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Tag: life (Page 1 of 6)

New Wins, Old Worries

So, you finally get the thing you asked for…

The job.
The relationship.
The move.
The baby.
The opportunity.

The version of life you once laid in bed praying for, aching for, fighting for.

And suddenly… you notice something unexpected.

Maybe you’re not as happy as you thought you’d be.
Or you feel oddly anxious, unsettled, heavy.
Like something isn’t quite right, but you can’t put your finger on it.

You start to question everything:
Am I good enough for this?
What if I mess it up?
Do I even deserve this?
Is this really what I wanted?

And then comes the mental spiral—the relentless reel playing in your head:
Did I say too much in that meeting?
Should I have worded that email differently?
Do they think I’m too much? Too quiet? Not enough?
Am I in over my head?
Did I make a mistake? Do I regret this?

You overanalyze. You replay every interaction. You carry invisible weight on your shoulders, trying to make sense of it all.

And just when you think you’ve hit your breaking point, that voice shows up—the shame whisper:
“You should feel grateful. This is what you wanted, remember?”

If we are being honest, getting what you wanted doesn’t always feel the way you thought it would…And that is okay. Sometimes we hit milestones or reach goals and still feel… off. You think you should feel proud, accomplished, grateful. And maybe you do — but underneath that? A tight chest. Second-guessing. Impostor syndrome. A weird ache you can’t explain.

You’re not broken. You’re not ungrateful. You’re just human.

You can want something deeply and still feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of it.
You can be grateful and terrified at the same time.
You can step into the life you asked for and still find yourself grieving the version you left behind—the one with more sleep, fewer expectations, less pressure, more space.

“Sometimes the greatest thing you can do is sit with your discomfort and not let it define you.”

Sometimes overthinking becomes the way we try to manage that discomfort.
We micromanage what we say, how we show up, how we’re perceived—anything to feel a bit more in control. And when we’re not picking apart ourselves, we start picking apart the situation, the people, the possibilities, the worst-case scenarios.

I think this is where we get stuck:
We don’t always realize when we’ve moved from processing into spiraling. Or we avoid as much as possible and aren’t honest with ourselves; we start to feel pretty lonely.

At first, it starts small—just a few second guesses here and there. But when we keep stuffing those thoughts down (avoid) because we feel ashamed, or ungrateful, or embarrassed, they start to fester. Maybe we’re afraid to admit that something doesn’t feel quite right, that it’s harder than expected, or that it’s simply not what we imagined. Maybe being honest feels scary—because honesty makes it real.

Here’s what I’ve learned (and get slapped in the face with every once in a while):


Let’s talk about that title for a second.

New Wins, Old Worries.
When you really sit with it, “old worries” might not be entirely accurate. The worries aren’t always old in the literal sense — they might be new reactions to new roles, or evolved anxieties showing up in familiar patterns. But what does feel old is the cycle: the self-doubt, the overthinking, the pressure to feel only gratitude.

And often, that “old worry” is guilt. Or shame.
The stuff we’ve been conditioned to feel anytime our gratitude isn’t loud enough to silence our struggle.
The message we absorb — sometimes subtly, sometimes directly — is: If you’re lucky, you shouldn’t feel anything but lucky.

So while the specifics may be fresh, the emotional experience has a “here we go again” familiarity.

Overthinking is often a sneaky form of self-protection.
It gives us the illusion of control. We think that if we replay something enough times, we can prevent future pain or dissect where it went wrong. But really, we’re just reinforcing our fear and causing unnecessary stress. All of this ruminating becomes pretty exhausting and time consuming.

The transition into something new is harder than people admit.
You don’t just snap into your new role or identity overnight. There’s an adjustment period—an awkward, tender in-between filled with discomfort, doubt, and identity shifts. There’s even grief—because even good things bring change, and change brings loss.

Feeling conflicted doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful.
You’re allowed to hold multiple truths at once. You can feel proud and panicked, excited and exhausted, fulfilled and still quietly wondering what comes next. Human emotions are messy and layered. Let them be.

Sometimes, your brain is just trying to keep you safe.
If you’ve experienced trauma or instability, joy might feel like a setup. You brace for disappointment because that’s what you’ve been conditioned to expect. And in that tension, self-sabotage can sneak in—we’d rather blow it up ourselves than wait for it to fall apart. At least then, we’re in “control”.

You’re not on everyone else’s mind as much as you think.
Seriously. They’ve moved on from that moment. You can too. And if they haven’t? That’s about them. Life gets a little lighter when you stop making yourself small just to fit inside someone else’s opinion. You don’t owe anyone a performance, but you do owe it to yourself to take up space in your own life—to prioritize your peace, your needs, your growth.

