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Tag: vulnerability

Rude Awakenings

I was paging through one of my journals the other day, and in this particular journal I write quotes, words, and random thoughts that come into my head. As I paged through a lot of my twirly-whirly drawings and colorful words, I stopped on something that resonated with me that day…The page read, “Rude Awakening: Rude is temporary, Awakening is permanent.” 
For some reason on this particular day, the quote really stuck out to me. I do not recall even scribbling it down in the first place, but I pondered the importance of it…
Rude awakenings do not have to be scary, bad, traumatizing, or negative. They probably feel that way in the moment, but it’s all about perspective; how we take that moment and apply it to our lives. Rude is where we learn, it’s where we get stunned, blindsided, or maybe some old karma surfacing. It’s what happens to us or catches up to us that may not feel so great in the moment, but ultimately leads to the awakening portion of the journey. It’s a quick and painful (or shocking) realization that leads us into the next phase of awakening, which can also feel scary or traumatizing, bad or negative. But the ultimate power in awakening is that it can be the beginning to a lifelong journey of discovery. It’s about temporary suffering, which can provide us with some understanding and realization if we allow it to.
Rude awakenings guide us towards a more mindful and purposeful way of living, and we can use our awakening period to recreate and redefine parts of ourselves. We become more aware…We move through the rude, which is the part that no longer serves us once we experience it, and we awaken into some hard and honest self-reflection and change. It is finally realizing something that may have been in front of us all along, but now we are being slapped in the face with it because we can no longer avoid or ignore it…We finally have an epiphany that this short-term (rude) piece helped us to arrive at.

The definition of Rude Awakening: The sudden and unexpected discovery of an unpleasant fact or truth. 
It is to discover that maybe, we haven’t really grown or changed much at all in all our years on earth. Or we actually didn’t know it all, or we can’t continue to avoid looking ourselves in the mirror and dealing with our stuff. We can no longer avoid self-awareness and change because of the unpleasantry we discovered in ourselves that has overstayed its welcome. All of this is a positive thing because it’s where we turn our lives around and find motivation. It’s where we realize we do not want to do, be, act certain ways and finally buck up, put our egos aside and deal with it. It’s like hitting rock bottom, but adding one step further, because not only do we realize we are at the end of our rope (rock bottom), but we actually admit it and mindfully do something about it. We make amends with ourselves and others. We awaken and take on the challenges of change, growth, awareness, and self-discovery, because it’s worth it. You are worth it.

People get so caught up in avoiding these parts of themselves instead of allowing our vulnerabilities to be owned and accepted, because vulnerability can feel scary, overwhelming and intimidating. It sucks to come to terms with the ugly parts of us and where it comes from. We mask and avoid with addiction, pride and ego, distractions and excuses, staying busy, and frankly just being stubborn.

And sometimes, the rude awakening may be discovering something about someone else that practically gave you whiplash…It could be specific to a job, relationship, business deal, etc. and discovering someone else dropped the ball. The whiplash may be that we were awakened to the realness and unfortunate truth of that relationship and someone else’s true colors. And frankly, it sucks when that happens because we have no control over it. No one likes to be disappointed by someone they trusted or liked. But, remembering that the rude is temporary and the awakening is permanent, how can we own that situation and move forward? How can we come to realize, even when by surprise, what the relationship really was and how to use it to our advantage instead of wallowing in our disappointment? We have to open our eyes to the whole picture, grieve, be upset, and move forward. The awakening part provides more insight, awareness, and vigilance to use throughout our lives when interacting with others.
There have been a few very impactful rude awakenings with jobs and friendships in my life, as I am sure it has for many of you as well. I can recall being so stunned by how I was bullied in one particular instance in high school. I personalized this instance for a long time and was very confused at my young age, but the rude awakening was so impactful. The rude was how badly I was treated on this particular day, and the awakening how much I value relationships because of it…It was because of that instance that I told myself that I would always try my best to be a good friend to people. I would never purposefully hurt anyone or make anyone feel how I felt that day, and that I would always be there for others. That awakening has had impact throughout my life since then, as I still hold true to that. I still remember the awful and shocking feelings I had that day, and I recall very specifically telling myself that I would always be a warm and positive person for my friends, and I reflected on times when I was not so kind. The rude was realizing those people were not my friends at all, and it was okay to let go of those “friendships”. The awakening was moving past the fear of pushing back. It was owning times where I could have been a better friend. And it was letting go and promising myself I would never allow anyone to feel how I did that day if I could help it.

