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Tag: love life (Page 1 of 11)

Boundaries or Brick Walls?

We love a good boundary—especially because we know how hard they are to set in the first place. Boundaries are growth. Boundaries are healing. But if we’re being really honest… sometimes what we call a “boundary” is just a nicely worded way of saying, “No thanks, I don’t trust people anymore.” Or, “I’ve been burned too many times to let anyone in.” A wall with polite grammar is still a wall. Statements like these sound wise, maybe even empowered, but deep down it’s not always about peace—it’s about protection.

And while it might start as a survival strategy, it can quietly become a pattern of isolation we forget how to undo. We stop letting people get close—not because we’ve healed, but because we’re still afraid. We call it a boundary, but really, it’s a brick wall we’ve learned to live behind. We tell ourselves we are “protecting our energy”, but is that really the case?

This doesn’t just show up in our personal lives—it happens at work, too. Maybe you’ve been talked over in meetings one too many times, or trusted the wrong person with the right idea, and now your “boundary” is silence. Maybe you’ve been carrying more than your share for far too long and burnout has crept in—so now, pulling back feels like the only option. You start declining invites, turning off your camera, or keeping things surface-level. And frankly, you’re exhausted.

And that’s where boundaries get tricky: the intention might be care and self-preservation, but the impact can be disconnection.


✦ Wall or Boundary?

On the surface, they can look the same. But there’s a difference in the why behind them.

  • A boundary is rooted in self-awareness, communication, and a desire for healthy connection.
  • A brick wall is built from fear, past wounds, and a need for control or self-protection at all costs.

One brings peace. The other brings isolation.


✦ Why We Build Walls (and When That’s Okay)

All walls aren’t inherently bad; they can be necessary and warranted. Walls protect you during times where we are just trying to survive out here.

When you’ve seen too much, been overworked, dismissed, manipulated, gaslit, or walked all over, a wall can be a lifeline. It’s a “Do Not Disturb” sign when your nervous system is fried, personally or professionally.

But here’s the thing: walls are meant to be temporary and situational, rather than a full-on brick wall that is applied to all aspects of life. What protects you during survival mode can start to isolate you in healing mode. And that’s when you need to pause and check in:

  • Is this still serving me?
  • What is the actual purpose?
  • Does this wall prevent harm – or connection?
  • Is it keeping me from being successful, present, or fully seen?

✦ Brick Walls in Disguise

Typically, walls sound like:

  • “I just tend to shut down when I am overwhelmed.”
  • “I cut people out at times. It’s a me thing, not you.”
  • “I just cut people off when they act up. No time for nonsense.”
  • “I’m busy. Always. Perpetually busy.”
  • “People always leave, so I don’t get close anymore.”

These may feel empowering and self-respecting in the moment, but often, it is an avoidance strategy. It feels easier and safer. And while boundaries say, “I care about this connection enough to show up honestly within my limits” walls say, “Nope, I’m out.”


✦ So What Is a Boundary, Really?

A boundary says:

  • “I value this relationship enough to be clear about what I need.”
  • “Here’s how I can stay regulated and connected to myself while still being in relationship with you.”
  • “I’m not punishing you—I’m protecting my peace and letting you know how to be part of my life in a healthy way.”
  • “I love and appreciate my work, but I am more effective when I set limits.”

Boundaries require clarity, conversation, and vulnerability.
Walls require nothing—because they don’t allow anyone close enough to listen anyway.


✦ When Brick Walls Turn Into Shame

Sometimes, our brick walls aren’t just about fear. Brick walls can turn into guilt, leading to shame and pushing us further into isolation.
We feel guilt for needing space from our jobs. Guilt for not showing up for those we care about. Guilt for not being “over it” already…
…Shame for not feeling grateful enough, healed enough, “chill” enough. Not feeling ready enough to re-engage; ready enough to work harder.

And so, instead of setting clear boundaries with honesty and compassion, we ghost. We vanish. We overcompensate or shut down. We develop unhealthy coping strategies. We try to protect ourselves, but at the cost of connection and the ability for others to depend on us.

