually apply it to our lives? How often do we think about what this really means, and if we truly live by these words when we say them?

My mom and I were having a discussion about this recently, and she said something that had a great impact on me. In talking about the life-is-too-short mentality, we focused in on the concept of happiness. Within this conversation, she said, “You should always strive for happiness. What gives you peace, what fills your bucket and brings you joy? Everything flows with that. We get distracted with so much of our life. Happiness should be our top priority, it’s why we are here. This is our biggest calling and it’s how we become our best selves; by putting ourselves first… Live in your happiness, and be happiness. Happiness is my religion.”

First of all, now you see why I tell everyone my mother is my free therapist. I wrote down her words of wisdom that day and have reflected back on them ever since. I reread them, smile (because of how uplifting and true this is), apply this mindset to my day, and focus on happiness being the upmost purpose of my world.

Within this uplifting conversation, my mom and I both expressed our frustration when people, including ourselves, settle in life… We settle in jobs, relationships, situations, lifestyles or locations. We sacrifice our happiness a lot, and after looking back on this conversation, I believe there are two reasons why: fear and pain.

We sit in unhappiness. We wait for it to change, and we avoid what needs to happen to transition into a space that we know and feel will make us happier. We wait for the feelings to dissipate and convince ourselves it isn’t that bad, because being unhappy in our everyday ‘normal’ feels safer than stepping into the unknown. Putting ourselves first and advocating for our own happiness can sometimes come with change. We fear change, we run from it because it feels unsafe and risky. We focus more on the process rather than the end goal of where it leads. We fear the period of growth and prefer sitting in what we know doesn’t bring us the joy we deserve.
We also do not want pain for others. Putting ourselves first sometimes comes at a price of ‘causing’ pain for someone. I have learned a lot recently about not taking on other people’s pain as my own; that my decisions may affect people, but their reaction is not my responsibility.
It is okay to put yourself first, speak your truth, and not take on the pain of someone else who does not approve of your decision to find your happy-place. Your attitude and effort is all you can control, and wrong does not exist here. Unhappiness cannot exist in the space of a great attitude and the effort you put into finding yourself, because you decided to choose happiness. You decided that your joy takes precedent over feeling badly for someone’s reaction to it.

Listen to that little voice that wants more, feels more, and knows that there are things you could change to be happier. And again, isn’t that our ultimate goal? What is really stopping you? Why wouldn’t you want what you can have, if it will bring you the joy you deserve?

There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy…And it’s about being able to let go of what makes you sad. This comes from our own actions and self-accountability. I find that when I strive for happiness, I allow myself to feel the fear and accept that it may be there. I accept the fear, grief, and impact it may have on others. But I also have confidence in that allowing myself to take it on head first has opened up so many more doors of opportunity for me. When I follow my heart, I am never mislead. It can feel scary, and some people have experienced pain from my decisions. But I learned not to let it stop me. I cannot live for other people’s comfort over my own. I cannot control their emotions and reaction to my own personal decisions, and neither can you… You cannot live your entire life for other people.
And you know what else I have learned? It always ends up making sense, and I believe that. We are the best versions of ourselves when we are happy. I view happiness as a spiritual experience that comes with appreciation, love, grace, and patience. Happiness does not mean perfection, it’s a state of mind you choose. And why not choose it? There is no end game, it’s an ongoing journey.
It’s your ongoing journey.

Choosing happiness alters your state of mind. When you view things from the lens of I-am-going-to-be-happy-today, you see things as such. Even on a rough day, you see the beauty and purpose in that knowing happiness is on the other side. Everything we experience has purpose if we let it. If we go through life dreading and complaining, we miss opportunities to see why those tough days exist. Without tough days, we would not experience the highs of happiness. We can still see through the current moment and have faith that our joy is right around the corner, because it is.

You should always strive for happiness. What gives you peace, what fills your bucket and brings you joy? Everything flows with that. We get distracted with so much of our life. Happiness should be our top priority, it’s why we are here. This is our biggest calling and it’s how we become our best selves; by putting ourselves first… Live in your happiness, and be happiness. Happiness is my religion.

-keep shining

(If you want more happy things in your world, check out the Happy Things Thursday section of my blog.)

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When you love yourself…

August 29, 2020 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

You smile more often
Your taste in people will change
You say no
You do not listen to outside opinions
Your confidence is your best friend
Your success matters more than how much you weigh
You are less stressed
You focus on your purpose
You understand your passions
You see the world through a positive lens
You are less judgmental
You gain self awareness
You leave toxic relationships behind
You are grateful for the little things
You trust the process
You do not let the expectations of others define you
You put yourself first
Your mindset evolves
Your values and goals begin to change
You are able to be vulnerable
You set boundaries
Your self care becomes a priority
You see yourself for you who are
You seek more opportunities
You learn to accept helpful criticism and apply it
You prioritize the health of your body and soul
You love unconditionally
You are living

-keep shining
(Click here to learn how to celebrate yourself)

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COVID-19, ever heard of it?