Rude awakenings are not easy by any means, but they are purposeful, and they make us human. They are unavoidable. They are necessary. Life has more impact and meaning when we are open to these moments…When we transition into the next step of who we are and allow ourselves to shed old relationships that are no longer meaningful.

True self-discovery begins where your comfort zone ends.

-keep shining

Shame.

One of the worst moments of my life was winning the grand and oh-so-important title of Homecoming Queen. I know this sounds ridiculous, however there are two main reasons why this day sucked so royally…For starters, I had no idea until that moment how truly mean people could be. Even friends that I was used to having in my corner were not, and I was blindsided by this. It was a time in my life of being very hurt, confused, and emotionally drained. I knew back then that homecoming was not something people remembered or that even mattered after high school. And frankly, I did not care whether or not I ‘won’ anything like that. But winning was the best thing that could have happened to me, because experiencing this kind of hate made me realize how important friendship is. I recall telling myself that I would never make anyone feel the way I felt. I decided in that moment if I am anything in this life, it’s that I will be remembered as a damn good friend.
The second reason this day sucked was because people I was not close with at all or spoke to much were the ones that were there for me. I was so grateful for them, but immediately felt an intense amount of guilt for not noticing or spending more time with these people throughout high school. That guilt has carried into adulthood, and I sometimes find that the guilt starts trickling into the most damaging feeling of all; Shame.

One thing we know about guilt is that it co-exists with shame. I still have small, random moments of feeling shame over that experience in my life. My thoughts go something like this, “what kind of person was I that I did not thank them more for being so nice, or that I didn’t spend time with them? I wonder what type of person they think I am. Did I hurt their feelings? Did they regret being so nice to me?” …Isn’t this absolutely ridiculous? The shame I still hold onto for something so small and irrelevant upsets me.

We all do this. We feel badly for so many things we did or did not do, or messed up, or regret (guilt), and then start to allow that guilt to define the type of person that we are (shame). Guilt is the feelings associated with I did something bad (the behavior), whereas shame is the thought that I am bad (self worth). Often times our guilt turns into shame…But it is so important to separate our behavior from who we are as a person.

It’s also important to understand that guilt is how we feel we have affected others, whereas shame relates directly with our feelings/beliefs about ourselves. Guilt is where we feel responsible for something we did, and shame is the painful awareness we are flooded with when we feel we are ‘improper’ or are now damaged in some way. The feelings we get from chalking ourselves up to being ‘damaged’ can be so overpowering and painful that it fogs our ability to further develop our sense of purpose, confidence, and worthiness. Once we move past the healthy feelings of guilt (empathy and recognizing that we feel badly for hurting someone) and into this feeling of being less-than (shame) is when we stunt our ability to grow. It’s when we listen to the internal beliefs we have about ourselves…The little voice that says, “I knew you couldn’t do it”, “I knew you’d fail”, or, “no one will ever love you”.

I am surrounded by shame, not only because as a female it’s unfortunately such a societal norm to feel shame, but also working with victims who are often blamed for the abuse they have experienced…Being told countless times by society that they had a choice or ‘asked’ for it, or are questioned for their decisions. Through these victims, I continually see how much shame interferes with personal growth. It is devastating to watch shame take over someone’s whole being and sense of self, and cause them to continually face the downward spiral of self hate. This is where people feel unworthy, self-loathing, and a sense of not belonging. There is nothing productive about shame because it’s where we become self destructive, careless, and defeated.

