Tag: self development (Page 1 of 2)

What moving has taught me…

May 8, 2023 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

I had one of my dearest friends come visit me this past weekend, and several others within the last few months. And although it’s been a busy winter of guests and hosting, being able to spend time with some of the most important people in my life has completely rejuvenated me.

As friends and family all came from the snowy, cold north, we naturally spent a lot of time outdoors. I noticed that while we spent time on the beaches and by the water in my new home (which I like to call Paradise), I reflected so much on the last year and four months of my life since relocating.

This is all I want to leave with you today:

Fear isn’t negative. Sometimes it’s okay to jump in with two feet and not have a perfect plan for landing. It feels good to move past our fears and live through them. It gives us new perspective, it helps us trust ourselves, and we gain a new sense of confidence we may not have had before.

YOLO is a great life motto. Not only because it’s fun, but because it’s simply just true. Life is short…To live our entire lives always wondering and wishing is a complete waste. We are here to enjoy life and to be happy. Sometimes that comes with risk, because YOLO.

Take time to appreciate where you live. Spend a day or weekend pretending you are visiting. This can motivate you to try new things and explore in ways you haven’t done before. Mindfulness is so important! Pay attention to all the small things you appreciate about where you live, and learn new things to keep it fun and fresh.

Meaningful friendships aren’t always the most prevalent. Some of my favorite moments are reconnecting with friends over a quick chat or an hour-long phone call talking about WHAT IS LIFE. If you can pick up right where you left off with people and the conversations make you feel good, don’t let those friendships fizzle even if they aren’t there every day.

Push yourself out of your comfort zone and do scary things, and do so in a way that makes you feel challenged. Scary things can be exciting and rejuvenating. Sometimes we need to feel scared to appreciate the consistent and comfortable parts of our lives. We overlook comfort and get complacent, but to feel scared reminds us of what keeps us grounded. We feel grounded when we are comfortable, and we don’t want to take this for granted.

Love yourself enough to put yourself first. We live for other people all the time which can be stressful, confusing, and sad. What do YOU want when you take everyone else out of the equation? It’s important to think about that sometimes.

Missing people and places is okay. It feels good to cherish those people and places that live in your heart, and sometimes you appreciate them more when you miss them. It feels good to reminisce and smile about it. The fear of missing people and places should not stop you from making decisions for yourself. The people will always be there (thank you FaceTime and airplanes), and the places aren’t going anywhere.

You can always change your mind; you can always go back to the way things were if you don’t end up enjoying the risk you take. But at the end of the day, you can at least say you did it and now you know the outcome. Closure and understanding are beautiful things, even if they come with a little chaos.

Don’t regret the decisions you make. For starters, regret is a pointless and torturous feeling. And at the time the decisions were made, they were what was best for you in that moment with what you had and with what you knew. Nothing is permanent.

Faith is the real MVP. Trust yourself, trust your gut, and let life happen without having to control it all. Watch it all unfold for you and see how beautiful timing is when you allow yourself to follow your faith.

If you never try, you’ll never know~

-keep shining

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Radical Acceptance

January 8, 2023 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

With the start of another new year, I have been reminiscing on 2022 as well as pondering any changes I want to make for the next 365 days. What I typically land on each year is aiming to be more mindful; being present and letting go of control, not worrying so much, and slowing down in general. This seems to be an ongoing battle for me.
While thinking about my aims for 2023, part of what I came to realize is that sometimes the reason I struggle with these things is because I pull so much emotion into every aspect of my life that letting go and being present can feel challenging when I want to feel everything so deeply. Certainly, expressing emotions is an excellent tool we need and crave as humans, but sometimes the level in which we emote or feel can add so much stress to our lives and can cause a lot of unnecessary fear, worry and stress, drama, anger, distractions, and rumination.
All of this reminded me of the concept of radical acceptance.

