Tag: mindfulness (Page 1 of 10)

New Wins, Old Worries

May 25, 2025 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

So, you finally get the thing you asked for…

The job.
The relationship.
The move.
The baby.
The opportunity.

The version of life you once laid in bed praying for, aching for, fighting for.

And suddenly… you notice something unexpected.

Maybe you’re not as happy as you thought you’d be.
Or you feel oddly anxious, unsettled, heavy.
Like something isn’t quite right, but you can’t put your finger on it.

You start to question everything:
Am I good enough for this?
What if I mess it up?
Do I even deserve this?
Is this really what I wanted?

And then comes the mental spiral—the relentless reel playing in your head:
Did I say too much in that meeting?
Should I have worded that email differently?
Do they think I’m too much? Too quiet? Not enough?
Am I in over my head?
Did I make a mistake? Do I regret this?

You overanalyze. You replay every interaction. You carry invisible weight on your shoulders, trying to make sense of it all.

And just when you think you’ve hit your breaking point, that voice shows up—the shame whisper:
“You should feel grateful. This is what you wanted, remember?”

If we are being honest, getting what you wanted doesn’t always feel the way you thought it would…And that is okay. Sometimes we hit milestones or reach goals and still feel… off. You think you should feel proud, accomplished, grateful. And maybe you do — but underneath that? A tight chest. Second-guessing. Impostor syndrome. A weird ache you can’t explain.

You’re not broken. You’re not ungrateful. You’re just human.

You can want something deeply and still feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of it.
You can be grateful and terrified at the same time.
You can step into the life you asked for and still find yourself grieving the version you left behind—the one with more sleep, fewer expectations, less pressure, more space.

“Sometimes the greatest thing you can do is sit with your discomfort and not let it define you.”

Sometimes overthinking becomes the way we try to manage that discomfort.
We micromanage what we say, how we show up, how we’re perceived—anything to feel a bit more in control. And when we’re not picking apart ourselves, we start picking apart the situation, the people, the possibilities, the worst-case scenarios.

I think this is where we get stuck:
We don’t always realize when we’ve moved from processing into spiraling. Or we avoid as much as possible and aren’t honest with ourselves; we start to feel pretty lonely.

At first, it starts small—just a few second guesses here and there. But when we keep stuffing those thoughts down (avoid) because we feel ashamed, or ungrateful, or embarrassed, they start to fester. Maybe we’re afraid to admit that something doesn’t feel quite right, that it’s harder than expected, or that it’s simply not what we imagined. Maybe being honest feels scary—because honesty makes it real.

Here’s what I’ve learned (and get slapped in the face with every once in a while):

Let’s talk about that title for a second.

New Wins, Old Worries.
When you really sit with it, “old worries” might not be entirely accurate. The worries aren’t always old in the literal sense — they might be new reactions to new roles, or evolved anxieties showing up in familiar patterns. But what does feel old is the cycle: the self-doubt, the overthinking, the pressure to feel only gratitude.

And often, that “old worry” is guilt. Or shame.
The stuff we’ve been conditioned to feel anytime our gratitude isn’t loud enough to silence our struggle.
The message we absorb — sometimes subtly, sometimes directly — is: If you’re lucky, you shouldn’t feel anything but lucky.

So while the specifics may be fresh, the emotional experience has a “here we go again” familiarity.

Overthinking is often a sneaky form of self-protection.
It gives us the illusion of control. We think that if we replay something enough times, we can prevent future pain or dissect where it went wrong. But really, we’re just reinforcing our fear and causing unnecessary stress. All of this ruminating becomes pretty exhausting and time consuming.

The transition into something new is harder than people admit.
You don’t just snap into your new role or identity overnight. There’s an adjustment period—an awkward, tender in-between filled with discomfort, doubt, and identity shifts. There’s even grief—because even good things bring change, and change brings loss.

Feeling conflicted doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful.
You’re allowed to hold multiple truths at once. You can feel proud and panicked, excited and exhausted, fulfilled and still quietly wondering what comes next. Human emotions are messy and layered. Let them be.

Sometimes, your brain is just trying to keep you safe.
If you’ve experienced trauma or instability, joy might feel like a setup. You brace for disappointment because that’s what you’ve been conditioned to expect. And in that tension, self-sabotage can sneak in—we’d rather blow it up ourselves than wait for it to fall apart. At least then, we’re in “control”.

You’re not on everyone else’s mind as much as you think.
Seriously. They’ve moved on from that moment. You can too. And if they haven’t? That’s about them. Life gets a little lighter when you stop making yourself small just to fit inside someone else’s opinion. You don’t owe anyone a performance, but you do owe it to yourself to take up space in your own life—to prioritize your peace, your needs, your growth.

