Tag: Social Work (Page 2 of 13)

What moving has taught me…

May 8, 2023 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

I had one of my dearest friends come visit me this past weekend, and several others within the last few months. And although it’s been a busy winter of guests and hosting, being able to spend time with some of the most important people in my life has completely rejuvenated me.

As friends and family all came from the snowy, cold north, we naturally spent a lot of time outdoors. I noticed that while we spent time on the beaches and by the water in my new home (which I like to call Paradise), I reflected so much on the last year and four months of my life since relocating.

This is all I want to leave with you today:

Fear isn’t negative. Sometimes it’s okay to jump in with two feet and not have a perfect plan for landing. It feels good to move past our fears and live through them. It gives us new perspective, it helps us trust ourselves, and we gain a new sense of confidence we may not have had before.

YOLO is a great life motto. Not only because it’s fun, but because it’s simply just true. Life is short…To live our entire lives always wondering and wishing is a complete waste. We are here to enjoy life and to be happy. Sometimes that comes with risk, because YOLO.

Take time to appreciate where you live. Spend a day or weekend pretending you are visiting. This can motivate you to try new things and explore in ways you haven’t done before. Mindfulness is so important! Pay attention to all the small things you appreciate about where you live, and learn new things to keep it fun and fresh.

Meaningful friendships aren’t always the most prevalent. Some of my favorite moments are reconnecting with friends over a quick chat or an hour-long phone call talking about WHAT IS LIFE. If you can pick up right where you left off with people and the conversations make you feel good, don’t let those friendships fizzle even if they aren’t there every day.

Push yourself out of your comfort zone and do scary things, and do so in a way that makes you feel challenged. Scary things can be exciting and rejuvenating. Sometimes we need to feel scared to appreciate the consistent and comfortable parts of our lives. We overlook comfort and get complacent, but to feel scared reminds us of what keeps us grounded. We feel grounded when we are comfortable, and we don’t want to take this for granted.

Love yourself enough to put yourself first. We live for other people all the time which can be stressful, confusing, and sad. What do YOU want when you take everyone else out of the equation? It’s important to think about that sometimes.

Missing people and places is okay. It feels good to cherish those people and places that live in your heart, and sometimes you appreciate them more when you miss them. It feels good to reminisce and smile about it. The fear of missing people and places should not stop you from making decisions for yourself. The people will always be there (thank you FaceTime and airplanes), and the places aren’t going anywhere.

You can always change your mind; you can always go back to the way things were if you don’t end up enjoying the risk you take. But at the end of the day, you can at least say you did it and now you know the outcome. Closure and understanding are beautiful things, even if they come with a little chaos.

Don’t regret the decisions you make. For starters, regret is a pointless and torturous feeling. And at the time the decisions were made, they were what was best for you in that moment with what you had and with what you knew. Nothing is permanent.

Faith is the real MVP. Trust yourself, trust your gut, and let life happen without having to control it all. Watch it all unfold for you and see how beautiful timing is when you allow yourself to follow your faith.

If you never try, you’ll never know~

-keep shining

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Radical Acceptance

January 8, 2023 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

With the start of another new year, I have been reminiscing on 2022 as well as pondering any changes I want to make for the next 365 days. What I typically land on each year is aiming to be more mindful; being present and letting go of control, not worrying so much, and slowing down in general. This seems to be an ongoing battle for me.
While thinking about my aims for 2023, part of what I came to realize is that sometimes the reason I struggle with these things is because I pull so much emotion into every aspect of my life that letting go and being present can feel challenging when I want to feel everything so deeply. Certainly, expressing emotions is an excellent tool we need and crave as humans, but sometimes the level in which we emote or feel can add so much stress to our lives and can cause a lot of unnecessary fear, worry and stress, drama, anger, distractions, and rumination.
All of this reminded me of the concept of radical acceptance.

Imagine yourself holding onto a microphone and someone asks you how you would let go of it. Most people would say they would simply drop it or give the mic to someone else. No one can really give you several steps or directions on how to let go of the mic. Plus, you already know intuitively what to do.
Now, if the microphone was a snake, would you ask or contemplate how to let it go? I bet in that situation you would not ask; you would drop the snake immediately because you have all the information you need at that moment.
When we can let go of things without too much contemplation or emotion, we allow ourselves more room to enjoy life and be present; as soon as you see what it is you want to let go of, you can simply stop clinging to it.
I heard the above scenario while perusing TikTok (The Minimalists episode 372), and I compared it to the idea of radical acceptance. In a nutshell, radical acceptance is the idea that we can accept situations that are outside of our control without judgement, which decreases the stress, worry, fear, anger that is caused by the situation itself. The suffering we put ourselves through is caused by the attachment we have to the pain rather than to the situation itself. We need to detach to overcome. This does not imply that we avoid our emotions, we just simply do not need to let the pain cause additional worry, fear, stress, anger, etc. It’s about being mindful of our emotions so we do not go down the rabbit hole of feeling worse than we need to. We accept the situation, objectively, for what it is even if we do not agree with it.