Imagine yourself holding onto a microphone and someone asks you how you would let go of it. Most people would say they would simply drop it or give the mic to someone else. No one can really give you several steps or directions on how to let go of the mic. Plus, you already know intuitively what to do.
Now, if the microphone was a snake, would you ask or contemplate how to let it go? I bet in that situation you would not ask; you would drop the snake immediately because you have all the information you need at that moment.
When we can let go of things without too much contemplation or emotion, we allow ourselves more room to enjoy life and be present; as soon as you see what it is you want to let go of, you can simply stop clinging to it.
I heard the above scenario while perusing TikTok (The Minimalists episode 372), and I compared it to the idea of radical acceptance. In a nutshell, radical acceptance is the idea that we can accept situations that are outside of our control without judgement, which decreases the stress, worry, fear, anger that is caused by the situation itself. The suffering we put ourselves through is caused by the attachment we have to the pain rather than to the situation itself. We need to detach to overcome. This does not imply that we avoid our emotions, we just simply do not need to let the pain cause additional worry, fear, stress, anger, etc. It’s about being mindful of our emotions so we do not go down the rabbit hole of feeling worse than we need to. We accept the situation, objectively, for what it is even if we do not agree with it.

Radical acceptance comes in handy during times where we cannot fix or change situations. Sure, it may feel yucky, unbearable, unfair, or unkind, but we prolong our suffering if we cannot accept something for what it is and try to add more emotionally driven responses to it than necessary. Yes, we will feel remorse, disappointment, grief and sorrow, or anger as they are normal reactions when something happens to us that we did not anticipate or did not like. However, it’s choosing not to let the emotions take over and learning to accept things for what they are. It is when we practice radical acceptance that we can be more mindful and enjoy all the great things that are yet to come. Adding emotions is where we begin to torture ourselves because we ruminate on situations outside of our control. We get distracted, we dwell, we gossip, we avoid, and we get resentful. Think of radical acceptance as a way to be nicer to ourselves. It is not about forgiveness towards the person who caused the pain in the first place because the focus is on you and loving yourself enough to ease up.

It is not easy to do, but ultimately to practice radical acceptance we have to focus more on our Logical Mind as that is where we are able to remain calm and objective. When we remind ourselves of what we can control, we can better detach from the feelings associated with the situation. To focus specifically on the reality is to be in what is called Wise Mind which is a balance between our emotions and our logic. This helps us to focus on moving past the situation and pushing onward. The goal is not to avoid our emotions, but to move through the emotion and have an “it-is-what-it-is” mindset. It is then that we can calmy and objectively accept things as they are.

This new way of thinking is easier when we are aware of situations that easily trigger us so we can prepare when unforeseen situations arise; this step is very important. I personally have to constantly remind myself that I can’t change it, that it is my reality, and that it’s out of my control. I try to focus on being mindful of what I can control, consider why this is affecting me so much by allowing myself to feel the emotions that come up, but then shift my focus on the gratitude I have for life even amongst the pain I am feeling. I remind myself that this too shall pass and someday it will not be as tough. The goal is committing to pushing past the pain and objectively understanding the need to let go. It is extra helpful to think of being on the other side of the hurdle and how much easier life gets when we allow ourselves to move forward versus sit in the yuckiness the situation and our emotional responses cause. We do not think about the what if’s, as those do not apply. Remind yourself of your resilience and that you can get through this, because you can, and you will, and you have before. You can have your emotions and also still choose happiness.

Lastly, it’s important to differentiate between appropriately using the approach of radical acceptance versus using it as a reason to stay in an unhealthy situation. It works for situations where unexpected change occurs; you go through something traumatic, you come to a dead-end where nothing seems to be working, you are transitioning out of a job or relationship, or maybe you lose someone close to you. Those can all happen to us where we cannot control the situation or outcome. Radical acceptance doesn’t work when we choose to stay in an unhealthy situation (work, relationship, friendship, family dynamic), allow ourselves to be treated badly, lack motivation and drive, or when we live in fear and avoidance. These situations can be changed and improved, so it’s important that we acknowledge the difference.

The goal is for life to feel better, lighter, simpler, and be filled with joy. It takes time to make radical acceptance a natural habit, but the benefits of moving forward and letting go are worth it.

On this sacred path of Radical Acceptance, rather than striving for perfection, we discover how to love ourselves into wholeness.

