SECRETS OF A SOCIAL WORKER

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Observe vs. Absorb

March 9, 2025 / / 0 Comments

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling emotionally drained, like you’ve taken on someone else’s stress, anger, or sadness? If you’re in a helping profession, a leadership role, or even just a deeply empathetic person, this experience is probably all too familiar.

Recently, my therapist shared a concept with me that hit home in a big way: Observe vs. Absorb. As someone who has always carried the weight of others’ emotions, taken on guilt that isn’t mine, and felt responsible for everyone else’s happiness—often at the expense of my own—this idea challenged the way I show up for others and, more importantly, for myself.

At its core, this concept is about how we engage with the emotions of those around us. Instead of absorbing their feelings—internalizing their stress, frustration, or sadness—we can observe them. When we absorb, we make their emotions our own, often leading to defensiveness, burnout, or misplaced guilt. But when we observe, we create space to understand, validate, and respond with clarity rather than reaction.

And as my therapist put it, “You don’t take in ANYTHING that belongs to someone else, and no matter how big and bad their storm is raging- you just hold fast as a safe space.”

Why We Absorb

For many of us, absorbing emotions is an automatic response. We might do it because we care deeply and want to help. Some of us feel responsible for fixing things. We may have been raised in environments where emotions were contagious. And sometimes, we struggle with boundaries—where defining where we end and others begin is a real challenge.

Picture yourself as a sponge. At first, we take on small amounts of “water” (other people’s stress, sadness, or frustration). Over time, we get heavier and heavier, holding onto “water” (emotions) that was never ours to carry. Eventually, we become so heavy and saturated that we start to spill over—whether in the form of exhaustion, resentment, or emotional burnout. Instead, we want to see ourselves as an anchor – We hold space for everyone to have their own feelings. We can hold the boat and help strategize their problem.

Choosing to Observe

Observing doesn’t mean we stop caring. It means we witness someone’s emotions without making them our own. It allows us to recognize and acknowledge emotions without being consumed by them. It helps us to stay present without reacting with defensiveness. When we observe, we can respond with empathy rather than absorption, support rather than self-sacrifice.

How to Shift from Absorbing to Observing

  • Pause and Name It – When you feel yourself absorbing someone’s emotions, pause and acknowledge it: I see they’re upset. I don’t have to take that on.
  • Stay Grounded – Take a deep breath. Plant your feet on the floor. Remind yourself that their emotions belong to them, not you.
    (I wrote another blog around this concept here.)
  • Validate Without Owning – You can acknowledge someone’s emotions without taking them in: “I hear that you’re frustrated. That sounds really tough.” This shows understanding without internalizing their feelings.
  • Ask, Don’t Assume – Instead of mirroring their emotions, ask what they need: “How can I support you?” This shifts the focus from reaction to intention and helps the other person clarify what they truly need.
  • Set an Emotional Boundary – Imagine a protective shield around you. Visualize emotions passing by you instead of through you. This practice helps me stay grounded and creates an invisible barrier, giving me the awareness to respond intentionally rather than react emotionally.

The Freedom in Observing

When we practice observe vs. absorb, we free ourselves from emotional exhaustion. We maintain compassion without becoming overwhelmed. And most importantly, we show up in a way that is healthier for both ourselves and the people we care about.

Viktor Frankl once said,
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

This space is where observation lives. Instead of instantly reacting—absorbing someone’s frustration, sadness, or anger—we can pause. We can recognize that their emotions are theirs, not ours. And in doing so, we gain the freedom to choose how we engage, how we support, and how we protect our own peace.

“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”

-keep shining
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Rewrite The Plot

February 23, 2025 / / 0 Comments

I was scrolling down the inevitable black hole of TikTok the other day when I heard something that stopped me in my tracks:

“If you were the main character in a movie about your life and there was an audience watching the movie, what would the audience be screaming at you to do?”

Oof. Gut punch. Because let’s be honest—most of us would be yelling something, or perhaps many things…It could be something gentle, like “Dude, put down your phone and be present.” Or maybe other, louder things, like “STOP PRIORITIZING PEOPLE WHO DO NOT PRIORITIZE YOU” or, “QUIT THAT JOB AND BE HAPPY!”