The problem isn’t the thought—it’s what we do with it.
It’s okay to have a weird, anxious, uncertain thought. But the second we start thinking about our thought – dissecting it, assigning meaning to it, and making it mean something about who we are… that’s when we spiral. Thoughts aren’t facts. They’re not predictions. They’re just thoughts. Let them pass through you, not define you.


So What Can You Do?

Name it. (sometimes, even out loud)
“This is fear talking.”
“This is overthinking.”
“This is my brain trying to protect me.”
Labeling the experience gives us a bit of distance. It disarms the story.

Get out of your head and into your body.
Move. Stretch. Breathe. Step outside. Drink some damn water. Interrupt the spiral.

Talk it out.
Say the thing out loud to someone safe. Sometimes all it takes is hearing yourself to realize the thought doesn’t have power over you anymore or that is okay to be honest. Talking it through with someone supportive in your life can bring some relief, clarity and comfort.

And remember:
You are not behind, you are not wrong, you are not a bad person.

Transitions are tender. They are messy and hard and beautiful. They force us to meet ourselves in a new way. That process is sacred. Let it take the time it needs.

You didn’t make a mistake. Maybe it’s not what you imagined, but that doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice. Every experience—yes, even this one—is a teacher. Let it shape you. Let it stretch you. Let it clarify what you want next.

Be kind to past-you. That version of you who wanted this? They believed in your ability to carry it. Maybe it’s not what you pictured, but you made it here. You kept going. Give yourself grace.

So yeah—maybe you’re overthinking.
Maybe you’re struggling to enjoy the very thing you once begged for.
Maybe you’re quietly wondering why it doesn’t feel easier, better, more fulfilling.

But please remember this:

You’re not broken.
You’re not ungrateful.
You’re not the only one.

You’re just human, adjusting to the weight of growth.

Take a deep breath.
Feel it.
Let it pass.

And when in doubt—come back to the present.
There’s still life happening here, too.


“Becoming isn’t easy. It’s just worth it.”

-keep shining
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Authenticity

Accurate – Reliable – Genuine – Aware
These words describe authenticity, which is the true definition of being who we are. By being ourselves, we gain so much. And when we can focus on what we gain from being authentic, we can finally stop focusing on what we risk losing. (Hint: nothing.)

With today’s societal norms and expectations, we miss out on getting to know ourselves. Social media, expectations, and how we judge ourselves hinder us from getting to know who we are and being proud of it. By being authentic to who we are, we are more realistic, we stand up for what we believe in, we accept ourselves and others, we are thoughtful, and we feel free to express our emotions. Authentic people know what motivates them and are open to learning from mistakes. Doesn’t that sound nice? To simply release the need to look to others for approval because we do not need it. We do not have to be confused about who we truly are or want to be. We do not hide from expressing ourselves and we don’t judge others as much. Authenticity is total alignment with our values, beliefs, and psychological needs.

So why is this so scary?

Authenticity comes with self-discipline; we have to create a sense of balance and be open to self-reflection. It is to identify all aspects of ourselves and align with those things. But we fear judgment from others and honest conversations with ourselves because we live in a society where perfection and “fitting in” outweigh realism. We do not feel safe, whether in our own bodies or around others. We are overwhelmed with self-doubt and self-consciousness because authenticity can be a daunting and intimidating task…What happens if my values and beliefs go against the grain? Who will support me, who will laugh at me? Furthermore, we may have been conditioned to repress our true selves, whether we grew up in an abusive or unsafe home, a judgmental environment, or remain in a place where our emotions are unacceptable.

What can we do about it?

When you are yourself, others are better able to find you…If you pretend to be someone else, people can’t see you for who you are.” (Speak by Tunde Oyeneyin)

For me, mindfulness plays a huge role: Being mindful about how certain topics and conversations make me feel, being mindful of my own words and actions and understanding where they come from. I also try to be mindful of who/what I surround myself with, and why. I pay attention to how I feel in circumstances where I speak my truth, and I pay attention to the actions of people who I spend my time with – Do I align with them? “When you speak your mind, it’s like waving a flag people can see from a distance. Some will see it and say, ‘No, thanks, that’s not for me’, but I guarantee you the people in the back of the line, those people will see it and know to come.” Speak by Tunde Oyeneyin)

I also encourage people to explore their shame. After many years in social work, I find that shame is the most dangerous of emotions. I have an entire post dedicated to this topic and you can read it here.
Discovering where your shame comes from and releasing it can drastically increase your sense of self. Remove what no longer serves you – shame will absolutely torture you but has no purpose. Once you can release what is holding you back, you will be at peace and find it easier to be authentic.