-keep shining

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Life=Math, Math=Life

November 7, 2021 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Math = EEEEEW. I hate math, in fact, all social workers hate math. And often times social workers say they just, flat-out, refuse to do math. But, a few months ago, I had a fulfilling conversation with a friend and family member that has stuck with me. We discussed a concept of life being like math, as you add, subtract, multiply, and divide. We can either add to the world, subtract from the world, multiply the world, or divide it.
And we cannot move ahead in life without solving the problem in front of us…A solution exists somewhere and it is up to us to appreciate patience, learn the skill, and solve the problem before we can move forward.
It is a simple and obvious concept, but I find that sometimes the most obvious motivators and solutions need to be said out loud…Who do you want to be? Do you want to add positivity to the world, do you want to take away from it, do you want to multiply the impact you have on the world, or do you want to divide the world? Do you want to find solutions, or cheat your way through? Who are you now, and who do you want to be?

During the conversation I was having with these two insightful individuals, we discussed the connection between the math concept and being present in life and opportunity. When we open our eyes to our surroundings, we constantly have opportunity knocking at our doors. It is up to us to recognize it and decide if we take a leap of faith, or if we live in our every day normal.

Although these two concepts seem very different, they are related. Our ability to multiply and add to the world enhances our ability to understand and see faith in taking leaps and recognizing opportunity. What is life if we do not try new things, if we do not step out of our comfort zone, and what impact could we have if we change our attitudes and behaviors? In order to live life fully and be open to opportunity, we have to understand our impact on the world; what we add to it, or what we wish to add.

When I am fearful and hesitant to take a leap of faith or step out of my comfort zone, the first thing I ask myself is, what is the worst thing that could happen? I allow myself to go there; to the most fearful and risky part of the situation. I play that out, and then I find the solution to that problem, should it happen. Because even in the worst of times, we have proven to ourselves that we can get through it, as we are all still here, right? In the worst of times, we have pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps and gotten through it.

I promised myself I would always explore the opportunity in front of me, go to the worst-case scenario, find the solution to that and ask myself if it is worth the risk. I evaluate my options and ask myself how I want to feel at the end of this rainbow…Would I rather have tried and maybe failed, to at least know the outcome? Would I rather take the chance of exploring the opportunity knowing it is where my heart truly is, and if I fail I have a higher faith in knowing it was all meant to be? Or do I live in my current situation, not ever and potentially always wondering what could have been?
The choice is up to you and what is most comfortable, which is the beauty of choice.

Life is about opportunity, exploration, and happiness. We are not meant to stay within a box of ‘societal norms’ and expectations we put on ourselves. Life is about learning, enjoying, and exploring. It is about taking risks and learning lessons, or taking risks and multiplying our impact when we find that the risk was worth it.

Speak your truth, and do not apologize for being exactly who you are. Change brings opportunity. Success comes from taking opportunities and taking that chance. We can create the right opportunity to add to our lives.

If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity, but you are not sure you can do it, say yes, then learn how to do it later. ~

-Keep shining

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Running on Empty

December 22, 2020 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Have you ever been afraid of stopping because you don’t know if you’ll ever be able to get back up?
Yeah, me too. It’s called distraction, anxiety, fear, avoidance, whatever it is that you are scared to face if you just stop…To stop means to rest, and when we rest we are flooded with the thoughts and responsibilities that we put on the back burner. And once we recognize the thoughts and responsibilities we avoid, we then know we have to either do something about them or let it eat up space in our brains. The busyness allows us to excuse the need to make changes. And conversely, because we are constantly on the go, there is a fear that we may enjoy the stopping and are unsure how to pick back up again once we allow ourselves to come down from all the chaos. We fear enjoying the breather, because what happens when we have to pick back up again and be who everyone expects us to? It can feel terrifying to allow ourselves to be relaxed and happy when we think it is temporary.
COVID has exacerbated this process as it has forced us to stop, which I think is part of the reason we are seeing an increase in people’s deterioration of mental health, and/or breakthroughs and realizations. COVID has forced us to pause parts of our lives and face the reality of why we kept running on empty for so long…

We have to start seeing our reality for what it is. There is no magic wand that will make what is not working start miraculously working. When we constantly run, we think we are outrunning our reality when we are really just avoiding and prolonging the inevitable. The inevitable may be coming to terms with fears of being alone, or starting over, not yet finding our purpose, knowing we need to stand up for ourselves, or not being happy with our current situation. The inevitable may also be needing to leave a job or a relationship, telling someone no, hurting someone’s feelings, making a decision that impacts others…The list goes on and on.