Take-Aways:

  • It is so important to separate person from behavior. Labels lead to developing a sense of shame.
  • Surround yourself with people who do not judge, blame, or label.
  • Tell yourself you love yourself, daily, and why. If this is hard or awkward for you, I would challenge you to have an honest conversation with yourself and unpack that. Find where the why is and start to explore reasons to love who you are and what you bring to the table.
  • Be more aware of positive/negative self talk. When you mess up, do you say, “I should not have done that”(guilt), or, “I am not a good person” (shame)? Focus on your behavior and how to change/learn from that, but you do not need to correlate that with the kind of person you are.
  • Think about all of your positive qualities, and then think of your flaws. If it’s uncomfortable or difficult to think of your positive traits, and/or your flaws list is larger and easier to talk about, work on changing that. Life is too short not to love who you are and celebrate that each and every day.
  • Talk about it. We cheer on people around us when they are vulnerable, yet we don’t want to do it ourselves. It feels scary, foreign, or like people will judge us. But talking about it helps us recognize and work through it, gives the shame less power in our brains, and provides some relief. We continue to go down the rabbit hole in our heads when we stay silent.
  • Accept that you are going to mess up, hurt people, embarrass yourself…These are normal experiences and we will never outrun them.
  • Learn what your triggers are…What are some environments where that little voice likes to chime in? Prepare yourself for this and be vigilant about identifying the feeling before it expands.
  • Quit apologizing for everything. We say sorry for being who we are, or for things we have no control over. Focus on and work towards letting go of this habit.
  • Do not give shame space in your head. You are lovely, just the way you are, but the key is that you believe it too.

Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change~

-keep shining

Blogs about guilt:
Guilty Conscious
Free Yourself From Guilt
Color Outside The Lines

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When you love yourself…

  • You smile more often
  • Your taste in people will change
  • You say no
  • You do not listen to outside opinions
  • Your confidence is your best friend
  • Your success matters more than how much you weigh
  • You are less stressed
  • You focus on your purpose
  • You understand your passions
  • You see the world through a positive lens
  • You are less judgmental
  • You gain self awareness
  • You leave toxic relationships behind
  • You are grateful for the little things
  • You trust the process
  • You do not let the expectations of others define you
  • You put yourself first
  • Your mindset evolves
  • Your values and goals begin to change
  • You are able to be vulnerable
  • You set boundaries
  • Your self care becomes a priority
  • You see yourself for you who are
  • You seek more opportunities
  • You learn to accept helpful criticism and apply it
  • You prioritize the health of your body and soul
  • You love unconditionally
  • You are living

-keep shining
(Click here to learn how to celebrate yourself)

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Who Are You?

I am the unwavering love that encompasses you every minute of every day. I am the calm before the storm, and the calm once the storm subsides. I am the truth, I am real. I am everything you want to be, and what you realize you already are. I am your base, the support to guide you. Trust in me, and in turn you’ll trust yourself. I am the kindness and warmth in your heart. I am strength. I am vulnerability. Growth is a part of me. I am peace. I am everywhere, and I am incredible…I am you.

-keep shining

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The Power of Vulnerability

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It’s true….The word ‘vulnerable’ is viewed pretty negatively. It makes sense that the word is viewed negatively because to be vulnerable means that we are in a state of weakness, being more susceptible to physical or emotional harm. It reminds us that we have insecurities and cannot cope with everything that comes our way. And who wants to ever be in a state of weakness? Who would want to have insecurities?

In this society, there is so much importance placed upon being strong, independent, and smart. People strive to appear confident and unbreakable. It is a part of our society that has been engraved into our brains, especially for males. But, being strong and confident all the time is exhausting, is it not? Wouldn’t it be nice to put down the facade from time to time and admit that we just cannot handle it anymore?
Well what if I told you that embracing your weaknesses will make you a more confident individual? Would you believe me?

