Tag: relationships (Page 1 of 4)

The Quiet Relationship Killer

November 2, 2025 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Lately, I’ve noticed a theme showing up in many of my personal and professional conversations. Different stories, different people, but the same core message. Then I heard an interview that put it into words perfectly…

“The biggest killer of a relationship is abandoning yourself to create peace in the relationship.”

Read that again.

Because whether it’s your marriage, your friendships, your family, your coworkers, or your team, self-abandonment happens more than we realize.

We abandon ourselves for peace.

We stay quiet to avoid conflict.

We make ourselves smaller to make someone else comfortable.

We keep showing up, even when our needs stopped being met a long time ago.

We put our heads down and go on autopilot.

And although shrinking to avoid conflict or discomfort may feel peaceful in these moments, peace built on self-abandonment isn’t peace at all. It’s survival.

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If we allow ourselves to, we can take a pause, reflect on our own patterns, and see how we show up (and also how we disappear). Understanding the patterns we hold and why helps us to learn more about who we are and what we want/expect in our relationships.

We all have patterns in our personal relationships: the fixer, the peacemaker, the doer-of-all-things, the caretaker, the quiet one. These patterns develop overtime for many reasons, such as our upbringings, personal expectations, and issues or compromises in our relationships.

I see patterns play out in teams and partnerships too. People who pour from empty cups, convinced that self-sacrifice is the only way to hold things together. I often talk in trainings about my own pattern of extreme self-sacrifice used as a distraction from what I had going on in the inside. The more I worked = the less I thought about the horrors of my work because I was so distracted with being busy. But the more self-sacrifices I made, the more people learned my pattern which was to always depend on me. I showed up for others before myself, I would work myself to death, and I was constantly fatigued of giving compassion. Once I developed that pattern, I had no capacity to say no to people because they knew I would be there. I thought it more peaceful to continue down this path of self-sacrifice than to be honest about how it was impacting me. Letting people down was a brutal thought, as was slowing down, because then I had to actually process what I was seeing and hearing at work every day.

But here’s the truth and something to repeat a few times: you can’t build connection on disconnection from yourself.

Something I had to ask myself when I started being honest about my own patterns in personal and professional relationships was, what part of me have I been abandoning to keep the peace?

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And with these patterns comes the roles we play, and every personal relationship has them.

Some of our roles and the patterns that come with it are spoken, and can be positive: the leader, the helper, the calm one.
But others are unspoken: the one who never complains, the one who forgives everything at the expense of their own feelings, the one who carries the weight even when they don’t want to, the one who does it all but isn’t appreciated.

We often step into these roles out of love or habit. But after a while, they start to define us more than we define them.

One role I created for myself was the “strong one”…Carrying the weight of everything on my shoulders: everything had to go right, everything was mine to fix, I cannot mess this up, I have to be available. The patterns that came with my role of the “strong one” was to always show up with confidence. The one who got things done. The one who wasn’t impacted by anything, and who followed through and never needed help. The one who had time and space for whatever you needed. And then one day, I realized I had trained everyone around me to stop checking in; it was my own patterns that created this role.

A good question to ask ourselves is, who assigned me this role (them or me?), and do I still want it? When we ask ourselves these questions, it’s important to know that you are allowed to choose a different part to play. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it throws others for a loop. Oftentimes, those are the burdens we avoid: the difficult conversations, the awkward adjustments, the arguments. But the alternative is to keep living in a pattern we do not want or we’ve outgrown. We can either ask ourselves the hard questions, have the difficult conversations, set boundaries, or keep on this autopilot of suffering or unhappiness that we’ve developed through these roles.

The growth that comes with doing the hard work is worth the benefit of being authentic to who you are and what you deserve.

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When we avoid honest conversations with ourselves and others, or allow others to continue in their own patterns that are not compatible with ours, silence becomes our default. We get quiet and we stop speaking up. We, or they, may still care but have learned that “peace” is easier than truth.

But silence builds resentment.

And resentment builds distance.

Resentment is often the first signal that we’ve been abandoning ourselves. It’s your mind saying, “I’m tired of pretending I’m okay.”

The unaddressed stress and frustration don’t disappear; they get stored. And the same is true in relationships – every time you swallow your truth, it piles up.
Eventually, it spills out usually in the wrong direction with the wrong language, or at the wrong person, and at the wrong time. Or, frankly, we just live in dissatisfaction and anger which leads to that resentment.

It’s important to ask yourself, where am I pretending I’m fine just to keep things calm? When we notice the circumstances in which we say we are fine and aren’t is where we may find the place where resentment lives.