Radical acceptance comes in handy during times where we cannot fix or change situations. Sure, it may feel yucky, unbearable, unfair, or unkind, but we prolong our suffering if we cannot accept something for what it is and try to add more emotionally driven responses to it than necessary. Yes, we will feel remorse, disappointment, grief and sorrow, or anger as they are normal reactions when something happens to us that we did not anticipate or did not like. However, it’s choosing not to let the emotions take over and learning to accept things for what they are. It is when we practice radical acceptance that we can be more mindful and enjoy all the great things that are yet to come. Adding emotions is where we begin to torture ourselves because we ruminate on situations outside of our control. We get distracted, we dwell, we gossip, we avoid, and we get resentful. Think of radical acceptance as a way to be nicer to ourselves. It is not about forgiveness towards the person who caused the pain in the first place because the focus is on you and loving yourself enough to ease up.

It is not easy to do, but ultimately to practice radical acceptance we have to focus more on our Logical Mind as that is where we are able to remain calm and objective. When we remind ourselves of what we can control, we can better detach from the feelings associated with the situation. To focus specifically on the reality is to be in what is called Wise Mind which is a balance between our emotions and our logic. This helps us to focus on moving past the situation and pushing onward. The goal is not to avoid our emotions, but to move through the emotion and have an “it-is-what-it-is” mindset. It is then that we can calmy and objectively accept things as they are.

This new way of thinking is easier when we are aware of situations that easily trigger us so we can prepare when unforeseen situations arise; this step is very important. I personally have to constantly remind myself that I can’t change it, that it is my reality, and that it’s out of my control. I try to focus on being mindful of what I can control, consider why this is affecting me so much by allowing myself to feel the emotions that come up, but then shift my focus on the gratitude I have for life even amongst the pain I am feeling. I remind myself that this too shall pass and someday it will not be as tough. The goal is committing to pushing past the pain and objectively understanding the need to let go. It is extra helpful to think of being on the other side of the hurdle and how much easier life gets when we allow ourselves to move forward versus sit in the yuckiness the situation and our emotional responses cause. We do not think about the what if’s, as those do not apply. Remind yourself of your resilience and that you can get through this, because you can, and you will, and you have before. You can have your emotions and also still choose happiness.

Lastly, it’s important to differentiate between appropriately using the approach of radical acceptance versus using it as a reason to stay in an unhealthy situation. It works for situations where unexpected change occurs; you go through something traumatic, you come to a dead-end where nothing seems to be working, you are transitioning out of a job or relationship, or maybe you lose someone close to you. Those can all happen to us where we cannot control the situation or outcome. Radical acceptance doesn’t work when we choose to stay in an unhealthy situation (work, relationship, friendship, family dynamic), allow ourselves to be treated badly, lack motivation and drive, or when we live in fear and avoidance. These situations can be changed and improved, so it’s important that we acknowledge the difference.

The goal is for life to feel better, lighter, simpler, and be filled with joy. It takes time to make radical acceptance a natural habit, but the benefits of moving forward and letting go are worth it.

On this sacred path of Radical Acceptance, rather than striving for perfection, we discover how to love ourselves into wholeness.

-keep shining

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Lettin’ er Go

August 20, 2022 / MelKai23 / 1 Comment

Let me put this bluntly; Not everyone who hurts you cares…
Ouch, that stings. I know.
And nothing is more painful or frustrating than spending our time ruminating on our hurt when we know the person who has caused it is not one bit concerned…Why don’t they care? What did I do to deserve this? I did not see this coming. Why haven’t they said sorry, or reached out? Why can’t I just let this go? Why did they hurt me?

We taint incredible life moments when we spend all our time thinking about someone irresponsibly hurting us. Thinking about why they did it, why they don’t seem to care or acknowledge…We lose sight of special moments when we focus on being befuddled by their actions, often missing out on being in the moment because we are stuck desperately trying to piece everything together to make sense of it. So why can’t we let it go, and how do we?

