- When happy hour hits on a Friday.
- A direct flight.
- When a stranger taps you kindly to say you’ve dropped something.
- An encore at a concert.
- Discovering a flawless seashell at the beach.
- Pulling into a full parking spot just as someone else is leaving.
- Catching sight of an elderly couple holding hands.
- When someone notices a small task you did quietly and takes a moment to say thank you.
- That oddly satisfying feeling of getting a rogue popcorn kernel unstuck from your teeth.
- The unexpected joy of an upgrade — whether it’s a rental car, an airplane seat, or just your day.
-keep shining
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Tag: positivity (Page 1 of 7)
I was scrolling down the inevitable black hole of TikTok the other day when I heard something that stopped me in my tracks:
“If you were the main character in a movie about your life and there was an audience watching the movie, what would the audience be screaming at you to do?”
Oof. Gut punch. Because let’s be honest—most of us would be yelling something, or perhaps many things…It could be something gentle, like “Dude, put down your phone and be present.” Or maybe other, louder things, like “STOP PRIORITIZING PEOPLE WHO DO NOT PRIORITIZE YOU” or, “QUIT THAT JOB AND BE HAPPY!”
And let’s not even start on those horror movie moments, when you know what’s coming, and you’re practically begging the character, “Don’t go in there!” But they always do. Every. Single. Time.
I sat with it for a minute; if my life was playing out on screen, what would I be yelling at myself?
I’d probably be gripping the armrest and thinking, “Please don’t say yes to that thing you don’t have time for.” I’d be whispering to my friend next to me in the theatre, “Why doesn’t she stand up for herself?!” I’d be going mad when they (AKA, me) hesitate on something they know deep down they want, yelling, “Just freaking do it already!”
And here’s the thing—if we can see it so clearly from the outside, why is it so hard to change from the inside?
Maybe it’s because we’re too close to our own stories. We excuse our own patterns because they feel familiar. And we forget that, unlike a movie, we actually can rewrite the next scene.
So, here’s my challenge for you (and for me):
1. Figure out what you’d be yelling.
What’s the one thing (or things) you wish your past self would have done differently? What’s the pattern that keeps playing on repeat? What’s the decision that—if this were a movie—you’d be watching, shaking your head, already knowing how it ends?
As you reflect, resist the urge to beat yourself up… Regret is a trap—one filled with shame, guilt, and endless bargaining that leads nowhere but frustration. I have never believed in the idea of regret because there’s no point in dwelling on what’s already happened, but there is value in looking back with clarity. Not to ruminate, but to recognize. Not to stay stuck, but to step forward with a new perspective.
“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”
2. Decide if you want the movie to take a plot twist.
If you keep watching yourself make the same choices, ending up in the same situations, it’s worth asking—do you want the story to stay the same, or is it time for a shift? Patterns don’t break on their own, and nothing changes until you decide to change it.
This isn’t about flipping your life upside down overnight, but about recognizing that you’re not stuck in a predetermined storyline. You get to decide whether this remains a cycle of missed opportunities and frustration or becomes the turning point where things finally shift. This does not have to be the cautionary tale you thought it was—maybe this is the part where everything starts to change, or at least some parts.
“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”
Here’s the thing about change and taking risks: the unknown will always feel uncomfortable, but staying in the same loop just because it’s familiar isn’t safe—it’s just stagnant. Those of you who read my blogs regularly know how much I encourage this. Instead of wondering what could be, what if you actually experienced it? Take a moment to journal about the decisions you’ve been avoiding or the ones you make begrudgingly; talk it out with someone you trust and visualize what the sequel to your life’s movie would look like if you finally went for the plot twist…
What would happen if you bet on yourself?
3. Start acting like the main character you’re rooting for.
The one who sets boundaries, chooses joy, and stops giving second chances to things that don’t deserve them. The one who stops letting fear hold them back. The one who finally realizes that their worth was never in question and who has the confidence they always envied in others. It’s your movie, so you get to decide.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
At the end of the day, no one wants to watch a movie where the character stays stuck. The best ones are where they finally get it. Where they make the move, take the risk, say the thing, and step into something better… Doesn’t that feel good?
And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be the character who makes it to the happy ending than the one who has people throwing popcorn at the screen, yelling, “Come on. You know better!”
So, what’s your movie moment? What’s the thing you know you’d yell at yourself? Maybe today’s the day you finally listen and take the first step.
“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.”