The guilt that comes with setting boundaries is real. I’ve had to unlearn the idea that needing space means I’m letting people down—because loving others and loving my work doesn’t mean I have to be available 24/7.
That’s especially tricky when your profession revolves around caring for others… and you have a deeply ingrained habit of over-functioning and people-pleasing (me!). But I’ve learned that setting healthy boundaries doesn’t make me less committed—it actually helps me stay present instead of disappearing or spiraling.

Still, I check in with myself:
Is this boundary giving me space to breathe… or is it a wall I’ve built to avoid something?


✦ How to Know Which One You’re Building

Ask yourself:

  • Does this create more peace or just distance?
  • Am I avoiding a conversation I need to have—with others or myself?
  • Is this coming from my healed self… or my hurt one?
  • Am I protecting my peace or avoiding something?
  • If I could guarantee my safety, would I show up differently? (re-read this one three more times)

Sometimes a wall can feel like a win—because you don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t feel misunderstood, and you create a reason not to show up. But healing doesn’t happen in isolation; you can’t grow when you avoid.


Walls are easier. Boundaries are braver.

Walls say: “I’ve been hurt, and I won’t let that happen again.”
Boundaries say: “I’ve been hurt, and I’m learning how to be safe while staying connected to myself, my job, and others.”

It’s okay to have a season of walls. But don’t forget you deserve to live a life where you can breathe, connect, and trust again.

Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is – and how to knock respectfully. ~

-keep shining
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New Wins, Old Worries

So, you finally get the thing you asked for…

The job.
The relationship.
The move.
The baby.
The opportunity.

The version of life you once laid in bed praying for, aching for, fighting for.

And suddenly… you notice something unexpected.

Maybe you’re not as happy as you thought you’d be.
Or you feel oddly anxious, unsettled, heavy.
Like something isn’t quite right, but you can’t put your finger on it.

You start to question everything:
Am I good enough for this?
What if I mess it up?
Do I even deserve this?
Is this really what I wanted?

And then comes the mental spiral—the relentless reel playing in your head:
Did I say too much in that meeting?
Should I have worded that email differently?
Do they think I’m too much? Too quiet? Not enough?
Am I in over my head?
Did I make a mistake? Do I regret this?

You overanalyze. You replay every interaction. You carry invisible weight on your shoulders, trying to make sense of it all.

And just when you think you’ve hit your breaking point, that voice shows up—the shame whisper:
“You should feel grateful. This is what you wanted, remember?”

If we are being honest, getting what you wanted doesn’t always feel the way you thought it would…And that is okay. Sometimes we hit milestones or reach goals and still feel… off. You think you should feel proud, accomplished, grateful. And maybe you do — but underneath that? A tight chest. Second-guessing. Impostor syndrome. A weird ache you can’t explain.

You’re not broken. You’re not ungrateful. You’re just human.

You can want something deeply and still feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of it.
You can be grateful and terrified at the same time.
You can step into the life you asked for and still find yourself grieving the version you left behind—the one with more sleep, fewer expectations, less pressure, more space.

“Sometimes the greatest thing you can do is sit with your discomfort and not let it define you.”

Sometimes overthinking becomes the way we try to manage that discomfort.
We micromanage what we say, how we show up, how we’re perceived—anything to feel a bit more in control. And when we’re not picking apart ourselves, we start picking apart the situation, the people, the possibilities, the worst-case scenarios.

I think this is where we get stuck:
We don’t always realize when we’ve moved from processing into spiraling. Or we avoid as much as possible and aren’t honest with ourselves; we start to feel pretty lonely.

At first, it starts small—just a few second guesses here and there. But when we keep stuffing those thoughts down (avoid) because we feel ashamed, or ungrateful, or embarrassed, they start to fester. Maybe we’re afraid to admit that something doesn’t feel quite right, that it’s harder than expected, or that it’s simply not what we imagined. Maybe being honest feels scary—because honesty makes it real.

Here’s what I’ve learned (and get slapped in the face with every once in a while):


Let’s talk about that title for a second.

New Wins, Old Worries.
When you really sit with it, “old worries” might not be entirely accurate. The worries aren’t always old in the literal sense — they might be new reactions to new roles, or evolved anxieties showing up in familiar patterns. But what does feel old is the cycle: the self-doubt, the overthinking, the pressure to feel only gratitude.