Define what authenticity is for you. Or think of someone you find authentic and ponder what it is about them that you admire. What would help you feel more authentic, and how can you practice those behaviors? Discovering these behaviors may help you make decisions you have been avoiding for a while or finding the confidence to take the next step. Authenticity comes down to the awareness of your realness. All of your thoughts, behaviors, actions and inactions are already authentic to who you are as a person. It really just boils down to expression, honesty and awareness, whether with yourself or those around you.
(Psychology Today has several great articles on authenticity if you want to explore this topic further.)

Discover what you value and get involved. Whether you value leadership, independence, giving back, or things that you care about such as nature or art, find ways to act on them.

Lastly, reflect on decisions before you finalize them. Understand why you chose to make a decision (or not) and how it conflicts or coincides with your belief system. Acknowledging any fear or excitement behind decisions help us align closer with our sense of self.

And remember…you were born to be real, not to be perfect.

-keep shining

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Words.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves, starting in grade school. In fact, I would argue that words are the most powerful weapon we have access to, and we carry it with us at all times.
Words can be the fixer of all things and can also be the reason someone can’t seem to make it through life. Our words matter, they have meaning, they are impactful, and it is our responsibility to use them wisely.

I recently heard a speech given by Mohammed Qahtani where he stated, “Words have power. Words are power. Words could be your power. You can change a life, inspire a nation, make this world a beautiful place. Isn’t that what we all wanted? Your mouth can spit venom, or it can mend a broken soul.”

I rewatched that speech numerous times, reflecting on moments in my life where words truly changed my trajectory…Times when words broke me down, but also the times when words impacted me so greatly that they are a major reason for my happiness.

There is one memory that I immediately thought of when listening to Mohammed’s speech that changed my perspective on words, kindness, and how the two together can literally change someone’s life.
Several years ago, I would guess about 2018, I met with someone interested in the anti-human trafficking movement who requested a meeting with me. Let’s call her, Jane Doe (I know, I lose points in creativity here, but just stick with me!). When Jane and I met, I immediately recognized her from about 20 years earlier in middle school. When we introduced ourselves and sat down, I said to her, “hey, aren’t you Jane Doe?!” She looked at me, shocked and a little embarrassed/uncomfortable and responded with, “yeah, but how do you know me and know my last name? I haven’t used that last name in a very long time.” I explained to her that I knew her from middle school prior to her moving. She told me she was surprised I remembered her, and she went on to explain she felt unlikeable and that no one really saw her. She then talked about a basketball game she saw me at after she had moved…”Hey, are you the Melissa who looked at me, smiled and waved, and said Hi Jane at that basketball game?”…
After we reminisced on that moment from 20 years prior, we went on to talk about why she moved away and changed her last name, and some of the trauma in her life at that time.

The point of this short story is not to give myself a pat-on-the-back or any kudos. It’s to show the power of words, literally one word…hi. HI. Just simply acknowledging someone with one word made them feel seen, likeable, and a moment worth remembering. We talked about how that moment impacted her, which shocked me, because it did not feel like I did much.
She remembered that moment. We both remembered that moment. It was 20 years ago, and she remembered me, a middle schooler, just smiling and using the word hi. During that time in her life, she felt invisible, unimportant, and abused. She did not have friends or a healthy support system, and simply having someone display kindness towards her with a simple “hi” made such an impact on her life that 20 years later she still randomly remembered some girl named Melissa showing her kindness at a basketball game.

Our meeting, which was supposed to be about anti-trafficking work, impacted the both of us in ways we did not expect, and we were purposefully brought together again. It will always stick with me. We do not always get to know what impact our words have on people and I was grateful for the opportunity to see her again.

Long story short, do not underestimate the power of words. Not only do they convey meaning and purpose, but they are how we express ourselves to others and how we find connection. Each one of us can reflect on many times in which words hurt us, changed our lives, or made us the happiest we could have ever been. It’s important to remember those experiences and understand that it is each of our responsibilities to choose words wisely. Simply saying to someone you love them, are proud of them, care about them, believe in them, or see their potential can change their lives. And apparently, so can simply just smiling and saying hi.

