Relationship before Repair
This concept is SO important when forming and continuing relationships- positive and long lasting relationships. But let me tell you, it’s not easy. So what does this mean exactly?
Relationship before Repair means to focus on your relationship and connections with someone before repairing a problem or issue, or correcting someone due to a mistake that was made.
Here is a helpful example:
Let’s say you have a teenager. Let’s say this lovely, polite teenager decides not to come home for their curfew. When would a teenager do such a thing?! I can hardly imagine it 🙂
So, your child is not home and does not answer your calls. You’re worried, stressed, frantic, upset, disappointed. And in the midst of all your understandable flight of emotions, your lovely, polite teen comes through the door 2 hours after curfew.
What do you do?
I can tell you in that moment I would have a few choice words to say and send them straight to their room while I decided their fate! However, is this method really helpful in that moment? What will that teach your teen?
This is where we remember Relationship before Repair.
How much more memorable and meaningful would it be to focus on your relationship in that terrifying yet frustrating moment? When your teen comes through the door, wouldn’t it be better to first hug them and tell them how happy you are that they are safe and at home? To tell them how much you love them and how worried you were. And thanking them for coming home.
What would that tell a child? What does that teach them?
Imagine how much this concept can help your relationship with teens, with children, with coworkers, with significant others….
Think about what’s really important in these situations, and where the focus needs to be in these intense moments. Because honestly, amidst all your anger and frustration is relief. Relief that your child is home and is safe. In that moment, that should be our focus.
Now I’m not saying we don’t discuss the issue with that teenager, and I’m not saying we do not ground them. Consequences for actions are necessary at times and issues need to be addressed, but there is no sense of making consequences if there is no connection or relationship established. I can assure you most teens will not listen if they do not have a positive connection with you, and most people will be on the defense regardless of whether or not they are at fault.
People want to feel loved even in their worst moments. It is times like this, when people know they mess up or know they are wrong, that they need you the most. This is where you can prove to them that you are there for them for the long haul. This is where you prove that your relationship with them matters. So much can be defined from these moments, and the response you will get from people may shock you. Now I am not saying it always works and that teen will never be late again, but they will remember what you said and how you handled the situation, and that is what matters.
We say a lot when we are mad, it’s human. And some of what we say in our moments of anger later comes back to haunt us. Sometimes we are so angry we don’t even remember saying what we say. Relationship before Repair keeps us in check and reminds us what is truly important in the heat of the moment. It reminds us that we need to focus on the love we have for one another and let our love help define and strengthen our relationships.
-keep shining
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