The problem isn’t the thought—it’s what we do with it.
It’s okay to have a weird, anxious, uncertain thought. But the second we start thinking about our thought – dissecting it, assigning meaning to it, and making it mean something about who we are… that’s when we spiral. Thoughts aren’t facts. They’re not predictions. They’re just thoughts. Let them pass through you, not define you.

So What Can You Do?

Name it. (sometimes, even out loud)
“This is fear talking.”
“This is overthinking.”
“This is my brain trying to protect me.”
Labeling the experience gives us a bit of distance. It disarms the story.

Get out of your head and into your body.
Move. Stretch. Breathe. Step outside. Drink some damn water. Interrupt the spiral.

Talk it out.
Say the thing out loud to someone safe. Sometimes all it takes is hearing yourself to realize the thought doesn’t have power over you anymore or that is okay to be honest. Talking it through with someone supportive in your life can bring some relief, clarity and comfort.

And remember:
You are not behind, you are not wrong, you are not a bad person.

Transitions are tender. They are messy and hard and beautiful. They force us to meet ourselves in a new way. That process is sacred. Let it take the time it needs.

You didn’t make a mistake. Maybe it’s not what you imagined, but that doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice. Every experience—yes, even this one—is a teacher. Let it shape you. Let it stretch you. Let it clarify what you want next.

Be kind to past-you. That version of you who wanted this? They believed in your ability to carry it. Maybe it’s not what you pictured, but you made it here. You kept going. Give yourself grace.

So yeah—maybe you’re overthinking.
Maybe you’re struggling to enjoy the very thing you once begged for.
Maybe you’re quietly wondering why it doesn’t feel easier, better, more fulfilling.

But please remember this:

You’re not broken.
You’re not ungrateful.
You’re not the only one.

You’re just human, adjusting to the weight of growth.

Take a deep breath.
Feel it.
Let it pass.

And when in doubt—come back to the present.
There’s still life happening here, too.

“Becoming isn’t easy. It’s just worth it.”

-keep shining
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Happy Things Thursday

April 24, 2025 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

When happy hour hits on a Friday.
A direct flight.
When a stranger taps you kindly to say you’ve dropped something.
An encore at a concert.
Discovering a flawless seashell at the beach.
Pulling into a full parking spot just as someone else is leaving.
Catching sight of an elderly couple holding hands.
When someone notices a small task you did quietly and takes a moment to say thank you.
That oddly satisfying feeling of getting a rogue popcorn kernel unstuck from your teeth.
The unexpected joy of an upgrade — whether it’s a rental car, an airplane seat, or just your day.

-keep shining
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Observe vs. Absorb

March 9, 2025 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling emotionally drained, like you’ve taken on someone else’s stress, anger, or sadness? If you’re in a helping profession, a leadership role, or even just a deeply empathetic person, this experience is probably all too familiar.

Recently, my therapist shared a concept with me that hit home in a big way: Observe vs. Absorb. As someone who has always carried the weight of others’ emotions, taken on guilt that isn’t mine, and felt responsible for everyone else’s happiness—often at the expense of my own—this idea challenged the way I show up for others and, more importantly, for myself.

At its core, this concept is about how we engage with the emotions of those around us. Instead of absorbing their feelings—internalizing their stress, frustration, or sadness—we can observe them. When we absorb, we make their emotions our own, often leading to defensiveness, burnout, or misplaced guilt. But when we observe, we create space to understand, validate, and respond with clarity rather than reaction.

And as my therapist put it, “You don’t take in ANYTHING that belongs to someone else, and no matter how big and bad their storm is raging- you just hold fast as a safe space.”

Why We Absorb

For many of us, absorbing emotions is an automatic response. We might do it because we care deeply and want to help. Some of us feel responsible for fixing things. We may have been raised in environments where emotions were contagious. And sometimes, we struggle with boundaries—where defining where we end and others begin is a real challenge.

Picture yourself as a sponge. At first, we take on small amounts of “water” (other people’s stress, sadness, or frustration). Over time, we get heavier and heavier, holding onto “water” (emotions) that was never ours to carry. Eventually, we become so heavy and saturated that we start to spill over—whether in the form of exhaustion, resentment, or emotional burnout. Instead, we want to see ourselves as an anchor – We hold space for everyone to have their own feelings. We can hold the boat and help strategize their problem.