Recognize and appreciate hopelessness. I know this sounds silly, but once we are honest with ourselves and realize something is hopeless, we start to make changes because we know we have to. We can start becoming the person we know we are and strive to be…Once we release what is hopeless, we can put our focus on what is important now. Do not miss out on current potential because you’re avoiding change and holding onto what is hopeless.

Find balance. This is hard to do. People like to talk about self care as some fluffy term for drinking wine and taking baths. In reality, self care is discipline and coming to terms with your own sh*t. It is creating a work/life balance, and putting your needs first sometimes. It is having honest conversations with yourself, spending time alone with your thoughts, and then dealing with whatever it is you find.
You have to enjoy your life and the fluffy things, but you also need to hold yourself accountable, set boundaries, and take care of your body. Do not underestimate the power of proper exercise, diet, water intake, and sleep.
One exercise I recommend is “what is on your plate”. Draw a big circle and inside of it write down everything that is currently on your plate. On the outside of the plate, write down all of the things you want on your plate that you do not make time for. Then try to figure out how to rearrange it all…What are things you can take off your plate whether letting them go or delegating to someone else? What can you replace those things with that you want on your plate, such as more alone time, going to the gym, picking up a hobby, or focusing on an important relationship you’ve neglected? Just see what little things you can start to incorporate while simultaneously removing some of those hopeless responsibilities or random tasks that someone else can take on.

There are a lot of answers held within our bodies. Aches and pains and constant problem areas are usually telling us to pay attention to our somatic symptoms, as our emotional state directly correlates with our bodies. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, and body aches/pains and sensations are all connected; they all have influence over each other. The self care piece of this is to take time to do a body scan, discover and pay attention to problem areas, and then work through them. For example, lately I have had several headaches and stomach cramps. I know this is directly related to feeling frustrated and stressed, as I have come to realize that I clench my jaw when I am overwhelmed with things that frustrate me and cause me to feel stuck. Clenching my jaw gives me a headache which is my indicator that I am overwhelmed and distracted with intrusive thoughts. These thoughts give me stomach cramps because they make me anxious.
Moral of the story; do not ignore your body and simply accept the aches/pains, because it is truly trying to tell you something. Also, pay attention to when your body feels relieved and relaxed, and incorporate more of what causes those positive sensations into your life.

Communication with someone you trust is key. There is nothing more revitalizing than staying connected to others. Tell people how you feel, and use your support system when you need it. When we run on empty, typically the relationships we want the most suffer because we prioritize work and life stressors over them, thus becoming additionally stressed because we know we are neglecting those people. Do not let yourself lose those that mean the most to you because you prioritize the things that overwhelm you. Even if all you have time for that day is a phone call while driving to/from the gym or for five minutes before bed, find time for the people who make you feel good.
Also be sure you are choosing positive connections for communication. If we reach out to someone who is typically negative or toxic, this will not help uplift us when we are overwhelmed. Find people who are a positive impact on you, hold you accountable, are trustworthy, and support your life.

Silence is eye opening. I have said it before and I will say it again, add more silence to your life! We use noise as a filler to further distract ourselves when running on empty. Drive to/from work in silence, turn off the tv when you aren’t watching it, don’t listen to music when you shower…add in small bits of silence every day. This is when we can start to come to terms with what is draining us, what we are avoiding, what we are missing out on, and what it is we want for our lives. This is also where we get to know ourselves, and ensure we are checking in to put our happiness and goals at the forefront of our decisions. And doesn’t that sound nice?

“Every human has four endowments – self awareness, conscience, independent will, and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom…The power to chose, to respond, to change.”

-keep shining

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Shame.

November 4, 2020 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

One of the worst moments of my life was winning the grand and oh-so-important title of Homecoming Queen. I know this sounds ridiculous, however there are two main reasons why this day sucked so royally…For starters, I had no idea until that moment how truly mean people could be. Even friends that I was used to having in my corner were not, and I was blindsided by this. It was a time in my life of being very hurt, confused, and emotionally drained. I knew back then that homecoming was not something people remembered or that even mattered after high school. And frankly, I did not care whether or not I ‘won’ anything like that. But winning was the best thing that could have happened to me, because experiencing this kind of hate made me realize how important friendship is. I recall telling myself that I would never make anyone feel the way I felt. I decided in that moment if I am anything in this life, it’s that I will be remembered as a damn good friend.
The second reason this day sucked was because people I was not close with at all or spoke to much were the ones that were there for me. I was so grateful for them, but immediately felt an intense amount of guilt for not noticing or spending more time with these people throughout high school. That guilt has carried into adulthood, and I sometimes find that the guilt starts trickling into the most damaging feeling of all; Shame.