And often, that “old worry” is guilt. Or shame.
The stuff we’ve been conditioned to feel anytime our gratitude isn’t loud enough to silence our struggle.
The message we absorb — sometimes subtly, sometimes directly — is: If you’re lucky, you shouldn’t feel anything but lucky.

So while the specifics may be fresh, the emotional experience has a “here we go again” familiarity.

Overthinking is often a sneaky form of self-protection.
It gives us the illusion of control. We think that if we replay something enough times, we can prevent future pain or dissect where it went wrong. But really, we’re just reinforcing our fear and causing unnecessary stress. All of this ruminating becomes pretty exhausting and time consuming.

The transition into something new is harder than people admit.
You don’t just snap into your new role or identity overnight. There’s an adjustment period—an awkward, tender in-between filled with discomfort, doubt, and identity shifts. There’s even grief—because even good things bring change, and change brings loss.

Feeling conflicted doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful.
You’re allowed to hold multiple truths at once. You can feel proud and panicked, excited and exhausted, fulfilled and still quietly wondering what comes next. Human emotions are messy and layered. Let them be.

Sometimes, your brain is just trying to keep you safe.
If you’ve experienced trauma or instability, joy might feel like a setup. You brace for disappointment because that’s what you’ve been conditioned to expect. And in that tension, self-sabotage can sneak in—we’d rather blow it up ourselves than wait for it to fall apart. At least then, we’re in “control”.

You’re not on everyone else’s mind as much as you think.
Seriously. They’ve moved on from that moment. You can too. And if they haven’t? That’s about them. Life gets a little lighter when you stop making yourself small just to fit inside someone else’s opinion. You don’t owe anyone a performance, but you do owe it to yourself to take up space in your own life—to prioritize your peace, your needs, your growth.

The problem isn’t the thought—it’s what we do with it.
It’s okay to have a weird, anxious, uncertain thought. But the second we start thinking about our thought – dissecting it, assigning meaning to it, and making it mean something about who we are… that’s when we spiral. Thoughts aren’t facts. They’re not predictions. They’re just thoughts. Let them pass through you, not define you.


So What Can You Do?

Name it. (sometimes, even out loud)
“This is fear talking.”
“This is overthinking.”
“This is my brain trying to protect me.”
Labeling the experience gives us a bit of distance. It disarms the story.

Get out of your head and into your body.
Move. Stretch. Breathe. Step outside. Drink some damn water. Interrupt the spiral.

Talk it out.
Say the thing out loud to someone safe. Sometimes all it takes is hearing yourself to realize the thought doesn’t have power over you anymore or that is okay to be honest. Talking it through with someone supportive in your life can bring some relief, clarity and comfort.

And remember:
You are not behind, you are not wrong, you are not a bad person.

Transitions are tender. They are messy and hard and beautiful. They force us to meet ourselves in a new way. That process is sacred. Let it take the time it needs.

You didn’t make a mistake. Maybe it’s not what you imagined, but that doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice. Every experience—yes, even this one—is a teacher. Let it shape you. Let it stretch you. Let it clarify what you want next.

Be kind to past-you. That version of you who wanted this? They believed in your ability to carry it. Maybe it’s not what you pictured, but you made it here. You kept going. Give yourself grace.

So yeah—maybe you’re overthinking.
Maybe you’re struggling to enjoy the very thing you once begged for.
Maybe you’re quietly wondering why it doesn’t feel easier, better, more fulfilling.

But please remember this:

You’re not broken.
You’re not ungrateful.
You’re not the only one.

You’re just human, adjusting to the weight of growth.

Take a deep breath.
Feel it.
Let it pass.

And when in doubt—come back to the present.
There’s still life happening here, too.


“Becoming isn’t easy. It’s just worth it.”

-keep shining
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Happy Things Thursday

  • When happy hour hits on a Friday.
  • A direct flight.
  • When a stranger taps you kindly to say you’ve dropped something.
  • An encore at a concert.
  • Discovering a flawless seashell at the beach.
  • Pulling into a full parking spot just as someone else is leaving.
  • Catching sight of an elderly couple holding hands.
  • When someone notices a small task you did quietly and takes a moment to say thank you.
  • That oddly satisfying feeling of getting a rogue popcorn kernel unstuck from your teeth.
  • The unexpected joy of an upgrade — whether it’s a rental car, an airplane seat, or just your day.


