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Tag: parenting (Page 1 of 2)

Eat The Popsicle That Turns Your Mouth Blue…

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Why is it that when we turn into full-time working, tax paying, house cleaning adults we forget to have fun? We take life too seriously and don’t laugh as much as we should. We lose our ability to be spontaneous and we forget the importance and excitement of being immature.
We were all kids once, and for some of us those are the best memories of our lives. We didn’t have an agenda, no ongoing stressors, and life consisted of having fun by using our imagination and acting impulsively. Being a kid consisted of enjoying the little things which made us happy. We were at our most simple and innocent selves.
The good news is we can still incorporate that mindset into our lifestyle as adults. We should never let go of our ‘kid-at-heart’ mentality. We all have a child inside of us that still wants to be carefree, laugh, and act immaturely. There is no reason we need to repress that kid inside, but instead should embrace what that brings out in us.
So how can we remember to play more and work less, you ask? Here are my thoughts…

First and foremost, don’t forget to do the things that brought you joy so many years ago. Whether you walk by a tree and have an impulse to climb it, or you want to eat the popsicle that will turn your mouth blue, paint a picture, or have an urge to dance in public…Do it! Those were the things that made us happy as kids, and we did them without thinking twice about it. As adults, we care too much about what others think of us, and focus too much on what needs to be done versus what we want to do.
Other areas we neglect as we get older is our creativity and imagination…. Creativity is why our world is so advanced, so never lose site of your imagination. Imagination is what helped you morph into the savvy, sophisticated human you are today. Our imagination is what motivated us to be creative, to make things up, to play things out, and to be curious. By using our imagination we learned about what we loved, what we were passionate about, and what we fantasized for our futures. We created so many incredible things by using our imagination; forts, drawings, silly jokes, games, lifestyles, costumes….The list goes on and on!
And in case you don’t recall…we forgot and forgave as kids. I do not ever remember holding a grudge against my sister when she forced me into blue jeans, frilly socks, and bows when all I wanted to wear were cowgirl boots and sweat pants (I screamed bloody murder every.single.time)…We moved on, and remembered the importance of still loving those in our lives who were important to us, even when they made us mad. As kids we did not judge people or talk badly about one another. We loved unconditionally, it was that simple.
And weren’t all of us annoyingly curious as kids? Always asking questions, and always exploring. Think about how much we learned by being curious and asking the “why’s” to everything adults said and did. But now that we are adults, we feel that asking a question makes us irrelevant or is something to be embarrassed about. We feel vulnerable when we ask questions and when we do not know the answers to everything. Asking questions and being curious is how we learned and grew as kiddos, and we cannot let our egos distract us from the importance of that. Nor can we judge one another for not having the answers. There truly is no such things as a stupid question, how would we know otherwise? There is so much truth to the simple saying, you don’t know what you don’t know.

Of course over time we have gained more responsibilities and stressors, but do not forget to be who you truly are. Who you are resides within the kid that lives in your heart; it’s where you came from, your passions, your curiosity, your endless love, your simplicity, your creativity and imagination. Our time is precious, and no day should go without doing something we love and being who we are. Make time to laugh each and every day, be impulsive, and eat that blue popsicle.

Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? ~

-keep shining

Relationships with a Capital R

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There are very few things in life that are more important than relationships. That is because relationships are the basis of our lives. They help define who we are, make us whole, and are the most crucial way in which we function as a society. Relationships are how we learn about ourselves and those around us. Without them, we are missing out on a major part of our ongoing development. And, honestly, relationships just make us happy. They reassure us of who we are and motivate us to become better people.

Below are some ‘Relationship Rules’, as I like to call them, that I want to share with you.

<3 Loyalty and Respect are not updates to a relationship, they are a requirement to a relationship
 YES! Write this one down, people!
As I am sure most of us do, I often get frustrated with myself when I recall the unfortunate things I put up with in my former relationships- whether boyfriends, friends, coworkers, etc.. However, if it weren’t for those unhealthy happenings in my relationships I would have never learned to speak up for myself the way I do now. I would not nearly be as confident in or as happy with the person I am today if it weren’t for a lot of what I experienced in my former relationships. We can all look back and find things we learned from those who we allowed to treat us poorly, no matter how unfortunate or icky those memories may be. But, that is why Loyalty and Respect are a must in every relationship you encounter and find value in. These two traits are invaluable and will get you very far in life.  I cannot express enough on the importance of Loyalty and Respect. If you have these two things in your relationships, you are on a happy and healthy track. And if we are loyal and respectful, others will gravitate towards us and be much more likely to display the same in return.