And let’s not even start on those horror movie moments, when you know what’s coming, and you’re practically begging the character, “Don’t go in there!” But they always do. Every. Single. Time.

I sat with it for a minute; if my life was playing out on screen, what would I be yelling at myself?

I’d probably be gripping the armrest and thinking, “Please don’t say yes to that thing you don’t have time for.” I’d be whispering to my friend next to me in the theatre, “Why doesn’t she stand up for herself?!” I’d be going mad when they (AKA, me) hesitate on something they know deep down they want, yelling, “Just freaking do it already!”

And here’s the thing—if we can see it so clearly from the outside, why is it so hard to change from the inside?

Maybe it’s because we’re too close to our own stories. We excuse our own patterns because they feel familiar. And we forget that, unlike a movie, we actually can rewrite the next scene.

So, here’s my challenge for you (and for me):

1. Figure out what you’d be yelling.

What’s the one thing (or things) you wish your past self would have done differently? What’s the pattern that keeps playing on repeat? What’s the decision that—if this were a movie—you’d be watching, shaking your head, already knowing how it ends?

As you reflect, resist the urge to beat yourself up… Regret is a trap—one filled with shame, guilt, and endless bargaining that leads nowhere but frustration. I have never believed in the idea of regret because there’s no point in dwelling on what’s already happened, but there is value in looking back with clarity. Not to ruminate, but to recognize. Not to stay stuck, but to step forward with a new perspective.
“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”

2. Decide if you want the movie to take a plot twist.

If you keep watching yourself make the same choices, ending up in the same situations, it’s worth asking—do you want the story to stay the same, or is it time for a shift? Patterns don’t break on their own, and nothing changes until you decide to change it.

This isn’t about flipping your life upside down overnight, but about recognizing that you’re not stuck in a predetermined storyline. You get to decide whether this remains a cycle of missed opportunities and frustration or becomes the turning point where things finally shift. This does not have to be the cautionary tale you thought it was—maybe this is the part where everything starts to change, or at least some parts.

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

Here’s the thing about change and taking risks: the unknown will always feel uncomfortable, but staying in the same loop just because it’s familiar isn’t safe—it’s just stagnant. Those of you who read my blogs regularly know how much I encourage this. Instead of wondering what could be, what if you actually experienced it? Take a moment to journal about the decisions you’ve been avoiding or the ones you make begrudgingly; talk it out with someone you trust and visualize what the sequel to your life’s movie would look like if you finally went for the plot twist…

What would happen if you bet on yourself?

3. Start acting like the main character you’re rooting for.

The one who sets boundaries, chooses joy, and stops giving second chances to things that don’t deserve them. The one who stops letting fear hold them back. The one who finally realizes that their worth was never in question and who has the confidence they always envied in others. It’s your movie, so you get to decide.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”

At the end of the day, no one wants to watch a movie where the character stays stuck. The best ones are where they finally get it. Where they make the move, take the risk, say the thing, and step into something better… Doesn’t that feel good?

And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be the character who makes it to the happy ending than the one who has people throwing popcorn at the screen, yelling, “Come on. You know better!”

So, what’s your movie moment? What’s the thing you know you’d yell at yourself? Maybe today’s the day you finally listen and take the first step.

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.”

-keep shining
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Authenticity

September 2, 2024 / / 0 Comments

Accurate – Reliable – Genuine – Aware
These words describe authenticity, which is the true definition of being who we are. By being ourselves, we gain so much. And when we can focus on what we gain from being authentic, we can finally stop focusing on what we risk losing. (Hint: nothing.)

With today’s societal norms and expectations, we miss out on getting to know ourselves. Social media, expectations, and how we judge ourselves hinder us from getting to know who we are and being proud of it. By being authentic to who we are, we are more realistic, we stand up for what we believe in, we accept ourselves and others, we are thoughtful, and we feel free to express our emotions. Authentic people know what motivates them and are open to learning from mistakes. Doesn’t that sound nice? To simply release the need to look to others for approval because we do not need it. We do not have to be confused about who we truly are or want to be. We do not hide from expressing ourselves and we don’t judge others as much. Authenticity is total alignment with our values, beliefs, and psychological needs.

So why is this so scary?