-keep shining
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Accurate – Reliable – Genuine – Aware
These words describe authenticity, which is the true definition of being who we are. By being ourselves, we gain so much. And when we can focus on what we gain from being authentic, we can finally stop focusing on what we risk losing. (Hint: nothing.)
With today’s societal norms and expectations, we miss out on getting to know ourselves. Social media, expectations, and how we judge ourselves hinder us from getting to know who we are and being proud of it. By being authentic to who we are, we are more realistic, we stand up for what we believe in, we accept ourselves and others, we are thoughtful, and we feel free to express our emotions. Authentic people know what motivates them and are open to learning from mistakes. Doesn’t that sound nice? To simply release the need to look to others for approval because we do not need it. We do not have to be confused about who we truly are or want to be. We do not hide from expressing ourselves and we don’t judge others as much. Authenticity is total alignment with our values, beliefs, and psychological needs.
So why is this so scary?
Authenticity comes with self-discipline; we have to create a sense of balance and be open to self-reflection. It is to identify all aspects of ourselves and align with those things. But we fear judgment from others and honest conversations with ourselves because we live in a society where perfection and “fitting in” outweigh realism. We do not feel safe, whether in our own bodies or around others. We are overwhelmed with self-doubt and self-consciousness because authenticity can be a daunting and intimidating task…What happens if my values and beliefs go against the grain? Who will support me, who will laugh at me? Furthermore, we may have been conditioned to repress our true selves, whether we grew up in an abusive or unsafe home, a judgmental environment, or remain in a place where our emotions are unacceptable.
What can we do about it?
“When you are yourself, others are better able to find you…If you pretend to be someone else, people can’t see you for who you are.” (Speak by Tunde Oyeneyin)
For me, mindfulness plays a huge role: Being mindful about how certain topics and conversations make me feel, being mindful of my own words and actions and understanding where they come from. I also try to be mindful of who/what I surround myself with, and why. I pay attention to how I feel in circumstances where I speak my truth, and I pay attention to the actions of people who I spend my time with – Do I align with them? “When you speak your mind, it’s like waving a flag people can see from a distance. Some will see it and say, ‘No, thanks, that’s not for me’, but I guarantee you the people in the back of the line, those people will see it and know to come.” Speak by Tunde Oyeneyin)
I also encourage people to explore their shame. After many years in social work, I find that shame is the most dangerous of emotions. I have an entire post dedicated to this topic and you can read it here.
Discovering where your shame comes from and releasing it can drastically increase your sense of self. Remove what no longer serves you – shame will absolutely torture you but has no purpose. Once you can release what is holding you back, you will be at peace and find it easier to be authentic.
Define what authenticity is for you. Or think of someone you find authentic and ponder what it is about them that you admire. What would help you feel more authentic, and how can you practice those behaviors? Discovering these behaviors may help you make decisions you have been avoiding for a while or finding the confidence to take the next step. Authenticity comes down to the awareness of your realness. All of your thoughts, behaviors, actions and inactions are already authentic to who you are as a person. It really just boils down to expression, honesty and awareness, whether with yourself or those around you.
(Psychology Today has several great articles on authenticity if you want to explore this topic further.)
Discover what you value and get involved. Whether you value leadership, independence, giving back, or things that you care about such as nature or art, find ways to act on them.
Lastly, reflect on decisions before you finalize them. Understand why you chose to make a decision (or not) and how it conflicts or coincides with your belief system. Acknowledging any fear or excitement behind decisions help us align closer with our sense of self.
And remember…you were born to be real, not to be perfect.
-keep shining
One of the worst moments of my life was winning the grand and oh-so-important title of Homecoming Queen. I know this sounds ridiculous, however there are two main reasons why this day sucked so royally…For starters, I had no idea until that moment how truly mean people could be. Even friends that I was used to having in my corner were not, and I was blindsided by this. It was a time in my life of being very hurt, confused, and emotionally drained. I knew back then that homecoming was not something people remembered or that even mattered after high school. And frankly, I did not care whether or not I ‘won’ anything like that. But winning was the best thing that could have happened to me, because experiencing this kind of hate made me realize how important friendship is. I recall telling myself that I would never make anyone feel the way I felt. I decided in that moment if I am anything in this life, it’s that I will be remembered as a damn good friend.
The second reason this day sucked was because people I was not close with at all or spoke to much were the ones that were there for me. I was so grateful for them, but immediately felt an intense amount of guilt for not noticing or spending more time with these people throughout high school. That guilt has carried into adulthood, and I sometimes find that the guilt starts trickling into the most damaging feeling of all; Shame.