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And sometimes, it’s okay if we have outgrown the relationship, the job, the friendship. If we notice that we are staying silent or we are still being put in a role we don’t want, use this as clarity…It is okay if we do not want to shrink any more. We get to choose if the lack of peace and authenticity is worth weathering the storm for, or instead to peacefully move forward and close this chapter.

Whether it’s your spouse/partner, your colleague, or your best friend, communication and honesty is the bridge. Sometimes it’s as simple as shifting our language and trying new approaches to the conversation. Maybe being more direct, more vulnerable, softer, more specific…It can give the other person(s) a chance to show up differently. Vocalizing to our spouses, colleagues, or family members the roles we do not want to play anymore is setting a boundary.

Boundaries bring you back.

A boundary isn’t punishment, it’s protection.

It says, “I can love you and still need space.”

It says, “I can care about you and still care for myself.”

It says, “I can love my job but still take a break.”

It says, “This isn’t right for me anymore and that’s okay”

Boundaries are a love language. They teach people how to treat you and understand you better. They teach us to be authentic and be honest about our own needs.

It’s challenging ourselves to start to identify the places where we have been abandoning ourselves and then setting small boundaries in those places.

This type of honesty and clarity is what creates peace.

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The beautiful thing about self-awareness is that it gives us a choice.

You don’t have to keep abandoning yourself for peace. You can build peace that includes you. It’s challenging, especially those of us who are people pleasers, to do this. But isn’t life supposed to be enjoyable? And doesn’t that include being able to go through life feeling fulfilled, being ourselves? Not to mention, those around us benefit from getting the best version of us when we prioritize our peace, because we are happier.

Healing doesn’t always mean leaving; sometimes it means re-entering a relationship differently. Showing up as your full self, not just the convenient version of you.

And when healing does include leaving, it’s a good reminder that we step more into ourselves and where we want to be in life when we can remove what no longer serves us.

Whether it’s with a partner, a parent, a friend, or your team, you deserve to be honest, appreciated and loved. Both respected and heard. Both peaceful and present. Equal partnership in all areas in our lives is valuable.

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I also believe that peace without authenticity will always feel a little bit lonely. Let that be your motivation to prioritize you. The next time you find yourself shrinking, silencing, or sacrificing parts of who you are, remember…

“The biggest killer of relationships is abandoning yourself to create peace in the relationship.”

Don’t kill the relationship trying to keep it alive. Don’t burn yourself out trying to change patterns in places where it is better to move on. Don’t become smaller for someone else’s comfort. Don’t lose yourself when trying to appease everyone else.

Choose peace that includes you.

“Peace is not something you wish for. It is something you make, something you are, something you do, and something you give away”.

-keep shining
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Observe vs. Absorb

March 9, 2025 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling emotionally drained, like you’ve taken on someone else’s stress, anger, or sadness? If you’re in a helping profession, a leadership role, or even just a deeply empathetic person, this experience is probably all too familiar.

Recently, my therapist shared a concept with me that hit home in a big way: Observe vs. Absorb. As someone who has always carried the weight of others’ emotions, taken on guilt that isn’t mine, and felt responsible for everyone else’s happiness—often at the expense of my own—this idea challenged the way I show up for others and, more importantly, for myself.

At its core, this concept is about how we engage with the emotions of those around us. Instead of absorbing their feelings—internalizing their stress, frustration, or sadness—we can observe them. When we absorb, we make their emotions our own, often leading to defensiveness, burnout, or misplaced guilt. But when we observe, we create space to understand, validate, and respond with clarity rather than reaction.

And as my therapist put it, “You don’t take in ANYTHING that belongs to someone else, and no matter how big and bad their storm is raging- you just hold fast as a safe space.”

Why We Absorb

For many of us, absorbing emotions is an automatic response. We might do it because we care deeply and want to help. Some of us feel responsible for fixing things. We may have been raised in environments where emotions were contagious. And sometimes, we struggle with boundaries—where defining where we end and others begin is a real challenge.

Picture yourself as a sponge. At first, we take on small amounts of “water” (other people’s stress, sadness, or frustration). Over time, we get heavier and heavier, holding onto “water” (emotions) that was never ours to carry. Eventually, we become so heavy and saturated that we start to spill over—whether in the form of exhaustion, resentment, or emotional burnout. Instead, we want to see ourselves as an anchor – We hold space for everyone to have their own feelings. We can hold the boat and help strategize their problem.

Choosing to Observe

Observing doesn’t mean we stop caring. It means we witness someone’s emotions without making them our own. It allows us to recognize and acknowledge emotions without being consumed by them. It helps us to stay present without reacting with defensiveness. When we observe, we can respond with empathy rather than absorption, support rather than self-sacrifice.