I want you to know that is it okay to be vulnerable…There is no greater strength as a human than to be open to vulnerability.

Personally, I have difficulty admitting to being wrong and apologizing. I feel extremely vulnerable when I know I am wrong because I know I need to own up to those mistakes and voice my apology where an apology is due. I know I cannot escape my mistake until I own up to it and make it right. I dread it, and frankly, I am bad at it. However, there is a huge feeling of relief and a huge feeling of empowerment when I own up to vulnerabilities such as these. There is something about breaking down your walls, being vulnerable, telling the truth, and admitting your weaknesses that feels so good. And do you want to know why?
Because we are human. Humans are supposed to have moments of weakness, humans are supposed to have faults. How do we learn if we do not let ourselves be vulnerable? It is in times of weakness that we learn our strengths, we learn what we are made of, and we learn how we are going to come out on top. That is immense strength. To be vulnerable is the ability to put our egos aside and know that doing so is okay. It is a part of healing wounds, it is a part of working on those vulnerabilities to make them our strengths. Having failures, feeling uncertain, and being accountable are all a normal part of life. So, since we have to deal with those things, why not embrace them and make it easier on ourselves?

When was a time where you felt your weakest? How did you overcome that, and what did you learn?
In the moment , feeling weak or hopeless is not ideal and not something we want to face. But afterwards, it can feel really great if we open ourselves up to accepting our weaknesses and work on them. Self-awareness plays a huge role here, and being open to looking at each vulnerability as something we need to learn from. Why is this something that makes me feel vulnerable? What about my past makes this situation so difficult to overcome? Why is this insecurity of mine coming to the surface? And how can I make the most of this situation?
Another important piece of self-awareness is to set healthy boundaries with others. You do not want people to take advantage of your vulnerabilities, so to be aware of them is to protect yourself as well.

I challenge you to start verbalizing how you feel in each moment and be open to revealing your flaws to others. This step is truly exhilarating.
Vulnerabilities are purposefully put into our lives because we are meant to put down our walls and overcome barriers. Ask yourself how you can make your vulnerabilities your biggest strengths.

We all have fears of sharing too much and not being accepted by others. We neglect ourselves of truly connecting with people when we are always focused on being desirable rather than being who we are. It takes courage to accept the parts of ourselves we are ashamed of. Embrace and celebrate your shortcomings, and be open to other people’s as well. Ironically enough, you will find that embracing your flaws will make you a more confident individual.

Moving on, I want you to know that vulnerability helps us to be more humble. One huge gift that vulnerability provides us with is to ask for and accept help from others. Being able to accept help and genuinely thank someone can be as difficult as saying I’m sorry. But we must have a healthy balance between giving and receiving. We feel strong when we are the giver, the ‘one who knows’. We love to give, which is a great thing! But, it takes a healthy dose of humility to accept help and admit that we do not know everything. It is overwhelming and stressful to always be the giver. Graciously accept help. To ask for help is to look at a situation squarely and know that you cannot do it all. Humans are not made to be perfect. Needing help is being real with yourself, it is being smart and realistic.

Tidbits to review today:
1. Focus on self-awareness in moments of weakness. Be aware of your vulnerabilities so you can set boundaries with others.
2.  Connect with people on a deeper level, do not focus on being desirable but instead on being YOU.
3. Celebrate and embrace your insecurities. They make you who you are, and by being more self-aware you can improve on those insecurities.
4. Failure and mistakes are normal. They make us human and help us learn.
5. Be open to revealing your flaws to others and verbalize how you feel, and know that it is okay to be uncertain sometimes.
6. To ask for help is humbling. It is smart and realistic to know that we cannot do it all. Asking for help and being the receiver is healthy. Accept help and provide thanks to the giver.

I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. To be human is to be in vulnerability. –  Brene’ Brown

 

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