    -keep shining
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Life=Math, Math=Life

Math = EEEEEW. I hate math, in fact, all social workers hate math. And often times social workers say they just, flat-out, refuse to do math. But, a few months ago, I had a fulfilling conversation with a friend and family member that has stuck with me. We discussed a concept of life being like math, as you add, subtract, multiply, and divide. We can either add to the world, subtract from the world, multiply the world, or divide it.
And we cannot move ahead in life without solving the problem in front of us…A solution exists somewhere and it is up to us to appreciate patience, learn the skill, and solve the problem before we can move forward.
It is a simple and obvious concept, but I find that sometimes the most obvious motivators and solutions need to be said out loud…Who do you want to be? Do you want to add positivity to the world, do you want to take away from it, do you want to multiply the impact you have on the world, or do you want to divide the world? Do you want to find solutions, or cheat your way through? Who are you now, and who do you want to be?

During the conversation I was having with these two insightful individuals, we discussed the connection between the math concept and being present in life and opportunity. When we open our eyes to our surroundings, we constantly have opportunity knocking at our doors. It is up to us to recognize it and decide if we take a leap of faith, or if we live in our every day normal.

Although these two concepts seem very different, they are related. Our ability to multiply and add to the world enhances our ability to understand and see faith in taking leaps and recognizing opportunity. What is life if we do not try new things, if we do not step out of our comfort zone, and what impact could we have if we change our attitudes and behaviors? In order to live life fully and be open to opportunity, we have to understand our impact on the world; what we add to it, or what we wish to add.

When I am fearful and hesitant to take a leap of faith or step out of my comfort zone, the first thing I ask myself is, what is the worst thing that could happen? I allow myself to go there; to the most fearful and risky part of the situation. I play that out, and then I find the solution to that problem, should it happen. Because even in the worst of times, we have proven to ourselves that we can get through it, as we are all still here, right? In the worst of times, we have pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps and gotten through it.

I promised myself I would always explore the opportunity in front of me, go to the worst-case scenario, find the solution to that and ask myself if it is worth the risk. I evaluate my options and ask myself how I want to feel at the end of this rainbow…Would I rather have tried and maybe failed, to at least know the outcome? Would I rather take the chance of exploring the opportunity knowing it is where my heart truly is, and if I fail I have a higher faith in knowing it was all meant to be? Or do I live in my current situation, not ever and potentially always wondering what could have been?
The choice is up to you and what is most comfortable, which is the beauty of choice.

Life is about opportunity, exploration, and happiness. We are not meant to stay within a box of ‘societal norms’ and expectations we put on ourselves. Life is about learning, enjoying, and exploring. It is about taking risks and learning lessons, or taking risks and multiplying our impact when we find that the risk was worth it.

Speak your truth, and do not apologize for being exactly who you are. Change brings opportunity. Success comes from taking opportunities and taking that chance. We can create the right opportunity to add to our lives.

If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity, but you are not sure you can do it, say yes, then learn how to do it later. ~

-Keep shining

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Running on Empty

Have you ever been afraid of stopping because you don’t know if you’ll ever be able to get back up?
Yeah, me too. It’s called distraction, anxiety, fear, avoidance, whatever it is that you are scared to face if you just stop…To stop means to rest, and when we rest we are flooded with the thoughts and responsibilities that we put on the back burner. And once we recognize the thoughts and responsibilities we avoid, we then know we have to either do something about them or let it eat up space in our brains. The busyness allows us to excuse the need to make changes. And conversely, because we are constantly on the go, there is a fear that we may enjoy the stopping and are unsure how to pick back up again once we allow ourselves to come down from all the chaos. We fear enjoying the breather, because what happens when we have to pick back up again and be who everyone expects us to? It can feel terrifying to allow ourselves to be relaxed and happy when we think it is temporary.
COVID has exacerbated this process as it has forced us to stop, which I think is part of the reason we are seeing an increase in people’s deterioration of mental health, and/or breakthroughs and realizations.  COVID has forced us to pause parts of our lives and face the reality of why we kept running on empty for so long…

We have to start seeing our reality for what it is. There is no magic wand that will make what is not working start miraculously working. When we constantly run, we think we are outrunning our reality when we are really just avoiding and prolonging the inevitable. The inevitable may be coming to terms with fears of being alone, or starting over, not yet finding our purpose, knowing we need to stand up for ourselves, or not being happy with our current situation. The inevitable may also be needing to leave a job or a relationship, telling someone no, hurting someone’s feelings, making a decision that impacts others…The list goes on and on.