One thing we know about guilt is that it co-exists with shame. I still have small, random moments of feeling shame over that experience in my life. My thoughts go something like this, “what kind of person was I that I did not thank them more for being so nice, or that I didn’t spend time with them? I wonder what type of person they think I am. Did I hurt their feelings? Did they regret being so nice to me?” …Isn’t this absolutely ridiculous? The shame I still hold onto for something so small and irrelevant upsets me.

We all do this. We feel badly for so many things we did or did not do, or messed up, or regret (guilt), and then start to allow that guilt to define the type of person that we are (shame). Guilt is the feelings associated with I did something bad (the behavior), whereas shame is the thought that I am bad (self worth). Often times our guilt turns into shame…But it is so important to separate our behavior from who we are as a person.

It’s also important to understand that guilt is how we feel we have affected others, whereas shame relates directly with our feelings/beliefs about ourselves. Guilt is where we feel responsible for something we did, and shame is the painful awareness we are flooded with when we feel we are ‘improper’ or are now damaged in some way. The feelings we get from chalking ourselves up to being ‘damaged’ can be so overpowering and painful that it fogs our ability to further develop our sense of purpose, confidence, and worthiness. Once we move past the healthy feelings of guilt (empathy and recognizing that we feel badly for hurting someone) and into this feeling of being less-than (shame) is when we stunt our ability to grow. It’s when we listen to the internal beliefs we have about ourselves…The little voice that says, “I knew you couldn’t do it”, “I knew you’d fail”, or, “no one will ever love you”.

I am surrounded by shame, not only because as a female it’s unfortunately such a societal norm to feel shame, but also working with victims who are often blamed for the abuse they have experienced…Being told countless times by society that they had a choice or ‘asked’ for it, or are questioned for their decisions. Through these victims, I continually see how much shame interferes with personal growth. It is devastating to watch shame take over someone’s whole being and sense of self, and cause them to continually face the downward spiral of self hate. This is where people feel unworthy, self-loathing, and a sense of not belonging. There is nothing productive about shame because it’s where we become self destructive, careless, and defeated.

Take-Aways:

It is so important to separate person from behavior. Labels lead to developing a sense of shame.
Surround yourself with people who do not judge, blame, or label.
Tell yourself you love yourself, daily, and why. If this is hard or awkward for you, I would challenge you to have an honest conversation with yourself and unpack that. Find where the why is and start to explore reasons to love who you are and what you bring to the table.
Be more aware of positive/negative self talk. When you mess up, do you say, “I should not have done that”(guilt), or, “I am not a good person” (shame)? Focus on your behavior and how to change/learn from that, but you do not need to correlate that with the kind of person you are.
Think about all of your positive qualities, and then think of your flaws. If it’s uncomfortable or difficult to think of your positive traits, and/or your flaws list is larger and easier to talk about, work on changing that. Life is too short not to love who you are and celebrate that each and every day.
Talk about it. We cheer on people around us when they are vulnerable, yet we don’t want to do it ourselves. It feels scary, foreign, or like people will judge us. But talking about it helps us recognize and work through it, gives the shame less power in our brains, and provides some relief. We continue to go down the rabbit hole in our heads when we stay silent.
Accept that you are going to mess up, hurt people, embarrass yourself…These are normal experiences and we will never outrun them.
Learn what your triggers are…What are some environments where that little voice likes to chime in? Prepare yourself for this and be vigilant about identifying the feeling before it expands.
Quit apologizing for everything. We say sorry for being who we are, or for things we have no control over. Focus on and work towards letting go of this habit.
Do not give shame space in your head. You are lovely, just the way you are, but the key is that you believe it too.

Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change~

-keep shining

Blogs about guilt:
Guilty Conscious
Free Yourself From Guilt
Color Outside The Lines

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