Choosing to Observe

Observing doesn’t mean we stop caring. It means we witness someone’s emotions without making them our own. It allows us to recognize and acknowledge emotions without being consumed by them. It helps us to stay present without reacting with defensiveness. When we observe, we can respond with empathy rather than absorption, support rather than self-sacrifice.

How to Shift from Absorbing to Observing

Pause and Name It – When you feel yourself absorbing someone’s emotions, pause and acknowledge it: I see they’re upset. I don’t have to take that on.
Stay Grounded – Take a deep breath. Plant your feet on the floor. Remind yourself that their emotions belong to them, not you.
(I wrote another blog around this concept here.)
Validate Without Owning – You can acknowledge someone’s emotions without taking them in: “I hear that you’re frustrated. That sounds really tough.” This shows understanding without internalizing their feelings.
Ask, Don’t Assume – Instead of mirroring their emotions, ask what they need: “How can I support you?” This shifts the focus from reaction to intention and helps the other person clarify what they truly need.
Set an Emotional Boundary – Imagine a protective shield around you. Visualize emotions passing by you instead of through you. This practice helps me stay grounded and creates an invisible barrier, giving me the awareness to respond intentionally rather than react emotionally.

The Freedom in Observing

When we practice observe vs. absorb, we free ourselves from emotional exhaustion. We maintain compassion without becoming overwhelmed. And most importantly, we show up in a way that is healthier for both ourselves and the people we care about.

Viktor Frankl once said,
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

This space is where observation lives. Instead of instantly reacting—absorbing someone’s frustration, sadness, or anger—we can pause. We can recognize that their emotions are theirs, not ours. And in doing so, we gain the freedom to choose how we engage, how we support, and how we protect our own peace.

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”

-keep shining
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Rewrite The Plot

February 23, 2025 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

I was scrolling down the inevitable black hole of TikTok the other day when I heard something that stopped me in my tracks:

“If you were the main character in a movie about your life and there was an audience watching the movie, what would the audience be screaming at you to do?”

Oof. Gut punch. Because let’s be honest—most of us would be yelling something, or perhaps many things…It could be something gentle, like “Dude, put down your phone and be present.” Or maybe other, louder things, like “STOP PRIORITIZING PEOPLE WHO DO NOT PRIORITIZE YOU” or, “QUIT THAT JOB AND BE HAPPY!”

And let’s not even start on those horror movie moments, when you know what’s coming, and you’re practically begging the character, “Don’t go in there!” But they always do. Every. Single. Time.

I sat with it for a minute; if my life was playing out on screen, what would I be yelling at myself?

I’d probably be gripping the armrest and thinking, “Please don’t say yes to that thing you don’t have time for.” I’d be whispering to my friend next to me in the theatre, “Why doesn’t she stand up for herself?!” I’d be going mad when they (AKA, me) hesitate on something they know deep down they want, yelling, “Just freaking do it already!”

And here’s the thing—if we can see it so clearly from the outside, why is it so hard to change from the inside?

Maybe it’s because we’re too close to our own stories. We excuse our own patterns because they feel familiar. And we forget that, unlike a movie, we actually can rewrite the next scene.

So, here’s my challenge for you (and for me):

1. Figure out what you’d be yelling.

What’s the one thing (or things) you wish your past self would have done differently? What’s the pattern that keeps playing on repeat? What’s the decision that—if this were a movie—you’d be watching, shaking your head, already knowing how it ends?

As you reflect, resist the urge to beat yourself up… Regret is a trap—one filled with shame, guilt, and endless bargaining that leads nowhere but frustration. I have never believed in the idea of regret because there’s no point in dwelling on what’s already happened, but there is value in looking back with clarity. Not to ruminate, but to recognize. Not to stay stuck, but to step forward with a new perspective.
“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”

2. Decide if you want the movie to take a plot twist.

If you keep watching yourself make the same choices, ending up in the same situations, it’s worth asking—do you want the story to stay the same, or is it time for a shift? Patterns don’t break on their own, and nothing changes until you decide to change it.

This isn’t about flipping your life upside down overnight, but about recognizing that you’re not stuck in a predetermined storyline. You get to decide whether this remains a cycle of missed opportunities and frustration or becomes the turning point where things finally shift. This does not have to be the cautionary tale you thought it was—maybe this is the part where everything starts to change, or at least some parts.

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

Here’s the thing about change and taking risks: the unknown will always feel uncomfortable, but staying in the same loop just because it’s familiar isn’t safe—it’s just stagnant. Those of you who read my blogs regularly know how much I encourage this. Instead of wondering what could be, what if you actually experienced it? Take a moment to journal about the decisions you’ve been avoiding or the ones you make begrudgingly; talk it out with someone you trust and visualize what the sequel to your life’s movie would look like if you finally went for the plot twist…

What would happen if you bet on yourself?