Recognize and appreciate hopelessness. I know this sounds silly, but once we are honest with ourselves and realize something is hopeless, we start to make changes because we know we have to. We can start becoming the person we know we are and strive to be…Once we release what is hopeless, we can put our focus on what is important now. Do not miss out on current potential because you’re avoiding change and holding onto what is hopeless.

Find balance. This is hard to do. People like to talk about self care as some fluffy term for drinking wine and taking baths. In reality, self care is discipline and coming to terms with your own sh*t. It is creating a work/life balance, and putting your needs first sometimes. It is having honest conversations with yourself, spending time alone with your thoughts, and then dealing with whatever it is you find.
You have to enjoy your life and the fluffy things, but you also need to hold yourself accountable, set boundaries, and take care of your body. Do not underestimate the power of proper exercise, diet, water intake, and sleep.
One exercise I recommend is “what is on your plate”. Draw a big circle and inside of it write down everything that is currently on your plate. On the outside of the plate, write down all of the things you want on your plate that you do not make time for. Then try to figure out how to rearrange it all…What are things you can take off your plate whether letting them go or delegating to someone else? What can you replace those things with that you want on your plate, such as more alone time, going to the gym, picking up a hobby, or focusing on an important relationship you’ve neglected? Just see what little things you can start to incorporate while simultaneously removing some of those hopeless responsibilities or random tasks that someone else can take on.

There are a lot of answers held within our bodies. Aches and pains and constant problem areas are usually telling us to pay attention to our somatic symptoms, as our emotional state directly correlates with our bodies. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, and body aches/pains and sensations are all connected; they all have influence over each other. The self care piece of this is to take time to do a body scan, discover and pay attention to problem areas, and then work through them. For example, lately I have had several headaches and stomach cramps. I know this is directly related to feeling frustrated and stressed, as I have come to realize that I clench my jaw when I am overwhelmed with things that frustrate me and cause me to feel stuck. Clenching my jaw gives me a headache which is my indicator that I am overwhelmed and distracted with intrusive thoughts. These thoughts give me stomach cramps because they make me anxious.
Moral of the story; do not ignore your body and simply accept the aches/pains, because it is truly trying to tell you something. Also, pay attention to when your body feels relieved and relaxed, and incorporate more of what causes those positive sensations into your life.

Communication with someone you trust is key. There is nothing more revitalizing than staying connected to others. Tell people how you feel, and use your support system when you need it. When we run on empty, typically the relationships we want the most suffer because we prioritize work and life stressors over them, thus becoming additionally stressed because we know we are neglecting those people. Do not let yourself lose those that mean the most to you because you prioritize the things that overwhelm you. Even if all you have time for that day is a phone call while driving to/from the gym or for five minutes before bed, find time for the people who make you feel good.
Also be sure you are choosing positive connections for communication. If we reach out to someone who is typically negative or toxic, this will not help uplift us when we are overwhelmed. Find people who are a positive impact on you, hold you accountable, are trustworthy, and support your life.

Silence is eye opening. I have said it before and I will say it again, add more silence to your life! We use noise as a filler to further distract ourselves when running on empty. Drive to/from work in silence, turn off the tv when you aren’t watching it, don’t listen to music when you shower…add in small bits of silence every day. This is when we can start to come to terms with what is draining us, what we are avoiding, what we are missing out on, and what it is we want for our lives. This is also where we get to know ourselves, and ensure we are checking in to put our happiness and goals at the forefront of our decisions. And doesn’t that sound nice?

“Every human has four endowments – self awareness, conscience, independent will, and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom…The power to chose, to respond, to change.” 

-keep shining

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