How to Shift from Absorbing to Observing

Pause and Name It – When you feel yourself absorbing someone’s emotions, pause and acknowledge it: I see they’re upset. I don’t have to take that on.
Stay Grounded – Take a deep breath. Plant your feet on the floor. Remind yourself that their emotions belong to them, not you.
(I wrote another blog around this concept here.)
Validate Without Owning – You can acknowledge someone’s emotions without taking them in: “I hear that you’re frustrated. That sounds really tough.” This shows understanding without internalizing their feelings.
Ask, Don’t Assume – Instead of mirroring their emotions, ask what they need: “How can I support you?” This shifts the focus from reaction to intention and helps the other person clarify what they truly need.
Set an Emotional Boundary – Imagine a protective shield around you. Visualize emotions passing by you instead of through you. This practice helps me stay grounded and creates an invisible barrier, giving me the awareness to respond intentionally rather than react emotionally.

The Freedom in Observing

When we practice observe vs. absorb, we free ourselves from emotional exhaustion. We maintain compassion without becoming overwhelmed. And most importantly, we show up in a way that is healthier for both ourselves and the people we care about.

Viktor Frankl once said,
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

This space is where observation lives. Instead of instantly reacting—absorbing someone’s frustration, sadness, or anger—we can pause. We can recognize that their emotions are theirs, not ours. And in doing so, we gain the freedom to choose how we engage, how we support, and how we protect our own peace.

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”

-keep shining
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Rude Awakenings

April 6, 2022 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

I was paging through one of my journals the other day, and in this particular journal I write quotes, words, and random thoughts that come into my head. As I paged through a lot of my twirly-whirly drawings and colorful words, I stopped on something that resonated with me that day…The page read, “Rude Awakening: Rude is temporary, Awakening is permanent.”
For some reason on this particular day, the quote really stuck out to me. I do not recall even scribbling it down in the first place, but I pondered the importance of it…
Rude awakenings do not have to be scary, bad, traumatizing, or negative. They probably feel that way in the moment, but it’s all about perspective; how we take that moment and apply it to our lives. Rude is where we learn, it’s where we get stunned, blindsided, or maybe some old karma surfacing. It’s what happens to us or catches up to us that may not feel so great in the moment, but ultimately leads to the awakening portion of the journey. It’s a quick and painful (or shocking) realization that leads us into the next phase of awakening, which can also feel scary or traumatizing, bad or negative. But the ultimate power in awakening is that it can be the beginning to a lifelong journey of discovery. It’s about temporary suffering, which can provide us with some understanding and realization if we allow it to.
Rude awakenings guide us towards a more mindful and purposeful way of living, and we can use our awakening period to recreate and redefine parts of ourselves. We become more aware…We move through the rude, which is the part that no longer serves us once we experience it, and we awaken into some hard and honest self-reflection and change. It is finally realizing something that may have been in front of us all along, but now we are being slapped in the face with it because we can no longer avoid or ignore it…We finally have an epiphany that this short-term (rude) piece helped us to arrive at.

The definition of Rude Awakening: The sudden and unexpected discovery of an unpleasant fact or truth.
It is to discover that maybe, we haven’t really grown or changed much at all in all our years on earth. Or we actually didn’t know it all, or we can’t continue to avoid looking ourselves in the mirror and dealing with our stuff. We can no longer avoid self-awareness and change because of the unpleasantry we discovered in ourselves that has overstayed its welcome. All of this is a positive thing because it’s where we turn our lives around and find motivation. It’s where we realize we do not want to do, be, act certain ways and finally buck up, put our egos aside and deal with it. It’s like hitting rock bottom, but adding one step further, because not only do we realize we are at the end of our rope (rock bottom), but we actually admit it and mindfully do something about it. We make amends with ourselves and others. We awaken and take on the challenges of change, growth, awareness, and self-discovery, because it’s worth it. You are worth it.

People get so caught up in avoiding these parts of themselves instead of allowing our vulnerabilities to be owned and accepted, because vulnerability can feel scary, overwhelming and intimidating. It sucks to come to terms with the ugly parts of us and where it comes from. We mask and avoid with addiction, pride and ego, distractions and excuses, staying busy, and frankly just being stubborn.