Authenticity comes with self-discipline; we have to create a sense of balance and be open to self-reflection. It is to identify all aspects of ourselves and align with those things. But we fear judgment from others and honest conversations with ourselves because we live in a society where perfection and “fitting in” outweigh realism. We do not feel safe, whether in our own bodies or around others. We are overwhelmed with self-doubt and self-consciousness because authenticity can be a daunting and intimidating task…What happens if my values and beliefs go against the grain? Who will support me, who will laugh at me? Furthermore, we may have been conditioned to repress our true selves, whether we grew up in an abusive or unsafe home, a judgmental environment, or remain in a place where our emotions are unacceptable.

What can we do about it?

“When you are yourself, others are better able to find you…If you pretend to be someone else, people can’t see you for who you are.” (Speak by Tunde Oyeneyin)

For me, mindfulness plays a huge role: Being mindful about how certain topics and conversations make me feel, being mindful of my own words and actions and understanding where they come from. I also try to be mindful of who/what I surround myself with, and why. I pay attention to how I feel in circumstances where I speak my truth, and I pay attention to the actions of people who I spend my time with – Do I align with them? “When you speak your mind, it’s like waving a flag people can see from a distance. Some will see it and say, ‘No, thanks, that’s not for me’, but I guarantee you the people in the back of the line, those people will see it and know to come.” Speak by Tunde Oyeneyin)

I also encourage people to explore their shame. After many years in social work, I find that shame is the most dangerous of emotions. I have an entire post dedicated to this topic and you can read it here.
Discovering where your shame comes from and releasing it can drastically increase your sense of self. Remove what no longer serves you – shame will absolutely torture you but has no purpose. Once you can release what is holding you back, you will be at peace and find it easier to be authentic.

Define what authenticity is for you. Or think of someone you find authentic and ponder what it is about them that you admire. What would help you feel more authentic, and how can you practice those behaviors? Discovering these behaviors may help you make decisions you have been avoiding for a while or finding the confidence to take the next step. Authenticity comes down to the awareness of your realness. All of your thoughts, behaviors, actions and inactions are already authentic to who you are as a person. It really just boils down to expression, honesty and awareness, whether with yourself or those around you.
(Psychology Today has several great articles on authenticity if you want to explore this topic further.)

Discover what you value and get involved. Whether you value leadership, independence, giving back, or things that you care about such as nature or art, find ways to act on them.

Lastly, reflect on decisions before you finalize them. Understand why you chose to make a decision (or not) and how it conflicts or coincides with your belief system. Acknowledging any fear or excitement behind decisions help us align closer with our sense of self.

And remember…you were born to be real, not to be perfect.

-keep shining

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Radical Acceptance

January 8, 2023 / / 0 Comments

With the start of another new year, I have been reminiscing on 2022 as well as pondering any changes I want to make for the next 365 days. What I typically land on each year is aiming to be more mindful; being present and letting go of control, not worrying so much, and slowing down in general. This seems to be an ongoing battle for me.
While thinking about my aims for 2023, part of what I came to realize is that sometimes the reason I struggle with these things is because I pull so much emotion into every aspect of my life that letting go and being present can feel challenging when I want to feel everything so deeply. Certainly, expressing emotions is an excellent tool we need and crave as humans, but sometimes the level in which we emote or feel can add so much stress to our lives and can cause a lot of unnecessary fear, worry and stress, drama, anger, distractions, and rumination.
All of this reminded me of the concept of radical acceptance.

Imagine yourself holding onto a microphone and someone asks you how you would let go of it. Most people would say they would simply drop it or give the mic to someone else. No one can really give you several steps or directions on how to let go of the mic. Plus, you already know intuitively what to do.
Now, if the microphone was a snake, would you ask or contemplate how to let it go? I bet in that situation you would not ask; you would drop the snake immediately because you have all the information you need at that moment.
When we can let go of things without too much contemplation or emotion, we allow ourselves more room to enjoy life and be present; as soon as you see what it is you want to let go of, you can simply stop clinging to it.
I heard the above scenario while perusing TikTok (The Minimalists episode 372), and I compared it to the idea of radical acceptance. In a nutshell, radical acceptance is the idea that we can accept situations that are outside of our control without judgement, which decreases the stress, worry, fear, anger that is caused by the situation itself. The suffering we put ourselves through is caused by the attachment we have to the pain rather than to the situation itself. We need to detach to overcome. This does not imply that we avoid our emotions, we just simply do not need to let the pain cause additional worry, fear, stress, anger, etc. It’s about being mindful of our emotions so we do not go down the rabbit hole of feeling worse than we need to. We accept the situation, objectively, for what it is even if we do not agree with it.