Here are my thoughts:

It’s hard work, and it takes a lot of discipline and patience to get yourself there. One helpful statement I came across is, “when someone has a ‘problem’ with you and they don’t come to you with it, that is not your problem”. If they do not come to you to fix that issue, that is their problem. There is nothing for you to do. If you think they are having a problem or they are acting differently, it is their responsibility to come to you. It is their issue therefore if they’re not coming to you, let it go. You are not the one with the ‘problem’ which means no sweat off your back. We often ask ourselves what we have done wrong or hypothesize how can we fix it, when it is not our issue. Can you check in with them and ask? Sure, have at it. However, try to remind yourself that the issue lies within the other involved party as this takes some weight and frustration away. It is not solely your responsibility.
Secondly, forgiveness does not have to mean you let someone off the hook for hurting you. It can simply mean you are moving forward, forgiving and releasing the pain so you do not sit in this icky space any longer. You can forgive the things that caused you pain, but you do not need to forget. You can remember how that person treated you so your future approach with them is different. For example, maybe I lend someone money who does not pay me back. I can forgive them so I do not hold onto the negative energy that does not serve a purpose to me, but you better believe I will not forget that and never loan them money again. Or perhaps you know a good friend of yours has lied to you and they are not coming clean. You may just choose not to trust them in the same way anymore and are more cautious about what you share…
We do not forget what happened, but we forgive in order to relieve ourselves of the anger. We give the other person power if we bathe in our feelings of resentment or anger. Release the energy from this and put it towards something more positive and worthy, perhaps.
Sometimes, the people in our life are just selfish. You get to decide if you want to engage with that person or not. If you understand the person well, you may know that they only want to win, and that regardless of your feelings or responses to the pain they caused you, they will still end with the upper-hand and the last word. Selfish people just want what they want, and it’s important that we identify them so we can more easily move on without letting their hurt cause us to waste our time.
I can assume you are a caring, thoughtful, and nice person, and for those of us who are, we try SO hard to make things right and struggle to cut ties. It’s a blessing and a curse to be so incredibly kind, isn’t it?
It’s hard to spot these self-centered people sometimes until we get blindsided by their actions, and it stings. Start asking yourself questions to help cut those toxic ties:
- Why would they say/do that to me?
- What is their goal?
- What do I mean to them if they are treating me this way?
- What are they getting out of this?
Sometimes people’s actions trigger us. Our past experiences and traumas, fears, wants and wishes, etc. can cause us to react more intensely to certain people or situations than what is typical for us. It’s important to recognize if this person’s actions are triggering something deeper within us so we can examine and understand that part of who we are and what we expect from those in our lives. If you find yourself really struggling to move forward from the human who mindlessly hurt you, ask yourself these questions:
- Why is this particular situation or person so difficult for me?
- What past experiences or circumstances, fears, or wants may be affecting my reaction?
- What were my expectations of this person who hurt me?
- Does this remind me of something I have been through?
Do not assume. This one, my friends, is a difficult task. How many times do we think we know that someone is upset, or their tone was off, or “gee, I clearly rubbed them the wrong way”…All to find out that nothing was wrong at all? Or what if *GASPS* their demeanor had nothing to do with you but instead a completely separate situation? Shocking! Sometimes we get so caught up in making assumptions that we forget that those assumptions are not real. Who hasn’t gone into a total tailspin of fear or anger over something they later realized they were completely wrong about? *Raises hand* Guilty.
Maybe that is the whole reason you even decided to read today’s blog; you think someone is upset with you and you are unsure what to do about it. Ask yourself these questions:
- What led me to believe they would be angry at me, or would treat me this way?
- What facts do I have; how do I know this?
Know that you deserve better. Remind yourself of all of your strengths, because they are endless. I know, this feels cringe-worthy…My gosh, how could we possibly think so kindly of ourselves?! But if we want to move past how someone treated us, we have to remind ourselves that we deserve better, and why. If that feels like a tough task to accomplish, lean on friends and family to help remind you.
Celebrating all the incredible things you bring to the table helps to empower you to move forward and be happy. Happiness is the greatest gift of this lifetime, after all, and we do not allow ourselves enough of it. We need to care more about ourselves than the people who mindlessly hurt us.
And lastly…Bye FELICIA! Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Let it hurt
Let it bleed
Let it heal
And let it go

-keep shining

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Sh*t You Can Stop Apologizing For

February 21, 2022 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Standing up for yourself
The things you believe in
Changing your mind
How you feel
Not meeting someone’s expectations of you
Saying no
Eating or drinking how you want to
Disagreeing with someone’s opinion
Not having the answer
Needing help
Going with your gut
Boasting about yourself
Being assertive
Taking selfies
Sharing your ideas and your opinions
For your past
What you’re wearing
Things out of your control
Not immediately responding to a text or returning a call
Sending a straightforward email
Having doubts
Speaking honestly
Thinking outside of the norm
Setting boundaries
Not smiling all the time
Prioritizing yourself

-keep shining
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Happiness is Religion

April 13, 2021 / MelKai23 / 0 Comments

Life is too short.
We say this often in various situations, but how many times do we actually apply it to our lives? How often do we think about what this really means, and if we truly live by these words when we say them?