And sometimes, the rude awakening may be discovering something about someone else that practically gave you whiplash…It could be specific to a job, relationship, business deal, etc. and discovering someone else dropped the ball. The whiplash may be that we were awakened to the realness and unfortunate truth of that relationship and someone else’s true colors. And frankly, it sucks when that happens because we have no control over it. No one likes to be disappointed by someone they trusted or liked. But, remembering that the rude is temporary and the awakening is permanent, how can we own that situation and move forward? How can we come to realize, even when by surprise, what the relationship really was and how to use it to our advantage instead of wallowing in our disappointment? We have to open our eyes to the whole picture, grieve, be upset, and move forward. The awakening part provides more insight, awareness, and vigilance to use throughout our lives when interacting with others.
There have been a few very impactful rude awakenings with jobs and friendships in my life, as I am sure it has for many of you as well. I can recall being so stunned by how I was bullied in one particular instance in high school. I personalized this instance for a long time and was very confused at my young age, but the rude awakening was so impactful. The rude was how badly I was treated on this particular day, and the awakening how much I value relationships because of it…It was because of that instance that I told myself that I would always try my best to be a good friend to people. I would never purposefully hurt anyone or make anyone feel how I felt that day, and that I would always be there for others. That awakening has had impact throughout my life since then, as I still hold true to that. I still remember the awful and shocking feelings I had that day, and I recall very specifically telling myself that I would always be a warm and positive person for my friends, and I reflected on times when I was not so kind. The rude was realizing those people were not my friends at all, and it was okay to let go of those “friendships”. The awakening was moving past the fear of pushing back. It was owning times where I could have been a better friend. And it was letting go and promising myself I would never allow anyone to feel how I did that day if I could help it.

Rude awakenings are not easy by any means, but they are purposeful, and they make us human. They are unavoidable. They are necessary. Life has more impact and meaning when we are open to these moments…When we transition into the next step of who we are and allow ourselves to shed old relationships that are no longer meaningful.

True self-discovery begins where your comfort zone ends.

-keep shining

When you love yourself…

August 29, 2020 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

You smile more often
Your taste in people will change
You say no
You do not listen to outside opinions
Your confidence is your best friend
Your success matters more than how much you weigh
You are less stressed
You focus on your purpose
You understand your passions
You see the world through a positive lens
You are less judgmental
You gain self awareness
You leave toxic relationships behind
You are grateful for the little things
You trust the process
You do not let the expectations of others define you
You put yourself first
Your mindset evolves
Your values and goals begin to change
You are able to be vulnerable
You set boundaries
Your self care becomes a priority
You see yourself for you who are
You seek more opportunities
You learn to accept helpful criticism and apply it
You prioritize the health of your body and soul
You love unconditionally
You are living

-keep shining
(Click here to learn how to celebrate yourself)

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Treat Yo’ Self

August 9, 2020 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

When is the last time you celebrated yourself?
Told yourself that you’re proud?
Gave yourself a compliment?
Told someone about a recent success of yours?

We are pretty incredible, yet we always find ways to downplay our accomplishments, or find our flaws rather than focus on all we bring to this world.
Why are we embarrassed to celebrate ourselves? We practically despise recognizing our successes, or God forbid, talk about any of our skills or positive attributes. It makes us uncomfortable to put ourselves first when we should be recognizing how bad*ss we are.
You are unique. Your contributions, in whatever form they are, matter. You are worth celebrating. Therefore, treat yo’ self! Do not let yourself fall into the trap of believing that it’s not okay to talk about, celebrate, or recognize yourself. I think one of the biggest mistakes we make and one of the deepest pains we feel is when we deny our own positive attributes and accomplishments because we believe it is for the benefit of everyone else’s comfort. And that is simply not true. We are worth celebrating, and we must take some time to treat ourselves for all that we are.

Here are some ways I try to celebrate myself…

Affirmations
I know, this first one is super ‘social workey’, but it is true and is a hugely underutilized self care technique.
What do you want in your life, what do you desire, how do you want to feel, what do you want to believe to be true, and what do you want to remind yourself of every day? The answers to these questions can be found through daily affirmations. Write down a few goals you have for your life, what you want to see happen, and be specific. Or tell yourself a few things each day that make you feel good, proud, happy, sexy, successful…whatever it is you want to believe and remind yourself. Affirmations can simply be an acknowledgement of all the good that you are, and visualizations for what you’d like to see happen.
If this is challenging for you, just Google ‘affirmations’. There are many websites to help you understand and incorporate this into your every day life.

Give Yourself Permission
To do whatever it is you want. Take a break, say no, put yourself first, skip the gym, change plans…It’s going to be OKAY. Can’t we all just make it socially acceptable to give ourselves permission, and everyone else be understanding of that?! Cut yourself some slack, take a breather, and give yourself permission to look after you. This can also be giving yourself permission to love your body, forgive your mistakes, trust yourself, and let go of anything that no longer serves you.
Recite this sentence right now and see what comes to mind; I give myself permission to _________.
Doesn’t that feel GOOD?!