Radical acceptance comes in handy during times where we cannot fix or change situations. Sure, it may feel yucky, unbearable, unfair, or unkind, but we prolong our suffering if we cannot accept something for what it is and try to add more emotionally driven responses to it than necessary. Yes, we will feel remorse, disappointment, grief and sorrow, or anger as they are normal reactions when something happens to us that we did not anticipate or did not like. However, it’s choosing not to let the emotions take over and learning to accept things for what they are. It is when we practice radical acceptance that we can be more mindful and enjoy all the great things that are yet to come. Adding emotions is where we begin to torture ourselves because we ruminate on situations outside of our control. We get distracted, we dwell, we gossip, we avoid, and we get resentful. Think of radical acceptance as a way to be nicer to ourselves. It is not about forgiveness towards the person who caused the pain in the first place because the focus is on you and loving yourself enough to ease up.

It is not easy to do, but ultimately to practice radical acceptance we have to focus more on our Logical Mind as that is where we are able to remain calm and objective. When we remind ourselves of what we can control, we can better detach from the feelings associated with the situation. To focus specifically on the reality is to be in what is called Wise Mind which is a balance between our emotions and our logic. This helps us to focus on moving past the situation and pushing onward. The goal is not to avoid our emotions, but to move through the emotion and have an “it-is-what-it-is” mindset. It is then that we can calmy and objectively accept things as they are.

This new way of thinking is easier when we are aware of situations that easily trigger us so we can prepare when unforeseen situations arise; this step is very important. I personally have to constantly remind myself that I can’t change it, that it is my reality, and that it’s out of my control. I try to focus on being mindful of what I can control, consider why this is affecting me so much by allowing myself to feel the emotions that come up, but then shift my focus on the gratitude I have for life even amongst the pain I am feeling. I remind myself that this too shall pass and someday it will not be as tough. The goal is committing to pushing past the pain and objectively understanding the need to let go. It is extra helpful to think of being on the other side of the hurdle and how much easier life gets when we allow ourselves to move forward versus sit in the yuckiness the situation and our emotional responses cause. We do not think about the what if’s, as those do not apply. Remind yourself of your resilience and that you can get through this, because you can, and you will, and you have before. You can have your emotions and also still choose happiness.

Lastly, it’s important to differentiate between appropriately using the approach of radical acceptance versus using it as a reason to stay in an unhealthy situation. It works for situations where unexpected change occurs; you go through something traumatic, you come to a dead-end where nothing seems to be working, you are transitioning out of a job or relationship, or maybe you lose someone close to you. Those can all happen to us where we cannot control the situation or outcome. Radical acceptance doesn’t work when we choose to stay in an unhealthy situation (work, relationship, friendship, family dynamic), allow ourselves to be treated badly, lack motivation and drive, or when we live in fear and avoidance. These situations can be changed and improved, so it’s important that we acknowledge the difference.

The goal is for life to feel better, lighter, simpler, and be filled with joy. It takes time to make radical acceptance a natural habit, but the benefits of moving forward and letting go are worth it.

On this sacred path of Radical Acceptance, rather than striving for perfection, we discover how to love ourselves into wholeness.