One thing we know about guilt is that it co-exists with shame. I still have small, random moments of feeling shame over that experience in my life. My thoughts go something like this, “what kind of person was I that I did not thank them more for being so nice, or that I didn’t spend time with them? I wonder what type of person they think I am. Did I hurt their feelings? Did they regret being so nice to me?” …Isn’t this absolutely ridiculous? The shame I still hold onto for something so small and irrelevant upsets me.
We all do this. We feel badly for so many things we did or did not do, or messed up, or regret (guilt), and then start to allow that guilt to define the type of person that we are (shame). Guilt is the feelings associated with I did something bad (the behavior), whereas shame is the thought that I am bad (self worth). Often times our guilt turns into shame…But it is so important to separate our behavior from who we are as a person.
It’s also important to understand that guilt is how we feel we have affected others, whereas shame relates directly with our feelings/beliefs about ourselves. Guilt is where we feel responsible for something we did, and shame is the painful awareness we are flooded with when we feel we are ‘improper’ or are now damaged in some way. The feelings we get from chalking ourselves up to being ‘damaged’ can be so overpowering and painful that it fogs our ability to further develop our sense of purpose, confidence, and worthiness. Once we move past the healthy feelings of guilt (empathy and recognizing that we feel badly for hurting someone) and into this feeling of being less-than (shame) is when we stunt our ability to grow. It’s when we listen to the internal beliefs we have about ourselves…The little voice that says, “I knew you couldn’t do it”, “I knew you’d fail”, or, “no one will ever love you”.
I am surrounded by shame, not only because as a female it’s unfortunately such a societal norm to feel shame, but also working with victims who are often blamed for the abuse they have experienced…Being told countless times by society that they had a choice or ‘asked’ for it, or are questioned for their decisions. Through these victims, I continually see how much shame interferes with personal growth. It is devastating to watch shame take over someone’s whole being and sense of self, and cause them to continually face the downward spiral of self hate. This is where people feel unworthy, self-loathing, and a sense of not belonging. There is nothing productive about shame because it’s where we become self destructive, careless, and defeated.
Take-Aways:
- It is so important to separate person from behavior. Labels lead to developing a sense of shame.
- Surround yourself with people who do not judge, blame, or label.
- Tell yourself you love yourself, daily, and why. If this is hard or awkward for you, I would challenge you to have an honest conversation with yourself and unpack that. Find where the why is and start to explore reasons to love who you are and what you bring to the table.
- Be more aware of positive/negative self talk. When you mess up, do you say, “I should not have done that”(guilt), or, “I am not a good person” (shame)? Focus on your behavior and how to change/learn from that, but you do not need to correlate that with the kind of person you are.
- Think about all of your positive qualities, and then think of your flaws. If it’s uncomfortable or difficult to think of your positive traits, and/or your flaws list is larger and easier to talk about, work on changing that. Life is too short not to love who you are and celebrate that each and every day.
- Talk about it. We cheer on people around us when they are vulnerable, yet we don’t want to do it ourselves. It feels scary, foreign, or like people will judge us. But talking about it helps us recognize and work through it, gives the shame less power in our brains, and provides some relief. We continue to go down the rabbit hole in our heads when we stay silent.
- Accept that you are going to mess up, hurt people, embarrass yourself…These are normal experiences and we will never outrun them.
- Learn what your triggers are…What are some environments where that little voice likes to chime in? Prepare yourself for this and be vigilant about identifying the feeling before it expands.
- Quit apologizing for everything. We say sorry for being who we are, or for things we have no control over. Focus on and work towards letting go of this habit.
- Do not give shame space in your head. You are lovely, just the way you are, but the key is that you believe it too.
Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change~
-keep shining
Blogs about guilt:
Guilty Conscious
Free Yourself From Guilt
Color Outside The Lines
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- You smile more often
- Your taste in people will change
- You say no
- You do not listen to outside opinions
- Your confidence is your best friend
- Your success matters more than how much you weigh
- You are less stressed
- You focus on your purpose
- You understand your passions
- You see the world through a positive lens
- You are less judgmental
- You gain self awareness
- You leave toxic relationships behind
- You are grateful for the little things
- You trust the process
- You do not let the expectations of others define you
- You put yourself first
- Your mindset evolves
- Your values and goals begin to change
- You are able to be vulnerable
- You set boundaries
- Your self care becomes a priority
- You see yourself for you who are
- You seek more opportunities
- You learn to accept helpful criticism and apply it
- You prioritize the health of your body and soul
- You love unconditionally
- You are living
-keep shining
(Click here to learn how to celebrate yourself)
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