Allow Yourself To Give AND Receive
Yes, I know, how dare the thought come into my mind to tell you it’s okay to receive. How dare I suggest that we deserve to be complimented, to be given gifts, to be offered help. *GASPS*
Reread this sentence a few times…You are not taking away from anyone else by receiving. We can give and receive equally, and you accepting the giving side of others does not mean you’re selfish. In fact, by being open to receiving you are bettering yourself and those around you because you are more balanced. You must have both in your life to be the best you that you can be. Life will eat you alive if all you do is give to others.
We have all experienced relationships where someone would just take from us. We also have all experienced relationships where someone would refuse to ask for or receive help. These relationships are draining, and frankly annoying. Do not be this person (yes, I am talking to you, KAREN!), and also do not accept relationships that simply take from you. This is an area where you can give yourself permission to remove toxic relationships from your life.
Accept compliments, accept gifts, accept help, accept love. And also give because you enjoy it and it makes you feel good.

Take Opportunities
Guess what? You are worthy of all the opportunities that come your way; take them. You deserve it. Opportunities fall in your lap because they are absolutely meant to. And if you missed one, do not fret, there will always be more if you believe that you deserve them and open yourself up to experiences. By utilizing affirmations and finding balance, I can assure you opportunities will seem to start falling out of the sky. You are worthy of all the good that comes your way.

Celebrate Yourself
Yes, it’s okay to celebrate YOU. Sometimes it can be as little as buying your favorite coffee after you kicked a** at work, or simply because you feel you deserve a little self love and enjoyment of the little things in life…What are things you can do to remind yourself of how awesome you are? How can you celebrate yourself and make it a part of your routine?
This is different for everyone. It can be that coffee treat now and again, it can be to share your awesomeness with someone close to you, it can be to write it down, or it can be to share it widely on social media. The sky is the limit to how you celebrate your life, but always, ALWAYS, make time for this. If you do not acknowledge why you are here, then what is the point of living? You are here for a reason, celebrate that! Shout it from the rooftops if ya want, hunny!

Be Thankful
I know, this sounds obvious, but we overlook it often. If you find all the things going right each day, it brings about more abundance in your life. If you notice all the positivity that surrounds you, you’ll continually start to focus on all the good. Don’t you want to wake up and enjoy each day?
It is easy for us to point out and focus on the few setbacks we experience each day, and we always find something to complain about. If we focused half of that energy on seeing how 99% of our day is actually going well, we would be happier, plain and simple. It can be as little as finding a convenient parking spot, and taking a second to acknowledge how grateful we are. It can be to think about or write down 10 things we are thankful for today, and do this every morning or evening. It can be to smile at the thought of having your health, your family, a stable job, a lake home, an easy day at work, hitting all the green lights on your drive, receiving a compliment, eating a good meal, getting a good grade, receiving a gift…These are things that happen to us every day that we lose an opportunity to celebrate because we overlook. Amidst the chaos and tough times, there is so much to be thankful for!
(If you need some motivation and reminders, check out my Happy Things Thursday posts!)

Find Balance
Work is great because it provides us a sense of purpose and direction, but it is not the most important thing in our lives. If we have tunnel vision only looking towards the value of the dollar and our work ethic, we are missing out on what life is truly about. Our successes should just be a portion of life, as we are not here to work hard and die. It is upsetting to me to watch so many people going through life this way; wanting to work too hard now to play later in life. But what about the fact that we can have both, now and later on? We cannot give work all of our best effort if we do not stop to have fun and take a break once in a while. It is not good for our mental health as this is where we get bitter towards work. Do not let this happen…Not only do you start to burn out from your career, which you worked so hard to achieve, but you start losing interest in everything outside of work too. We start to hoard guilt over not working and being productive 24/7, and then feel anxious anytime we try to relax.
Repeat after me, it’s okay to waste time.
Say whaaa?! Yes, we can do nothing AND benefit from it. It restores us and gives us a brain break. We benefit from checking out from life, because it’s all about balance. Just like we need to give AND receive, we need to work AND play because this is when we can truly be our best selves. We cannot inhale without exhale; we need both to breathe. We cannot get to our destination if we don’t stop AND go; we need both to drive safely.

Life is incredible when we ease up, celebrate who we are, find purpose through our work, be grateful, accept kindness from others, and jump at new opportunities. Oh ya, and watch some Netflix and eat the damn donut…You know, treat yo’self.

When you celebrate yourself, you celebrate life~
-keep shining

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Tag: relationships (Page 1 of 4)

Rude Awakenings

Treat Yo’ Self

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