3. Start acting like the main character you’re rooting for.

The one who sets boundaries, chooses joy, and stops giving second chances to things that don’t deserve them. The one who stops letting fear hold them back. The one who finally realizes that their worth was never in question and who has the confidence they always envied in others. It’s your movie, so you get to decide.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

At the end of the day, no one wants to watch a movie where the character stays stuck. The best ones are where they finally get it. Where they make the move, take the risk, say the thing, and step into something better… Doesn’t that feel good?

And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be the character who makes it to the happy ending than the one who has people throwing popcorn at the screen, yelling, “Come on. You know better!”

So, what’s your movie moment? What’s the thing you know you’d yell at yourself? Maybe today’s the day you finally listen and take the first step.

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.”

-keep shining
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Authenticity

September 2, 2024 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Accurate – Reliable – Genuine – Aware
These words describe authenticity, which is the true definition of being who we are. By being ourselves, we gain so much. And when we can focus on what we gain from being authentic, we can finally stop focusing on what we risk losing. (Hint: nothing.)

With today’s societal norms and expectations, we miss out on getting to know ourselves. Social media, expectations, and how we judge ourselves hinder us from getting to know who we are and being proud of it. By being authentic to who we are, we are more realistic, we stand up for what we believe in, we accept ourselves and others, we are thoughtful, and we feel free to express our emotions. Authentic people know what motivates them and are open to learning from mistakes. Doesn’t that sound nice? To simply release the need to look to others for approval because we do not need it. We do not have to be confused about who we truly are or want to be. We do not hide from expressing ourselves and we don’t judge others as much. Authenticity is total alignment with our values, beliefs, and psychological needs.

So why is this so scary?

Authenticity comes with self-discipline; we have to create a sense of balance and be open to self-reflection. It is to identify all aspects of ourselves and align with those things. But we fear judgment from others and honest conversations with ourselves because we live in a society where perfection and “fitting in” outweigh realism. We do not feel safe, whether in our own bodies or around others. We are overwhelmed with self-doubt and self-consciousness because authenticity can be a daunting and intimidating task…What happens if my values and beliefs go against the grain? Who will support me, who will laugh at me? Furthermore, we may have been conditioned to repress our true selves, whether we grew up in an abusive or unsafe home, a judgmental environment, or remain in a place where our emotions are unacceptable.

What can we do about it?

“When you are yourself, others are better able to find you…If you pretend to be someone else, people can’t see you for who you are.” (Speak by Tunde Oyeneyin)

For me, mindfulness plays a huge role: Being mindful about how certain topics and conversations make me feel, being mindful of my own words and actions and understanding where they come from. I also try to be mindful of who/what I surround myself with, and why. I pay attention to how I feel in circumstances where I speak my truth, and I pay attention to the actions of people who I spend my time with – Do I align with them? “When you speak your mind, it’s like waving a flag people can see from a distance. Some will see it and say, ‘No, thanks, that’s not for me’, but I guarantee you the people in the back of the line, those people will see it and know to come.” Speak by Tunde Oyeneyin)

I also encourage people to explore their shame. After many years in social work, I find that shame is the most dangerous of emotions. I have an entire post dedicated to this topic and you can read it here.
Discovering where your shame comes from and releasing it can drastically increase your sense of self. Remove what no longer serves you – shame will absolutely torture you but has no purpose. Once you can release what is holding you back, you will be at peace and find it easier to be authentic.

Define what authenticity is for you. Or think of someone you find authentic and ponder what it is about them that you admire. What would help you feel more authentic, and how can you practice those behaviors? Discovering these behaviors may help you make decisions you have been avoiding for a while or finding the confidence to take the next step. Authenticity comes down to the awareness of your realness. All of your thoughts, behaviors, actions and inactions are already authentic to who you are as a person. It really just boils down to expression, honesty and awareness, whether with yourself or those around you.
(Psychology Today has several great articles on authenticity if you want to explore this topic further.)

Discover what you value and get involved. Whether you value leadership, independence, giving back, or things that you care about such as nature or art, find ways to act on them.

Lastly, reflect on decisions before you finalize them. Understand why you chose to make a decision (or not) and how it conflicts or coincides with your belief system. Acknowledging any fear or excitement behind decisions help us align closer with our sense of self.

And remember…you were born to be real, not to be perfect.

-keep shining

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Tag: mindfulness (Page 1 of 10)

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