<3 Far too many people are looking for the right person instead of being the right person
 On our wedding day, my husband and I had a reading in our ceremony that we fell in love with. The last line of it states, “it is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner”. I will never forget that line. It is a good reminder to let our guards down in order to love those around us, and look in the mirror rather than point fingers. We all want so badly to be understood, but we forget to be understandingBeing the right person helps to hold ourselves accountable in our relationships. We can only expect from our partner what we are providing in return. It is equal give and take that makes the world go ’round!

<3 Tell people how you feel
Feelings are gooooooood! And men, even better when you can express your feelings confidently (aka- it is okay to cry!). We are all entitled to our own feelings, express them! It feels so good to not build everything up inside. Your feelings matter and may make a huge difference in your or someone else’s life if you learn to express them. It is so good to practice being honest with ourselves and others. We feel a certain way for a reason, own it. Be open to exploring why you feel a certain way to help learn more about yourself. The more we understand our reactions, triggers, and emotions, the happier and more knowledgable we become, and the more relief we feel by expressing ourselves. It also helps to understand the emotions and reactions of others around us.  Not to mention we will be more satisfied and comfortable in our relationships.

<3 Be prepared for disappointment
My mother always told me that everyone in my life will disappoint me at some time or another, and I have remembered this throughout the years. It helps to prepare me for the moments when people do disappoint me in my life. No matter how close we think we are in some relationships, people will always hurt and disappoint us. And there will be times where we will hurt and disappoint others, too. No one is perfect and people make mistakes. The mistakes that are made is what can be hurtful at times, and it is up to us to decide whether the disappointment is worth mending in that relationship, or moving on with our lives. Some friendships are in our lives for a short time and are not meant to last forever, and that is okay. However, it is also up to us to forgive those who have disappointed us to help us practice humility and acceptance of others.
The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.  Bob Marley

<3 What people think of you is none of your business
Oh how accurate this is! Nothing is more stressful, hurtful, or frustrating than hearing the negative things people have said about us. But honestly, what is the point of caring? You know who you are, that is what matters. Any why put ourselves through the hurt of having to know what people have said about us? Other people’s opinions and statements are not our business, even if they are about us. People are all entitled to their thoughts and opinions. And you know what? There is nothing we can do about that. Let’s all try to focus more on the areas of life we can control rather than worrying about others’ thoughts and opinions, which we will never be able to manipulate.

<3 You don’t need 2 million friends
It seems to me that the older people get, the more they value having just a few really close friends. Having a ton of friends is exhausting, and it takes a lot of time! Personally, I enjoy having a small friend circle as I can better focus on the relationships that mean the most to me. I can spend more time with those who are equally invested in my friendship as I am in theirs. These are the people that are less apt to hurt us and more able to be trusted. I find so much more value in my friendships as my circle gets smaller, and I am so grateful for that.

And when it comes to relationships, actions speak louder than words, people!

-keep shining

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Tips to Communicating Effectively

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This week, I want to provide four quick and easy skills for interacting with others. These four simple skills will make a world of difference in the conversations and arguments you will have, and I am excited to share them with you!
There are times in our interactions with others where we get upset, defensive, argumentative, and frustrated. Unfortunately, it’s going to happen to the best of us. However, there are ways to better interact and be aware of how we are communicating to help keep the conversation at a civil, calm level of discussion and reasoning. It’s inevitable that we are going to argue with our family, our spouse, our best friend, our boss….But how can we do it in a way where we will be heard, and more able to hear what others are saying to us? I know for myself I find it difficult to be willing to listen when I am in a defensive state of mind. All I am thinking about is what I want to say next rather than trying to listen to what is being said. This is really counterproductive in any type of relationship.
Try these four skills:

  1. Use ‘I feel’ statements. ‘I feel’ statements is a skill used to calmly tell someone what we are thinking in a way that includes our feelings, which in turn helps the other person understand where we are at emotionally, and why we may be reacting a certain way.
    For example, let’s say in a conversation with your significant other they raise their voice before saying, “Ugh, you’re pissing me off and you’re not listening to a word I am saying!”. How would this make you feel? I can feel my blood boiling just thinking about it! How would this not be helpful, and how would you respond? You may say something impulsive and hurtful which leads to more arguing and hurt feelings on both sides. Also, this does not resolve anything.
    Now, how much easier would it be for you to respond if your significant other instead said “I feel hurt and frustrated when you do not appear to be listening to me when you are on your phone.”? A touchy topic can be more calmly discussed and resolved if approached by using “I feel ____ when you _______ ” statements.
    Think of a time you were interacting with someone which turned into an argument, and you felt really defensive. Why were you feeling defensive in that moment? What was said to you that upset you? Also think of a time that you really upset someone else during a conversation which turned into an argument. Why were they upset with you? Could using an ‘I feel’ statement have assisted in the situation?
  2. Do not name call, and do not raise your voice. Sounds easy enough, right? But we all know this is easier said than done sometimes. All I can say here is try really hard to focus on the way we speak to others. So much greatness can be accomplished if we focus on resolving an issue rather than adding fuel to the fire. Some thoughts are better left unsaid, and keeping a calm demeanor is respectful and will be well received. Plus, we really don’t want to hurt the ones we care about which is exactly what we are doing by name calling and getting loud. Remind yourself that you are on the same team as that person, and want the same end goal. You would not be spending time having this conversation or argument if you did not feel value in continuing a relationship with that person.
  3. Do not use statements with the words ‘always’ and ‘never’. Another situation which will cause us to get really defensive really fast. ‘Always’ and ‘never’ should not be used in conversations or arguments because, simply, it is not true.
    It’s okay to get upset at your husband for rarely taking out the trash. But, approaching him with saying “you never take out the trash!” will trigger him to think of all the times he has taken out the trash and think you do not notice. ‘Always’ and ‘never’ are bold words, and hearing them can be really discouraging. Try avoiding ‘always’ and ‘never’, and add in an ‘I feel’ statement to ensure the conversation goes smoothly.
  4. Agree to disagree. At the end of the day, sometimes it is okay to accept that we are not on the same page, and it may stay that way. We all know that people do not always agree on everything, and everyone’s perspectives are different. It is okay to hear each other out and learn from one another while understanding that you are not going to change each other’s minds. To be able to ‘agree to disagree’ is a skill, and is not always easy to do.
    Listening is huge when it comes to ‘agreeing to disagree’. We must listen to and try to understand others’ perspectives even when we disagree. It takes discipline and patience to listen when we do not want to. However, in doing so it helps us to become more open-minded individuals. Being open-minded is helpful in our work and our relationships with people, and helps in our understanding for people and their life choices, beliefs, and circumstances.  And who wouldn’t want to be a more understanding and open-minded individual?!

If you just communicate, you can get by. But if you communicate skillfully, you will work miracles. 
-keep shining

 

I Am Thankful

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Happy Thanksgiving week everyone! Of course, since it’s the season of giving and thanks, a blog focused on these wonderful topics feels necessary. There is nothing better in this world than the holiday season, am I right?!

I’ll be honest with you and admit that a small part of me feels so guilty around this time of year. I am fortunate to have a happy, healthy, and loving family to spend the holidays with.  I am always looking forward to the holidays because of how much I enjoy being with my family. The reason I feel guilty is because in my daily work as a social worker I spend time with children who have never celebrated a holiday. Never celebrated a holiday… Can you imagine that? Daily, I spend time with children who have never been given a gift, and do not know how to unwrap a present. I spend time with children who do not know who their family is and have no one to celebrate with. I spend the holidays explaining to children who Santa Claus is because they have never heard of him. I have seen children celebrate holidays in residential facilities and do not have any family come to visit them. I have seen children who do not know where their siblings are during the holidays and are worried about them. I have seen children’s behaviors escalate over the holidays because they do not know how to process the emotions that they are feeling during the holiday season. These children listen to other peers in school talk about their holiday festivities and their families, their new gifts…Can you imagine how that must feel? It is difficult for me to take time off of work to enjoy this special time of year without wanting to take all of my clients home with me! For me, this time of year makes it hard to separate work from home life.