My mom and I were having a discussion about this recently, and she said something that had a great impact on me. In talking about the life-is-too-short mentality, we focused in on the concept of happiness. Within this conversation, she said, “You should always strive for happiness. What gives you peace, what fills your bucket and brings you joy? Everything flows with that. We get distracted with so much of our life. Happiness should be our top priority, it’s why we are here. This is our biggest calling and it’s how we become our best selves; by putting ourselves first… Live in your happiness, and be happiness. Happiness is my religion.”

First of all, now you see why I tell everyone my mother is my free therapist. I wrote down her words of wisdom that day and have reflected back on them ever since. I reread them, smile (because of how uplifting and true this is), apply this mindset to my day, and focus on happiness being the upmost purpose of my world.

Within this uplifting conversation, my mom and I both expressed our frustration when people, including ourselves, settle in life… We settle in jobs, relationships, situations, lifestyles or locations. We sacrifice our happiness a lot, and after looking back on this conversation, I believe there are two reasons why: fear and pain.

We sit in unhappiness. We wait for it to change, and we avoid what needs to happen to transition into a space that we know and feel will make us happier. We wait for the feelings to dissipate and convince ourselves it isn’t that bad, because being unhappy in our everyday ‘normal’ feels safer than stepping into the unknown. Putting ourselves first and advocating for our own happiness can sometimes come with change. We fear change, we run from it because it feels unsafe and risky. We focus more on the process rather than the end goal of where it leads. We fear the period of growth and prefer sitting in what we know doesn’t bring us the joy we deserve.
We also do not want pain for others. Putting ourselves first sometimes comes at a price of ‘causing’ pain for someone. I have learned a lot recently about not taking on other people’s pain as my own; that my decisions may affect people, but their reaction is not my responsibility.
It is okay to put yourself first, speak your truth, and not take on the pain of someone else who does not approve of your decision to find your happy-place. Your attitude and effort is all you can control, and wrong does not exist here. Unhappiness cannot exist in the space of a great attitude and the effort you put into finding yourself, because you decided to choose happiness. You decided that your joy takes precedent over feeling badly for someone’s reaction to it.

Listen to that little voice that wants more, feels more, and knows that there are things you could change to be happier. And again, isn’t that our ultimate goal? What is really stopping you? Why wouldn’t you want what you can have, if it will bring you the joy you deserve?

There are so many beautiful reasons to be happy…And it’s about being able to let go of what makes you sad. This comes from our own actions and self-accountability. I find that when I strive for happiness, I allow myself to feel the fear and accept that it may be there. I accept the fear, grief, and impact it may have on others. But I also have confidence in that allowing myself to take it on head first has opened up so many more doors of opportunity for me. When I follow my heart, I am never mislead. It can feel scary, and some people have experienced pain from my decisions. But I learned not to let it stop me. I cannot live for other people’s comfort over my own. I cannot control their emotions and reaction to my own personal decisions, and neither can you… You cannot live your entire life for other people.
And you know what else I have learned? It always ends up making sense, and I believe that. We are the best versions of ourselves when we are happy. I view happiness as a spiritual experience that comes with appreciation, love, grace, and patience. Happiness does not mean perfection, it’s a state of mind you choose. And why not choose it? There is no end game, it’s an ongoing journey.
It’s your ongoing journey.

Choosing happiness alters your state of mind. When you view things from the lens of I-am-going-to-be-happy-today, you see things as such. Even on a rough day, you see the beauty and purpose in that knowing happiness is on the other side. Everything we experience has purpose if we let it. If we go through life dreading and complaining, we miss opportunities to see why those tough days exist. Without tough days, we would not experience the highs of happiness. We can still see through the current moment and have faith that our joy is right around the corner, because it is.

You should always strive for happiness. What gives you peace, what fills your bucket and brings you joy? Everything flows with that. We get distracted with so much of our life. Happiness should be our top priority, it’s why we are here. This is our biggest calling and it’s how we become our best selves; by putting ourselves first… Live in your happiness, and be happiness. Happiness is my religion.

-keep shining

(If you want more happy things in your world, check out the Happy Things Thursday section of my blog.)

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