Don’t ever diminish the power of words. Words move hearts, and hearts move limbs. ~

-keep shining

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When you love yourself…

  • You smile more often
  • Your taste in people will change
  • You say no
  • You do not listen to outside opinions
  • Your confidence is your best friend
  • Your success matters more than how much you weigh
  • You are less stressed
  • You focus on your purpose
  • You understand your passions
  • You see the world through a positive lens
  • You are less judgmental
  • You gain self awareness
  • You leave toxic relationships behind
  • You are grateful for the little things
  • You trust the process
  • You do not let the expectations of others define you
  • You put yourself first
  • Your mindset evolves
  • Your values and goals begin to change
  • You are able to be vulnerable
  • You set boundaries
  • Your self care becomes a priority
  • You see yourself for you who are
  • You seek more opportunities
  • You learn to accept helpful criticism and apply it
  • You prioritize the health of your body and soul
  • You love unconditionally
  • You are living

-keep shining
(Click here to learn how to celebrate yourself)

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Keep On Keepin’ On

Quit ruminating. Quit dwelling. Quit over analyzing.
Stop wasting your time thinking about comments other people make.
Stop seeking out and valuing the opinions of others over your own.
And please, do not allow negativity to keep you from pursuing the path to being who you are.
It all sounds pretty easy when I say it like that, and wouldn’t it be great if it was? This is no simple task. We are groomed to fit into the bullsh*t box of society. We feel pressure to consider what everyone else says and thinks about us and our actions. We take others’ comments and criticism more seriously than we take our own guiding thoughts and intuition. We confuse our own judgement, self awareness, and dreams because we enmesh them with the world’s opinion and expectation of us.
Before giving into it, ask yourself a series of questions relating to the comments and opinions of others…
Is it helpful? Is it productive? Is it loving? Does it feel good?
AND
Does it cause self doubt? Second-guessing? Is it hateful? Does it trigger me?

The answers to these questions are very telling and insightful. Asking these questions reminds us that people can give unsolicited advice at anytime, oh and do they ever! These things make us feel bad. But WHY do we need to feel bad? Is their comment helpful and productive? Loving? Does it feel good? If not, let it go
Drop it.
Throw it away.
Leave it behind.
Laugh it off.
Stomp on it.
Burn it.
Forget about it…
What good does someone else’s comments do in our brain, anyways? Why do we waste all of our time and energy on everyone else and put ourselves in the backseat? This is crap. We literally over analyze everything about ourselves because of the negativity in this world. We are addicted to approval and feedback. We care SO MUCH about the outside that we put all of our energy there. But what about the power and brilliance that resides within us? We care more about acceptance from others than we do about acceptance of ourselves.
Letting go does not mean to think about our kick ass comeback. Letting go does not mean to ‘show them’. It’s not about revenge or karma. It’s to totally and completely drop it; to not care. These other ways of moving on are a cop out because it’s easier to be spiteful as sometimes that feels good. Be better than spitefulness, because you are better than the negative state of mind. We get addicted to negativity, gossip, and judgement. We feed into this so intensely that we use it as a distraction and forget who we are. You do not deserve to be sucked into the negative comments and unsolicited advice because this is a waste of life. There is nothing to gain by responding to this negativity. Being able to move forward and not give it attention will leave your energy feeling light and happy. Plus, be proud of yourself for not stooping to that level, as this is where growth happens. It takes strength and humility to push back on the negativity. It teaches us about developing our own confidence and self worth, knowing we are above the rules and judgement of others. We can listen to our own guidance and be happy with what it provides to us. Be your own best friend and trust yourself. Change your narrative. It hurts to take it all in and it’s exhausting to let it ruminate, so leave what’s hurtful, mean, negative, and regressive behind, and show others how it’s done too.
Protect your heart because it deserves to be protected. People are vicious because it’s cheap and easy. That is why we need to take responsibility to leave the negativity, the harsh comments, and the temptation to fire back alone. It does nothing for us but keeps us in it. Life begins when we let go and find the confidence within ourselves to own who we are without the need for a rebuttal or rumination. What I want for you is to say how you feel, to make a decision, to post the selfie, to change your mind, to push back whenever you want to. Why? Because it’s your life and, oh yeah, because you can.

Keep on keepin’ on, dear, as you have a lot to offer this world if you allow yourself to dream without boundaries. To let go of the concern for the world and it’s opinion is the most freeing thing you can do for yourself. Be true to you, find peace in your own energy, and do not hang onto what does not serve you. There is no purpose in keeping it close…What has that ever done for you that’s productive and kind? Hurt leaves us lost and confused, but self love provides us with the confidence and strength to let it go. You can appreciate yourself for that, and know that you can do it.

Beauty begins in the moment you decide to be yourself~

-keep shining

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