I think it is SO important this time of year to truly think about what it is we are thankful for, no matter how big or small. There is always something to be thankful for. I would challenge all of you to physically write down a list of all that you are thankful for this year. Hopefully you are overwhelmed with positive feelings when you can look at that list and think of how fortunate you are to have countless amounts of wonderful things and wonderful people in your lives! Be mindful of the positive aspects of your life and be thankful for them.

Focus on the beauty of this earth. The sky, the changing of the seasons, the sounds of nature… Be thankful for the beauty that surrounds us every single day, and that we so easily overlook.Think about all the obvious wonders in our lives that we overlook. Focus on those ‘things’ that we forget that we have the luxury to enjoy…Every.Single.Day.

I would also challenge you to do one good deed this holiday season revolved around helping others. It feels SO good to give back and to help those less fortunate than ourselves. If you have children, I would encourage you to get them involved in the season of giving as this time of year can be such a fabulous learning experience for children.
Why is it so important to give back and be thankful this holiday season, you ask? Just remember those children I mentioned above and try putting yourselves in their shoes.

As a social worker we try to make the holidays such an exciting time for the individuals we serve. We try making it special, unique, memorable. This can seem impossible at times, and sometimes I feel defeated… There is truly nothing I can do to make this person feel loved around the holidays. But, I can be there for them and I can give back somehow to make their holiday experiences just a little bit better, a little more meaningful, and help them create moments worth remembering.

I want people to know that lending a helping hand during the holidays does not go unnoticed. It does not matter how big or small your contribution is, you can make a difference. You can help in making the holiday season be positive for those who have never experienced the warm, loving feeling this season provides to most of us. And please, enjoy the holiday season you are fortunate to spend with your friends and family, making memories and eating all those comfort foods…After all, calories don’t count during the holidays, right?!

It feels good to do good for others.

-keep shining, and have a safe and memorable Thanksgiving.

Safe Word

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As a parent /care giver, we know teenagers can be difficult, that is no secret or surprise. We worry about teenagers and the decisions they make. It is stressful!
As a teenager, life is challenging. You’re trying to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and what choices you want to make in life. And at times, you make choices based on what your friends want and not necessarily what feels right to you.

I am sure everyone has a few situations they look back on with some regret, or knowing it was wrong. However, because our peers did it or pressured us into doing it we felt obligated. It was the “cool” thing to do, so of course we wanted to fit in!
So, how can we help? As caregivers and parents, what are some tips/tricks we can utilize to ensure our teens and children stay safe? There seems to be nothing that works at times as teens will want to be independent, and of course think we are the worst people on the face of the earth! Teenagers do know everything and have every answer, as you know 😉

I just have one simple trick to share today, and that is the create a “safe word” with your teen or child. You and your teenager can come up with a word together. Once a word is decided upon, this can be used in numerous different situations your teen is not comfortable in. For example, let’s say your teenager is at a friend’s house and the friends are doing something that makes your teen feel unsafe or uncomfortable. The teenager can text you their safe word. As a parent or caregiver, we can then call our teen telling them we need to pick them up for whatever reason we make up. This is just one example of how a “safe word” can be used.

Some people may think why not just call your parent and tell them to come get you?. Well, let’s be honest, how many teenagers are going to tell their friends they do not feel safe and want to leave? Not many.

“Safe word” also assists in helping you and your teen communicate. Start by thanking them and praising them for using the safe word (refer back to my Relationship vs. Repair blog), and then talk about what happened, or how to avoid dangers in the future.

This simple technique can also be used for children to ensure their safety. Just like you would with a teenager, you and your child create a safe word together. For this next example, let’s say the safe word you and your child created is bubblegum.  Example: Let’s say you are having neighbor Joe pick your child up from daycare because you work late. Joe has to tell your child the safe word, bubblegum, before your child will go with neighbor Joe. Let your child know to never leave with any adults unless the adult knows to say the word bubblegum. Make sense? Now, our  job as parents is be sure to tell neighbor Joe the safe word prior to picking up our child 🙂

Simple, but effective!

Safety is important. Do not feel ridiculous for wanting to double, or triple check, that your teen/child is safe. You are entitled to those feelings as a parent, and it is important that we know our children are safe.

-keep shining

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