April 7, 2020 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

What a crazy time to be alive, huh? There are many unknowns, new experiences, unanswered questions, and societal shifts. Everything we are currently experiencing will have a substantial impact on society, and it clearly already has. We are stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, and scared. And isn’t it fascinating, and disturbing, how much people’s behavior changes when motivated by fear? The amount of chaos that is felt, uncertainty, and lack of control is enough to send anyone over the edge, and sometimes fear can come out in confusing and unfortunate ways.

It’s an interesting shift for us all right now in many of the same ways, as well as having our own variety of differences…New perspective on our lives, raw and deep conversations, different ways of planning and viewing the world and our priorities. And regardless all of this chaos and uncertainty, I keep coming back to one primary thought and focus; how beautiful this experience is. Literally, an entire world going through the same hardship together. What I have encountered with this pandemic is another level of vulnerability that’s being discovered between us that I have never felt before. It’s created more open and honest conversations with ourselves and those around us. It’s created the ability to witness our communities coming together in powerful and impactful ways. It has taught us to learn technology in new ways and review outdated work policies to create a healthier work environment. And it’s provided for time on our hands we didn’t know could exist.

Of course, we want to be aware of the suffering, confusion, and fear this brings into many people’s lives. And also be aware that not everyone has the ability to work from home, still have an income, or afford the financial burden and additional life barriers this creates. Yet we can also embrace the unique positives this has to offer. COVID-19 has simplified our lives for a moment, it has provided an opportunity to appreciate life, and has renewed our love for the communities we live in…As we have to endure this pandemic no matter our feelings and experiences with the situation, how can we use it to our benefit? COVID-19 is clearly out of our control, for the most part, so what can we do to find the beauty in the experience? We might as well view the positive side too and change our mindset, as we have no choice but to endure this until it subsides.

Personally, one thing I’ve come to realize through this is how little peace I have in my life. I am constantly on the go and distracted with intensity seeping into every inch of my life. I distract myself constantly with my daily routine, not allowing time for quiet or self reflection, or not giving time to things that truly matter in my life. As a human race, this pandemic has forced us to be alone, or constantly be with family, or not work at all or work from home…These situations can all be incredible opportunities if we choose to use them.

What house projects have you had to put off because of work, or quality time you’ve wanted to spend with your family that never seemed to take priority, or hobbies you have been meaning to start or pick back up? What tedious work tasks can you take time to focus on? What are ways you can give back to your community in a time of need? Hint: NOW IS THE TIME TO DO IT ALL.
Even though I’m still working from home full time, not having those additional tasks at work, not running around for my daily errands, and not attending social events, there is this extra quiet time during my day that I am taking advantage of…This is simplifying pieces of my life. I even forced myself to binge Netflix the other day without feeling guilty about it, and I’ve never done that before! (Damn you, Tiger King). I also picked up a book I stopped reading, I workout in silence, I spend more time FaceTiming friends and family and discovered I listen better. I’m more calm and go with the flow as everything around us seems to be out of our control, and I see the world a little differently now. I have rediscovered my love for cooking and baking. And as much as I hate running, I’ve been jogging outside and spending more time in nature than I ever had ‘time’ for. I have also seen more teenagers outdoors than usual, and it’s incredible to see the creativity that has been produced through this. Whether projects at home with the family, unique ways to work out, or ideas for continuing to ‘see’ our friends and family, the amount of love, creativity, humor, and community togetherness I have felt is something I do not think we could experience outside of this pandemic. And it is the only time in our lives (hopefully) that something of this nature will occur. There are pieces of this that are pretty incredible, and a rare opportunity to take advantage of…

Think of all the seemingly small things we take for granted and how it is all being put into perspective; running to the store and choosing items from stocked shelves, grabbing a beer with friends, seeing coworkers every day and having a stable job, going to the gym, just breathing without assuming you’re sick, and ultimately living life the way we know it to be. I’m hopeful that all of this helps us become who we always strived to be, whether that’s being more family oriented, or crafty, or facing our deepest fears and insecurities, or calling loved ones more often. Seeing the typically small things for big things right now because it brings us joy, whereas before these small things were overlooked with the busyness of our lives. The beauty of it all is what we can take away from this, if we choose. We can choose to face our fears and potential realities, we will heal and grieve together, we may dream bigger or live simpler after this, and we will move forward and be okay. And someday, this can be a time we choose to reminisce about and think, “what a fascinating and beautiful time it was to be alive”.

What does this experience create an opportunity for? That is the ultimate gift.

We are all in this together ~

-keep shining
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Tag: love (Page 1 of 4)

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