-keep shining


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Rude Awakenings

April 6, 2022 / / 0 Comments

I was paging through one of my journals the other day, and in this particular journal I write quotes, words, and random thoughts that come into my head. As I paged through a lot of my twirly-whirly drawings and colorful words, I stopped on something that resonated with me that day…The page read, “Rude Awakening: Rude is temporary, Awakening is permanent.” 
For some reason on this particular day, the quote really stuck out to me. I do not recall even scribbling it down in the first place, but I pondered the importance of it…
Rude awakenings do not have to be scary, bad, traumatizing, or negative. They probably feel that way in the moment, but it’s all about perspective; how we take that moment and apply it to our lives. Rude is where we learn, it’s where we get stunned, blindsided, or maybe some old karma surfacing. It’s what happens to us or catches up to us that may not feel so great in the moment, but ultimately leads to the awakening portion of the journey. It’s a quick and painful (or shocking) realization that leads us into the next phase of awakening, which can also feel scary or traumatizing, bad or negative. But the ultimate power in awakening is that it can be the beginning to a lifelong journey of discovery. It’s about temporary suffering, which can provide us with some understanding and realization if we allow it to.
Rude awakenings guide us towards a more mindful and purposeful way of living, and we can use our awakening period to recreate and redefine parts of ourselves. We become more aware…We move through the rude, which is the part that no longer serves us once we experience it, and we awaken into some hard and honest self-reflection and change. It is finally realizing something that may have been in front of us all along, but now we are being slapped in the face with it because we can no longer avoid or ignore it…We finally have an epiphany that this short-term (rude) piece helped us to arrive at.

The definition of Rude Awakening: The sudden and unexpected discovery of an unpleasant fact or truth. 
It is to discover that maybe, we haven’t really grown or changed much at all in all our years on earth. Or we actually didn’t know it all, or we can’t continue to avoid looking ourselves in the mirror and dealing with our stuff. We can no longer avoid self-awareness and change because of the unpleasantry we discovered in ourselves that has overstayed its welcome. All of this is a positive thing because it’s where we turn our lives around and find motivation. It’s where we realize we do not want to do, be, act certain ways and finally buck up, put our egos aside and deal with it. It’s like hitting rock bottom, but adding one step further, because not only do we realize we are at the end of our rope (rock bottom), but we actually admit it and mindfully do something about it. We make amends with ourselves and others. We awaken and take on the challenges of change, growth, awareness, and self-discovery, because it’s worth it. You are worth it.

People get so caught up in avoiding these parts of themselves instead of allowing our vulnerabilities to be owned and accepted, because vulnerability can feel scary, overwhelming and intimidating. It sucks to come to terms with the ugly parts of us and where it comes from. We mask and avoid with addiction, pride and ego, distractions and excuses, staying busy, and frankly just being stubborn.

And sometimes, the rude awakening may be discovering something about someone else that practically gave you whiplash…It could be specific to a job, relationship, business deal, etc. and discovering someone else dropped the ball. The whiplash may be that we were awakened to the realness and unfortunate truth of that relationship and someone else’s true colors. And frankly, it sucks when that happens because we have no control over it. No one likes to be disappointed by someone they trusted or liked. But, remembering that the rude is temporary and the awakening is permanent, how can we own that situation and move forward? How can we come to realize, even when by surprise, what the relationship really was and how to use it to our advantage instead of wallowing in our disappointment? We have to open our eyes to the whole picture, grieve, be upset, and move forward. The awakening part provides more insight, awareness, and vigilance to use throughout our lives when interacting with others.
There have been a few very impactful rude awakenings with jobs and friendships in my life, as I am sure it has for many of you as well. I can recall being so stunned by how I was bullied in one particular instance in high school. I personalized this instance for a long time and was very confused at my young age, but the rude awakening was so impactful. The rude was how badly I was treated on this particular day, and the awakening how much I value relationships because of it…It was because of that instance that I told myself that I would always try my best to be a good friend to people. I would never purposefully hurt anyone or make anyone feel how I felt that day, and that I would always be there for others. That awakening has had impact throughout my life since then, as I still hold true to that. I still remember the awful and shocking feelings I had that day, and I recall very specifically telling myself that I would always be a warm and positive person for my friends, and I reflected on times when I was not so kind. The rude was realizing those people were not my friends at all, and it was okay to let go of those “friendships”. The awakening was moving past the fear of pushing back. It was owning times where I could have been a better friend. And it was letting go and promising myself I would never allow anyone to feel how I did that day if I could help it.

Rude awakenings are not easy by any means, but they are purposeful, and they make us human. They are unavoidable. They are necessary. Life has more impact and meaning when we are open to these moments…When we transition into the next step of who we are and allow ourselves to shed old relationships that are no longer meaningful.

True self-discovery begins where your comfort zone ends.

-keep shining

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